Hi guys, I need to unload some shit

[junkieman412]

I apologize, this is a long post.
So I've posted here a few times. The last posts I was detoxed and and heading to a recovery house. Jesus christ things have fallen apart. I was overworked, but had a sponsor and was going to the meetings i was required to do. I started on my first step again, i was very overworked at the time, no excuse for my decision im about to go into. The day i worked my first step with my sponsor I ended up, almost like i was unconsciously being dragged to my dealers. I don't know what i was thinking. I copped and got high.
I was kicked out of the house. After much debate and her really being against it I talked her into letting me move back in with my girlfriend. She gave me ultimatums to go to meetings and not get high obviously. I was locked back into the motherfucking cycle though, and did none of that.
She never saw any type of hard drugs. She ended up finding needles in the house, and even then she let me stay. It got to be too much though and she kicked me out. God bless that girl. She was madly in love with me, she's 34, her clock is ticking and she wanted to have a child with me. She bought and gave me anything i could ever want, everything. So I ended up basically on the streets. I went back to her house to grab my stuff one night, high as fuck on dope and klons. I said the most ignorant shit to her, in the hallway of the apartment building for which she is a leasing manager for that building. I went off screaming things that I am so ashamed to think about or even mention. It brings tears to my eyes. I am such a kind hearted soul, when im clean. God it hurts. She loved me so much.
So I ended up moving into the only place who took me. My dopemans house. I lived under deplorable, degrading and disgusting conditions. I lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks, I would do a bundle a day and not eat for days. All the while working 10 hours a day in the sun.
After hitting a bottom i never thought i would hit i was able to get into a rehab facility. I have very little money and low wages on the books. They took me in and gave me county funding. This was last wednesday. After detoxing with a little suboxone, which my last dose ended 2 days ago so im not even really detoxed with the half life of subs I was called to the directors office. He told me that i didnt have enough proof that i am a residence of this county. I had a check stub showing an address and that i payh taxes in the county i live in. I had court papers, papers from the assistance office. But they needed a fucking utility bill, im indigent for christs sake. I don't have any bills in my name.
He informed me that i would be discharged today. So I ended up with the same choice, move back in with my dude or sleep on the streets. I took all my clothes with me and was supposed to move to NC when i got out of rehab. I had to stay there for a couple weeks as my new roommate down there isn't able to sign the lease for another week, he isn't in that city and won't be for a minute... I have no friends apart from him. I have burned all my bridges and my family are barely there for me. I owe them all money and have stayed with them several times, when i got out of jail, rehabs, before going into rehabs and what not.
I feel like such a piece of shit. I have so many talents, im intelligent, and i have thrown my life away.
I have my job still my boss was understanding and said as long as im clean i can come back to work.
I used today. I won't stay clean i know it because im living with my dealer. Last week i was almost arrested, shot, and fucking riding around with him with several bricks in the car and im on probation.
Im lost, I don't know what will happen, i feel so hopeless. I mean I have been to rehab 5 times, recovery houses, and i fuck it all up. WHY CANT I JUST GET IT?

Again i apologize for the long post but if you read it, and would like to respond, help me out, give some support i don't know whatever i appreciate it.
Soon i will be out of control and suicidal. I'm scared, im broken and my soul and heart is being ripped apart. Pray for me please.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

I think you ask a good question that needs to be resolved before you get clean. Why can't you get it right. What underlying problem causes you to use. Don't look at the bad results of using drugs (I lost weight, I lost my job, I lost my girlfriend) look at the reason why you use in the first place, is it to numb, to feel emotion to not feel emotion, to make friends, to make you feel better.

BLABLA.. anyway there is something missing in your life that you feel you need drugs, work on that maybe first? See a doctor psy talk therapy

Doing the same thing over and over isn't going to help so try something new

 

[junkieman412]

I think you ask a good question that needs to be resolved before you get clean. Why can't you get it right. What underlying problem causes you to use. Don't look at the bad results of using drugs (I lost weight, I lost my job, I lost my girlfriend) look at the reason why you use in the first place, is it to numb, to feel emotion to not feel emotion, to make friends, to make you feel better.

BLABLA.. anyway there is something missing in your life that you feel you need drugs, work on that maybe first? See a doctor psy talk therapy

Doing the same thing over and over isn't going to help so try something new

Everyone in my life have been suggesting therapy. I have some very deep seeded greif issues. I am bipolar. My father is an alcoholic, he was there physically but when it came down to it a lot of times. Not emotionally and mentally. He has never learned to show love, it wasn't expressed in his household nor to ours to me or my sister.
My grandparents lost their first child on christmas eve. For this reason my grandparents never really celebrated christmas or birthdays. Very weird shit.
Whenever we used to go on vacations or holidays my dad would be an asshole, drink the whole time and give us the silent treatment. He would turn all the lights and tvs in the house off and not let us turn them on.
His birthday was 2 days ago. He got drunk and broke my moms candlestick holder. She hasn't talked to him since, doesn't plan on talking to him and is desperate and trying to divorce and leave him.
I have had a serious poly drug use habit simce I was 14 or so.
I used to escape, I used to numb myself, to cover up mu depression and greif issues. Thank you for the reply like I said I have no friends left. I'm too ashamed to reach out to them, especially those in the program even knowing they would welcome me back with open arms. I may end up killing myself. I feel so useless. A waste of space and a waste of air.

