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hiding addiction

love 88,
Reading how you sacrificed a Love relationship with what/who sounds like a man that made you happy is very sad indeed. I don't know you but feel for your situation in that rather than tell him, you fled. I believe your dreaming of him often because 'something' is telling you to at least offer some truths to him, to re connect.. I ask you, is there any possibility you could contact this man of past and tell him of your situation; tell him he wasn't the reason you fled. You may be surprised at his compassion regarding your battles. You were together a long time; I can't imagine he'd flip out on you because his sweetheart be struggling with something ANY person would have a tough time with, addictions.
And now your with a chump who treats you badly. Well, forget that. You need to remember, well, you. Love88, you have already made a sacrifice of grand scale letting go of a true love. and it's tearing at you in your waking hours and when you sleep. To now stay with one who treats you badly is a tragic compromise any way you look at it.
"who else will want someone like me.." please don't say stuff like that. It isn't good for you and I think you know better than that. Self love. Easy to say, hard to do but do able non the less.
I know this may not be much coming from one like me who hides it too. But I am going to share with one closest to me at some time soon and take that risk. I figure I'll find out, either way, more about how we are built.
I'm just saying I think you ought tell your ex. At the very least you'll clear some things up between the two of you and hopefully, resolve things. You may find strength back in his arms and/or at the very least, offer closure to questions on both parts.
I wish you every success.
 
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neversickanymore said:
Then people around me who love me have been instrumental in supporting me in recovery. That and I have gotten to a place where I dont give a rats ass what ignorant people, or judgmental people think.. it actually usually quite amusing to me when someone I know pretty well gets a little uppity about addiction.. cause IMHO everyone has their thing and usually people change their tune real quick when their little thing is brought into the light. They like us usually think that its all such a secrete.. usually this is not the case.. I used to think I was so sly.. and I was but people are smart and they usually know allot more than we give them credit for.

So I guess it really comes down to a individual bases for this.. but the approach I take is to be completely open and I dont take any shit from the peanut gallery. Shame and guilt are some of the strongest weapons addiction has, they make us feal "broken" and drive use, these feeling also can work into the addictions favor... it doesn't want you to have support.. it wants to battle you alone as it easier.

Again this is a individual decision, but battling addiction alone is really hard and most of us find amazing benefits in banding together and making it a group effort, support is such a strong weapon thats on our side, so weather we receive support through Bluelight, the fellowships, smart recovery, or through friends and family I think is really powerful if not essential. So if you dont want ti include your family or certain people that love you I would encourage you to develop some sort of strong support network, cause battling an addiction alone is possible, but damn lonely, Id rather walk through both the good and the bad times with some other loving souls.
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This post is excellent and says it all really!

Sorry for your pain, Ubi, and hope things get better for you.
Thinking of you,
Evey xxxx
 
I THOUGHT I was hiding my addiction. But my parents could tell. When I was using I would be lazy and sleep all day and my parents knew that's what I did when using. But every time they asked if I was using I would always deny it and I figured they believed me. I'm detoxing now but was recently using H, for about a month straight. My fiancé was also usin and she lives with me, in my parents house(yes I know thats pathetic but when you spend all your money on drugs, you cant afford a place if your own) but anyways my fiancé started to realize she was losing weight and when we finally admitted to my parents about our use, my dad came straight out and said that she looked like shit(not as in ugly, because she's still a beautiful women but as in she looked sick, cuz she was)
 
Oxy_Ghost said:
I THOUGHT I was hiding my addiction. But my parents could tell. When I was using I would be lazy and sleep all day and my parents knew that's what I did when using. But every time they asked if I was using I would always deny it and I figured they believed me. I'm detoxing now but was recently using H, for about a month straight. My fiancé was also usin and she lives with me, in my parents house(yes I know thats pathetic but when you spend all your money on drugs, you cant afford a place if your own) but anyways my fiancé started to realize she was losing weight and when we finally admitted to my parents about our use, my dad came straight out and said that she looked like shit(not as in ugly, because she's still a beautiful women but as in she looked sick, cuz she was)
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Oxy_Ghost,
So, what happened. You think they know?; did you get some support from them, you know, encouragement to get clean? I must tell you if you don't already know that once the body weight starts declining in females, often the ovaries stop working and it can be hit or miss to get them back. YOu say your engaged. Now I don 't know if you want to be a FAther but perhaps that info could be a motivating factor in both your recoveries. Sometimes doing it for others is easier than doing it for ourselves, even if the 'other's haven't been born yet. That and the fact you have a beautiful fiance and i'm sure you love her so.

