Hi, Dark side

[dredz]

Hi how's it going. Me I 'm not doing so good and came across this site through some other forums I am also a member of.

Right now I think I should just copy and paste this right in to the dark side because I am not doing well at all. I have just resisted going to score. I am writing this to stop the depression. I hope it helps. I want to know where I can write about my life on here firstly without boring people and secondly if it's possible to do that.

I desperatley need to talk with people but i will never go back to AA or NA as long as I live and I would rather die in a crack house than subject myself to that ever again. So am I angry no, just that I have been around and have never gotten to grips with long term sobriety or my depression /Bipolar etc.

I haven't drank in 9 months and it has been 13 months since I smoked crack. Yet the only thing I want to do is use, not drink which was my dug of choice for 25 years(I'm 42) and then in '96 when I first came to this country I was introduced to Crack, By God it got me ,


Anyway that's enough of an introduction. If you mods need to move this for me please feel free.

 

[LittlebyLittle]

I want to know where I can write about my life on here firstly without boring people and secondly if it's possible to do that.

i believe that's for the blog. introductions go in new member introductions. and if you need to talk to people, private messaging is the way to go.

 

[dredz]

Thanks people.

I did just post in the dark side on the crack mega thread. So already I am getting benefit. Posting has definitely helped and writing down the words so i think I will take a trip to the Blog area tomorrow.

Will look to getting my head down now.

Good night

 

[rmx]

If you don't have anything productive to add, don't post.

 

[Lolie]

Bluelighter with bipolar disorder whose drug of choice was alcohol checking in.

Are you currently on any medication for your bipolar disorder? If so, has it been recently reviewed?

I can understand the appeal of stimulants to you. To some extent they mimic the effects of hypomania and most people feel fucking invincible when they're hypomanic/in the early stages of mania. I talked to my shrink about adding a stimulant to my meds today because I miss feeling energetic and enthusiastic (not surprisingly, he said no as I'm currently in a months long mixed episode).

What resources are available to you? AA and NA aren't the only options available to most people and for many people they aren't the preferred option. For people with a major mental health issue like bipolar disorder, active medical management of that disorder is often an essential aspect of resolving substance abuse issues and AA makes no claim to offering medical care.

It sounds like the major issue confronting you at the moment is your depression. What's happening about getting treatment for that at the moment? You didn't mention either therapy or meds.

 

[dredz]

Hi Lolie,

Nice to hear from you. I went back and read quite a lot of your posts. I am amazed at your knowledge on a lot of this. This is one thing that always has me questioning myself. I never really cared for knowledge(doesen't sound right) but maybe only to feel better than someone, I just wanted to get high or have fun or go to work. I know what I am saying does not make much sense but if you take any of those examples, eg. Get high/ drunk. I didn't care if it was on a long slow day drinking 15 pints of porter or if it was washing down4 inches of raw vodka in a pint glass topped with some cola and gagging as it went down. They were very different some felt better than others. But it was effect I was looking for mostly.

The effect of drinking all day n a pub with my best mate was heaven. Drinking the four inches of vodka was because when younger i wouldn't have had enough money to get drunk on pub prices so I would compensate by drinking down the parents stuff before leaving.

Another example Having Fun, I used to play a lot of sport. Soccer (football) and golf. Some great golf courses I played but again some pretty crappy ones too. Did I care, no not really, It was again the experience of being out with friends are even on my own playing against the course.
What was important I guess was how I was going to feel at the course. Was I going to a very good course where there would be people above my station and I would feel less than. Was I going to a blue collar course where there might be some guys just golfing for the hell of it drinking cans of bud from their Cart. that would be just as bad. (Why waste a good day not really drinking and why waste a good day not really playing golf.) Such extreme was and is the norm for me.

Work was the same, as a bartender, I wanted it to be busy and busy as hell. I wanted to work not put in time. But I didn't want to learn about putting this drink with that mix. Nah too high brow for me. I wanted the lads to have a good time and a good drink. But even a customer who wanted to have a drink or too, no problem, just don't ask me which vodka, Belvedere Ketel one Goose etc. or Stolichnaya has the better taste of grain and is distilled 4 times. No I don't want to know about Congeners(impurities), especially when you are putting splash gun soda on top of the goddamn thing. I couldn't care less about it.

Anyway to get where I am today, I have taken a lot from your posts. I mean an awful lot, and love some stuff you have brought up in other threads.
I am seeing my shrink every two weeks at the moment because I stopped seeing my Psychiatric nurse for counselling a while back) Just over a year ago I handed in my D. Licence to the judge for a 7 month ban. The court gave me 3 hours to get home on a little courtesy waver. I went to the store by my house and bought a botte of vodka and some bottles of soda. replaced half the soda with vodka and drank through rush hour all the way to crack land.
Came home and made a gesture later that Night/morning. Came to after a few hours and got my jacket which had maybe a dollar in change(couldn't take a bus) walked out of my house texted my job and told them I was sick and I have been Hospitalized and would not be returning to work(Pretty much those exact words) and went straight down to the ER. I was evaluated and I got admitted to a psych ward. Spent (how about this- I don't know how long I spent in there, two weeks or a month)I don't know. Gosh that is scary) I will find out. I think it is a month, but I really am not sure. Jesus am I really serious that I can't remember,(me thinking out loud).

