Hi guys - really fucked up and need some serious help

[brainfogboy]

Hello everyone, the name is Tyler and I'm asking for help here because after 3 years of trying I haven't gotten it elsewhere (psychs, doctors, etc.).

I'm a 28 years old, disabled veteran. Long story short, I was really fucked up from my service and self medicating with alcohol. In and out of psych wards (10+ times) for years, no psych drugs were working at all. I discovered amphetamines and was in love. Doctor wrote me a script, never abused em, life was great for several months. I would take them as suicidal abortive pills on an as needed basis.

Hit a bad spot, was using more amp then I should have (along with ritalin at the same time), had a massive overdose. This wasn't the "took too much, take a xanax and calm down" type of anxiety provoking feeling. This was a bum rush to the hospital, full blown psychosis, heart beating out of my chest, having conversations with god and telling him to fuck off I'm not ready to die, massive overheating (dumping buckets of water on my head) kind of overdose.

I have never been the same since.

I'm in a constant 'fog' that never goes away. Pressure in my brain. Head feels full and dull. Thoughts are non-existent, and when they do come they are slow. I was always very bright as a child; gifted program in school, never touched drugs or alcohol, ended up in the Army because I never fit in (even as an athlete) mostly because of my intelligence and lack of ability to socialize with my peers, and thought the band-of-brothers thing was a reality where I could bond with men as we go through hell together. Needless to say that was a load of bullshit.

My mental capacity is a fraction of what it used to be (even while I was fucked up, stressed, anxious, hyper-vigilant after getting out of the Army). The anxiety and stress have nothing to do with my cognition. The overdose blew a fuse in my brain. I can not longer read books, watch movies, write computer programs. I dropped out of school while going for my Computer Engineering degree (which was easy as shit since I taught myself most of the curriculum in my early teens as a hobby) because I can no longer function as a human being. This easy material has become impossible because I can't do simple tasks. It has gotten so bad that I often forget where I am, what my name is, what I am doing, and what day of the week it is, and this has been going on for 3 years straight.

I have not touched drugs since then. No alcohol, no amphetamines, nothing. I am afraid to do anything.The funny thing is that if I ever get back to baseline I made a vow to myself that all my mental Army shit wouldn't bother me anymore, because this brain fog has been so bad that nothing on the outside world can compare to the mindlessness of this hell I am now in. I just want to be normal again.
I have been patiently waiting for my brain to get back to normal but it isn't doing so. My heart rate is high all the time for no reason (even with no anxiety), around 120bpm, and has been elevated since my overdose almost permanently. I feel like I'm stuck in a state of constant mild-overdose. I can't even tolerate coffee or any mild, low dose stimulant because it immediately puts me back in overdose world. I've become hypersensitive stimulants of any kind, even sugar.

Is this permanent? Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Is there a way out of this? 3 years clean is a long time for me, and all the healthy eating and exercise in the world aren't helping me get back to normal. I'm ready to blow my fucking brains out but the warrior part of me won't quit yet, even though I'm unable to attend school, work, and have been homeless for some time. Currently got on disability so at least I now have a roof over my head (and a computer to type this on).

I was doing very well in my engineering program, even when I was fucked up from military service. Now I'm a braindead zombie without a thought in my head. I just want to get on with my life and get back to being a student, aiming for a successful career.

Any insight would be great. Doctors are of no help, I've seen dozens of them. I'm done with the pills.

Tyler

 

[brainfogboy]

Really fucked up, need some serious help (disabled vet)

I posted in the member introduction here:
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/761711-Hi-guys-really-fucked-up-and-need-some-serious-help

Thank you all

Tyler

 

[pinpoint]

Welcome to BL.

You seem quite verbose & coherent for someone suffering from the symptoms you discuss. You seem to be doing all the right things.. 3 years, no drugs, sober life, no Rx's.. I really am not sure what to suggest here. Perhaps I'd recommend some form of biofeedback therapy?

Best of luck & thank you for your service.

 

[brainfogboy]

I feel like I'm not connected with myself or my thoughts. I have very little feelings or emotions (other than anger and fear). I feel like I'm looking at myself from afar and not living my life, almost as if it's a dream world. I have to put forth tremendous mental effort to do anything, which includes typing this post. Some days are better than others. Today is a better day but I am still far from normal.

