subotai
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2014
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repost but I figured id just make a thread for this. Ive always enjoyed History (aka Social Studies in certain jurisdictions) as my favorite subject mainly because it is just learning about how humans have always more or less behaved the same way, just in different time periods. There's still drama to be found in events from the past, its just harder to gain any interest sometimes because it can be presented in a rather plain and boring fashion (on this date, this happened. why did it happen like that? I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE)
Feel free to write about anything, just make sure it is in YOUR words.
I'll admit I straight stole this from http://www.badassoftheweek.com/ but I guess that counts as a citation right? never was a huge bibliography kind of person.
Either way, I wrote this about the Battle of Sekigahara in the beginning of 17th century Japan, and afaik it is historically accurate just in a 21st century kind of way
Feel free to write about anything, just make sure it is in YOUR words.
I'll admit I straight stole this from http://www.badassoftheweek.com/ but I guess that counts as a citation right? never was a huge bibliography kind of person.
Either way, I wrote this about the Battle of Sekigahara in the beginning of 17th century Japan, and afaik it is historically accurate just in a 21st century kind of way
NSFW:
The Battle of Sekigahara is widely considered one of the most important events not involving nuclear technology in Japanese history. There were two sides in this engagement (not sure how one with 3 would work tbh).
Commanding the Western forces (kinda south-westernish actually) was Ishida Mitsunari, a giant paper pusher who was more comfortable inspecting the troops than actually commanding them in a battle. And like any good inspector, he ratted some dudes out in Korea for not knowing Code 45B of the handbook and this would actually come back to bite him in his possibly hemorrhoid afflicted asscheeks. This caused some conflict between him and the other generals on the Western side who werent actually huge pussies, whether they had a personal reason to dislike him or not. However, Mitsunari was also a very powerful man in Japan at the time because he had done a good job cock riding the previous most powerful daimyo, so everyone kind of just accepted him as the guy who got to sit at the end of the rectangular table because that way he could clearly see how much cooler all these other generals were than him (SOSAAAAA)
Commanding the Eastern forces (again, kinda northeast-ish) was Tokugawa Ieyasu, a man who came from a relatively unimportant ruling family sandwiched between two heavyweights (started from the bottom...). He learned from a young age, its not just who you know, its what they can do for you at that point in time. He changed allegiances a few times but only because he sensed some of his homies seemed to be slippin. While this might not be the most honorable facet of his existence, he aint no snitch either. He might not have been as influential across the whole of Japan as Mitsunari, but he had enough twitter followers to hold his own to say the least. He didnt get to be a part of the Korean expedition like Mitsunari but only because he was asked to house-sit by his more powerful ruler and make sure the sake was in full stock before his return. After doing a good job with this relatively easy task, he was selected to be on the Board of Directors for Feudal Japan Inc. along with 4 other daimyos who arent really important to this writing because they all fell in line to either Tokugawa's side, or Mitsunari's side (he was quite mad that he didnt get to be on the board, after all, a balanced budget got this man a nice chubb going).
While most people realized that Ishida Mitsunari was a huge bitch, they also realized he was the best chance they had at not having to consider Tokugawa their boss. So, many powerful daimyos decided to throw their lot in with the Southwestern side partially out of respect to Ishida, but mostly because they didnt feel like being the lone away team fan at a crowded local bar during some sporting event. Some of the most influential daimyos on Ishida's fantasy team included members of the: Ukita, Shimazu, Koboyakawa, and Chosokabe clans. There were other dudes there too but if they are going to be named it will be later in this writing and for negative reasons tbh. There was also this dude named Mori Terumoto who was technically the overall commander of the Southwestern side but only because most people hated Ishida's fucking guts. He was pretty much irrelevant to this battle because he didnt really hate Ishida or Ieyasu but simply had to choose a side so they could finally play some Fifa 2014. Not to mention he wasnt even there, mostly because he was incredibly indifferent to most shit and just kind of coasted off his name alone (think Robert DeNiro in recent films)
Meanwhile, Tokugawa and his Northeasternish forces were just kind of stretching out and doing calisthenics and shit while preparing for an inevitable clash. They weren't constantly arguing with each other like the opposite side, which greatly helped get everyone laid. They argued of course, but more in a sibling type of way where theyd just call each other douchebags then go pound some sake and make amends later on. Some of the most influential Northeasternish daimyos included members of the: Date, Fukushima, Kato, Kuroda, and Todo clans. There was also a general named Honda Tadakatsu who was more or less Tokugawa's right hand man and would later go on to give Puerto Ricans around the world a vehicle to call their own.
