Hey friends, its been months, but I am back.

[thizzin' since 98]

Hey friends, I know its been a few months, if anyone was still curious I have a small update.

Its been just about a year and 5 months since my indecent last January. I can say things have gotten better, but I am still far from satisfied. I am starting to accept the fact that I messed up and changed my brain chemistry and perception. I'm trying to fight it, but I know I have to let go sooner or later. I often have dreams about watching my own funeral with friends and family begging that I had never dabbled in the dark side and remembering who I was before the drugs. It's a sad thought. I don't want to lose my life to this battle.

I am currently taking Prozac everyday and Xanax when I need it. Its been keeping the crying spells away and the aggression neutral, but I still suffer from anxiety and depersonalization. My palms are always sweaty, my breathing is always shallow, and I am very, very, very jumpy and startled by the littlest things. Life constantly feels fake still which really gets me down, its unbelievably frustrating. I just want to be a normal fucking 19 year old for one day.

Another thing that I have been suffering from is short term memory loss, and a constant state of my brain feeling almost zoned out or lazy. I'm not sure how to describe it yet, and its not a side effect of the Prozac because I've had it for months before taking prescription drugs. I still have motor skills, can carry a conversation, but my brain doesn't feel witty and fired up like before. It either feels blank or going 110% because of anxiety.

Me and my father are undergoing major trials and tribulations right now, as he is just about 65, suffering from a notebook of health problems, and we are both in a terrible money situation. When I say no money, I mean, $20. He asks me everyday, what can I do? Should I call this person? Come up with ideas for this and that, and it's like my brain can't process stressful situations. All I can say is "I don't know dad, umm, I don't know, I am sorry, my brain just isn't working today."

I fucking hate it, I feel like trash.

The last thing I am still struggling with is the random thoughts I have, where I almost forget who people are in a sense. Some times I look at my dad while he is talking to me and I zone out a little bit, and say, this is my dad? what is family? why am I breathing air? what is speaking? lips move and airs comes out?

You get the point, just weird thoughts that go on and on and scare me, like I just lost connection with real life and emotions for a minute. I am constantly going in and out of this state. The strangest thoughts, where I question my own existence.

That's about all I can think of right now. Thank you for taking the time to read this wall of text.

I hope you all live wonderful, productive lives and don't do too much damage to your brain. Mental health is really something I took for granted any now I am paying for it. Remember to test all of your goodies! It will be worth the time and money. Another thing I didn't do.

I love you all for listening, again, thanks.

Sincerely,

Buddy​

 

[Chesh]

I don't know what happened to you or why you're going through all of this, but it sounds like you're dealing with a lot mate. Everyone makes mistakes, it's unfortunate that your mistakes have lead to this.

Good luck getting through it all, sounds like you're dealing with it a lot better than some people would.

 

[gooballs]

Greetings man, I want to wish the best in your recovery from whatever it is your recovering from. I know how you feel man, trust me, I'm sure our situations were caused by different factors, but from what you say your are going through, I realize that I am going through the same exact thing. Just know there are other people out there with these problems. As disassociated as you may feel, you are not alone. It's crazy to believe that just one bad drug reaction can fuck with us for months even years, before it happened to me I wouldn't have thought it was possible.

I know what your going through, the disconnect from people you love, overwhelming feelings of apathy and even uselessness. One of the best things we can do is try. Not to sound like a shitty cliche because I don't mean it in that way. Try to socialize, try to do all the things your brain seems to be stopping you from doing. The harder it is, the more beneficial it will be. I understand that it's hard. Going through life feeling so robotic, it makes you feel like there is no point in a lot of things, but there is, we both know it and can remember a time where everything wasn't so fucked up. I've been at a point lately where the deepest emotion I can draw from myself is sadness, and it's making me completely miserable. So everyday I try to get it out of me one way or another. Sometimes I'll go on a run or workout, which i really recommend you do too, as annoying and pointless as it may seem at first, I promise you it helps. The questioning of life thing, yeah I'm sure its something almost everyone around here has done once or many times, but I don't think the majority of people can understand the extent to which we do it. I wake up morning after morning wondering why am I alive, how did I get to this place and how is this man who's evermore becoming a stranger to me my roommate. It's never in the cool philosophical way or anything, I just really seem to have troubling holding onto my reality, which always seems to be fading away. I am then usually later confronted with what reality is, and for brief moments things seem alright, which makes the waves of confusion, dysphoria and disconnect so much harder to bear. I don't know why I typed all that I can't imagine it actually aiding you in many ways but I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Good luck man, the better we treat ourselves and the harder we try to get over the single hump that we've been sliding down for so long, the sooner we can get our lives back together.