Well wishes to you and yours. I'm curious how your parents handle this. Sounds like there's lots of love in the ol homestead and this is a good thing indeed.

ubi
 
Ubi said:
Oxy_Ghost,
So, what happened. You think they know?; did you get some support from them, you know, encouragement to get clean? I must tell you if you don't already know that once the body weight starts declining in females, often the ovaries stop working and it can be hit or miss to get them back. YOu say your engaged. Now I don 't know if you want to be a FAther but perhaps that info could be a motivating factor in both your recoveries. Sometimes doing it for others is easier than doing it for ourselves, even if the 'other's haven't been born yet. That and the fact you have a beautiful fiance and i'm sure you love her so.

Well wishes to you and yours. I'm curious how your parents handle this. Sounds like there's lots of love in the ol homestead and this is a good thing indeed.

ubi
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Well I'm 6 days clean now. I was using oxycodone for around 4 years and started IV heroin for a month up until I quit. A few weeks before I quit, my mom called me into the garage and told me to pull my selves up...well I had marks and bruises from shooting so that's when they really found out about the H but I know they already knew I was still doing the pills. As for my fiancé, if her ovaries not working anymore isn't gonna be a medical/health issue than I'm fine with it. We already have a 5yr old daughter together and honestly I don't want anymore kids. She says she kinda does but idk. And yes I love her soooo much and my daughter. DSS has removed my daughter from my house for a while but shes living at her aunts house until me and her mother are clean. So I can still see her and stuff but I have I travel to another city 45 minutes away and it has to be supervised but her aunt is one of the supervisors so I don't have to has DSS there. I'm tryin to get DSS to interview my grandma so she can become a supervisor so my daughter can move in with her. She only lives literally 1min from me so id be able to see my daughter more often and she could continue school.

As for my parents, they didn't like finding out that I was using H but they're glad I'm quitting. My dad took off 3 weeks of work to stay with me and my mom is in rehab right now but he gets to come home next Tuesday.
 
Oxy Ghost, I'm sorry for all that's happened. You must have gone through hell having had your daughter removed. I hope that you do well in your recovery and get her back in your care. I saw your photos of you n your daughter n they were sweet. Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best.
Evey :) xxxx
 
Eveleivibe said:
Oxy Ghost, I'm sorry for all that's happened. You must have gone through hell having had your daughter removed. I hope that you do well in your recovery and get her back in your care. I saw your photos of you n your daughter n they were sweet. Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best.
Evey :) xxxx
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Yeah having her taken away was bullshit. My mom thought I was shooting up in front of my kid. My mom was really depressed and decided to get her sister to come to the our house so they could talk. My mom ended up telling her sister that I was doing stuff in front of my daughter. I was out to dinner at the time and got a call from my aunt. I answered and she started cussing me out so I hung up. I think she's the one that reported us to DSS. But they don't know what they're talking about. My daughter has NEVER seen me stick a needle in my arm. But thanks for the support, it means a lot. We're gonna call the case worker today and try to get my daughter moved in with my grandma cuz she isn't happy where she's at now. The first time I called my daughter after she left, the first thing she asked was when I was coming to pick her up:( it broke my heart to tell her that I couldn't and didn't know when I would be able to:( so hopefully she'll be close to home soon so I can see her everyday. I need it, make me feel a lot better
 
That's dreadful reporting your own family I'm so terribly sorry. I was threatened with losing my child due to my ex's behaviour so I can understand how frightening and stressful but I cannot begin to imagine the pain and heartache that you are both, as we as your daughter, going through.
In defence of your family I suppose they were frightened and no sure of what to do for the best.
Have they got you on a plan of recovery in order for you to have your daughter back in your care?
I really hope that everything comes right for you and that your path to recovery is as smooth as it can get.

As I say to everyone, you're more than welcome to PM if ever you need someone to talk or listen. I'm not sure I'll have the right words to say or any brilliant advice but if you ever need someone to listen my E-mail (PM) is always open.

Evey xxxx
 
Dunno said:
WORST THING YOU CAN DO. IN THE END YOU WILL BE SO FUCKED PEOPLE CAN TELL AND YOU WILL STRUGGLE WITH EVERYTHING.

Shit happens man, shit happens, but ppl know u cant hide it, I handle it in through past expiernces and things that aren't goin good at the moment so i sorta channel that energy or something and focus
probably makes no sense, not slept bit of drink eaten 2 days
so im thinkin of that plus the other stuff i mentioned...
u cant beat someone who is sober, lol they know u think ur sober and acting ok but ur definitely not lol
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Dunno, so your saying keep it hidden because at the end of day, no matter how open minded one claims to be, it is basic human 101 to unjustly judge?. I must say, I wonder about that too, though I have to believe there are those who truly are open minded. Though perhaps, not in my family.
Safer better than sorry. Still rough to go at it alone but sounds like your doing just that.
two days without food or drink.
Go eat some food and a nice tall glass of room temperature water. Have a nice stretch on the floor and then eat some more.
hope your alright man.

