QeQ
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2013
- Messages
- 7
Hi everyone this is my first thread, QeQ doesn't really mean anything it's just random, feel welcome to just call me David 
Not really sure if The Dark Side is the right forum to be posting this but my gut felt right about it. The reason I'm posting is because I feel pretty lonely in the problems I'm going through, I don't talk to anyone about them and this is partly because I'm sometimes not very good at expressing myself. In fact it's backfired for me a few times, namely the last two relationships I was in. I think because of this I conceal myself even more now, I have friends and people that I can talk to if I need them but I feel like locked up inside and I can't properly explain myself. When I try I just come across as really fucking weird and confusing and I just feel like a misunderstood dick head.
I'm 20, I study performing arts and dance at a University in the UK, I'm in good shape and I've played football all my life. Since I can remember I have had what I perceive as pretty bad chronic anxiety, the psychiatrist that I had for a while said I had GAD. I'd like to describe it as severe but since I do live a pretty normal live and I don't let it stop me from functioning daily I don't think it's fair to say that it is severe. I used to be a Christian but now I am agnostic, I don't think there is a god but I accept the idea that I will never know so I hold the believe that I can be very wrong. I did MDMA crystals the first time back in July this summer in Brighton, since then I've done a fair amount of MDMA, weed and nitrous and I've tried cocaine once. Since I tried MDMA for the first time I immediately took an interest in drugs, more so from a fascination point of view. That's how I first found Bluelight, because I wanted to learn about MDMA and how it worked. I don't take the best safety measures and I have done more MDMA than I should have but I feel pretty okay in terms of drugs, I don't think I'm dependant as I feel I can take it or leave it.
The last few months I've really tried to turn my life around positively and not let my anxiety hold me back. All my life it is weakened, enclosed me, it has taken my confidence and my well-being and happiness, I am always worrying, it disconnects me from the world around me and I never feel like I'm in touch with what's going on around me. I struggle to listen, I stuggle to focus, I struggle to stop thinking and anxiety is always irrational and overwhelmingly powerful and energy consuming. I do live a normal life and you could say I'm doing well since I'm at Uni but I know that it holds me back to a massive extent. I won't give up, I want to live a happy and full life and I am willing to give blood sweat and tears for it but I will be honest that I am terrified, I'm tired, I don't feel like I have a voice.
I'm really sorry about how long this thread is, I feel a little self indulgent and I do apologise if it is. It feels like I have barely scraped the surface however, there is so much I want to say and talk but I can't seem to do it very well. I've been reading these forums for a good 5 months now and it's scary to finally post but this is me trying to do open myself up and talk to people and listen to what others have to say. It will be nice to relate to people
Not really sure if The Dark Side is the right forum to be posting this but my gut felt right about it. The reason I'm posting is because I feel pretty lonely in the problems I'm going through, I don't talk to anyone about them and this is partly because I'm sometimes not very good at expressing myself. In fact it's backfired for me a few times, namely the last two relationships I was in. I think because of this I conceal myself even more now, I have friends and people that I can talk to if I need them but I feel like locked up inside and I can't properly explain myself. When I try I just come across as really fucking weird and confusing and I just feel like a misunderstood dick head.
I'm 20, I study performing arts and dance at a University in the UK, I'm in good shape and I've played football all my life. Since I can remember I have had what I perceive as pretty bad chronic anxiety, the psychiatrist that I had for a while said I had GAD. I'd like to describe it as severe but since I do live a pretty normal live and I don't let it stop me from functioning daily I don't think it's fair to say that it is severe. I used to be a Christian but now I am agnostic, I don't think there is a god but I accept the idea that I will never know so I hold the believe that I can be very wrong. I did MDMA crystals the first time back in July this summer in Brighton, since then I've done a fair amount of MDMA, weed and nitrous and I've tried cocaine once. Since I tried MDMA for the first time I immediately took an interest in drugs, more so from a fascination point of view. That's how I first found Bluelight, because I wanted to learn about MDMA and how it worked. I don't take the best safety measures and I have done more MDMA than I should have but I feel pretty okay in terms of drugs, I don't think I'm dependant as I feel I can take it or leave it.
The last few months I've really tried to turn my life around positively and not let my anxiety hold me back. All my life it is weakened, enclosed me, it has taken my confidence and my well-being and happiness, I am always worrying, it disconnects me from the world around me and I never feel like I'm in touch with what's going on around me. I struggle to listen, I stuggle to focus, I struggle to stop thinking and anxiety is always irrational and overwhelmingly powerful and energy consuming. I do live a normal life and you could say I'm doing well since I'm at Uni but I know that it holds me back to a massive extent. I won't give up, I want to live a happy and full life and I am willing to give blood sweat and tears for it but I will be honest that I am terrified, I'm tired, I don't feel like I have a voice.
I'm really sorry about how long this thread is, I feel a little self indulgent and I do apologise if it is. It feels like I have barely scraped the surface however, there is so much I want to say and talk but I can't seem to do it very well. I've been reading these forums for a good 5 months now and it's scary to finally post but this is me trying to do open myself up and talk to people and listen to what others have to say. It will be nice to relate to people
). I do have a very positive mindset about everything though, I just know it's gonna be really hard to become the person I want to be as I'm fighting against 15 odd years of mental conditioning, I know that change is agonizing, but how I feel when I'm not anxious is like indescribably amazing, and I want to feel like that all of the time 