 

[Cornishman]

Don't feel ashamed of yourself & don't dwell on the past.

You need to let some good into your life.

You sound capable and you know you're a kind hearted person.

 

[junkieman412]

Don't feel ashamed of yourself & don't dwell on the past.

You need to let some good into your life.

You sound capable and you know you're a kind hearted person.

Why thank you sir and you are right. I'm 29 and I can't blame anyone else on my addiction but me. I can't live in the past. Another quality of my father is he let's shit build and build and build until he explodes. All those emotions he keeps bottled up. I do the same thing and that's another reason I need therapy.
I'm hurting guys. I'm lost and I'm in a very dangerous sitation where I'm living.

 

[Gannicus]

Sounds like you could benefit from moving to another country where your demons don't follow. Move to the middle east. I got a friend who had the same issue and he moved out there and joined the military. His life completely turned around.

 

[T. Calderone]

You seem like a reasonable person so don't let your dad's behavior set the pace. Try to mend fences best you can and I know it hurts. My dad passed in 2008 and my mother just last January. When they are gone what will happen? I'm still crying and wish I could change things but I can't.

 

[junkieman412]

You seem like a reasonable person so don't let your dad's behavior set the pace. Try to mend fences best you can and I know it hurts. My dad passed in 2008 and my mother just last January. When they are gone what will happen? I'm still crying and wish I could change things but I can't.

To gannicus: I'm moving from the N. East US to the south soon. I lived down there in NC for years and had a great time. I'm actually moving down there to be with my best friend and help him as he had his leg amputated.
To calderone: I love my father even though he has put me and my family through a lot. He feels very guilty for the way I turned out. I'm sure he drinks because of that guilt the same way I use for my guilt and shame. We talk when he's not drunk sometimes. But he's losing it. He has wet brain and is regressing to the mantality of a child.
When my mother passes I will be devestated. She is everything to me man. I love and respect her tremendously. She is such a strong woman. She raised me and my sister, worked, and went to college and graduated magna cum laude I think its called. I've put her through so much man that gives me such guilt too. Arrests, overdoses, accidents, u guys know.
Is there anyone else that may like to share their experiences with depression, guilt, grief, or growing up in an alcoholic household? I'm just looking for some similar experiences to possibly draw strength from. TDS really is a wonderful place that helps me even just lurking but I had to post this shit I've been going through.

 

[herbavore]

I hope that you get responses from other people that have grown up in alcoholic households, but in the meantime maybe you could look for a group that has that as a focus. I remember that I was going to an al-anon group for a while that was for parents only and there was another one that was for people that grew up with alcoholic parents. Growing up with a Dad that was emotionally abusive can have a huge toll on his kids lives. The truth is that you are faced with overcoming that legacy on your own now. We all have to work with what we came from but it doesn't have to define us.

I think that you need to give yourself other options besides crashing with your dealer. Even the worst homeless shelter is better than that. Hell, a sleeping bag and a field is better. It seems to me that you need to get fierce about your recovery. You know you want it, you just don't think you can do it. You can do it. You have the ability to really change your life when you go to NC so don't fool yourself that you can just use and wait to stop using until you can leave. Start now! Open up to the people at AA/NA. You are not the only person to have hit such a bottom and that is where your support can come from. Shame at where you are shouldn't hold you there for good; use it to propel you forward. You sound like a person that can be very honest with yourself. That is a really strong character trait and it will carry you through this if you stay true to it.

I really hope something opens up for you soon.

 

[junkieman412]

Thank you, I will take all of your suggestions into acccount I may have a place to stay this weekemd and possibly a lot longer. With someone who is sober. Herbavore I value your wisdom and insight. I love hearing your opinions and I can tell how you genuinly care.
Thank you so very
much you give me hope

 

[bolinas]

Therapy? Start with moving out.