Oxy G,
Talk about having your heart dropped on the floor; especially when your baby asks you when your coming to get her and having no answer in return.
I wish you and yours to best possible outcome; may your family be re united soon and may you and your fiance get clean and STAY clean for the future of both yourselves and your baby girl.
I wish you strong luck, determination and success.... yes, success, may it come quick.
 
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Ubi said:
Oxy G,
Talk about having your heart dropped on the floor; especially when your baby asks you when your coming to get her and having no answer in return.
I wish you and yours to best possible outcome; may your family be re united soon and may you and your fiance get clean and STAY clean for the future of both yourselves and your baby girl.
I wish you strong luck, determination and success.... yes, success, may it come quick.
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Yeah it makes me cry every time I think about it. I know she's not happy where she's at, I see it in her and I hear in her. I'm doing everything I can to get her closer to home. I've been calling DSS all day but have yet to get someone to answer or call back cuz I have problems with the ppl that are supposed to be watching her. Durring the day she's with someone who ISN'T a person that was made a supervisor by DSS and that's not what our deal was when we decided where she would stay. So that and her not being happy or able to go to school or be with the people she actually knows are my reasons to bring her closer to home. She's with her aunt but she doesn't know her that well. We see them maybe a few times a year. That's why she isn't happy, she doesn't know them. We're trying to get her moved to my grandmas, she knows my grandma very well. She lives literally 1min from me and visits us very frequently. She also runs a licensed daycare out of her home and there are kids there my daughter knows and that alone is a great reason for her to move in there. Plus she could go back to school, she needs to go back to school

And thanks, I'm trying my hardest to get clean and stay clean. I feel I'm doing it more or my fiancé and daughter than for myself. They're all I care about and I'm ready to have them back in my arms.

Eveleivibe said:
That's dreadful reporting your own family I'm so terribly sorry. I was threatened with losing my child due to my ex's behaviour so I can understand how frightening and stressful but I cannot begin to imagine the pain and heartache that you are both, as we as your daughter, going through.
In defence of your family I suppose they were frightened and no sure of what to do for the best.
Have they got you on a plan of recovery in order for you to have your daughter back in your care?
I really hope that everything comes right for you and that your path to recovery is as smooth as it can get.

As I say to everyone, you're more than welcome to PM if ever you need someone to talk or listen. I'm not sure I'll have the right words to say or any brilliant advice but if you ever need someone to listen my E-mail (PM) is always open.

Evey xxxx
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Yeah I can understand why they did it and in a way it's been a good thing. The threats and reports to DSS is why I'm getting clean. If my parent never found out I was banging H than I'd be getting high right now but I'm glad I'm not. As of right now I have no plan. I gotta have an assessment done at RHA, I'll probably be on IOP. But I think that when they DSS pays another visit to me and I take a drug test than my daughter will come home since my house won't be considered "unsafe" anymore. That's why she's not here, they said my house is unsafe. I'm already planning on meeting whether I have to or not, I know I'll have to do something. But im just not sure meetings will be for me and I don't know how I'm gonna tell my parents that cuz they believe the only way to stay clean is the meetings. But DSS also gave me the option of like going one on one with a counselor, I might do that. But if my fiancé and mom(my mom is in rehab recovering from alcohol, Ativan and ambien abuse) can go with me to meetings than I'll feel a lot better about going. I'm a very shy person and when I go somewhere new I like to have someone with me that I know and I think going together will keep us going to meetings. If I dont go with anyone than I'd just lie about going.

And thanks, if I ever need anything I'll definitely shoot you a message.
 
Oxy, well you keep it up man; sounds like your doing all you can to get your baby back closer to home. AS far as taking up DSS' option of seeing a counsellor, well, it's a good idea to go. Might be tough going at it alone but it would also go a long way towards proving to them that you mean it when you say you want to get better and be a good, no, a 'great' Father. So yeah, even if your Mother and Fiance can't attend with, I highly encourage you to go anyway.
Share with them your concerns regarding your daughter. This will go far in showing them your desire to get that family unit back together because at the end of the day, no one wants to break up a family. They want to see your daughter back with you, just need to prove to them that that's what you want too.
Bite the bullet, go to the meetings.
best wishes to you and yours
 
