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TDS Hey, I have a little story for you

N

Ninae

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 18, 2010
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4,522
Well, maybe some of you can learn something from it.

Not going to make a big deal of it, but I had a failed suicide attempt on Friday. It was impulsive. I just suddenly realised how tired and burned out I am from the stress of trying to get over benzo addiction for a year. That, plus all the withdrawals, and some stimulant overdoses that nearly killed me I think has destroyed my nervous system and it's like I can never get a moment of real peace.

So I just saw this just going on and on and thought "Fuck it" and went out and bought half a bottle of 40% (that is, mint liquor, as Peppermint calms the stomach very well). Drank it, washed it down with 100 benzos dissolved in alcohol. And, boy, that hit fast. I practically didn't have time to blink and never got around to tying the plastic bag around my head as I had planned for as an assurity measure.

Woke up late in the next afternoon feeling pretty worse for wear, but nothing life-threatening (guessing my sky-high tolerance to downers is involved here so don't take it as an indication it's something you can survive and without brain-damage). I didn't even manage that, but of course thank myself lucky. Kind of crazy to think how close I was to death, but that's how life goes.

Just a word of warning, how fast that knocked me out was crazy, practically immediate. I had pondered drowning instead and in that case there is no way I would now be alive. Especially be careful trying anything like this as an attention-getting gesture as, unlike me, you might well end up dead.
 
Ninae, I am so sorry that you were in that much pain. I love the explorations of your mind in P&S--you have a unique view that I find fascinating every time I read your threads. Benzo addiction is one of the worst and it can take it out of anyone. PM me anytime if it would help. I value you and your presence.<3
 
I had a similar incident happen except it wasn't a suicide attempt it was more like a major case of the fuckits :\ . I was barely sleeping at all as the sift work i was pulling completely fucked up my sleep altogether. Of course i had tried every benzo or Z hypnotic i could get my hands on not to mention throwing alcohol or opiates in the mix to try and sleep. But they at best gave me very minimal sleep that gave me no rest as my sleep schedule was fucked far beyond what a few pills could fix.

One time i had been awake for 3 days and i had not even had coffee much less amphetamines or coke. I had been eating loads of zopiclone, temazepam, Valium and clonazepam but i still was not sleeping. Of course i had a large stock of pills so one day i said fuckit i'll either sleep or die. I think i took close to 20 30mg temazepam caps with a 26oz bottle of rum. I guess lucky for me i could drink liquor like water and had a huge benzo tolerance as i just woke up with a bitching hangover almost a day later. I still have no idea wtf i did during that blackout but the stereo was still on when i finally came out of it and the windows where open even though it was a cold snowy day.

Either way i was lucky to be alive. A case of the fuckits can kill you just as easily as a thought out suicide attempt. I often wonder about some of the friends i had that killed themselves and thought would they have done it if they had just gotten through that moment? I mean I've been suicidal to the point of having a loaded shotgun on the table and drinking enough and doing loads of crack so i wouldn't care about blowing my brains out. But i thought about the people id leave behind and how they would feel and that is really what stopped me from blowing my brains all over the wall. So i guess i'm lucky that i thought of a reason not to do it. Most things can be fixed but death is pretty permanent
 
Thanks for all your support. I just have a short question as I'm trying to get to sleep.

Does anyone know if it could cause permanent lung damage? Because my breathing is really shallow and I can't breathe deeply. Also a bit worried about my heart. Am still lucid so brain cells seem unharmed (that would be my worst nightmare).

I might have to bite in the sour apple and go to the medical center and have blood tests done and own up to what I've done tomorrow. That would really suck as I hate that kind of supervision and all the fuss they make around it. But I'm worried about possible organ damage.
 
^you should Ninae, get all the tests done necessary to make sure there aren't any other health issues. If you are having problems with breathing get that checked also. I am happy that you survived that Ninae. Goodluck hun <3
 
Ninae I would imagine that the rapid, shallow breathing is from anxiety. I hope you feel better after some sleep.<3
 
No, I woke up feeling pretty awful after 7 hours sleep. Nauseous and unrested. I'm worry about kidney damage or too much poisoning now. I guess I might have to go but it might still l pass.
 
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