All enjoyment, pleasure, excitement, relaxation in life is gone. I am a shell of my former self. If I masturbate sometimes I crash for days, therefore any and all sexual activity is not acceptable. I awake from sleep without feeling refreshed whatsoever.

Thanks for the info. on biofeedback therapy. I will look into that.

 

[ABetterWay]

I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry for all of the hell you have been.through.

Adrenal fatigue sounds like it could be a possibility but you'd need a professional to truly figure it out.

Of course we here can GUESS, but that's it.

Are you having any other symptoms, even.if you haven't connected it as being part of this? Just, any other regular symptoms at all? Dizziness or anything?

Wishing you well. Read up on the neurotransmitters in.the brain. Something might "click" for you. But of course, do your research before you take any course of actipn.

Peace.

 

[jammin83]

It'd be nice if a mod merged some of the threads but anyhoo...

Sounds like your dopamine system is shot man. I can relate. I have multiple systems that are shot atm.

It might be a long shot and it is not without some substantial risks but maybe microdosing with iboga could be beneficial for you. I wouldn't attempt a flood but it has helped people with anhedonia and people that have had issues with anti-psychotics and other drugs that effect the dopamine system. It works on multiple systems and there does seem to be something going on with it that might be worth looking into. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

 

[Smoky]

Hi,
Welcome to Bluelight. So sorry you are in this place. I personally am still in a slowed kinda dream state from drugs and lots of trauma, coupled with depression (buried anxiety), that slows life down and feels like I'm kinda detached and looking through a lens at life sometimes backwards; although, probably not to the extent you have and you could be suffering from anything.

You outta first start with some blood work. Endocrine disorders or other medical problems can indeed contribute and effect metabolism and cognition. Perhaps rule that out first. Also, great advice above about neurotransmitters (and adrenal fatigue), as well as post acute withdrawal can bring on some of these symptoms, inclusive of brain fog numbness, and anxiety.

I used stims for a long time in my 20's. I had to start life over, write things down… I didn't know who I was or where I was when I landed in the hospital… It was like I became another person. Best of luck to you moving forward. Check with a professional to r/o other causes for sure.

 

[Morrisseyjunkie]

I feel your pain. I am in the same boat as you. Braindead zombie from gov't medicine. I sleep 12-16hrs a day. No appetite. No drive or ambition. The only thing that makes my time awake worth while is pot and video games. I wish I had an answer for you but you are not alone.

 

[brainfogboy]

Thank you for your help, much appreciated.

 

[brainfogboy]

Thank you all for responding. I've had tons of tests of all sorts: mris, ct scans, blood tests, etc. Everything comes back normal. I almost wish they'd find a tumor or something so they could tell me what the hell is going on. I can deal with the worst, I just need an answer. I'm ready to move forward but mentally can't, and my family seems to think this is all psychological (fuck them).

I was thinking about experimenting with psychedelics and/or ketamine. I've heard that they can 'reset' the brain in a sort of way. I know ketamine is used as a new treatment for clinical depression and bipolar. Would anyone recommend psychedelics to maybe try to kickstart my brain, get through some emotional shit, and get me back into reality?

Thanks again.

 

[Erikmen]

Welcome to BL.

You seem quite verbose & coherent for someone suffering from the symptoms you discuss. You seem to be doing all the right things.. 3 years, no drugs, sober life, no Rx's.. I really am not sure what to suggest here. Perhaps I'd recommend some form of biofeedback therapy?

Best of luck & thank you for your service.

Man, my hats off to you, all that and no drugs. You are doing it. It's harsh, but you somehow survived through all this shit being sober.

It's only natural you're feeling and courageously going through your problems. Keep it up.

 

[brainfogboy]

What pisses me off is that I have family members that are potheads, do all sorts of drugs and shit, and not one health problem. I have nothing against drugs, but these people are lazy and use drugs because they have shit else to do. Here I am trying to get right, trying to move on with life, trying to do something worthwhile and under doctor supervision for medication, and I get completely fucked. Just continues to reinforce my non-belief in god and justice in this world.

