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he's not interested in sex anymore

  • Thread starter Thread starter xxxox_julia
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xxxox_julia

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To SLR please.

My bf and I have been together for just about two years now. (We are both 22 years old.) Our relationship is amazing. We never fight. We have similar interests. We love spending time together. But we don't have sex anymore.

For the first year, we had lots of sex. We have both moved a number of times during our relationship. For the first few months, we only saw each other on weekends. We'd have sex maybe four or five times in a weekend. When we moved closer, we would see each other during the week, so we'd have sex once during the week and then more on the weekend. We are back to only seeing each other on weekends now. But we have not had sex in a month. Before, it has been like, once every couple of weeks, now it seems to be not at all (for the past month).

In the first year, he was the one who usually initiated sex. (I did on occasion but it was mostly him.) I like it that way because that's how I got turned on. Now he never initiates sex (like ... ever!). I've tried a couple of times but it is unsuccessful. Either he doesn't get hard or I don't get wet. It sucks!

We've talked about it, he says he just isn't horny anymore. He only wants to have sex when he's high (we have been fairly sober for the past month). I don't like having sex high because I'm too messed up. And we're usually out partying when we're high, so when we get home, I'm messed up and tired! And I don't want to take drugs just to have sex (he'd be up for that but I don't want to do drugs that much, and I don't think we should need drugs to get high!). He says he still loves me, still thinks I'm sexy, etc., all that. So I'm not sure what's up? What I could do to solve things?
 
It is expected that, after dating for a while, you will stop having sex quite as much ... but once a month is not much at all. Maybe you need to try to initiate things more? Maybe go about it in a different way ... switch things up?
 
light touches relax people, leading to sex... works wonders for me. I give my girl foot rubs, massages, kisses on the neck and before you know it BAM weve been dating for a year... we have sex much less often but tbh ive been in a couple long term relationships and I feel that its pretty common for sex to be not as frequent.
 
It is common for the frequency of sex to reduce after the "honeymoon period," but what you have described isn't common what I have gathered. It may very well be normal or due to something insignificant, but the fact that you are concerned warrants it to be classified as an issue. Sex is a bonding, healthy and essential part of most relationships IMO.

Speak to him. Initiate honest, open communication. Is he depressed? Drug use? Could be any number of things. Speak with him, and share your concerns. Tell him exactly how you feel and hopefully he will offer the same in return.

Good luck.
 
how common and consistent are your sexual scenarios? same place, same room, same time of day, etc? is every thing about it completely predictable? how is the "romance" factor in the relationship?

how is his diet? how regularly does he exercise?
 
reply to thread

Thanks for the responses.

I like the idea of massages and stuff. I do expect it to be less frequent but I feel like once a month is not enough!!

He's not depressed but he is more stressed now. He does a lot of drugs ... but like he's always done a lot of drugs since we've been dating.

We both eat healthy. He is working a lot at school so he doesn't have much time but like on the weekends we are often dancing and walking and stuff. We like to cook together.

Time of day for our sex scenarios is different, just whenever we have time. Usually in my bed. I'm not much of a romantic though, he is moreso than I am, but I'm not sure what to do to make it better for him.

Maybe we just need to make things more exciting but I'm not sure how.
 
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He does a lot of drugs? Drugs mess with your libido like a fucker...if he's more of a romantic than you, try some great spontaneous acts, try teasing him a bit more...get him really turned on through the power of suggestion, and touches everywhere through his clothes, and slipping occasionally under, everywhere you can think of besides his dick.
 
This usually means it's the beginning of the end, it's now the slow grind until he works out that he needs to get out. The first time this happens in a relationship both of you can't understand why you aren't into each other any more, but this just how it is for everybody after a while.
 
I don't think it's you or anything you can do, but it's the dynamic between you and him.

In my experience, when a man withdraws sexually he's either:

a. Feeling suffocated and switches off the physical closeness to gain some space
b. Resentful about something and acting it out through rejection
c. No longer interested in expressing his sexuality with you, perhaps because deep down he's not a massively sexual person and was only all over you during the honeymoon phase - so not a sustainable level of interest or arousal.
d. Has a crush on someone else
e. Too drugged up and stressed, in which case it's just a phase and you nagging him or being hurt will only make it worse as his self-esteem is damaged in the process.

Good luck... I've found it impossible to save a relationship when it reaches the stage of feeling constantly rejected, and it might not be worth the damage to your confidence as a sexual being which took a long time and therapy to repair.

In addition, I'd say the fact you never argue might point to the lack of essential tension and friction that can spark things up in the bedroom. You sound more like best friends than lovers, and that would be fine if you were ok with that, but it's a bit much to ask you to settle for this at your age.
 
lola said:
a. Feeling suffocated and switches off the physical closeness to gain some space

c. No longer interested in expressing his sexuality with you, perhaps because deep down he's not a massively sexual person and was only all over you during the honeymoon phase - so not a sustainable level of interest or arousal.
Click to expand...

These 2 ring especially true for me. It's my curse. I guess having access tothe same thing over and over loses its lustre with me, and no matter what I do I can't seem to rekindle that old spark. The only thing that occasionally works (for me) is having a bit of proper space, such as after weeks apart due to work/holidays and things like that. Then it's back to business for a week or so ...

life :(
 
Read "Mating in Captivity", a great book which explains why in some cases too much closeness can actually turn off the sex...

Very briefly, many animals in captivity stop mating, probably because of the over-familiarity issue. So a relationship needs to have enough distance and "otherness"; your partner should retain autonomy and remain mysterious to you, don't try to get to know each other inside out if you want attraction to be maintained, especially when living together.... remember, you can never fully know another human being and blocking all avenues where they can exist without your presence will stifle desire.
 
I can sort of relate to this story, because I used to be in a relationship like this.
What kind of drugs were you both on?
Does the high give him multiple orgasms?

I can give you a solution of switching something up when I read your response.
 
I'm in a similar situation... Except I'm the one less interested.

My wife wants to have sex all the time, and she's very clingy to boot... Sex with her is great! No complaints there, but as soon as I get home, she's up and pretty much won't leave me alone. I can't go into another room without her constantly asking what I'm doing in there, and expressing her displeasure at me not spending ALL of my time at her side.

I'm the type of guy who needs some space, some alone time once a day, no questions asked. This doesn't happen anymore. She thinks that a married couple should do everything together, from making breakfast to making the bed, from shopping to checking the mail. I don't get two minutes to myself.

It's probable that familiarity is the issue, and being around eachother often will kill the desire. It certainly does for me.

We also argue a fair bit, but it's usually out of my frustration in the amount of time we spend together. However, after we figure things out, we will have great makeup sex!

Maybe a bit of tension is just what you need?

Does he seem distant? Do you feel that you both need to be together all the time? I know for me, being around my wife constantly kills any interest I might have in sex. Try taking a weekend to yourself, go out with your girls and leave him home or with some friends. If he texts you, don't give him any details. If he imagines you're out and a shit ton of guys are hitting on you, his interest will return when he starts to think about how he'll show tou why he' worth it... that is if he trusts you and doesn't get all jealous and think you're cheating.

If he doesn't trust you enough to take your word for it, then you've got more issues with him besides a lack of interest.
 
it depends on how much you like sex, if you can go without sex for long periods then stay with him. but if you can't i'd move on to someone who likes sex reguarly.
 
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