Hi all you Dark Siders...This forum would be $#%@# without you.

[Miss Kirsty]

Hey guys and gals...My name is Kirsty and i usually hang over in ODs..But quite a bit lately i have found myself moving around the BL site a bit. I have been over to the lounge for a look for a few weeks, and either i am way tooo sensative and they are just sooo comfortable between themselves, and can joke they way they do to each other, and i am a bit scared to post over there...So i have come here where i KNOW you are all sensitive also...

Anyway Im just having a rotter of a day...Last night i found out about anterrabrae dying...I guess i knew and didnt "go searching on BL for her obituary".60 days later, last night i checked and my fears were confirmed...I didnt know her but , i knew her.....
I too am a long time user and am on MMT tapering from 115mg/pd to now 90mg/pd and going down.....I am saturated by methadone and hate it...

Guys, How do you deal with deaths on BL? I know there is no 1 way to do it...I never met anterrabrae, but im sooo fucked that she is gone...I replied to her thread the day she died...When shed done a whoopsie and took to much...I FEEL I COULD HAVE DONE MORE.....BUT DONT KNOW WHAT...

I have lost members of my immediate family to ODs....Ive OD'd...I just feel sooo fucking inadequit...I cant stop crying nearly all day....

At the moment i am soo lost and sad that if others could let me know..."its all ok"..Maybe thats what i need...Ive NEVER relied on cyber friends before but if anyone cares, I love to hear!

 

[RedLeader]

The longer you're around BL, the more real the deaths become. As well, when regular posters go missing, you start to fear the worst. Death? Jail? It's hard. In our normal lives, a lot of us have lost people to drugs. Yet our normal lives contain only a fraction of people who use them, whereas on here it's close to 100%. Follow BL for long enough and you will lose friends. It's a sad reality, but also one that we need to take seriously in a sobering way.

I used to be on staff here, so I've seen a lot of the ins and outs of this site over the years. And one thing I'm not afraid to say is that despite being, in theory, a harm reduction site, BL is also enabling as hell. Sure, it's a great resource for doing many different things a lot safer, but to reduce harm is to suggest that that there was a greater existing threat of harm before the harm-reduction was applied. And for many people who take the path of limited_drug_exposure->internet_drug_movement->extensive_drug_exposure, even after applying HR-techniques to the much-increased drug exposure, a person's probably still facing more outstanding danger than had she/he stayed in real life possibly a bit more naive. I mean this mainly with respect to the RC movement and legal/quasi-legal/internet-bought drugs. Sure, you could call it harm-reduction if you increased the number of chambers in Russian Roulette, but there comes a point where the six-chamber gun is less-dangerous than multiple hundred-chamber guns firing from many different angles.

I get the saddest when I see young kids fall victim to the pressures of the internet drug craze, which (unfortunately as it may be) is kind of inextricably linked with the harm-reduction movement. Sometimes I wish that this site was more like TDS across-the-board, since this is no joke and people let the booksmarts and drug-intellectualism get too far ahead of the street-smarts and wisdom gained from this crazy war we rage on your bodies and minds with drug abuse.

You have to be very careful to assume that because you're versed in everything BL that you're really any safer than that person we make fun of in the club for 'taking the quad-stacked rolls with a heroin base.' Suboxone to keep people off of heroin is harm-reduction. Pill-testing at raves is harm-reduction. Legalizing drugs to reduce societal crime is harm-reduction. Letting a person smoke weed if it will keep him off of the hard stuff is harm-reduction. Only doing a drug because you got excited about it on an internet forum is not harm-reduction, no matter how safe you try to be. Doing a drug more often because you now know how to do it 'safely' is not harm-reduction.

Do the majority of BLers support socio-political harm-reduction? Sure, and it is absolutely great that this has support in growing numbers. Do the majority of BLers use drugs responsibly? Hell no. Do a lot a BLers not practice what they preach? Probably more than are willing to admit to it... Why? Because drugs, regardless of whether people should ethically/morally/legally/etc be allowed to do them, are not exactly benign. Using drugs in any way, shape or form is serious and needs to be taken seriously, respected for what it is, and not encouraged on the wrong people.

Which is why TDS is so great. It is a very realistic portrayal of it all. It's a support community for those who have lost a lot to drugs, and a community absent of a lot of the downfalls of rehab, 12-step, abstinance-only, psychiatry, and the like. It's people who have been through it helping people going through it, without a much BS. Its that point where the 'we've been lied to about how bad drugs are' meets the 'we've been lied to about how good drugs are,' and we're still kind of confused about it all. I can help someone get through an opiate withdrawal, but at the same time admit that I'd really like to do MDMA this summer, and not get negatively-judged for it (just an example). We're all people, and there's none of that "fakeness" that you in many different flavours across the various rehabilitation schools-of-thought.

I don't even really know where I'm going with this; just a lot of rambling. But ya, TDS is great and you should stick around. Glad to have you here!

 

[herbavore]

^ If I could post this all over Bluelight I would. Red, you always tell it like it is.

Miss Kirsty, in answer to your question about how to deal with the death of someone you knew here, i would say that the way to deal with it is to feel it--completely. Cry for as many days and nights as you want to cry because it is sad; it is tragic and it deserves our tears. Try to take something away from the knowledge gained and do something positive with it. Maybe make a change in your own life or encourage someone that is trying to make change in theirs. This helps me to cope with the grief. I am so sorry.

 

[rangrz]

I have been over to the lounge for a look for a few weeks, and either i am way tooo sensative and they are just sooo comfortable between themselves, and can joke they way they do to each other, and i am a bit scared to post over there..

Don`t be scared to post there! Its all in good fun and the pursuit of lulz. Humor does wonders when one is feeling somber I might add.

 

[xstayfadedx]

^yeah I agree with rangrz...

