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Hi I’m pat just joined on here and Id love to talk with people daily since I’m struggling rn

P

PatDC4l

Greenlighter
Joined
May 22, 2022
Messages
14
I had been completely sober of everything but weed for almost 2 months but today I drank almost half a bottle of whiskey and took some kratom I don’t know why Since Ive been feeling worse each time I do.. i been walking around my neighborhood late looking for the same person that robbed me 5 years ago and also scaring random people and cars late night hoping something will happen to me ..I’m scared to die even though I feel like I want to so badly..But still Staying sober and hopefully positive after this but idk I got so much I want to vent right now . Please feel free to vent or ask me anything too
 
n3ophy7e said:
Hi @PatDC4l welcome to Bluelight! Sorry to hear you're not feeling great tonight. Congrats on the 2 months of clean time before today though, that is awesome!! You should be really proud of yourself for that solid effort <3
Is there anything in particular that's on your mind?
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Thanks I appreciate that .. it’s a long story but yea i been feeling like im waking up from a nightmare when I think about the way I acted and how I treated people when high , I wish I can blame the drugs but it was still my choices . I used to deliver food like 5 years ago and I hated My old co workers they disrespected me all the time probably because it was easy since I was late and really high all the time and I also know one of them stole my tip money and I’ve been angry and obsessed with getting “even” with this guy . So after a while of back and forth online practically begging for my money back I went up to his apartment with my gun and after arguing with his dad and hearing him constantly deny it they called the police and I was arrested for armed violence but later reduced to unlawful use of a weapon and this was 2 years ago and I still think of revenge like 247 it just blows my mind that someone can be so scared to call police yet still can’t admit he owes me my money he stole . I know it sounds crazy to some but It dosent make sense for me to just let this go Cause the way I see it is he’s the crazy one that’s willing to die over MY money . I went on a rant but hopefully y’all can relate.. there’s alot more to it too but do any of you have these grudges you can’t seem to let go of?
 
PatDC4l said:
waking up from a nightmare when I think about the way I acted and how I treated people when high , I wish I can blame the drugs but it was still my choices .
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It took some time for me to forgive myself for the people I've hurt over my drug use, particularly the awful things I did to the ones closest to me. Even though they have formally forgiven me for it years ago, it took even longer to forgive myself, but eventually I did. I had to learn that the choices we make are not who we are.

The past is the past, it is not our present or our future. The past is gone, it doesn't exist anymore. Dwelling on it is not going to change what happened and is only holding you back.

If anything it has made me a better person, as I would dare not ever behave that way again. We learn, we grow.

PatDC4l said:
do any of you have these grudges you can’t seem to let go of?
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The same applies with grudges.

Fuck that person for taking your tips, but holding onto this grudge is only harming you. Revenge is toxic.

When we get sober these memories become painfully obvious because we aren't numb anymore. It will pass with time if you let it.

Try to focus on other things like little daily improvements in your life. This is much more productive. :)
 
PatDC4l said:
I been feeling like im waking up from a nightmare when I think about the way I acted and how I treated people when high , I wish I can blame the drugs but it was still my choices .
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Welcome. I just wanted to say most people never get to that self reflective state where they realize that they may have harmed someone or need to change their actions. Actually we all need to self reflect. But I wanted to say that since you already are there thinking about your actions you are ahead of most people. It comes down to something as simply as treating others, and yourself kindly. That is easy and you can start today. So it is refreshing to see self reflection. I would feel better about yourself about that. It is a shining light.

Again though we all have that work. Most people could give a damn about how they effect people yet our actions are the most important aspect of our lives. I always say I don't want to leave any muddy tracks that I have to clean up. I know you get that statement.

I will say if alcohol is a persons crutch it is not sustainable. Most other drugs are at least if you can acquire them. Alcohol kills everything it touches. It is one of it's industrial uses. The older a person gets the more that is true. Yougens can drink a lot. Older it gets sticky.

Life is all about feeling better but most don't realize it is our actions that are most important in that quest.
 
JackARoe said:
Welcome. I just wanted to say most people never get to that self reflective state where they realize that they may have harmed someone or need to change their actions. Actually we all need to self reflect. But I wanted to say that since you already are there thinking about your actions you are ahead of most people. It comes down to something as simply as treating others, and yourself kindly. That is easy and you can start today. So it is refreshing to see self reflection. I would feel better about yourself about that. It is a shining light.

Again though we all have that work. Most people could give a damn about how they effect people yet our actions are the most important aspect of our lives. I always say I don't want to leave any muddy tracks that I have to clean up. I know you get that statement.

I will say if alcohol is a persons crutch it is not sustainable. Most other drugs are at least if you can acquire them. Alcohol kills everything it touches. It is one of it's industrial uses. The older a person gets the more that is true. Yougens can drink a lot. Older it gets sticky.

Life is all about feeling better but most don't realize it is our actions that are most important in that quest.
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Thanks for your perspective I appreciate you , and your right about Not wanting to clean up your tracks but yea luckily i never got huge into alcohol as it was benzos that really messed me up back then
 
Thanks for your support! Its great that you aren’t tied to your past because as you know we are our biggest critics sometimes so your perspective is refreshing to me ..and I know what you mean that dwelling on it can be harmful for me and people around me but on the other hand i feel like it’s a lack of action and not following through on my threats that hurts me in a similar way cause like you said it’s only hurting me ..because I didn’t hurt the person that deserves it. this may be childish but i know for sure I’d feel better about myself if I hurt and violated this man it’s just the legal consequences for doing so would be the end of me for sure . I know it’s not worth it now but I still think about getting back a lot but tbh my biggest trigger is when I get angry with my mom I feel disgusted with myself that I would get like that with my own mother but Not even touch the guy that violated and stole from me . It drives me crazy when I think like that and I know it’s pretty irrational because I love my mom
 
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PatDC4l said:
this may be childish but i know for sure I’d feel better about myself if I hurt and violated this man
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Don't believe everything you think. Our minds are fallible and often come to the wrong predictions or conclusions. "Childish", maybe, but at least you know it is a silly thing to do. I think by saying this you understand that you want to seek revenge as a way to seek freedom from these lingering thoughts and emotions, but there are better ways to go about obtaining this. It's often as easy as just letting it go.

Here is a cheesy Buddhist lesson for your enjoyment :)

Buddhist perspectives have helped me more than most things in life, to achieve at least some peace of mind in my life, through all the awful things that have happened to me, and the awful which has come from me.

 
Thanks I could definitely get use of Buddhism and those stories to bring some me peace lol it reminds of the story’s in the Old Testament. appreciate ya
 
Welcome to BL Pat.Two months sobriety are two months....it's also a victory despite you don't won the war.Hold on.Here are great people and many of them could be very useful to you with advice,nice word and true support.
 
Hi @PatDC4l
Welcome to Bluelight :)

We have loads of 'talk to yourself' type of threads I call them here, like in The Dark Side we have a 'how are you in 1 word' thread, or even 'vent about your day' thread there
Music has 'what song are you listening too, or what chill music you like',
Each forum here has a small dedicated thread, with multiple users that participate.
The question for you is, where does Pat belong?
The cool thing about Bluelight is Pat belongs everywhere here, ❤️
 
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