I skipped church this morning. I was too hung over probably but I didn't even test it. I woke up at 6am, packed a bowl, lit it up and downed a little xanax and slept til...well, now.
Last night I ended up "finding" 10 mg of hydrocodone to top my tiny bit of oxy (5 mg) off with. It really did not give me a buzz whatsoever but I could certainly feel the anti-depressive properties. So I went four days tapering down, got to one night of zero opiates and then fucked with 15mg of assorted pain pills yesterday. What does this say about my resolve? All I really know is that I didn't wake up high and I really don't feel very well today.
I'm doing the sobriety thing slowly. I don't know if I'll ever be purely free from mind/mood-altering substances. I really hope I can but now I find myself bargaining with my girlfriend to let me smoke weed so we can get married. So far there's been no budge. She won't marry me if I'm still a stoner/junkie.
I can't blame her, not on a morning like today. I am so damn depressed today. There's no euphoria to be had out there is there? I mean, I know i'm in a rebounding depression swing here from chronic opioid abuse, but why is everything so fucking boring all the time? I don't feel like doing anything b/c my body isn't tingling and numb. I'm not wrapped in that "Mommy's warm and cool blanket" to enjoy myself while moving through the blankness that is "normal life."
Seriously all I've been thinking about all morning is how to get about $40 today and go score 80mg. I could blow it all today and just be SO HAPPY.
I won't though. I'm too much of a pussy. And I'm truly broke. I wouldn't steal anything or sell something valuable that I own b/c...well...it's too much work for one. Most pawn shops aren't open normal hours around here on Sundays. I've seriously already gone through this thought progression.
Then there'd be actually finding somebody who has something good for sale at an unridiculous price. I usually find myself in the almighty TRAILER PARK to find narcotic pain pills. I haven't cut ties with these people yet, but it's been a good week since I made a purchase and already I can feel a distaince. A dealer called me during my detox and offered to front me an 80 til payday and I actually refuse.
So, basically what I'm saying is I'm confused as fuck and lonely and super-bored. My anxiety isn't bad b/c of the 6am xanax party. I really think I should go see a doctor in the next few days and see if we can resolve some of these issues.
Last night I ended up "finding" 10 mg of hydrocodone to top my tiny bit of oxy (5 mg) off with. It really did not give me a buzz whatsoever but I could certainly feel the anti-depressive properties. So I went four days tapering down, got to one night of zero opiates and then fucked with 15mg of assorted pain pills yesterday. What does this say about my resolve? All I really know is that I didn't wake up high and I really don't feel very well today.
I'm doing the sobriety thing slowly. I don't know if I'll ever be purely free from mind/mood-altering substances. I really hope I can but now I find myself bargaining with my girlfriend to let me smoke weed so we can get married. So far there's been no budge. She won't marry me if I'm still a stoner/junkie.
I can't blame her, not on a morning like today. I am so damn depressed today. There's no euphoria to be had out there is there? I mean, I know i'm in a rebounding depression swing here from chronic opioid abuse, but why is everything so fucking boring all the time? I don't feel like doing anything b/c my body isn't tingling and numb. I'm not wrapped in that "Mommy's warm and cool blanket" to enjoy myself while moving through the blankness that is "normal life."
Seriously all I've been thinking about all morning is how to get about $40 today and go score 80mg. I could blow it all today and just be SO HAPPY.
I won't though. I'm too much of a pussy. And I'm truly broke. I wouldn't steal anything or sell something valuable that I own b/c...well...it's too much work for one. Most pawn shops aren't open normal hours around here on Sundays. I've seriously already gone through this thought progression.
Then there'd be actually finding somebody who has something good for sale at an unridiculous price. I usually find myself in the almighty TRAILER PARK to find narcotic pain pills. I haven't cut ties with these people yet, but it's been a good week since I made a purchase and already I can feel a distaince. A dealer called me during my detox and offered to front me an 80 til payday and I actually refuse.
So, basically what I'm saying is I'm confused as fuck and lonely and super-bored. My anxiety isn't bad b/c of the 6am xanax party. I really think I should go see a doctor in the next few days and see if we can resolve some of these issues.