Hiya! I'm sif. I was a little bit of a lurker here a while back, clicking through pages and pages of things I could relate to. I just registered yesterday evening, or maybe early this morning. I'm not entirely sure.
I'm currently a student, artist, musician, and science fiction/fantasy writer. (Tolkien type fantasy, not Stephanie Meyer type. Not judging though).
It's been a while since I had even thought about this site. Things have been going good, up until a couple days ago. I don't know. I mean things are still moving along, but I'm just not feeling it anymore. I've been in school for a year and I'm so damn close to almost finishing highschool. I had perfect attendance until a week ago. Haven't shown up since. Missed an appointment on friday to talk about college programs.
I have a boyfriend, and he's the greatest person to come into my life. He cares so much about me and we support eachother. If I'm upset, he gives me this adorable pouty face nobody else ever sees, and just holds me. It's the best thing in the world, but now I can't even feel anything when he does it. It's driving me crazy. I'm used to being numb, because hey - that shit happens. This though, is killing me. I feel cold. Bleh.
Something very minor had happened friday, but it has me really messed up. It made me feel a tiny bit like how I had felt almost two decades ago when I was 4-6. How I felt last Friday and when I was little, was like comparing agrain of sand to a beach. Long story short, my father had a thing for little girls and I was the only easily accessable one. He was never charged for fuck all, either.
I had a thing for painkillers years ago, but I more or less got over it before finding my boyfriend (let's call him Bill). I was able to take minor painkillers and anti-inflammatory medications without thinking about my past ehh, tastes lol. Right now though, all I've been thinking about is hydromorphone and my life before my mom kicked my father out. It's all I dream about, it's all that's on my mind. I can't even think about sex as of Friday. It's like I turn right back into a scared kid. I woke up from a dream last night and cried in a ball for hours. Everything I've worked on so I could function like a normal person is gone. Still working on it, though.
I'm trying my hardest to either be present for Bill, or to think of a way to tell him I need help without worrying him more. There's also the whole convincing myself to actually GET help. I have a hard time trusting people, and not without good reason. Growing up I had people I didn't even know talk to me about what happened with my Father. Then, people I didn't even know confronted me about my being suicidal in high school.
I do not believe in confidentiality. My mother works at a place in town for people who need help (in the same way that I do, and some moreso) to live. It's a really great concept, but I've heard all the stories about the residents from every worker I've talked to.
On a lighter note,Bill and I are very much into aquariums, and one of our guppies from our small-fish tank just popped out 34 little swimmies. We have them in a seperate tank and they're adorable. Like little specks with big eyes. Soon, I'll have a name for all of them. I won't know who's who, but whatever. There's a jim-bob and a spock in there somewhere.
Man, could ramble on for ages. I'm not even sure if this counts as in introduction, or a life story at this point. -My apologies! This is why my stories are novel-legnth.
Thanks for taking the time to read this long-ass monologue! -Sif
I'm currently a student, artist, musician, and science fiction/fantasy writer. (Tolkien type fantasy, not Stephanie Meyer type. Not judging though).
It's been a while since I had even thought about this site. Things have been going good, up until a couple days ago. I don't know. I mean things are still moving along, but I'm just not feeling it anymore. I've been in school for a year and I'm so damn close to almost finishing highschool. I had perfect attendance until a week ago. Haven't shown up since. Missed an appointment on friday to talk about college programs.
I have a boyfriend, and he's the greatest person to come into my life. He cares so much about me and we support eachother. If I'm upset, he gives me this adorable pouty face nobody else ever sees, and just holds me. It's the best thing in the world, but now I can't even feel anything when he does it. It's driving me crazy. I'm used to being numb, because hey - that shit happens. This though, is killing me. I feel cold. Bleh.
Something very minor had happened friday, but it has me really messed up. It made me feel a tiny bit like how I had felt almost two decades ago when I was 4-6. How I felt last Friday and when I was little, was like comparing agrain of sand to a beach. Long story short, my father had a thing for little girls and I was the only easily accessable one. He was never charged for fuck all, either.
I had a thing for painkillers years ago, but I more or less got over it before finding my boyfriend (let's call him Bill). I was able to take minor painkillers and anti-inflammatory medications without thinking about my past ehh, tastes lol. Right now though, all I've been thinking about is hydromorphone and my life before my mom kicked my father out. It's all I dream about, it's all that's on my mind. I can't even think about sex as of Friday. It's like I turn right back into a scared kid. I woke up from a dream last night and cried in a ball for hours. Everything I've worked on so I could function like a normal person is gone. Still working on it, though.
I'm trying my hardest to either be present for Bill, or to think of a way to tell him I need help without worrying him more. There's also the whole convincing myself to actually GET help. I have a hard time trusting people, and not without good reason. Growing up I had people I didn't even know talk to me about what happened with my Father. Then, people I didn't even know confronted me about my being suicidal in high school.
I do not believe in confidentiality. My mother works at a place in town for people who need help (in the same way that I do, and some moreso) to live. It's a really great concept, but I've heard all the stories about the residents from every worker I've talked to.
On a lighter note,Bill and I are very much into aquariums, and one of our guppies from our small-fish tank just popped out 34 little swimmies. We have them in a seperate tank and they're adorable. Like little specks with big eyes. Soon, I'll have a name for all of them. I won't know who's who, but whatever. There's a jim-bob and a spock in there somewhere.
Man, could ramble on for ages. I'm not even sure if this counts as in introduction, or a life story at this point. -My apologies! This is why my stories are novel-legnth.
Thanks for taking the time to read this long-ass monologue! -Sif