 

[yanker]

Huh? Wtf!

Are u like this because of ecstasy abuse? Should've followed the advice on here and use it responsible.

 

[thizzin' since 98]

Thanks for the support guys, for those unfamiliar with my struggles, you may be able to find old posts and threads from me. I made quite a few, when I was in a really dark place last year.

To sum it all up, I abused MDxx for 3 months. I don't say MDMA because it was never pure and cut with who knows what. After consuming about 9 pills every weekend and a few during the week, I ended up venturing from my usual 'pokeballs' to a Blue Rolex, which was a mistake. I'm guessing it was a very dirty pill, piperazine maybe? I'll never know, but it felt like a bomb went off in my brain, after 30 minutes of ingesting, I thought I was going to die, I had the chills, my eyes were dilated like platters for days after use, I couldn't even drive for days because I would just pull over, crying my eyes out for hours, for no reason. Everything around me felt spacey and unreal and since then I have been plagued with panic attacks and depression. Along with the depersonalization. I can't drink with my friends or girlfriend, I can't go on roadtrips or to any events anymore, everything is a struggle. Nothing feels the same. I can just feel my brain processing things differently.

 

[Folley]

Hey thizzin.... I hate to see that you're still in this state


I've been through it... albeit not as bad, but I've been there. Even now I still feel the effects from my abuse though... that brain fog you're talking about is a real bitch... and I know I still get it often. The important thing is to keep looking up... I know you've heard that probably a hundred times, but once you start getting down on yourself it hardly ever stops.


If you ask me, I would say that you just need a break from it all. See if you can rent a cabin way out in the wood somewhere... just get away from life man. Humans have created so many needless problems from living with thousands of others in the same city. Get away from all that SHIT. Let yourself recover, remember, the most important thing in your life is YOU, and YOU alone. Family and friends are important, but no where near as important as you are to yourself.



I wish you the best man. I know you've been dealing with this for a very long time, I went through HELL for a month, and came out on the other side with a giant scar on my ego, my brain, hell... on my soul. But it gets better.... only if you let it, however.

 

[5000m]

nice post Folley

 

[magicstix]

I can only relate after my bad shroom trip but I was only in a bad state for 5 months. I will pray for you and lets hope you get better. Im sure you will also. At least you can function enough to type and talk and communicate to us.. some people are so fried they can't even do that. Much love my friend and a big hug.

 

[thizzin' since 98]

Thanks Folley. You know, I think I might just do that, I hope it doesn't make me think about things even more though. I'll drive myself insane.

And thank you magicstix, I'm glad you made it out after 5 months, I bet it was the worst 5 months of your life.

I wonder if there is some sort of therapy I can do to trick my brain or perception back to normal? :/

 

[cryptix420]

I'd say switch out the prozac for some albizia julibrissin and start taking some aniracetam/noopept and a healthy diet with exercise and good sleep.

 

[thizzin' since 98]

If I ordered aniracetam or piracetam, how do I know if I am actually getting a legit product? All of these nootropic medicines seems a little sketchy, especially for the price and being overseas. I don't trust anyone.

 

[First Bad Comedown]

Thizzin, its your friend FBC.
I'm glad to hear from you again, but I regret your continued struggle.
You have more sympathy and understanding coming from this side of the monitor than you can imagine.

And saying that means a lot, because empathy and sympathy are higher brain functions that often escape me.
But lately they have been flittering back to life.
And I cannot tell you how important that part of humanity is when you realize its gone.
The prefrontal region of the brain is absolutely a miracle, and yours is being vastly rewired.
Very slowly...

