BalkanHazemood
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 21, 2011
- Messages
- 8
My thoughts are a little chaotic but I'm gonna try to get to the point of my polydrug abuse ...Like others I have natural curiosity for anything mind-altering.
I started smoking a lot of Good natural bulgarian weed ...It was incredible cheap back in 2003 for the amount of <no prices> you can obtain 100g excellent grass...But this was the trigger i smoked all day long and decent to the oblivion of herb.The first time i stopped was in 2005 i went to South Africa where my aunt(psychiatrist) was working and living there.So i stopped very rapidly smoking and started to suffer from terrible panic attacks and depressive demotivated for anything moods...my aunt offered me to start some anti-depressive medicine but i refused and wanted to see if I obtain some grass and so i bought some durban poison and this was one of my darkest trips ...scarier from LSD or Hawain woodrose ,incredible fear to interact with the world.
After that dreadful vacation which i couldn't enjoy not a bit i returned in Bulgaria at that time I had alot of true friends so they realize something is different with me.The depression and anxiety become unbearable so i checked to see a Doctor(psychiatrist) she said that my nervous system is by nature overactive and emotional to the border of mania so she prescribed DEANXITE and RIVOTRIL(clonazepam 2mg) so I happily continued my cannabis abuse and stared a new one the mighty benzo after some time I realized that this combo just block the anxiety but didnt fixed the problem...
SO here my all time favorite drug amphetamine come along for the ride ,,, i instantly fell in love with this uplifting chemical...(in Bulgaria speed is incredible cheap and strong base or sulphate)My body really has a strong tolerance for speed so in the begging the side effects were minimal .Time passed by I tried MDMA superb experience but with the first comedown something happened and i sank more deep in fear so i continued speed in 1 2 grams per day with a lot of cigarettes a lot of coffea a lot of good times with the gang alot of girlfriends I was in the hype but as you all know what comes up must come down the withdraw from speed and clonezepam simultaneously i was in HELL
so my aunt intervened and i started ssri ( zoloft ) after the first 3 weeks i was free of fear ,free of doubt ,free of myself a little bit manic especially combined with alcohol .I stopped amphetamines but started smoking again a lot of bud and drank like a fool my drinking behavior was obscene selfdestructive depressive completely hopeless and part of my mind didnt excepted that i was having hellish amnesia 9 hours or so with each binge ...after two years of self-loathing and descending deeper and deeper to the quick sands of fear from myself and the confusion in me.But i must be honest my motives was to be able to smoke ,use speed and such ...thats why i decided to turn to pharmaceutical help.
So the story continue with many beginnings to try to graduate university ,I started studying Psychology but i dropped after 2 years i was doing fine but my feeling of shame and flaws in my personality brought me down.The same thing happened again and I decided to start working in one terrible company(loans and such) there i really was pushing the edges of my being and started to feel always down,fatigued,my skin was pale even green so i checked in hospital if anything was wrong and the doctors was amazed that i was sick for 3 4 months with tuberculosis(the lack of sleep,the poor diet,the speed,the stress and such) contributed for this state but i think the main reason is that i was forcing myself to please my parents,friends,society even, doing something that i despite(banks loans and such) and the feeling of I'm doing something against my own ideals and believes really got a psychical form. Form of a really long illness which I think showed me the problems and really saved me from the soulless world of this work and this attitude for life.
It was not easy to overcome the idea that my being will never be good like before(i don't want to explain the feeling in this period of 10 months) but my spirit was strong and i healed well ,now I'm trying to find the balance in me and i started cutting down substances first was the weed ,then i completely stopped drinking ,cut down the use of amphetamines but sometimes i screw up and start a speed binge ending with comedown medicated with weed and for the sleep crazy amount of alcohol.