Tokugawa still had his creep game in full effect though, in the form of secretly contacting several of Ishida's generals and persuading them to switch sides at the start of the inevitable clash. Among those who told Ishida to suck a fat one included Koboyakawa (remember the Code 45B in Korea? people dont forget), Kikkawa (who was also somehow on Mori Terumoto's speed-dial. they were pretty tight but Kikkawa also knew when real recognized real and kept it cool with Tokugawa on the low as well), and Wakisaka (actually was originally a naval commander but the Japanese had a shitty excuse for a navy and after they got fucked up by the Koreans in their Kia battleships he just kind of stuck to land battles). All of these men and their forces really fucked Ishida over as if they had simply held it down for their kneeg the battle could have turned out differently.
The battle got off to a rocky start for the SWestern side before anyone even got their swords wet when Shimazu Yoshihiro suggested a surprise night attack to Ishida the night before the battle. This was promptly shut down by Ishida because then nobody could see his fancy head gear during the fight and he couldn't have everyone hate his face. This was promptly taken as an insult by Shimazu Yoshihiro who then promptly went back to his tent and made a decision with his homies to just do what they wanted the next day (mainly give people the finger). He didnt betray Ishida, but he didnt exactly help him out the next day either.
So things dragged out to the next day and as the fog lifted both sides realized like shit, this is actually going down this time for real. The SWestern side had the advantage of the higher ground and defensive stance but the NEasternish side had the advantage of having more crazy ass motherfuckers on their side. Both sides had guns but the Swestern side used them more effectively but that didnt mean shit when the fighting got real close and personal.
The Neasternish possies started to approach the main body of the SW forces and at this point in time Ishida probably started shitting bricks. He tried to give Shimazu orders but he just sat on his high horse and politely told him to go fuck himself. He tried to tell Koboyakawa to advance on the Neasternish flank but he politely told him he was busy studying up on the handbook and needed more time. Only a handful of generals actually fought hard for Ishida, and it was more out of self defense than anything.
One general named Otani was basically legally blind but still kept a heater under his saddle and more or less was on some 300 shit for Ishida despite being friends with Tokugawa as well. As to why he chose to side with Ishida, nobody knows for sure but Id assume it had to do with him being fucking blind and mislead about things. He and his forces managed to deal some serious damage to Tokugawa's left flank but he was promptly betrayed by Koboyakawa who was kind of jealous to begin with and when he saw Tokugawa coming towards his forces he finally picked a side and ordered his troops towards Otani's. Otani commited seppuku mid-battle when it became clear he was being overrun, like a fucking boss.
The central section of the fighting was probably the most pitched, with many of Ishida's most loyal generals and Tokugawa's most vicious generals fighting there. There wasn't much backstabbing here, just straight up stabbing. However, upon seeing the right flank of the SW forces being overrun, it kind of made Ishida's generals do a double take. And this is where a great commander would personally charge into battle and figure out a way to rally the troops but Ishida just kind of chilled in the back and read over maps looking for possible escape routes. As the battle slowly but surely went in the NEasternish sides favor, more and more SWesternish generals started saying "fuck this" and pulling their troops out. Many of them had territories to return to and didnt owe Ishida shit, let alone their life.
