Ok Im sitting scaring myself stupid, but I've done it before, quit CT I mean. Just for a bit of background info, I first took H with my boyfriend 14 years ago, and confided in my cousin who I knew was a user, she begged me to stop before it really got a grip on me and told me that in all likelyhood, if I carried on I would 'end up with arms like this' she pulled her sleeves up to show bruises and track marks, I told her in no uncertain terms I would never even contemplate injecting! Well as money grew short smoking half a bag per day didn't suffice and my bf said I would be better off just injecting and getting it done. I did for a while, went back to smoking, back to injecting blah blah blah! One day I was really really ill, no viens left, I was shaking to much to even attempt it so some 'friend' advised me to go in my groin. Been doing that on and off ever since. I had already lost my two girls, so I didn't care about my body or what I did, my ex had filed for custody and won and even though I cleaned up and left the relationship I was in.
I was no match for him and his big house, perfect girlfriend, he has his own company etc(why oh why did I ever leave him, bad karma plus my stupid selfishness has bitten me on the ass big time). They were better off there I know that, it's just I asked for help, begging the CDT, told them I was at risk of losing my children, turned up at 9.15 for a 10am app...I waited and waited, had to pick the smallest one up at 11.30 from nursery. I was in tears, running back and forth from the desk waiting for the doctor, it didnt happen and I dont think they believed I had to pick up my child, as all junkies are liars yeah? I waited till 11 and wasn't seen; plus late picking my baby up. (That was the only time I went there until a hospital stay got me onto a methadone treatment plan, way too late! it was HELL detoxing from that!)
So I went to the back of the 'list' again. I was a mum, then just a junkie, I came soooo close to killing myself but fought it as I couldn't do that to my kids (I told myself we would be ok in time) or family, I figured I had caused them enough hurt. That was 9 years ago.
I'm as down in the shit as you can get! Ive got my own place now which I'm thankful for, it's clean, warm and quite nice, so it's here (well there, im at my ex-boyfriends at the moment, the one I started taking it with, like, this relationship is addictive) I'm going to get in what I think I will need, and I pray to the lord I get through it, monday or tues coming up is my start date, I have no internet connection there though and I will need some people to talk to. I'm going away with family in a month and they dont know, they think i'm clean because I 'look' ok, im sick of lying, im sick of being alive, I have to do this or I dont know, I just feel so down.
Anyways that was a happy hello from me lol![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
I was no match for him and his big house, perfect girlfriend, he has his own company etc(why oh why did I ever leave him, bad karma plus my stupid selfishness has bitten me on the ass big time). They were better off there I know that, it's just I asked for help, begging the CDT, told them I was at risk of losing my children, turned up at 9.15 for a 10am app...I waited and waited, had to pick the smallest one up at 11.30 from nursery. I was in tears, running back and forth from the desk waiting for the doctor, it didnt happen and I dont think they believed I had to pick up my child, as all junkies are liars yeah? I waited till 11 and wasn't seen; plus late picking my baby up. (That was the only time I went there until a hospital stay got me onto a methadone treatment plan, way too late! it was HELL detoxing from that!)
So I went to the back of the 'list' again. I was a mum, then just a junkie, I came soooo close to killing myself but fought it as I couldn't do that to my kids (I told myself we would be ok in time) or family, I figured I had caused them enough hurt. That was 9 years ago.
I'm as down in the shit as you can get! Ive got my own place now which I'm thankful for, it's clean, warm and quite nice, so it's here (well there, im at my ex-boyfriends at the moment, the one I started taking it with, like, this relationship is addictive) I'm going to get in what I think I will need, and I pray to the lord I get through it, monday or tues coming up is my start date, I have no internet connection there though and I will need some people to talk to. I'm going away with family in a month and they dont know, they think i'm clean because I 'look' ok, im sick of lying, im sick of being alive, I have to do this or I dont know, I just feel so down.
Anyways that was a happy hello from me lol
but i will never give up trying, as strange as it sounds i really need a pc, you know, to help me get on this site, watch films, keep me busy in general and get advice, but im not online till the 5th or 7th (gave me 2 diferent dates), i know it sounds like a lame excuse, but now ive goot some meds, (mirtazipine as well, great for getting some sleep) I thought i would leave it till may. Yeah gabapentin made me feel a bit weird, pregabalin 300 mg knocked me out, 75x2 mg isnt enough??? lol guess ill just have to go inbetween, funny my dealer is giving me acess to this site and handing me as many pregabs and mst's as i need, valium and mogadon! maybe its better i waited, just tying not to touch them now till i really really stop (please jesus let me have the strength..with the meds lol) Thankyou for answering I really will be needing to chat to everyone and anyone, i might not be to bad, who knows. X