Now i don't know how to explain my feelings so you can understand me but they are so intense i really can focus.My hope is not dead , Its reborn-ed ,It's the only thing that keeps me going and the love that i feel for everything and everyone the universal gift to us humans of loving our existence.I want to bless my friends that stand ed by my side even when it was ugly and intense to handle,I want to bless my parents which suffered along with me and the amazing thing that is LIFE. PEACE LOVE AND UNITY WILL SAVES US ALL I PRAY FOR A BETTER FUTURE
I started smoking a lot of Good natural bulgarian weed ...It was incredible cheap back in 2003 for the amount of <no prices> you can obtain 100g excellent grass...But this was the trigger i smoked all day long and decent to the oblivion of herb.The first time i stopped was in 2005 i went to South Africa where my aunt(psychiatrist) was working and living there.So i stopped very rapidly smoking and started to suffer from terrible panic attacks and depressive demotivated for anything moods...my aunt offered me to start some anti-depressive medicine but i refused and wanted to see if I obtain some grass and so i bought some durban poison and this was one of my darkest trips ...scarier from LSD or Hawain woodrose ,incredible fear to interact with the world.
After that dreadful vacation which i couldn't enjoy not a bit i returned in Bulgaria at that time I had alot of true friends so they realize something is different with me.The depression and anxiety become unbearable so i checked to see a Doctor(psychiatrist) she said that my nervous system is by nature overactive and emotional to the border of mania so she prescribed DEANXITE and RIVOTRIL(clonazepam 2mg) so I happily continued my cannabis abuse and stared a new one the mighty benzo after some time I realized that this combo just block the anxiety but didnt fixed the problem...
SO here my all time favorite drug amphetamine come along for the ride ,,, i instantly fell in love with this uplifting chemical...(in Bulgaria speed is incredible cheap and strong base or sulphate)My body really has a strong tolerance for speed so in the begging the side effects were minimal .Time passed by I tried MDMA superb experience but with the first comedown something happened and i sank more deep in fear so i continued speed in 1 2 grams per day with a lot of cigarettes a lot of coffea a lot of good times with the gang alot of girlfriends I was in the hype but as you all know what comes up must come down the withdraw from speed and clonezepam simultaneously i was in HELL
so my aunt intervened and i started ssri ( zoloft ) after the first 3 weeks i was free of fear ,free of doubt ,free of myself a little bit manic especially combined with alcohol .I stopped amphetamines but started smoking again a lot of bud and drank like a fool my drinking behavior was obscene selfdestructive depressive completely hopeless and part of my mind didnt excepted that i was having hellish amnesia 9 hours or so with each binge ...after two years of self-loathing and descending deeper and deeper to the quick sands of fear from myself and the confusion in me.But i must be honest my motives was to be able to smoke ,use speed and such ...thats why i decided to turn to pharmaceutical help.
So the story continue with many beginnings to try to graduate university ,I started studying Psychology but i dropped after 2 years i was doing fine but my feeling of shame and flaws in my personality brought me down.The same thing happened again and I decided to start working in one terrible company(loans and such) there i really was pushing the edges of my being and started to feel always down,fatigued,my skin was pale even green so i checked in hospital if anything was wrong and the doctors was amazed that i was sick for 3 4 months with tuberculosis(the lack of sleep,the poor diet,the speed,the stress and such) contributed for this state but i think the main reason is that i was forcing myself to please my parents,friends,society even, doing something that i despite(banks loans and such) and the feeling of I'm doing something against my own ideals and believes really got a psychical form. Form of a really long illness which I think showed me the problems and really saved me from the soulless world of this work and this attitude for life.
It was not easy to overcome the idea that my being will never be good like before(i don't want to explain the feeling in this period of 10 months) but my spirit was strong and i healed well ,now I'm trying to find the balance in me and i started cutting down substances first was the weed ,then i completely stopped drinking ,cut down the use of amphetamines but sometimes i screw up and start a speed binge ending with comedown medicated with weed and for the sleep crazy amount of alcohol.
Now i don't know how to explain my feelings so you can understand me but they are so intense i really can focus.My hope is not dead , Its reborn-ed ,It's the only thing that keeps me going and the love that i feel for everything and everyone the universal gift to us humans of loving our existence.I want to bless my friends that stand ed by my side even when it was ugly and intense to handle,I want to bless my parents which suffered along with me and the amazing thing that is LIFE. PEACE LOVE AND UNITY WILL SAVES US ALL I PRAY FOR A BETTER FUTURE
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