I guess this is where I talk about myself, and what landed me on this forum? Started smoking on the bus stop, in 7th grade to be "cool". Enjoyed the buzz. Smoked til the age of 32 (I'll be 34 next month). Started hitting friend's older sibling's bongs in 7-8th grade, it was never really my thing, but I rode it out, sporadically, until I was around 16. Dabbled in LCD, a bit, but never went on a "trip", at that point. At 16, I started rolling. Dropped out of school, and moved into my own place at 17. Was rolling every Friday/Saturday, and Wednesdays became a tradition. No2 on demand, to pass time. I was to the point where I was taking 4 rolls at first, and following up with 3 more when the peak started to kick in. Doing the math, I must have eaten 600-900 pills. At around the age of 18, when the peaks stopped coming, or didn't last, and the "cracked out" was just getting to be too much, and lasting too long, and after at least two dozen mornings of saying "this is the last time I've doing ecstasy, ever again", I finally followed through with it. At that point, I thought that LCD would be a good way to fill the gap. Prior experiences, it was such a minimalist experience, why not? So, I started tripping every weekend. This went on for about 2 months. The last time I tripped, it was one like I've never experienced before. The hallucinations were beyond surreal. Air was like water, I could make waves by waving my arms. Those waves had scrolling sentences on their outlines. The discussions between myself, and the two others who were also tripping, ended with none of us trusting each other enough to go to sleep, in fear that one, or the other, may kill us. We had group hallucinations. My friend held his arm up in the air, and told us to "look", as he dropped his arm, yet it remained. Needless to say, it was a complete psychotic break, and I've been dealing with the effects, until this day. During the trip, I thought I died, and was talking to God, telepathically, through one of my friends. I was convinced, and still am (whether it was in my head, or not). I still have problems driving. I feel it's safer to drive with my left hand on the wheel, instead of my right, because I feel my right hand is more likely to involuntarily yank it. Involuntary suicide has always been a fear of mine, but I've always had some mental override, that allows me to bury it. To be honest, my ability to bury things and thoughts from that night, and months that followed, was the only thing that's allowed me to cope. I never sought medical help, in fear of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Now, we can fast forward to current times. I am much better, now, considering all things. In 2015, I stole some Xanax from my parent's house. They had a prescription for their dog. I've always had anxiety, so I figured I might as well give it a shot. Lying in bed for 3hrs straight, able to open your eyes at any moment, can be exhausting. I took .5mg for almost a year, with AMAZING results. Every morning, and sometimes at night, if something big was on my mind. Just recently, I've bumped it to 1mg in the morning, and it barely feels more effective, if more, at all, and it seems like I've become even more anxiec, at night. I have noticed, that my drive, ambition, and general "glow", has diminished, since taking Xanax, and I'm wondering if it's worth the trade off.. Just really confused, right now. I hate having an adrenaline rush 24/7, while not taking Xanax. I can't smoke weed. It makes my anxiety 1000% worse. There's clearly so much, I haven't spoken on, spanning 20yrs of my life, so if I've left anything out, that might help you offer advice, don't hesitate to ask.
