Thanks for all the welcomes...I can't believe how my tolerance has came back so fast....before I went to rehab August 2012 I was at 360 mgs of oxycontin a day...I get the 60mgs twice a day with two break thrus 15 mgs of Roxie's. I refuse to take my 15's on a regular basis cause I know what I do....up the nose....
i didn't think my tolerance would come back this fast seeing how I took a break. I did keep going to my pain management doctor then this whole time. I would take a 15 before I went to see him so he thinks I've never stopped. He's also my neorologist. And because I have ms I needed the regular meds to function. I haven't had a flare up in over a year...no I don't have a stock pile. Between my husband and well, other people I managed to not take them except when I saw him three times a year.
when I went to the rehab in 2012 it took me a very very long time to even feel ok. And, now I'm back on the stuff. I have so many mixed up emotions about this. Part of me feels like I failed, the other part tells me it's ok because I didn't do so hot off the meds....between the pain and depression. I've had some other surgeries, like a knee replacement in 10 and carpel tunnel surgery in 2011....
i really really am trying not to get hooked again but geez them oxys have a powerful grip.
ive already started to cheat....because let's face it....they make me feel great, no worries, no pain, energy...and I love love love the euphoria that comes along with it.
i don't want to ever go back to the way it was before I got help. I'm doing all that I can to not. I'm hoping I learned some coping skills from all the meetings I've attended. I just don't know what to think...
and, my husband is an addict so.....let's say I've got issues. I haven't shared im back on my meds with a lot of people. I don't want the grief that comes along with that whole conversation....my sponsor knows, hubby...but nobody else except y"all....sooo much guilt comes with this....so much negative thoughts....
i just don't know what to do....I missed so much work off the meds because I couldn't move and pain issues and before that I missed so much work battling detoxes and withdrawls....I lost my job last year and I was with that company 6 years....got a new job now...but now no F.m.l.a yet, just been there 2 months and a week.
i give my husband my meds to hold to try to help....but when I want to cheat I know how. I either talk him into let's do another one. Or get them....I feel it slipping some days...and anyone who lives with an addict knows how easy it is to talk them into cheating...
i just need help. Please give advice for me. I'm trying to do it right but feel I'm still doing it wrong.
Welcome to Bluelight, I'm a Newbie too. 