If you want to have fun and laughs then come to the other dark side as well, the lounge.

 

[painenduser]

Mrs. Kristy, What you are feeling os completely normal. That being said you have come to the right place. All of us here at TDS have lost many things, whether is be a good friend, ourselves, our sanity, or just plain lost our way. Noone here will judge you for your feelings, if they do, they don't belong here.

Losing someone who has meant so much to you and someone who helped to guide you can really hurt and make you feel like you've lost everything that got you to the place you were before you lost them, but don't lose site of what you have already gone through and how far you've come. It may sound cold for me to say, but as addicts, we already have signed ourselves up for an early visit with the Grim Reaper, and that is something that can be hard to accept.Don't be afraid to allow your emotions come out, cry if you need to and I am sure many of us will cry with you. It's a very sad situation you are in, but you can't let that undo all that you have worked so hard to obtain. We here at TDS would be more then willing to take you under our wing and help you over come the sadness, the confusion, and the lose that you are going though. Don't feel like you are week for showing your emotions and crying. At one point or another we have all for the most part lost our way some more then others, but we have a great group of people here that are here for you.

Please don't feel uncomfortable coming here, as I believe this is the best thing you could have done at the moment. We will all think of you and for those that pray, they will pray for your. I do believe that you just posting here is already your first step in over coming your loss, In TDS you will never be treated like an outcast as you are among like people. People who have lived through things similar and are better for it.

Welcome to TDS and never feel ashamed for the way you are feeling right now.

I am truly sorry for your loss and myself and everyone else here will be here for what ever you need. Try not to feel overwhelmed by the past. No one can change that and I am sure that your friend would want nothing more then for you to keep going and keep a positive attitude. Don't let this be a set back for you, but rather use it as a way to move forward with the knowledge that was shared with you as that is the best compliment you can give your friend.

I wish I had more to say to set you more at ease, but I think thus far everyone has shown you that you can move on, perhaps with a little help from your new freinds here at TDS.

All my best to you and never hesitate to ask for some additional help from anyone here. We have a great family here and you will not be alone.

Best wishes to you and I hope you can find some peace here, as well as the love that TDS has to offer you.

All my very best,

Pain

 

[Miss Kirsty]

Thank you....Thank you all....I am just so overwhelmed ATM...I feel as if all ive lost in the last 20 years, is hitting me in one foul swoop, so to speak!...Its as if its all built up untill now!...Ive been blocking so many thing including a rape when i was 12yrs...and subsequent addiction at 13 years old...Ive been struggling since i was 13...I am now 38...and i dont know how much more i can honestly take....I am absolutely NOT a suicide risk...But i am not real good...
I am having a bummer...I am going to Tasmania on tuesday to meet my neice....I have much much to live for...With all the sadness on here, please dont let me make anyone think i would do stupid things, as that aint the case...Im just reall fuckin down.................

 

[Miss Kirsty]

Don`t be scared to post there! Its all in good fun and the pursuit of lulz. Humor does wonders when one is feeling somber I might add.

Man i guess everyone being sooo very familiar with each other scared me...I read a thread that Brian 326 or something similar started and that put me off...

 

[painenduser]

It's ok to feel that way. We have all been down the proverbial barrel in life. The let is not to let it take the best of you. Always remember that what happened in the past can not be changed, so it's time to start looking towards the future. Learn from the past so that it can't come full circle and happen again.

I know what happened to you is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life, but what you do with it is going to be your survival. Don't let your past dictate your future. I don't know you, but I can tell that your stronger then allowing your past get the better of you. Try hard not to let the past overwhelm you. You seem like a sweetheart, and don't lose that, at the same time if you
need to go ahead and cry into your pillow, you'll feel better. And no one will shame you for it. We are here for you.l
Lots of hugs and lots warm wishes. You won't have to go at it alone.

I:

 

[Miss Kirsty]

I never let those closest to me know how i feel for real...Its not that i want to spare them, but i think i can get over it alone , without bothering them...Im one of those people who would die before they ph an ambo ( because someone better than me needs the same ambulance thats attending me)...Especially if it was drug induced, i think i have "no right" to call 000 for help and take the very ambulance that may save anothers life who is not a junky"....who may be having a heart attack or God forbid that a child may need the very same ambulance that i have "taken"...and he dies....I just cant fathom it....And i really beleive that others deserve priorty to me...........



OMG...we are all worth an ambulance if necessary...I dont want anyone to ever read this and not ph 000...these are just my black thoughts..If you agree with me then you have selfworth probs like me..

 

[rangrz]

Man i guess everyone being sooo very familiar with each other scared me...I read a thread that Brian 326 or something similar started and that put me off...

That might be a misconceived idea. The familiarity part...I mean, spkeaing personally, I hardly know anyone ITL, but that don't stop me from postwhoring.

 

[Dave]

It's a different mentality there. It can be a laugh to read, but I rarely post. I've always thought of TDS and TL as being pretty well opposites, and am generally fine with spending the bulk of my time here-- although the light relief of TL is always welcome. It used to be far more of a shark tank, in the old days, and is pretty benign now.

RedLeader-- I just wanted to let you know that I've saved that post. Sums up the good that BL does, and the harm that it causes at the same time so well. TDS wasn't always a part of the site, and while I wasn't involved with it when it was made, I think that TDS was started as a counter to some of that harm. By having this area, BL is able to operate as a fuller provider of harm-reduction services, including both enabling information and addictions/mental health support. Naturally, prevention is better than cure, and addiction prevention should (and AFAIK is) part of any good HR strategy, it can easily be overlooked by many people. I was young once, and thought that I was invincible, but I was fortunate that because I knew what to look for with regards to nascent addictions, thanks to the HR work done by BL and others, I was able to nip them in the bud.