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Hey. Long time reader/"user" - 1st time Poster

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Mattellis

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 28, 2015
Messages
6
Hi. I do not usually post in any forums (as in, on the internet, anywhere). I'm "private." Nonetheless, because the drug use secrets I am now, and have been carrying around with me for years are beginning to tear me apart inside, I figured it was time. If I am in the wrong place, or if I've posted something inappropriately here, there is no need to yell at or demean me. Just tell me, and I will leave.
 
This is the right place if you need to talk about secrets of or related to drug use. That being said, this is the internet, it's not actually private, so any violent crimes or crimes that would not be seen as socially acceptable or understandable I might advise keeping to yourself. This being said, I do not feel as though I've ever done anything that I couldn't talk about on blue light, granted it was in the appropriate section... and I've done some fucked up shit like most people here, so yeah don't go bragging about murdering people and you'll be good. I've had many helpful conversations on here over the years about getting clean, relapsing, mental health, guilt, etc.... this is a great tool to have access to, best of luck and welcome.
 
Thanks for the welcome. I haven't murdered or done anything like that causing me to search for a place to vent. It's just that my whole life has become a seeming, duplicitous mess filled with a mixture of truths and lies. I have an auto-immune problem, a really f'd up spinal situation, a few surgeries under my belt, chronic daily pain meaning that I can barely work if at all. I've (legally) been on huge amounts of opiates for years - as well as benzos, anti-depressants, amphetamines for a long time, and I like my Bourbon, too. Yet, I can tell NO one about all of this - even (and sometimes, especially) my therapist. I am a man, in my 40's, never married, no children, a biological family that I cannot stand and do not care to see, and a dog who loves me and I love her, even if she deserves a better master who would exercise her more.

I'm in a really, REALLY dark place right now, and I just don't know what to do anymore. My doctor is thinking of putting me in the hospital for various reasons, but I am terrified of going because I fear what may happen to me if someone looks up my nose. I have so many questions and cannot find answers. The bullet to the temple is not exactly the next course of action that I contemplate, but it is a choice that has been on the table (secretly, of course) since I was in my teens.

And now I am sitting here typing this all out on the internet and crying for no apparent reason.
 
Hey welcome Mattelis.
Don't worry, nobody will yell at you, we are all cool people :)

Check out The Dark Side, a section for those who are dealing with any kind of emotional/psychological problems.
The Mental Health forum may also be helpful, and last but not least we have a Pain Management Megathread.

Something I recommend to many newcomers is to look into meditation and yoga, meditation especially as it has been shown particularly helpful for those suffering from anxiety and depression, hell research has shown that it helps relieve even physical pain.
I suggest you look a bit into it, if you're feeling skeptical (absolutely normal, meditation has been linked to new-age bullshit for a long time, but I assure you that true and serious practice has nothing to do with it) there are tons of articles and scientific material you can read.

Feel free to send me a PM if you need help with the site or if you need more information about meditation.

Good luck!
 
Thank you, ComfortablyNumb95. I was beginning to think maybe I had already blown it. No explanation needed about the positive aspects of meditation. I have some experience with it, and totally agree with you.
I might send you a PM as well. Again, thanks for the welcome and the guidance.
 
Mattellis said:
Thank you, ComfortablyNumb95. I was beginning to think maybe I had already blown it. No explanation needed about the positive aspects of meditation. I have some experience with it, and totally agree with you.
I might send you a PM as well. Again, thanks for the welcome and the guidance.
Click to expand...
Hey, I answered your PM, sorry for the delay.
 
I would advise cutting back on the drinking. I stopped drinking because it was causing me anxiety and depression. Just stick your prescribed meds ant cut out the alcohol.

What kind of doggie you have?

I have 3 shihtzus. I love them so much. Remember they need you even more than you need them. They depend on you and are very important to your doggie.
 
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