Your prefrontal and pituitary function may never return to pre MDMA levels, but PLENTY of research shows that it will NOT stay where it is now.
And accepting the change is one of the first signs of progress.

In my opinion and experience, it is only after a VERY long period of suffering that the brain starts to rewire some of its higher cortical neurons.
In particular the adrenal glands must exhaust their ability to release cortisol.

Cortisol is a defense mechanism against serotonin in the brain - it decreases serotonin levels by increasing the metabolism and oxidation of serotonin.
This is why cortisol levels spike SO high during MDMA use.
But when they continue for MONTHS afterwards, this is a sign of damage to the serotonin network.
This means that serotonin transmission is not occurring normally anymore and it is wreaking havoc upon numerous brain functions.

The endocrine system releases constant prolactin - causing a drastic down regulation of dopamine receptors in the Nucleus Acumbens and the most miserable and unhuman condition known as 'anhedonia'.
This is when life is so joyless and meaningless that even SUICIDE seems uninteresting when the thought of it should be enticing.

The adrenal glands exhaust their cortisol producing abilities, causing adrenal fatigue.
Now you get tired after meals like a diabetic, NEVER feel rested after sleeping, and CAN'T fall asleep at night despite being exhausted.
I believe that THIS is when real 'progress' is made.

It is when the adrenals fail to exert the protective effects of cortisol that the serotonin nerves are truly allowed to expand and grow into the neurons and networks that they have been so constantly antagonizing. This is when you will begin to change.

Who you are - who you have always been - is now being overwritten.
Or remoulded.

During the greatest suffering of your lifetime, something truly amazing is happening.
Your brain is entering a 'developmental' stage that mimics infancy.
And slowly serotonin nerves finally crawl forward into the cortical brain - emerging from the brainstem through the hypothalamus.

Much of what you have felt has been the constant sprouting and collapsing of serotonin nerves between the HYP and the cortex.
Each loss causes a real change in thought and feeling.
And although it feels like it is getting worse, slow and silent progress is being made.
Because the serotonin nerves that DON'T collapse back to the hypothalamus are growing.
Slowly and surely.

Eventually some of these nerves will touch down on the distant shores of the prefrontal cortex.
It is a longer journey than most people can imagine.
After all, humans took MILLIONS of years to evolve this higher brain region.
And although it may never be gifted with the impressive innervation originally seen, it WILL BE REINNERVATED.
This is known.

It just happens to be the furthest from the brain stem.
And the serotonin nerves that reach it are axonal projections from distant cell bodies.
Cell bodies that are 'reorganizing' the entire structure that ascends towards the PFC (just behind your forehead and face).
If it were just a matter of resprouting of lost axons, you would already be recovered.

But from the hypothalamus forward ALL the way to the PFC the entire network is constantly fluctuating.
Changing who you are and how you perceive yourself and the world around you.
Depersonalization is hardly an adequate term to describe the utter loss of humanity.

As horrific as it is, as impossible as it is...
The true miracle is that I am still MOSTLY myself.
Especially on good days, I do not perceive the chasm anymore.
I do not FEEL so greatly reduced.
My spirit, my intellect is more resilient than I could have EVER dreamed!

After what I have survived - the constant cerebral and neurological symptoms....endless suffering....language and memory deficits that wax and wane....
The sheer weight of it all should have resulted in the utter collapse of the self.
I should be a drooling retard right now.

But I'm not.
I can still type fast and with passion that approaches my former technique.
I am succeeding financially and I'm beginning to enjoy daily life.
I am remembering what its like to love my wife and daughter.
And myself.

But it took until month 13 to really feel the cognitive changes begin.
And month 15 for them to reach their peak...and recede.
And now at 18 months I am still feeling the crawling nerves inside my mind....yearning to constantly change me.
Just much slower.
Much more tolerable and predicable.

I fear nothing ahead now.
There will be boredom and confusion, but no anxiety.
No worry.
Not even regret over the loss of the old me.

At worst I will simply feel much OLDER than I should.
Before this happened I was 28 and felt like I was still 20!
When it began I felt like i was 90!!

