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Hi! First post, but longtime BL cruiser!

dognasher

dognasher

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 27, 2013
Messages
214
Location
Denver, Colorado
Hi there! I am a little bit nervous actually posting here, I am new and have long relied on BL for advice and words of wisdom.

I have long been a casual user of alcohol, sometimes pot, had a few bouts with cocaine, but never really had a huge problem until a couple years after my child was born...I had a difficult birth which ended up throwing me into a severe post natal depression, and ended up being prescribed benzos... FOR FOUR YEARS. (Don't get me started on that)

After an expensive in-patient detox I finally was able to quit them, and although they never really did much for me, the physical dependance alone was enough to create some sustained physical and mental agony, something I never want to go through again. It was just awful.

Stupidly, I turned to pills and then started plugging and shooting H. This was triggered by some serious life changes: I quit a job that I had for ten years in order to freelance, and then started my own business. I have been an on and off user for the last year or two. Recently things have gotten hairy, where I have only taken a week or so off of my use over the last few months. So yeah, the monkey has jumped on my back. I am sick of spending money that should be going to my kid, I have a really healthy and wonderful relationship with a sane person who is my biggest supporter (and who only smokes pot, nothing else), I own my home and just have started a business that I love. So I am wondering....why? Why the hell am I complicating my life for a moment of pleasure where the worries disappear for a minute, only to be compounded later? For a while it helped me deal with residual anxiety from the benzo withdrawal, but obvs it has just put me in a bad place again.

So tomorrow - I am going CT. This is the first time I have realized how much I am in denial and how serious this is, and how much worse it can get. I don't want to find out what's waiting for me at the bottom. I have already crossed so many lines that I am really wondering about my moral compass.

I am hoping that since I have to run my business while I am going through this, it should help me see how awful WD is and I hope to remember it. I have detoxed a few times, and while I am sure it is nothing like full blown WDs, it has given me healthy respect for this class of drugs, and I want to enjoy all that I have to look forward to, instead of playing this expensive hustle that is, quite honestly, going to end with me being broke, alone and strung out.

I am scared to death, but in a weird way relieved, because I am so over this....I am so sad that I basically am taking food from my child's mouth and breaching the trust of my family by doing this. It breaks my heart. And I know it would break theirs. So it's time to stop.

I decided to come here for some support, because I really don't have anybody to talk to about this. Fortunately my world is not full of people who use, just the opposite. So I am lucky that I don't have to change the people I am around, I have to change myself and dig this dirty secret out of me, and purge it for good.

I used to be an avid runner and snowboarder, and I am hoping I can get back into those things once I get healthy.

Sorry this is so long, it feels good to get it out there. I am really scared but I am filled with hope, and optimism, and I hope I can find comfort here during this time where I am emotionally raw and in WDs. Thank you for reading, and I hope I haven't broken any rules!:)

-dognasher

Whoops quick edit! I actually did post on here once or twice a long time ago, but I forgot about it, thanks again to anybody who reads this. I appreciate it!
 
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Hi,

Welcome to BL!
Sometimes fear breaks that denial you mention and propels us to do the most miraculous things to take care of ourselves before we lose everything. You are indeed in the right place.
Congratulations on making a decision that although difficult in process, could eventually turn your life around for the better.
Please let me know if I can be of any help or support navigating the site or otherwise. You might be interested in Sober Living or The Opioid Withdrawal Megathread and FAQ. We are here to help! :)

Best,
Smoky
 
Welcome to BL :) I'm sure it wasn't exactly easy putting all that down, thank you for sharing that with all of us. I have no doubt that you will find what you need here. Words cannot express how grateful I am for the wealth of knowledge and support I have found here at BL. I think you are in the right place to move forward with the decision you have made. Good luck with your CT and if you need anything you can PM me anytime. See you around the forums!
 
Thank you for the kind words everybody! I was really worried about posting but it feels good to just have it....out. I'm starting to withdraw, but it's not too bad yet. I am really weepy and uncomfortable and I have the awful anxiety/skin on fire thing...but I just want it to be DONE so I can begin to really heal after the physical stuff. I know I can do it, it's the lack of sleep and the raw emotions that are really difficult. I feel really guilty too, which is hard. I put my kid to bed tonight and just collapsed in the bathroom, weeping, because she is so innocent and really the person who will suffer the most. I need to feel these things though, I guess. They've been tamped down for a while. I digress. If any you have some inspiration for me during this difficult time, I'd be so grateful. Thank you again!
 
