Ohai...
I used to be here a VERY long time ago (different screen name, malora something or other) - I used to post a LOT about meth and when I was first getting clean. As it stands, I've been clean, let's see...since August 2004 (from Meth) so going on what, 9 years now? Wow, that's a long time. I still have the drug dreams from time to time.
As a result of the heavy meth use, my poor lil brain wires got crossed and I am officially crazy (oh yes, documentation, 2x hospitalization and about five different daily meds to show for it.) Just because you get away with all your teeth and your looks (I got REAL lucky) doesn't mean your insides aren't jacked up to hell.
I can't drink due to my current load of meds, and since my job drug tests, no pot for poor ol' Shogun, but I got plenty of benzos, which, don't really do a whole lot for me but calm the rages and cool the MASSIVE anxiety when I drop into zero-crash-thirty. (That's Bipolar II talk for the fun crash that happens right after a slight manic. It sucks.) I actually don't *like* xanax (I know, someone get the nails and the crown of thorns *laughs*) but it seems to be the only thing that helps the horrific GAD that skips along hand in hand with the BPII/BPD/PTSD, yada yada yada. Who am I kidding. If any of you are old enough to remember the movie "High Anxiety"? That's me. One. Big. Stressball.
Hello, Shogun's Little Helpers. So I guess that's why I'm here - to find out WHICH of my delightful drugs I can mix (so to speak) without pulling a full on Heath Ledger, because I mean to tell you when you brain decides it doesn't want to shut up for the night or you've just had a fight with the Man and you feel like blowing your head off and you've got the bottle of pills in your hand, it's a scary thing...not like you really want to DIE, you just want to calm the hell down, FAST, BUT, you don't want to DIE in the process. Savvy?
I reckon most of you can relate.
I won't lie. As much as meth DAMNNEAR ruined my life, I will admit there are times I miss it. Being on the depressive side of BPII, it was nice to have something that takes you out of your own head for awhile (and makes you feel like you can RULE THE WORLD AT THAT, but it is NOT worth the consequences. AT. ALL. The lost money. The shady behavior. I never did anything REALLY shady and thank GOD I never got popped, but I know plenty of people that have.
Used to smoke pot ... until pot became scary. 20 years ago pot is NOT pot today. Pot today will send you to the ER if you not careful, or at least make you THINK you need to go, 'cause you TOO high.
I drank on and off my meds until about...2011...stayed sober for a WHOLE year then blew it...binged...continued to drink...and quit again for good Sept. of 2012. Good for me (meh). What I wouldn't do for a Charlie Harper glass of bourbon by my side right now. However, due to my current load of meds, if I drink, as it's leaving my system my brain thinks, hey! Let's kill ourselves! *rolls eyes*. Fab, huh?? Talk about no way out.
I worry about getting TOO dependent on (prescription, thank you) xanax (ativan makes me rage and Klonopin is, well, awful) but I cannot live my life in a constant state of WHAZZAT?! WHODAT?! Talk about behaviors left over from the drug days. I can't even drive by a police car without muttering to myself, "Hello, Mr. Five-oh, yes, my license is valid, no, I'm not doing anything wrong...okay you go on now and have a nice day, bye-bye."
Or GOD forbid I get one behind me. Jesus Rollerblading Christ.
(No, I swear I'm not high right now. I'm actually coming off a huge fight with the man, and have a crapload of sedatives in my system. I don't think they are working, currently.)
Anyway now that I've bored you all to tears and probably have given WAY too much information, off I go to visit with the psych med forums.
Thank you for letting me share,
Shogun
I used to be here a VERY long time ago (different screen name, malora something or other) - I used to post a LOT about meth and when I was first getting clean. As it stands, I've been clean, let's see...since August 2004 (from Meth) so going on what, 9 years now? Wow, that's a long time. I still have the drug dreams from time to time.
As a result of the heavy meth use, my poor lil brain wires got crossed and I am officially crazy (oh yes, documentation, 2x hospitalization and about five different daily meds to show for it.) Just because you get away with all your teeth and your looks (I got REAL lucky) doesn't mean your insides aren't jacked up to hell.
I can't drink due to my current load of meds, and since my job drug tests, no pot for poor ol' Shogun, but I got plenty of benzos, which, don't really do a whole lot for me but calm the rages and cool the MASSIVE anxiety when I drop into zero-crash-thirty. (That's Bipolar II talk for the fun crash that happens right after a slight manic. It sucks.) I actually don't *like* xanax (I know, someone get the nails and the crown of thorns *laughs*) but it seems to be the only thing that helps the horrific GAD that skips along hand in hand with the BPII/BPD/PTSD, yada yada yada. Who am I kidding. If any of you are old enough to remember the movie "High Anxiety"? That's me. One. Big. Stressball.
Hello, Shogun's Little Helpers. So I guess that's why I'm here - to find out WHICH of my delightful drugs I can mix (so to speak) without pulling a full on Heath Ledger, because I mean to tell you when you brain decides it doesn't want to shut up for the night or you've just had a fight with the Man and you feel like blowing your head off and you've got the bottle of pills in your hand, it's a scary thing...not like you really want to DIE, you just want to calm the hell down, FAST, BUT, you don't want to DIE in the process. Savvy?
I reckon most of you can relate.
I won't lie. As much as meth DAMNNEAR ruined my life, I will admit there are times I miss it. Being on the depressive side of BPII, it was nice to have something that takes you out of your own head for awhile (and makes you feel like you can RULE THE WORLD AT THAT, but it is NOT worth the consequences. AT. ALL. The lost money. The shady behavior. I never did anything REALLY shady and thank GOD I never got popped, but I know plenty of people that have.
Used to smoke pot ... until pot became scary. 20 years ago pot is NOT pot today. Pot today will send you to the ER if you not careful, or at least make you THINK you need to go, 'cause you TOO high.
I drank on and off my meds until about...2011...stayed sober for a WHOLE year then blew it...binged...continued to drink...and quit again for good Sept. of 2012. Good for me (meh). What I wouldn't do for a Charlie Harper glass of bourbon by my side right now. However, due to my current load of meds, if I drink, as it's leaving my system my brain thinks, hey! Let's kill ourselves! *rolls eyes*. Fab, huh?? Talk about no way out.
I worry about getting TOO dependent on (prescription, thank you) xanax (ativan makes me rage and Klonopin is, well, awful) but I cannot live my life in a constant state of WHAZZAT?! WHODAT?! Talk about behaviors left over from the drug days. I can't even drive by a police car without muttering to myself, "Hello, Mr. Five-oh, yes, my license is valid, no, I'm not doing anything wrong...okay you go on now and have a nice day, bye-bye."
Or GOD forbid I get one behind me. Jesus Rollerblading Christ.
(No, I swear I'm not high right now. I'm actually coming off a huge fight with the man, and have a crapload of sedatives in my system. I don't think they are working, currently.)
Anyway now that I've bored you all to tears and probably have given WAY too much information, off I go to visit with the psych med forums.
Thank you for letting me share,
Shogun