Now I am actually 30 but feel like I would expect to feel at 40.
Cognitively and emotionally that is. Most days that is...
Good thing I'm in incredible physical shape from all the exercise.

Which you better be doing.
Every day.

Even now lack of exercise makes me go downhill a lot. And starting up again makes a HUGE difference.

Why take an SSRI that isn't helping?
Just because it stops some of the anxiety does NOT mean it is rewiring the 'ascending axonal structure' of your brain.
It does resprout axons in the higher brain, esp. in healthy people, but it does NOT substitute for the entire re-organization of the VERY dense serotonin-hypothalamus-cortex network!!!

And 'withdrawal' can be VERY bad.
Your endocrine and adrenal function will be MUCH worse.

Taking lithium with your SSRI may prevent some of the damage that SSRIs can cause.
So ask your doctor about it if you chose to continue taking it.

YES GET THE RACEETAMS.

They move serotonin from the hypothalamus to the prefronal cortex without moving around serotonin nerves.
They impact cellular permeability through increased acetylcholine transmission.
This is a salt solution that bathes the brain - literally inside the membranes of cells allowing for increased electrical communication.
It can deplete choline, so taking a supplement occassionally is a good idea.
But the main action upon serotonin and dopamine - i.e. the preferential increase in PFC - is very effective at arresting and reversing the symptoms of MDMA toxicity and endocrine dysfunction!

I highly recommend it instead of the SSRI.
It will restore your thoughts and feelings.
And these dreams of funerals will become vivid - alive.
You will understand them, and life much more.
You will be exceedingly in control of your internal environment.

There is a period of anxiety or more correctly agitation during the first day or two of taking it.
Do NOT worry, it is NOTHING compared to what you have endured.
I promise you will not fear for your life.

But you may want to argue or rant for a few hours.
So warn those around you about this initial onset.
It seems that moving serotonin and dopamine from the brainstem to the frontal lobes can have a VERY stimulating and confrontational effect on people.

But it passes.
There is a crossover after a few hours.
And the energy is endless.
Your ability to read/write/speak/think will exceed your wildest dreams.
And your dreams....

What an incredible molecule it is.
Some call it the 'God molecule'.

Take it with fish oil by the way.
Don't ask me why - just do it.
Probably something to do with the interaction between DHA and choline - both affect membranes of brain cells.

After the first few miraculous days, when your skin feels warm and pleasant....colors get brighter and textures sharper....your libido spikes, music sounds awesome, and your emotions return so strongly that you WEEP FOR JOY....
After a few days of this, the effects stabilize.

The transformation holds.
Like a jello mold in the fridge.

There won't be any more serious agitation after dosing, although there will be a little.
The cognitive enhancement is still amazing, but it calms down slightly too.
It is the emotional benefits that seem to stabilize the most.
You won't continue to feel abundant joy for weeks on end - but you won't feel EMPTY AND LIFELESS either!

It seems the greatest emotional response occurs during transition.
It is the contrast between suffering and restoration that causes the tears of joy.
Once the 'restoration' holds (like jello) the overwhelming joy turns into an ongoing and stable feeling of control.
You will feel whole, and very smart, for a long time.
Weeks, months.

Eventually you may get headaches or feel over stimulated by the racetams.
Tapering your dose down will show you that you must cycle on it, not take it continuously for months.
And after a few days of withdrawal you may experience a SPIKE in performance.
Warning - after enough withdrawal time I ALWAYS experienced a slow but sure degradation.
Like jello left out of the fridge.

It doesn't hold on its own.
And the hypothalamus-serotonin-cortex reorganization begins its horrible dance again.
Every.
Single.
Time.

After a year of going on and off of Piracetam, my great 'Pause Button', I decided I had to face the music.
I was tired of the back and forth and I had to admit to myself - EVEN THE GREATEST DRUG AVAILABLE FOR MDMA TOXICITY IS NOT A CURE.
There is NO substitute for the brain's own developmental process.

That is why I tell you that exercise is your ONLY hope.
It is the ONE tool that we all have to reshape and remould our jello filled skulls.
Never forget this.

Stop taking SSRIs.
It turns out badly for MOST people, especially those MDMA victims I have encountered.
A waste of time at the least, and a major cause of further damage at the worst.

