*** copied from BL journal ***
I hit another meeting tonight. It was my old homegroup from when I was clean before. I saw some people that I was hoping to see and met some new ones.
I called 2 dudes from the phone list I was given last night. Spoke to one and left a message for the other.
Maybe I do want this. Maybe I do want to be the old me again.
The thing is that I'm real uneasy with my feelings. I'm so used to hiding from them, killing them or running away from them and now I realize that I have to face them and, goddess forbid, SHOW them.
I was telling a friend how I get choked up EVERY time I watch 'Intervention' and 'The Cleaner'. She said that thats a sign of a real man. I don't think I'm anywhere near being a real man. Someday? Maybe. I'm just afraid that if I ever do cry in front of someone (especially a girlfriend) then their opinion will change and the relationship will be over.
I don't have a girl right now and don't plan on getting involved for a while but when I do I want her to know that I'm strong enough to physically, emotionally and spiritually support her. My next relationship won't be so selfish. I want a teammate, not just a girlfriend.
Someday.
I hit another meeting tonight. It was my old homegroup from when I was clean before. I saw some people that I was hoping to see and met some new ones.
I called 2 dudes from the phone list I was given last night. Spoke to one and left a message for the other.
Maybe I do want this. Maybe I do want to be the old me again.
The thing is that I'm real uneasy with my feelings. I'm so used to hiding from them, killing them or running away from them and now I realize that I have to face them and, goddess forbid, SHOW them.
I was telling a friend how I get choked up EVERY time I watch 'Intervention' and 'The Cleaner'. She said that thats a sign of a real man. I don't think I'm anywhere near being a real man. Someday? Maybe. I'm just afraid that if I ever do cry in front of someone (especially a girlfriend) then their opinion will change and the relationship will be over.
I don't have a girl right now and don't plan on getting involved for a while but when I do I want her to know that I'm strong enough to physically, emotionally and spiritually support her. My next relationship won't be so selfish. I want a teammate, not just a girlfriend.
Someday.