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dognasher said:
Thank you for the kind words everybody! I was really worried about posting but it feels good to just have it....out. I'm starting to withdraw, but it's not too bad yet. I am really weepy and uncomfortable and I have the awful anxiety/skin on fire thing...but I just want it to be DONE so I can begin to really heal after the physical stuff. I know I can do it, it's the lack of sleep and the raw emotions that are really difficult. I feel really guilty too, which is hard. I put my kid to bed tonight and just collapsed in the bathroom, weeping, because she is so innocent and really the person who will suffer the most. I need to feel these things though, I guess. They've been tamped down for a while. I digress. If any you have some inspiration for me during this difficult time, I'd be so grateful. Thank you again!
Click to expand...

Greetings from The Dark Side! :) Welcome to Bluelight.
I find that The Recovery Support boards help me a lot through this time of great battle.

I do agree that the hardest part isn't the physical wd's but the emotional, mental agony, and insomnia that just drains you.
I wish you the best in your recovery.

Guilt is normal, but try not to get too engulfed in it because those emotions can lead to wanting to use. Using to hide the emotions. and its a vicious cycle. You do need to feel your emotions, but not necessarily in such a negative light. I know it's MUCH easier said than done, but with positive thinking comes positive events in one's life! :)
 
for me the acute w/d's from Opiates &/or benzo use was the least of my worries. Actually after many years I kinda welcomed it because it would give me a kinda "real" look at life. Also I could feel emotions again during the kick, which was kind of a high on its own.

...then comes PAWS, the hard part for me. No feeling of anything, then minutes later feeling everything, then back again. Weeks of not being able to get off the couch, then waking up in a manic state. Then all over again. Actually I'm still dealing w/ them going on 7 months later after a decade of previous methadone use.

For me to stay clean I had to get involved w/ what I believe to be a cause greater than myself.

welcome
 
Papaverium said:
Greetings from The Dark Side! :) Welcome to Bluelight.
I find that The Recovery Support boards help me a lot through this time of great battle.
Click to expand...
I second this. You will find a lot of people there who can empathize with your situation and a good handful of folks who will offer you honest support and encouragement with a sort of bitter-sweet positivity. You could start a new thread in The Dark Side (or ask to have this one moved there... one of the mods could probably accommodate that ;)) for further support with your detox/sobriety.

Keep your eye on the prize and try to remember your motivations for doing this. Using bluelight to record a play-by-play of your experience might help you stay focused and keep you accountable. I am trying to work through my own demons with heroin addiction (39 days off of the needle, still leaning on a steady suboxone taper) and I think I would feel completely alone in my recovery if it weren't for bluelight.

If you're new to detoxing from heroin, there are is a laundry list of OTC meds and supplements that may help you to feel more comfortable. This is a popular place to gather info/discuss comfort meds:

Your Personal Opiate Withdrawal Arsenal

If you like I'll share mine with you as well.

Anyhow, this process is always tough, but having some good people behind you can make it a lot easier. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the amount of support you'll receive from the Recovery Support boards here, and I'll be keeping an eye on your thread if you need anything in particular. In the event that you'd like to hear what's helped me in the past just ask. Otherwise, keep us posted. Good luck.
 
Thank you! Right now I am about 28 hours in and I am ok....I've got the prickly skin, laziness, anxiety, and NO motivation.

I really hate kratom (makes me dizzy!), but I'm using a bit to get through the days. That and clonidine. God knows how I will feel when I have to go to work, but I'm just trying to really take it easy today and enjoy any time off I have to stay in bed for a little bit.

Not looking forward to hitting the reality of tomorrow but I need to power through. I wonder if keeping busy will help too-even though getting motivated is hard. I just keep thinking about how broke I am, and how much money I could save per month. Plus no guilt from using. Being free of this sounds like paradise.

Also I have a gift certificate to get a pedicure that I'm going to let myself use once I feel better later in the week. That's sort of keeping me going!

Thanks again ya'll-I'll keep you posted as I go through the abyss.
 
dognasher said:
I feel really guilty too, which is hard. I put my kid to bed tonight and just collapsed in the bathroom, weeping, because she is so innocent and really the person who will suffer the most.
Click to expand...

You're doing the right thing by getting clean, and trust me, your daughter will suffer more watching you struggle with addiction her whole life, moreso than watching you go through acute withdrawal now. :)

Just be there for her, do what you always do, just take your time, don't rush things, and she'll be patient.