Well, I'd be lying if I said I was in the free and clear. Not easy to go cold turkey when relief is a step away in the medicine cabinet but I am each day taking less and surprised by how even a small decrease with them still effects the body so harshly. Find myself wondering if the meds were masking other problems that now, I feel. I have read the horrible body aches and electrical storms in my joints is normal; that the cold then hot as all get is par for the course as well, the sweats, all that.
Each morning my body yearns for relief and on some days, I ride it out and other days I am 'weak' but once the relief comes, my body is so happy with me, like an old friend telling me, why would you ever want to get rid of me? I give you the feeling of 'nothing', I take your pain away. And when I feel no pain, I tend to agree.
Over the past decade I went from several 60mg long acting a day plus break through meds down to one 60mg a day, no break through. I half them and though the doc says don't crush them, I tend to nibble a little as the relief comes faster than waiting for the capsule to melt in my tummy.
So, how am I doing? Well, 'human' and often rather humbled. I am proud I've reduced them so very much but they have also taken so much of me away; like my ability to reproduce. Lost the ovaries ten years ago but by some seemingly magical something or other, they came back last year. Made me really happy. But even with just one tablet a day, this is no way to bring a baby into the World for me. But that's some extra personal stuff.

How are you doing?
Hope we're all good. Strutting our stuff and finding we like it.

You know what gets me? Knowing there are people out there that have no choice but to go cold turkey and the pain and suffering they'll endure with little or no help from those who are suppose to help us. I can't believe that happens. So very cruel. I know there are programs but access to all is a pipe dream. I shake my head at this.
anyway, that's how I'm doing.
hope we all be alright.
happy day to you!
 
Eveleivibe said:
Oxy you're a good father. I can tell by what you say you just want your best for the little girl. I hope that they let her live with her gran. It makes sense by what you've said xxxx
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Well thank you:)

DSS is running background checks on my grandma and stuff but her record is clean and I think with everything we've told DSS(the school even called them and said it would be good for her to live there) that there is 99% chance she'll be moved to my grandmas. Hopefully as soon as I have my assessment done, a drug test and start doing meeting than she'll be able to come home
 
Ubi said:
Well, I'd be lying if I said I was in the free and clear. Not easy to go cold turkey when relief is a step away in the medicine cabinet but I am each day taking less and surprised by how even a small decrease with them still effects the body so harshly. Find myself wondering if the meds were masking other problems that now, I feel. I have read the horrible body aches and electrical storms in my joints is normal; that the cold then hot as all get is par for the course as well, the sweats, all that.
Each morning my body yearns for relief and on some days, I ride it out and other days I am 'weak' but once the relief comes, my body is so happy with me, like an old friend telling me, why would you ever want to get rid of me? I give you the feeling of 'nothing', I take your pain away. And when I feel no pain, I tend to agree.
Over the past decade I went from several 60mg long acting a day plus break through meds down to one 60mg a day, no break through. I half them and though the doc says don't crush them, I tend to nibble a little as the relief comes faster than waiting for the capsule to melt in my tummy.
So, how am I doing? Well, 'human' and often rather humbled. I am proud I've reduced them so very much but they have also taken so much of me away; like my ability to reproduce. Lost the ovaries ten years ago but by some seemingly magical something or other, they came back last year. Made me really happy. But even with just one tablet a day, this is no way to bring a baby into the World for me. But that's some extra personal stuff.

How are you doing?
Hope we're all good. Strutting our stuff and finding we like it.

You know what gets me? Knowing there are people out there that have no choice but to go cold turkey and the pain and suffering they'll endure with little or no help from those who are suppose to help us. I can't believe that happens. So very cruel. I know there are programs but access to all is a pipe dream. I shake my head at this.
anyway, that's how I'm doing.
hope we all be alright.
happy day to you!
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I understand that temptation to feel no pain. It is possible to change the relationship to pain, though. The physical pain you are feeling has an end if you keep going. You could try charting the progress you are making through the physical symptoms by saying, "this is what it feels like for my body to become free again. This is the path through."

Feeling human and humbled is never a bad thing.Been rather humbled by circumstances the last few days myself.<3
 
Humble pie is the slice of the day. 'through'. indeed.

hope everyone's doing well.

and you Herbavore? you doing ok?
 
Ooh, grunt, groan, strange noises and the thought, 'how long is this pie going to last?' Strange thoughts I'm having. Darker than, well, usual. Been kicking things without even meaning to. Just happens, oh there goes the pile of clothes down the stairs. I imagine its me kicking myself.

these aches and pains are worse than post radical surgery pains.
I be humpty dumpty, where is that crazy glue.

yup, in full on woe mode. Still, good to share with you fine folks

i'm having a tough time
 
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