• Hello Graphic
    NEW MEMBER'S GUIDE
    INTRODUCE YOURSELF
    YOUR FAVORITE DRUGS?
    WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

  • NMI Moderators: M!$TER-ED

Hi dug myself in deep.

whitexrabbit

whitexrabbit

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 26, 2013
Messages
30
Location
Ny
Hi there. I'm Al(female). I want to thank the folks here for the advice I've already received by lurking here.

I've finally admitted to myself that I have a bit of an addiction.... Its only just started to get bad.

Started due to a kidney stone problem I have. A couple years ago I got a shot of dilaudid in hospital and haven't been able to stop thinking about it. When my docs order me pills... They just disappear way faster than they should. In the past month I started iving 2mg d's prescribed for another kidney stone.
I keep telling myself this is the last time, but always do it again, and need a larger dosage. Luckily I am out so hopefully I can get back on track, but going crazy thinking about that. I thought I had only done it a few times.... But when I went to dispose of my used syringes, I found 12 or so hidden in my bedside table :/
This is a secret from everyone in my life. Even my spouse has no idea. I'm looking for support and maybe friendship of folks who understand what this feels like. I've not used any drugs in my life up until this point. Not even pot.

Looking forward to meeting you all.
 
Well I would stop it before it gets any further, I have read enough painkiller addiction stories to see where they all end up and I think the billboards around here tell a pretty good job of how they end up too.

I would suggest you try and find a way out before you think you have dug your self in too deep, seems to me your doc is happy to comply with you 'problem' and the best way to get off of this shit is some kind of taper that others on here know more about than me.

I like to see happy endings! Much love!
 
Whitexrabbit.
Hi and welcome. It is so amazingly insightful and brave for you to come forward with this. It takes a lot of addicts, myself included, much longer to not only come to this realization but to admit it and seek help. This site is fantastic and I find it much more informative than many other resources available.
I too had a problem with Dilaudid. In general i abused all and any perscription pain meds. But dilaudid was my love. I was perscribed 320 8mg dilaudid every month and would run out of them much quicker than should be humanly possible. You are in the early phases of addiction and it is great that you want to stop before it gets much worse. And believe me- it will get much much worse.
The first thing that you should do is find a support system and speak with a professional. The next step that will help you is to be honest with the people in your life whom can help you. Your spouse needs to know that you are struggling with this. That being said, you should make sure to tell him only in a safe and comfortable way and environment. It may help you to speak with a counselor, a doctor, or some other professional- they can help you get a plan, taper down, and they will help you stay healthy and safe in your detox. But they will not only help you with this problem but they can help you figure out the best way to tell your spouse about this. Having a support system in your life is one of the best ways to succeed.
The first thing you need to do- you already did- admit to yourself that you need help and that you don't like this any longer. The next step would be to speak with one of the people I mentioned above and to get a plan. You want to be safe, healthy, and smart with your taper/detox or you will not succeed. You need to be completely comfortable with this plan- listen to your body and mind.
You are brave and bravery is what getting sober takes. I got clean almost nine months ago and I have not gone back since. It took many times for me to get sober, many failed attempts. Not even a nearly fatal overdose opened my eyes. It took me getting to the lowest bottom I have ever been too to open my eyes and make this choice.
You can do this and there are so many resources to help. Do not think you are a bad person because of this, nor should you ever let another person use this against you to make you feel like you are "bad." Every single person walking this earth has an issue, ours happens to be this. You can get through this and you can succeed. Believe in yourself and do whatever is necessary.
I wasn't sure what you were looking for but I hope I helped. If you have any questions just ask.
Best of luck and I hope you are well. Scarlet.
 
Thank you for the responses. I almost talked to my sister today, but chickened out. I'm still holding the facade of perfect wife, mum, and career woman and just couldn't do it.
This weekend went better than expected. Friday was the hardest because I didn't have enough dilaudid left and my shot did nothing and I craved all night. Saturday I was sick to my stomach all day and was psychologically craving but made it through. Sunday was better but I drank to cover the craving. Today I snuck some Vicodin. It's not going to help me get away from narcs, but maybe at least get me away from needles? I always had a judgmental image in my mind of iv drug abusers, but never in a million years thought I would be one, or realize how easy it was to fall into. But maybe I'm not as deep as I thought. I figure this weekend would have been much worse otherwise? I appreciate the kind words and tough love. It's nice to talk in a place where this isn't shocking to someone.
 
Hi WhiteRabbit

You have made the first and most important step of admitting to yourself and us that you have a problem. Many of us here, including myself, developed a dependency on pain medications and our opiate addictions followed on. It is more complex when physical pain is involved.

You have a real chance to turn this around now before you get in too deep. When you describe your shot not working the last time, that is tolerance, i.e. the need for bigger and bigger doses just to feel "normal". As time goes on, massive tolerance to opiates develops and massive doses needed to stave off withdrawal cause massive side effects, along with despair and depression.

The deepest of people have succumbed to opiate dependency - addiction does not discriminate.
 
This sounds so like me in the early stages of my pill habit. I didn't graduate to IV til much much later but whatever - that doesn't define you, it's just a means of administering a drug and, if you're like me you wouldn't even have a desire for the stuff if you weren't in real pain. A drunk driver saw to it that I suffer pain the rest of my life. Now it's hard even for me to remember that there was a day I could take it or leave it, before the accident. I'm a mom too and had to give up on "perfection" long ago, for even a shread of peace of mind. What's wrong with plain ol' excellence? This is exceedingly good. Good enough is just fine and hell, sometimes just getting by is all you can do. Perfection is nothing but a set-up. Remember just to do the best you can and mostly, don't beat yourself up on top of what you're already dealing with.
 
Welcome to BL. Come by Other Drugs for any specific questions regarding addiction, withdrawals, etc. We also have a great forum called The Dark Side that can give you a lot general emotional support.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top