Anyway enough bitching, thanks for replying. I think I'm going to get get fucking drunk because fuck it.

Best of luck to you Smoky and Morrisseyjunkie, I hope you pull through this shit.

 

[brainfogboy]

Man, my hats off to you, all that and no drugs. You are doing it. It's harsh, but you somehow survived through all this shit being sober.

It's only natural you're feeling and courageously going through your problems. Keep it up.

Thanks man. I just wonder what the fuck is the point because if I was doing it all right (sober) then I should be on the path to recovery, but instead I'm still in this hell. As for verbose and coherent, I feel like I'm on autopilot. I can type and spew shit from my mouth, but when it comes time to watch a movie, read a book, or try to learn something new, I can't do it. Almost as if I can't form new memories, just retrieve and spit out old ones. I feel perpetually stuck when I'm trying to better myself, because I can't move forward. I feel like a reset button is continuously hit in my head that doesn't allow me to build myself (mentally, emotionally, and physically).

You think some sort of ayahuasca ceremony or something is worth a shot at this point? Maybe start me off at square one?

 

[Morrisseyjunkie]

You gotta do what you gotta do. To help make yourself feel better, even if it is for just a short while. I used to self medicate with Bourbon when I was going through my divorce. Cause I didn't give a fuck about anything. Lasted about six months every night all the time I was a Staff NCO so nobody bothered with me during the work day. Then it got to the point where I could not even function as a leader or a Corpsman to boot. Requested inpatient detox before I did something like a DUI or misconduct. I pulled through detox in the ICU. Now I only drink socially. But i'm also more or less anti-social so you could imagine how often I actually. Now it's just a case of beer a month. But all that rehab (staying sober for the rest of my life, I thought was bullshit).

 

[ABetterWay]

I'll try to make a better response later. I'm getting ready for work. Just wanted to say, about all these tests coming back normal...two things:

1. Research. Look at your results and look up the tests. I say this because many times, people within a "normal" range actually end up finding out they DID have a problem with xyz, even tjough their results came back within the normal range. So look up the tests they gave you, and see if this tends to be an issue with specific tests you've had.

2. Research some more. I say this because, for example, someone gets thyroid tests done, and they come back "normal"...because they.left out a crucial test! In other words, and I use the thyroid example bc this happens a lot with thyroid testing, they do a ton of thyroid tests but not the RIGHT test. I'll look it up later, but there's a spevific thyroid test that's not typically done, and it causes sufferers a hassle bc the rest of the thyroid tests say "normal".

Also, keep in mind that sometimes, there is debate over what exactly IS the "normal range". In ither words, one dr may go by older standards, and read your result as normal; a dr more up to date may deem it not normal.

So you are your best advocate.

Speaking of thyroid...have you had any thyroid tests btw?

I'll check back after work.

Hope your day goes well.

Peace.

 

[ABetterWay]

Checking back on ya

Hope you're well today. After working all day, then.cleaning house/errands/cooking dinner, I'm exhausted and falling asleep! Let me know if anything I posted above was useful and lmk if you have other questions.

I'll check back tomorrow

Be well.

Peace

 

[jammin83]

Thank you all for responding. I've had tons of tests of all sorts: mris, ct scans, blood tests, etc. Everything comes back normal. I almost wish they'd find a tumor or something so they could tell me what the hell is going on. I can deal with the worst, I just need an answer. I'm ready to move forward but mentally can't, and my family seems to think this is all psychological (fuck them).

I was thinking about experimenting with psychedelics and/or ketamine. I've heard that they can 'reset' the brain in a sort of way. I know ketamine is used as a new treatment for clinical depression and bipolar. Would anyone recommend psychedelics to maybe try to kickstart my brain, get through some emotional shit, and get me back into reality?

Thanks again.

Iboga is really your best bet for this type of thing. Ayahuasca has some resetting properties but it doesn't seem to do as good of a reset job as iboga. It's not as difficult to obtain as it might seem. Do your research! It takes a lot of thought and planning before you embark on that particular type of journey not something you rush into. You need an EKG and a liver panel before you try it. It's a no go if you have had heart problems.

