I'm not real sure what I am supposed to say in this "introduction", I am an addict in every sense of the word. The last 9 or 10 years have been the worst of my life and have taken away everything that I worked my ass off to get. I have always had an addiction of some sort as far back as I can remember, whether it was shoes or makeup or clothes, it didn't matter I was never satisfied! I smoked pot in high school and drank like a fish in college but was never held hostage by these things. I could do em one day and not think about it for a week or two.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was around 23. Unfortunately for me my OBGYN was a raging lunitic amd even though I was I'm severe pain a lot of the time she over medicated me in every sense of the word. My first appt I left with a script for 120 30mg roxies, I had never messed with opiates at all because of family issues and growing up seeing what it can do to a person so I didn't know the difference between Vicodin and Morphine.
I filled my script and took them as prescribed. I remember sleeping a lot for prob a week and a half and then gradually started to tolerate the medication. It was definitely helping my pain but I wanted my pain to be NON EXISTENT, which I now know is basically a pipe dream. So my next appt. my Dr asked how the medication waa doing and I told her I felt like the pain could be managed a little better. She then literally proceeded to rattle off all kinds of opiates and basically said pick one, I chose dilaudid, not knowing what I was getting myself into.
That first dilaudid was heaven and so if one os amazing imagine how 2 or 3 or 4 would be! I was hooked and had no clue. I continued to see this dr for about 2 years the whole time with her writting me pain medication. At it's height I was getting 150mcg fentanyl patches!! I now realize how absurd this is and that this is a pain medication that terminally ill patients received, but at the time it was just another drug and as long as a Dr was telling me it was ok, I could justify it.
One morning before my appt I received a call from my Drs office saying that she would not be able to see me for my appt that morning. I was out of pills and desperately needed to see her and get a script so, I argued and the lady said ok well you can come in but she will not write you any prescriptions from now on. WHATTTTT!?!?!?! I was furious, terrified, confused, and a little in shock, this woman whom I have seen at least once a month for 2 years and has performed 4 surgeries on me AND who told me verbatim "don't worry we will ween you off these, I wouldn't pull the rug out from under you." Well ill be damned if thats not exactly what she did. I managed to get by for a couple weeks by buying pills off the street but they were way too expensive for me to even think about maintaining that lifestyle.
So a guy I knew told me he had something that was better than any pain pill and much cheaper and to come over and try it so I was extremely excited and drove over there and he has needle in his hand and tells me that it's heroin and if I wanted to do it I had to let him shoot me up I wasn't allowed to snort it. Now at this point I was sick as hell so I kind of had a whatever attitude and I let him shoot me up. How I did not overdose I will never know because it must have been close to half a gram and although I had a tolerance I had never IVed any drug before.
Long story short that began my love-hate relationship with Heroin and here I am now close to for four and a half years later, 9 detoxes / treatments, 2 outpatient programs, and 2 tries at the methadone clinic and I am still using. I had an amazing life and nothing but great things to look forward to. I had just graduated with my bachelor's degree and gotten a teaching job, I was living with a man that I was completely and totally in love with and things were only going to get better or so I thought. In less than a year I had no job I had no boyfriend and I was 30 years old living in my parents house again with no income and dependent on them for everything and sad to say that's kinda where I'm stuck. I have had clean time before, my longest was almost 9 months, but something always seems to call me back to that soul crushing substance.
I would love any advice anyone has to offer, however I am a grown up and well aware of my mistakes and do not need to be lectured. Any non-traditional methods that have worked for anyone, I would love to hear about! And I dont mean for detoxing, with as many places as I've been I can do that in my sleep but I need solutions and things to keep me clean, FOREVER!!
I apologize that this turned into such a long post because I certainly had no intentions whatsoever of writing more than three or four sentences but I don't know I think this was maybe a little therapeutic for me in some way. Anyway thanks for reading any helpful comments suggestions inspirational stories are greatly appreciated.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was around 23. Unfortunately for me my OBGYN was a raging lunitic amd even though I was I'm severe pain a lot of the time she over medicated me in every sense of the word. My first appt I left with a script for 120 30mg roxies, I had never messed with opiates at all because of family issues and growing up seeing what it can do to a person so I didn't know the difference between Vicodin and Morphine.
I filled my script and took them as prescribed. I remember sleeping a lot for prob a week and a half and then gradually started to tolerate the medication. It was definitely helping my pain but I wanted my pain to be NON EXISTENT, which I now know is basically a pipe dream. So my next appt. my Dr asked how the medication waa doing and I told her I felt like the pain could be managed a little better. She then literally proceeded to rattle off all kinds of opiates and basically said pick one, I chose dilaudid, not knowing what I was getting myself into.
That first dilaudid was heaven and so if one os amazing imagine how 2 or 3 or 4 would be! I was hooked and had no clue. I continued to see this dr for about 2 years the whole time with her writting me pain medication. At it's height I was getting 150mcg fentanyl patches!! I now realize how absurd this is and that this is a pain medication that terminally ill patients received, but at the time it was just another drug and as long as a Dr was telling me it was ok, I could justify it.
One morning before my appt I received a call from my Drs office saying that she would not be able to see me for my appt that morning. I was out of pills and desperately needed to see her and get a script so, I argued and the lady said ok well you can come in but she will not write you any prescriptions from now on. WHATTTTT!?!?!?! I was furious, terrified, confused, and a little in shock, this woman whom I have seen at least once a month for 2 years and has performed 4 surgeries on me AND who told me verbatim "don't worry we will ween you off these, I wouldn't pull the rug out from under you." Well ill be damned if thats not exactly what she did. I managed to get by for a couple weeks by buying pills off the street but they were way too expensive for me to even think about maintaining that lifestyle.
So a guy I knew told me he had something that was better than any pain pill and much cheaper and to come over and try it so I was extremely excited and drove over there and he has needle in his hand and tells me that it's heroin and if I wanted to do it I had to let him shoot me up I wasn't allowed to snort it. Now at this point I was sick as hell so I kind of had a whatever attitude and I let him shoot me up. How I did not overdose I will never know because it must have been close to half a gram and although I had a tolerance I had never IVed any drug before.
Long story short that began my love-hate relationship with Heroin and here I am now close to for four and a half years later, 9 detoxes / treatments, 2 outpatient programs, and 2 tries at the methadone clinic and I am still using. I had an amazing life and nothing but great things to look forward to. I had just graduated with my bachelor's degree and gotten a teaching job, I was living with a man that I was completely and totally in love with and things were only going to get better or so I thought. In less than a year I had no job I had no boyfriend and I was 30 years old living in my parents house again with no income and dependent on them for everything and sad to say that's kinda where I'm stuck. I have had clean time before, my longest was almost 9 months, but something always seems to call me back to that soul crushing substance.
I would love any advice anyone has to offer, however I am a grown up and well aware of my mistakes and do not need to be lectured. Any non-traditional methods that have worked for anyone, I would love to hear about! And I dont mean for detoxing, with as many places as I've been I can do that in my sleep but I need solutions and things to keep me clean, FOREVER!!
I apologize that this turned into such a long post because I certainly had no intentions whatsoever of writing more than three or four sentences but I don't know I think this was maybe a little therapeutic for me in some way. Anyway thanks for reading any helpful comments suggestions inspirational stories are greatly appreciated.
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