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

sounds kind of like my story bro. I have been to 8 rehabs, after getting kicked out of my seventh i ended up homeless on skid row "downtown LA". Skid row is not a place for a 24 year old white junkie. Hell on earth. the things i saw down there still haunt me. It was a very powerful and disturbing experience. I had to steal lotions from rite aids and CVS and resell them to mexicans for 5 dollars a bottle. Sleeping in parking garages and stairwells. I was a hopeless dope fiend. 114 pounds, showered every two weeks. Abceces. i was a zombie.
I contracted Hep-c. Lost alot of respect from alot of people in my life. I have done things that will get me put in prison for a long time if i was caught. Then i went to my eitght rehab at the salvation army is Riverside,CA. i was there for four months. Then got kicked out for drinking. Homeless again. I said fuck this. Called an old family friend who offered me help before. Now i live with him in hollywood. He introduced me into scientology. Which seriously turned my life around. People say they brain wash you. Well my fucking brained needed a fucking wash, thats for sure. I have six months clean now. Sometimes i feel like i want to get high. then i just think about all the bad times i had. Now im a dopeless hope fiend. sure things are boring sometimes. but being bored is natural. Usually i just watch porn when im bored (another thing i need to work on (; ) I havent smoked a ciggarete in a month. time is on my side, its on all of ours.

 

[junkieman412]

Therapy? Start with moving out.

I wish it were that simple. I have no money saved up and nowhere to go. Motels aren't cheap. Would it be physically and mentally healthier/safer to be on the streets or in a shelter? I dunno,
We are working across from a saovation army I talked to one of the guys outside and am going ro call them.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

There are free rehabs, we have them here in CA at least. You put your name on a list and call every day and beg them to take you. The state pays for them to take people who have nothing, they help you get SSI, or Medical, or whatever it is that you can get , help you get unemployment but they will take you and give you a place to live for 3months, and get your life back together and all they ask is you don't drink or do drugs. We have free detoxes to. Mind you there not the best place int he world, but what you got to look at is where will you life be in a year, Sure you got a place to live now, but if your doing drugs, in a matter of a year or two years your going to be on the streets anyway because you know you can't keep it up at the rate your going. So do you want to hit rock bottom now on your own terms or in a year when your even worse off then your now, when your body and mind are broke and you are to weak to survive. So I say do it now.

 

[stardust.hero]

suckness, great post that's very good information.

 

[junkieman412]

There are free rehabs, we have them here in CA at least. You put your name on a list and call every day and beg them to take you. The state pays for them to take people who have nothing, they help you get SSI, or Medical, or whatever it is that you can get , help you get unemployment but they will take you and give you a place to live for 3months, and get your life back together and all they ask is you don't drink or do drugs. We have free detoxes to. Mind you there not the best place int he world, but what you got to look at is where will you life be in a year, Sure you got a place to live now, but if your doing drugs, in a matter of a year or two years your going to be on the streets anyway because you know you can't keep it up at the rate your going. So do you want to hit rock bottom now on your own terms or in a year when your even worse off then your now, when your body and mind are broke and you are to weak to survive. So I say do it now.

That's the problem, I just went to a rehab where they applied for medicaid for me but they said I didn't have enough proof that I'm a residence of my county. I had court papers and a pay stub and official mail from the assistance office. So they didn't even have me detoxed from the subs before they discharged me. Here I am back at square one... this is all mentioned in my first post its long yeah but its part of the reason I'm so just lost right now.
I was trying to get a ride to the same rehab but couldn't and a week later my medicaid ran out. Yet they still said I needed a fucking utility bill over all the other official proof of residence I had.

My only other option is go into the psych ward again. It may be necessary because I am within days of killing myself. I'm so fucking tired, exhausted. Not the kind of I need a nap tired too, y'all know what I mean. I'm ready to move on. I'm planning it out, I'm ready, and I think I'm about to do it

 

[junkieman412]

I seriously wonder what the fucking point is. God show me ur out there please

 

[herbavore]

Hey, bud. You need to go wherever you need to go to stay safe and to just buy some time. I think the god that is out there is out there in nature and inside you at your very core, but when you are in so much pain you cannot feel it. You are so vulnerable right now that I worry that you will give up. Your will is telling you to stay and you need to listen to that. You are as much god as anything so just get yourself to a safe place and ask for help. I will be thinking of you as I go through my day today. You really deserve a rest.

 

[lilmizer]

i would rehab it up. sounds like you're in nj/nyc/philly area. if you cant rehab it up, check into the psychward. st. michael's in newark gives you delicious benzos and subz.

 

[junkieman412]

i would rehab it up. sounds like you're in nj/nyc/philly area. if you cant rehab it up, check into the psychward. st. michael's in newark gives you delicious benzos and subz.

I'm in pittsburgh. I really don't want to go back to the psych ward. I know what everyone who reads this is thinking if u need it go dummy, and ur right but damn man I hate that place. I'm just, just fucking lost. And I've lost everything. Been addicted to opiates since I was 14 or 15. My life is so fucking insane. I've had run in with the cops, been drugged, beaten and robbed, I live in straight insanity. I'm ready to die.
And thank you herbavore.