Just like the raceetams, moving serotonin around the brain will not fix the drastic structural problem that your higher brain now has to fix.
The SSRI that 'fixes' the higher brain has not been discovered yet.
Only 30 percent of depressed patients are successfully treated with these drugs, and about HALF of them are worse after they discontinue.
This can be measured in the pituitary.
SSRIs can cause long-term/permanent depression in people!

Too bad they are so damned affective early on in treatment...
Perhaps there will never be a drug that rewires the higher brain/gut connection.
Maybe it is a gift we are born and created with that cannot be recreated.

Maybe not.

Until then, believe me that lots of time will help.
It will change who you are too.
But then you will learn just how resilient the sense of self can be.
Only after truly losing yourself - allowing the funeral to be real - will you rise from the ashes.
Resurrection.

Perhaps of a different you.
But a happy one.

I promise one day it will get better.

Do not forget all I have said about exercise.
And anger.
The surge in dopamine causes a real and lasting change in serotonin organization, and neurological function.
Get pissed.
Scream and cry.
And work out hard.

Repeat.

Let me know how you are doing every now and then.
I don't get onto BL as much as I used to - life is keeping me busy.
Even though I have to admit that I am still wildly depersonalized and devoid of pleasure some days!
You would think such a monumental effort on my part would spell a sense of fullfillment and purpose.

Some days it does. But not all.
Oh well, I will fight this horrible process regardless of the reward.
In the belief that one day I will discover myself again.

Here's to 'recovery'.
And resurrection.
Good luck my friend.

FBC

 

[thizzin' since 98]

Hey FBC,

I'm glad to see that you are still here and well equipped with bounds of information for me. I know I make you repeat yourself in posts, but I can't fully express my appreciation for your time and research enough.

A few questions for you. The past few months I get startled and scared extremely easily. If I am on the computer browsing the internet and my girlfriend walks over and places her arm on me, I will jump. Practically every little thing makes me jump and sends a shock through my body. I feel on edge all the time.

I also feel very lightheaded. If I look up to quickly or move my head around it feels like my brain is bouncing around in my head and I get dizzy. My vision is also very shaky. I'm not sure if it is my eyeballs shaking or my head. I know when I get really nervous my head and neck starts shaking really bad and it is really embarrassing, but I'm not sure if other people can see it.

I also notice little small ticks and twitches every now and then, that are definitely post-mdma use.

Any insight on these symptoms?

 

[magicstix]

Well, when I was in my bad state I noticed things much more than I do when im in a normal state of mind. I like you felt very light headed and with a weird pressure pushing on the both sides of my brain. My vision was also very shaky and would get startled when people talked to me due to the weird perception change of changing my focus on different objects. It was kinda like the space between me and the object was being bent into a sphere. However I also notticed my vision shaky but if you think about it we are never 100% still. We are always in motion. Are eyes and head moves all the time and when in a weird state of mind these things will be more pronounced. I unfortunately did not have a girl friend when I was going through this so I was completely alone in a weird psychedelic world. So look at a bright side you have a girl friend who loves you. I feel the love of a soul mate can do alot of healing. Just try to sit down and enjoy each others love.

 

[thizzin' since 98]

Hey FBC, have you ever taken a xanax and smoked weed? my girlfriend has brought up that she wants to start smoking weed again for a few weeks now, and I feel like I am holding her back. Before we dated, she was a huge stoner, for the past year she gave up smoking weed, because it gives me panic within minutes of smoking. If I was to take .5mg or maybe even .25mg alprazolam, would I enjoy a nice high? knowing my circumstance, would I risk triggering something worse then I have? a psychosis maybe? would it intensify the high? or make me incoherent and zoned out? I know I am asking 99 questions right now, I'm sorry. If so, how long after taking the xanax would I want to smoke? and just a hit of some 'mid class' bud, and not hold it in? i'll make sure avoid any "one hit wonder" strains.