Shimazu Yoshihiro basically gathered his entire army, gave Ishida one final bird, and charged right through the weakest section of Tokugawa's forces and just kept going, only looking back to see if anyone was chasing him. Nobody did because Ishida was the main goal and this was just another example of real recognizing real. Tokugawa had respect for Shimazu, and they could have been bros if things had unfolded differently but he took Shimazu's refusal to help Ishida as helping him enough and didnt really bother Shimazu after the battle because he lived far as fuck. Kind of makes you wonder why he was there in the first place but most people think he just wanted to trample some people with his horse and fuck around a bit. Plus, he knew this was going to be a huge battle and probably picked up a lot of chicks using his escape story as the ice breaker.
So while his dream was crumbling around him, Ishida had a choice to make. Stay and fight to the end and die an honorable death, or try to escape with his life knowing that he was already a little bitch to begin with anyway.
He chose the latter, but didnt get far from the actual battlefield before being apprehended by local villagers (probably because his head gear was slowing him down) who had put money down that the SWesternish forces would cover the spread. They promptly turned him over to Tokugawa, who promptly sent him to Kyoto to be publicly executed and had his head placed on a display for all to squint at.
Tokugawa became massively powerful after this battle and rewarded those who helped him by declaring them as fudai daimyo, which basically was just a title on paper that said: this guy is my ninja(er). Everyone else were considered tozama daimyo, which was basically just a title on paper that said: if you aint someone I grew up with then fuck you. Some daimyo took offense to this, most of them didnt give two fucks considering they still had control over all their local bitches. There were more influential tozama than fudai daimyo if you want to get into statistics but that's neither here nor there, the point is they were technically of a lesser class than fudai. At the end of the day though, it didnt mean shit.
So Tokugawa became Shogun of Japan and finally united the country somewhat into basically the same thing it was before but all under the same clan tag. He tried to keep foreign influence out by hating on Christians but once they started really bringing in a lot of Western amenities that mindset fell out of favor after his death.
This battle was important because if it never happened than they probably would have fought somewhere else and the cool town name of Sekigahara would be nothing more than a blip on the google maps app.
It was important in the grand scheme of history because a united Japan figured out a way to shoot itself in the foot by isolation of the country and when they finally logged back on to the server a few hundred years later, they realized nobody fought with katanas anymore and Tom Cruise was a fucking badass. This promptly caused them to go back to their favorite pasttime of trying to conquer everyone else in Asia only this time they actually did a lot better job due to their much improved navy which was modeled after the US navy. One thing about Japanese people, they are masters of copying something done by a foreign nation and making it even better for their side. Shifty motherfuckers over there I swear, just ask Ishida. His head is probably still in Kyoto somewhere because theyre all about tradition like that.
Thank you for reading this abridged and 21st century version of the battle
#WhoIsSosa?
Commanding the Western forces (kinda south-westernish actually) was Ishida Mitsunari, a giant paper pusher who was more comfortable inspecting the troops than actually commanding them in a battle. And like any good inspector, he ratted some dudes out in Korea for not knowing Code 45B of the handbook and this would actually come back to bite him in his possibly hemorrhoid afflicted asscheeks. This caused some conflict between him and the other generals on the Western side who werent actually huge pussies, whether they had a personal reason to dislike him or not. However, Mitsunari was also a very powerful man in Japan at the time because he had done a good job cock riding the previous most powerful daimyo, so everyone kind of just accepted him as the guy who got to sit at the end of the rectangular table because that way he could clearly see how much cooler all these other generals were than him (SOSAAAAA)
Commanding the Eastern forces (again, kinda northeast-ish) was Tokugawa Ieyasu, a man who came from a relatively unimportant ruling family sandwiched between two heavyweights (started from the bottom...). He learned from a young age, its not just who you know, its what they can do for you at that point in time. He changed allegiances a few times but only because he sensed some of his homies seemed to be slippin. While this might not be the most honorable facet of his existence, he aint no snitch either. He might not have been as influential across the whole of Japan as Mitsunari, but he had enough twitter followers to hold his own to say the least. He didnt get to be a part of the Korean expedition like Mitsunari but only because he was asked to house-sit by his more powerful ruler and make sure the sake was in full stock before his return. After doing a good job with this relatively easy task, he was selected to be on the Board of Directors for Feudal Japan Inc. along with 4 other daimyos who arent really important to this writing because they all fell in line to either Tokugawa's side, or Mitsunari's side (he was quite mad that he didnt get to be on the board, after all, a balanced budget got this man a nice chubb going).