Ok well that was in November So it is not 13 months then. See this is my whole life, I have never had knowledge of anything in reality. I have just gone through life without being able to think. I know I was stopped Sep.26th. and then after a few court hearings and postponements it was about November when I had my last bout with Crack. Not my last time I drank - that was late march when I buried my Father. Managed to get arrested too.

So my psychiatrist doesen't want me to put a label on what I have. I said earlier I had Bipolar. I don't know. He says He just wants me to feel right. Yes I have had Meds but I can't remember what they were(again just like drinking, or smoking, I didn't care, I wanted the effect) I had no personal interest in my own safety or growth to understand. I was taking seroquel and some others along with it.(I will find out when I see him in a week or so)
Right now He has me on Fluoxetine 60mgs(up from40) Aplenzin 174mg(only the last three weeks) Definitely feel better since starting the Aplenzin. Feel as good or if not better than a couple of years ago when He had me on a cocktail of maybe 4 types of drugs.

Regarding my mania I never feel really creative just that i can conquer the world and become master of the universe through being the greatest daydreamer that ever lived. But as regards action, forget it especially positive action, (no not true yes I guess I have spells of going to the gym and etc etc but doesn't everyone,. But consistency , nope never ever had consistency in any thing for longer than a year or so, except one friend since the age of 12 and (I can't contact him for the life of me at the moment, almost like what's the point). Haven't spoken to him in about 2months, and I miss him badly.
And of course my constant bingeing and acting out from the age of 17 coupled with regret remorse and shame and terror.

I am currently working on myself on self esteem. Doing sentence stems from two of Nathaniel Branden's books. Honoring the self and raise your self esteem. They are helping me enormously. I really wouldn't have been able to write any of this without embellishing or changing facts because I would want you to have a certain image of me.

So instead of being at home and watching porn all morning on the computer I have been doing this. Well that means I have only a few minutes left for porn. Ah well, I do feel better having written all this and more importantly, being able to write the last couple of lines because that is my truth.

I have so much facing me but I am running away from it all by sitting in front of the PC and substituting porn for Crack. Oh how I still want to use because I see it being so difficult to face the consequences of my use. Can't go back to being a bartender, Have at least 40k in Debt, mortgage hasn't been paid in months and all I want to do is log on and beat off. There I,ve said it.


Let's out one huge sigh and signs off.

 

[Lolie]

I'll respond to your post in greater detail later (have to go get some shit done), but the combination of meds you're on is used to treat major depressive disorder. Sometimes psychs intentionally defer a formal diagnosis for conditions which are regarded as being lifelong and incurable (like bipolar disorder and schizophrenia) to minimise the negative external consequences which can come with such a diagnosis.

 

[dredz]

Was on Lamictal; Gabapentin(When i felt anxious, I could take them three at a time up to 9 a day, but never really took em) and seroquel. Maybe others but that's what I can remember fro 2008 at the mo.

 

[Lolie]

Gabapentin is one of those drugs which was promoted for a lot of off-label uses without any substantial research to back up its efficacy for many conditions. Ironically, it has been demonstrated to be of value for treating stimulant abuse but of limited use in treating anxiety, and was proven not to be effective as a mood stabiliser.

It's curious that Lamictal wasn't replaced with an alternative mood stabiliser when you went off it.

 

[ocean]

hey dredz, welcome to BL, man.

Blogs is a cool little corner of BL that you can journal pretty much anything. You can access Blogs by clicking on 'Quick Links' (towards the upper right hand portion of the screen under the 'Networking' category) or click HERE

You won't be able to PM folks here until your post count reaches 50 (this can happen rather quickly)

Dude, if your in pain and want some input from folks, feel free to start a thread here in TDS. Folks are basically amazing here but you'll find that out on your own

Hope to see ya around, man

Exactly as OD said

You also can post in TDS' Introduce Yourself Thread !

But starting your own thread (this one) and a Blog (as you have done) can be great outlets!
Welcome to BL and please don't hesitate to reach out to any of the members or Moderators of TDS for help. (Btw, You CAN PM a Moderator before you have 50 posts)

I am sorry things have been so rough for you - but it sounds like you've been doing great with your sobriety! The debt, the job, all of that will work itself out in time........Don't beat yourself up too much. Take responsibility for your actions but at the same time don't go overboard- You messed up, people do.
You recognize it and plan to move forward......Those are all good things-
As far as the substituting porn for drugs- surprisingly, this isn't that uncommon. There are groups for this type of thing and Sex addiction and such- You might look into going to one in your area, hearing how others cope with this may help you out a bit.......
I'm glad you're reaching out here, sometimes just getting it all off your chest makes a world of difference.

 

[dredz]

Hi Ocean,

Thank you for the kind words. I am doing better today that's for sure. Certainly feel honest and not scared here today. That feels good. No porn either so far.
Have done some good stuff today. I want to take a pic of all my bills I need to deal with and post them on the blog. Might do that!. I need to sign off now as I can see myself getting sidetracked.

However I am taking it easy as regards doing stuff, Usually I do it the reverse, screw around all morning and then rush around cursing myself for being such a fuck up,so much better ..........talk to you soon.

PS thank you for letting me know about the PM to mods. Right now doing alright.

Smiling..you know I am 42 and feel like a big kid writing this. But well I guess here are childhood issues too I have to delve into ..all in good time.