 

[OGKooosh]

Hey FBC, have you ever taken a xanax and smoked weed? my girlfriend has brought up that she wants to start smoking weed again for a few weeks now, and I feel like I am holding her back. Before we dated, she was a huge stoner, for the past year she gave up smoking weed, because it gives me panic within minutes of smoking. If I was to take .5mg or maybe even .25mg alprazolam, would I enjoy a nice high? knowing my circumstance, would I risk triggering something worse then I have? a psychosis maybe? would it intensify the high? or make me incoherent and zoned out? I know I am asking 99 questions right now, I'm sorry. If so, how long after taking the xanax would I want to smoke? and just a hit of some 'mid class' bud, and not hold it in? i'll make sure avoid any "one hit wonder" strains.

yo man i cant speak on your brain chemistry but im a really big pot head and my girl is not, it just doesnt do it for her for some reason.

we deal with this by i get high and she will only take a hit or two if she feels up to it, couldn't you just pass on the MJ if your worried its gonna have a really adverse reaction?? i dont think it makes all that much sense to take a drug your already worried to take. like how people say don't take acid if your questioning it, it just doesn't end well, i think this statement could ring true for you too.

 

[papoose]

Hey FBC, have you ever taken a xanax and smoked weed? my girlfriend has brought up that she wants to start smoking weed again for a few weeks now, and I feel like I am holding her back. Before we dated, she was a huge stoner, for the past year she gave up smoking weed, because it gives me panic within minutes of smoking. If I was to take .5mg or maybe even .25mg alprazolam, would I enjoy a nice high? knowing my circumstance, would I risk triggering something worse then I have? a psychosis maybe? would it intensify the high? or make me incoherent and zoned out? I know I am asking 99 questions right now, I'm sorry. If so, how long after taking the xanax would I want to smoke? and just a hit of some 'mid class' bud, and not hold it in? i'll make sure avoid any "one hit wonder" strains.

are you having a laugh with this statement?

Listen to FBC.

Exercise
Healthy Life Style.

since when has smoking weed been part of a healthy life style. you need to help your self! I seem to remember reading DO NOT take SSRI's. Im no doctor but isnt xanax an SSRI

You need to help your self.

 

[Folley]

since when has smoking weed been part of a healthy life style.

Since when did using a 10,000 year old medicine become something that's unhealthy?

Im no doctor but isnt xanax an SSRI

I'm not either, but any quick google search will tell you, no... not even close.

You need to help your self.

Easy to say, hard to do. He has been dealing with this for almost a year at least... you don't think he's tried to "help himself"?




Have some sympathy for the guy... he's been through more than all of us.




Thizzin, I bet if you took a TINY bit of xanax before smoking it would help. However much you need to get the anti-anxiety help, but not enough to get you high.

.25 might be a bit too small if you have tolerance, but you shouldn't need more than .5 if you don't take it everyday. If you feel bad, don't smoke. Plain and simple... it might feel like a waste of xanax, but it'll be better than a panic attack. Just get nice and relaxed with your girl... and if you're anxious at all, say fuck it. But if it feels right and you're confidant, take a hit or two and just wait 10 minutes.


With low grade weed there should be no way to have a panic attack on the xanax... but just keep set and setting in mind, if you go into the experience thinking your going to have a bad time, it'll probably happen lol. You pretty much need to treat weed like a psychedelic now... but I'm sure that if you work at it, eventually you'll be back to your old self... carefree and happy.




Good luck man.

 

[TennerPop]

After all you've been through and all the medication you are using, you are considering getting stoned because 'you feel like you're holding her back' ? Weed might well help you but is it really worth the risk? I'd say not. Weed is very unlikely to help with anxiety and will probably make it worse.

Be patient. Try getting a hobby, something you can really put some effort into, progress with and really flourish at. Setting goals and achieving them over a period of time can really help with a positive state of mind. Try eating a healthy diet and exercise 2-3 times a week.

 

[papoose]

All I'm saying is that I know first hand, weed does NOT help! I believe weed is the root to all evil! It's horrible stuff. Your body needs nothing but food and water to survive, so I believe that's all you should give it. Especially when your feeling so fucked up from drugs! He can't be feeling as bad as I did to keep taking these
Concoctions of drugs Xanax whatever. Or he would turn his life style around and make
Things better! I Only know what I have read and sorry if I am wrong