While most people realized that Ishida Mitsunari was a huge bitch, they also realized he was the best chance they had at not having to consider Tokugawa their boss. So, many powerful daimyos decided to throw their lot in with the Southwestern side partially out of respect to Ishida, but mostly because they didnt feel like being the lone away team fan at a crowded local bar during some sporting event. Some of the most influential daimyos on Ishida's fantasy team included members of the: Ukita, Shimazu, Koboyakawa, and Chosokabe clans. There were other dudes there too but if they are going to be named it will be later in this writing and for negative reasons tbh. There was also this dude named Mori Terumoto who was technically the overall commander of the Southwestern side but only because most people hated Ishida's fucking guts. He was pretty much irrelevant to this battle because he didnt really hate Ishida or Ieyasu but simply had to choose a side so they could finally play some Fifa 2014. Not to mention he wasnt even there, mostly because he was incredibly indifferent to most shit and just kind of coasted off his name alone (think Robert DeNiro in recent films)
Meanwhile, Tokugawa and his Northeasternish forces were just kind of stretching out and doing calisthenics and shit while preparing for an inevitable clash. They weren't constantly arguing with each other like the opposite side, which greatly helped get everyone laid. They argued of course, but more in a sibling type of way where theyd just call each other douchebags then go pound some sake and make amends later on. Some of the most influential Northeasternish daimyos included members of the: Date, Fukushima, Kato, Kuroda, and Todo clans. There was also a general named Honda Tadakatsu who was more or less Tokugawa's right hand man and would later go on to give Puerto Ricans around the world a vehicle to call their own.
Tokugawa still had his creep game in full effect though, in the form of secretly contacting several of Ishida's generals and persuading them to switch sides at the start of the inevitable clash. Among those who told Ishida to suck a fat one included Koboyakawa (remember the Code 45B in Korea? people dont forget), Kikkawa (who was also somehow on Mori Terumoto's speed-dial. they were pretty tight but Kikkawa also knew when real recognized real and kept it cool with Tokugawa on the low as well), and Wakisaka (actually was originally a naval commander but the Japanese had a shitty excuse for a navy and after they got fucked up by the Koreans in their Kia battleships he just kind of stuck to land battles). All of these men and their forces really fucked Ishida over as if they had simply held it down for their kneeg the battle could have turned out differently.
The battle got off to a rocky start for the SWestern side before anyone even got their swords wet when Shimazu Yoshihiro suggested a surprise night attack to Ishida the night before the battle. This was promptly shut down by Ishida because then nobody could see his fancy head gear during the fight and he couldn't have everyone hate his face. This was promptly taken as an insult by Shimazu Yoshihiro who then promptly went back to his tent and made a decision with his homies to just do what they wanted the next day (mainly give people the finger). He didnt betray Ishida, but he didnt exactly help him out the next day either.
So things dragged out to the next day and as the fog lifted both sides realized like shit, this is actually going down this time for real. The SWestern side had the advantage of the higher ground and defensive stance but the NEasternish side had the advantage of having more crazy ass motherfuckers on their side. Both sides had guns but the Swestern side used them more effectively but that didnt mean shit when the fighting got real close and personal.
The Neasternish possies started to approach the main body of the SW forces and at this point in time Ishida probably started shitting bricks. He tried to give Shimazu orders but he just sat on his high horse and politely told him to go fuck himself. He tried to tell Koboyakawa to advance on the Neasternish flank but he politely told him he was busy studying up on the handbook and needed more time. Only a handful of generals actually fought hard for Ishida, and it was more out of self defense than anything.