It always warms my heart when I hear from parents who are getting clean, it shows that you have a big heart :)
 
dognasher said:
Thank you! Right now I am about 28 hours in and I am ok....I've got the prickly skin, laziness, anxiety, and NO motivation.

I really hate kratom (makes me dizzy!), but I'm using a bit to get through the days. That and clonidine. God knows how I will feel when I have to go to work, but I'm just trying to really take it easy today and enjoy any time off I have to stay in bed for a little bit.

Not looking forward to hitting the reality of tomorrow but I need to power through. I wonder if keeping busy will help too-even though getting motivated is hard. I just keep thinking about how broke I am, and how much money I could save per month. Plus no guilt from using. Being free of this sounds like paradise.
Click to expand...
Sounds like the kratom and clonidine are staving off the worst of the symptoms. That's great! RLS and insomnia are the two symptoms of withdrawal that always drive me off the deep end. I've noticed that clonidine gives me vertigo if I don't get the dose just right... I'm not sure if that's common.

I think keeping busy is the best thing you can do for yourself. Once you manage to get the motivation to start moving, try and keep the momentum and never look back. Meticulous scheduling and exercise can help you fill up your day so you're not sitting around dwelling on your addiction. Plus, getting some things done will bring you a feeling of contentment and reduce your anxiety, and when you're worn out by the end of the day you'll sleep better which is a huge perk when you're quitting opiates.

Anyhow, glad to hear it's going well so far. Keep truckin'
 
Thank you so much-my daughter is a HUGE reason for me to keep on keepin on. One of my best friends mother died of a fentanyl OD after a lifetime of painkiller abuse, and it was terrible. I've never forgotten that.

Yes, the insomnia and rls KILL ME. And the gnarly skin on fire thing..

And I fall on my face if I get up too fast while taking clonidine! But I guess it's better than the alternative..I know kratom can be sketchy what with the cross addiction and all but it just totally grosses me out, not too mention I would have to take like forty pills to even feel anything since my tolerance was sorta high. But I am still being cautious. Ugh! You'd think I woulda learned by now!
 
Today is day two-I just laid around on my ass all day yesterday and today I need to get to work and get my kid to school. Motivation is hard but the kratom is holding me and I'll start to taper off that tomorrow.

The irritability is off the chain right now. I am wondering how bad it's gonna get but there's no use in predicting. Any of you guys had to do this with kids at home? And spouses? I feel like such a curmudgeon. And I have no motivation.

But I guess being at work and being at fifty percent is better than nothing. I own my own business so at least nobody is telling me what to do. It's funny how we go to work with all sorts of colds and flu's, feeling awful, but when it comes to a a bit of withdrawal we come up with every rationalization in the world as to why we can't function.

Because really, it's about as bad as having a really really really bad flu. But because we know that there's something around the corner that will make us feel better it's 1000 times worse.
 
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Yes, because there is something around the corner it's worth it. That's what helped me through it… Staying positive regardless of how I felt. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hang in there!
Congrats on day 2!
 
Alllll right, day three. I'm sweating like a fucking pig and I'm edgy but it's a slow day at work so I can make it until I can get home...God. This is the last time I have this in me. I can't do the depression/anxiety part again.

I do NOT want to spend the summer with a needle in my arm or an infant syringe in my ass [sorry, TMI!] I gotta laugh about that part though. I just want the freedom of not having shit to hide from a anybody, there's so much to look froward to if I can just make it.
 
Congratulations on Day 3. How are you dong now?

I said the same thing, " No More - last time, I don't have another withdrawal in me." I don't. I completely understand and was in a similar place as you last year. You 'are' doing this - keep it up stay distracted when thoughts arise of using to take the pain away. I did my best during the time to not let any of the irrational thoughts I was having deter my detox. My thoughts were very dark, but they were only temporary… and have been lifted mostly now.

There is a freedom indeed from active opiate use and you are on your way. Hang in there, Smoky :)
 
Today is day four, or should I say the end of day four as the day is almost done. This morning I had like, no motivation, but I made it through today feeling better than I have in the last few days, I had to deal with a few pretty bad triggers as I was running errands around town, as I have money in my pocket. But I resisted! I think tomorrow I will be out of the woods physically, and my mood has improved. Just really need to remember how awful it is to kick, the emotions, the lost days, if I added all those days up, God knows how much time has passed over the last two years.
 
Yes - Congrats! You got this, you are almost over the worst physical part… !

I remember day 5 I could actually eat and day 6,7 I was starving. I hadn't had an appetite in a few years really, not much anyways.
It felt great, like a new person homeostasis was on its way

Godspeed! <3
 
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