For further reading:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/59366-The-Big-amp-Dandy-Ibogaine-Thread

eboka.info is a good resource as well.

 

[brainfogboy]

Hey guys, it's been a long time. Revived this post because I have an update on my condition:

I was diagnosed with "Autonomic Dysfunction with Vagal Neuropathy", along with "Gastric Dumping Syndrome", and "Reactive Hypoglycemia". Apparently the autonomic nervous system affects everything else in the body, so it would be safe to assume the nervous system disorder is affecting my gut and my blood sugar.

I've never had problems like this my entire life. Always very healthy my entire life. I'm almost positive the OD fried my system. 99% sure, since the doctor did extensive work-ups and can't find anything else that would cause it. Now I can't have any stimulants of any kind, not even sugar, because it send me into a panic attack. Feels like I'm constantly stuck on overdrive and I can't get out of it.

Drugs and treatment for this condition haven't helped. One thing I have noticed is that if I ejaculate (sex or masturbation) I crash for days, and sometimes get racing heart to the point where I need to go to the hospital because I feel as if something is very wrong (elevated heart rate for hours, 120bpm).

Just an FYI, be careful with whatever you put in your body. All it takes is one time and you can fuck yourself up for life. I wished I had never started amp, but then again if I hadn't I'd probably have committed suicide due to psych issues. Although, looking back, I wish I had killed myself, because life is currently unlivable and I am in a state of never-ending suffering.

Please be careful with yourselves. I'm never touching anything ever again. Maybe being drug free will cure me some day.

I've heard people ask what the meaning to life is. Well I'm hear to tell you it's health and a sound mind. What I would give to go back 3 years.

Regards,

Tyler

 

[Tanner Blaze]

Hey guys, it's been a long time. Revived this post because I have an update on my condition:

I was diagnosed with "Autonomic Dysfunction with Vagal Neuropathy", along with "Gastric Dumping Syndrome", and "Reactive Hypoglycemia". Apparently the autonomic nervous system affects everything else in the body, so it would be safe to assume the nervous system disorder is affecting my gut and my blood sugar.

I've never had problems like this my entire life. Always very healthy my entire life. I'm almost positive the OD fried my system. 99% sure, since the doctor did extensive work-ups and can't find anything else that would cause it. Now I can't have any stimulants of any kind, not even sugar, because it send me into a panic attack. Feels like I'm constantly stuck on overdrive and I can't get out of it.

Drugs and treatment for this condition haven't helped. One thing I have noticed is that if I ejaculate (sex or masturbation) I crash for days, and sometimes get racing heart to the point where I need to go to the hospital because I feel as if something is very wrong (elevated heart rate for hours, 120bpm).

Just an FYI, be careful with whatever you put in your body. All it takes is one time and you can fuck yourself up for life. I wished I had never started amp, but then again if I hadn't I'd probably have committed suicide due to psych issues. Although, looking back, I wish I had killed myself, because life is currently unlivable and I am in a state of never-ending suffering.

Please be careful with yourselves. I'm never touching anything ever again. Maybe being drug free will cure me some day.

I've heard people ask what the meaning to life is. Well I'm hear to tell you it's health and a sound mind. What I would give to go back 3 years.

Regards,

Tyler

Just curious, what kind of amps were they and how many mg's did you od?

 

[deadendgame]

Hey man. I know what you're going through. I took crystal meth once and my brain was all fucked up. My function returned in a matter of months and I was back to normal. I don't know what you can do because you're still stupid after 3 years. Goddam, how much did you take? I think it's permanent. If so, there is nothing you can do. You can't fix retarded. In that case, I suggest you check yourself back into the hospital unless your veterans and disability benefit is enough to front the rent. Go to the veterans home and say you got PTSD or some shit. They'll take care of you. I'm sorry there's not much I can do for you. You can message me anytime though. Best of luck man. For the tachycardia, I suggest you go to a cardiologist and take some beta blockers. Not much else you can do. You should've knew the consequences before you did the drug. Like I knew this shit was gonna happen to me, but I did it anyway because I liked it