One general named Otani was basically legally blind but still kept a heater under his saddle and more or less was on some 300 shit for Ishida despite being friends with Tokugawa as well. As to why he chose to side with Ishida, nobody knows for sure but Id assume it had to do with him being fucking blind and mislead about things. He and his forces managed to deal some serious damage to Tokugawa's left flank but he was promptly betrayed by Koboyakawa who was kind of jealous to begin with and when he saw Tokugawa coming towards his forces he finally picked a side and ordered his troops towards Otani's. Otani commited seppuku mid-battle when it became clear he was being overrun, like a fucking boss.
The central section of the fighting was probably the most pitched, with many of Ishida's most loyal generals and Tokugawa's most vicious generals fighting there. There wasn't much backstabbing here, just straight up stabbing. However, upon seeing the right flank of the SW forces being overrun, it kind of made Ishida's generals do a double take. And this is where a great commander would personally charge into battle and figure out a way to rally the troops but Ishida just kind of chilled in the back and read over maps looking for possible escape routes. As the battle slowly but surely went in the NEasternish sides favor, more and more SWesternish generals started saying "fuck this" and pulling their troops out. Many of them had territories to return to and didnt owe Ishida shit, let alone their life.
Shimazu Yoshihiro basically gathered his entire army, gave Ishida one final bird, and charged right through the weakest section of Tokugawa's forces and just kept going, only looking back to see if anyone was chasing him. Nobody did because Ishida was the main goal and this was just another example of real recognizing real. Tokugawa had respect for Shimazu, and they could have been bros if things had unfolded differently but he took Shimazu's refusal to help Ishida as helping him enough and didnt really bother Shimazu after the battle because he lived far as fuck. Kind of makes you wonder why he was there in the first place but most people think he just wanted to trample some people with his horse and fuck around a bit. Plus, he knew this was going to be a huge battle and probably picked up a lot of chicks using his escape story as the ice breaker.
So while his dream was crumbling around him, Ishida had a choice to make. Stay and fight to the end and die an honorable death, or try to escape with his life knowing that he was already a little bitch to begin with anyway.
He chose the latter, but didnt get far from the actual battlefield before being apprehended by local villagers (probably because his head gear was slowing him down) who had put money down that the SWesternish forces would cover the spread. They promptly turned him over to Tokugawa, who promptly sent him to Kyoto to be publicly executed and had his head placed on a display for all to squint at.
Tokugawa became massively powerful after this battle and rewarded those who helped him by declaring them as fudai daimyo, which basically was just a title on paper that said: this guy is my ninja(er). Everyone else were considered tozama daimyo, which was basically just a title on paper that said: if you aint someone I grew up with then fuck you. Some daimyo took offense to this, most of them didnt give two fucks considering they still had control over all their local bitches. There were more influential tozama than fudai daimyo if you want to get into statistics but that's neither here nor there, the point is they were technically of a lesser class than fudai. At the end of the day though, it didnt mean shit.
So Tokugawa became Shogun of Japan and finally united the country somewhat into basically the same thing it was before but all under the same clan tag. He tried to keep foreign influence out by hating on Christians but once they started really bringing in a lot of Western amenities that mindset fell out of favor after his death.
This battle was important because if it never happened than they probably would have fought somewhere else and the cool town name of Sekigahara would be nothing more than a blip on the google maps app.
It was important in the grand scheme of history because a united Japan figured out a way to shoot itself in the foot by isolation of the country and when they finally logged back on to the server a few hundred years later, they realized nobody fought with katanas anymore and Tom Cruise was a fucking badass. This promptly caused them to go back to their favorite pasttime of trying to conquer everyone else in Asia only this time they actually did a lot better job due to their much improved navy which was modeled after the US navy. One thing about Japanese people, they are masters of copying something done by a foreign nation and making it even better for their side. Shifty motherfuckers over there I swear, just ask Ishida. His head is probably still in Kyoto somewhere because theyre all about tradition like that.
Thank you for reading this abridged and 21st century version of the battle
#WhoIsSosa?
Last edited:
. I have decided to challenge myself regarding what I remember from so many years back when I was still in high school, so pardon me if there's inaccuracy with the details on this post. I have to admit that I have neglected reading books about historical events for a very long time, so I am going to make it up and do my best to get back on it again! 
