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He's Just Not That Into Me?

queenbee1127

queenbee1127

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 13, 2008
Messages
1,051
Location
Denver, CO
I'm going to attempt to summarize this as succinctly as possible....but it's a dating story so who knows :\

I was introduced to this guy at a bar by a mutual friend. He buys me a few drinks, chit chat etc.. I mention something about wanting to go get high, and he mentions he has some bud at his place down the street. We leave, he holds my hand the whole way. Before I leave alone with him, I confirm with my (male) friend that he's a good guy. He is. We get to his place, make a drink, smoke a j and watch a movie. What do you know we end up sleeping together and the next morning when I leave he asks me for my number. I didn't get his.

All week - don't hear from him. Now I'm going nuts so I get his number from our friend. He's excited to hear from me and wants to meet up that night when I head downtown. When I saw him, I asked him why he didn't call and he said he had no good reason he's just an idiot. Go back to his place, bang it out, leave the next morning. He does end up calling me that week, and we make plans for him to come over to my place. It's a weeknight but he ends up spending the night - neither of us talked about it, he just never left.

This pattern carries on for 6 weeks now, meeting up about once a week. Sometimes we get drinks first, sometimes we go to his place, sometimes we go to mine. However, I'm usually the one who initiates it, because I want to get laid. I won't say anything all week, but as soon as 11 o'clock Friday night comes and I've had a few drinks, I want to fuck.

Now I'm just annoyed. I'm fine not being in a relationship with this guy, but I at least want to feel wanted. I just got out of a 4 year relationship so I'm used to having someone around, calling/texting/loving on me.

Everything is telling me to let it go, don't waste my time but I want insight on a few points (and the situation in general):
- when we are together he's all about holding my hand, telling me how sexy I am, spooning in bed and morning sex.
- I asked him how long his longest relationship was, and he goes "uh like a year". He's about to be 28, so to me that's just weird. Is it possible he's just never had a girlfriend and has no idea how to go about it?
- he never initiates anything, but is always responsive and into it when I want to meet up.
- I know I've kind of set the "friends with benefits/bootycall" precedent, but is there anything I can do to change that?
- maybe I'm only into him because I'm on the rebound?

I think it's entirely possible that I've kind of screwed myself and given him what he wants, but a part of me (maybe the naive part?) wants to believe that maybe this guy is just stupid. Guys are stupid, right?

Help me BL <3
 
it can be really hard to guess just from describing the situation. its possible hes not interested in anything other than hooking up, or maybe hes just playing it safe because he doesnt know what you want from him. if you want more than friends with benefits, maybe try to hang out more often.

to be honest, the easiest thing is to just talk to him, if you can have sex, you can have a conversation lol. it may be hard, but it will clear everything up on both sides, and you will know for sure where this is leading and what he wants.

just about anything is possible, dont play games and make what you want clear, dont change your attitude and make it confusing. talk talk talk. no reason to beat around the bush

good luck
 
so the only times you guys talk is when you're in person and having sex?

FWB. there's no relationship here. decide if you'd rather be a FWB and get steady sex or risk losing it for a slim chance at a relationship
 
when we are together he's all about holding my hand, telling me how sexy I am, spooning in bed and morning sex.
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It makes the sex better. How can you possibly enjoy sex if you get up and act like you don't know the person afterwards? Unfortunately if he's not really interested during the rest of the week, he's probably just doing it because, well, it's nice to sort of feel connected to the person you're banging, even if you don't, soberly, for whatever reason.

Now, is he afraid of commitment/relationships; is he just a selfish cunt? We don't know and nobody can possibly say that, plus you've only known him for six weeks.

I asked him how long his longest relationship was, and he goes "uh like a year". He's about to be 28, so to me that's just weird. Is it possible he's just never had a girlfriend and has no idea how to go about it?
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It happens all the time! It's also possible that his longest relationship really was only a year long.

he never initiates anything, but is always responsive and into it when I want to meet up.
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Possibly nervous, possibly just lazy. Why not ask?

I know I've kind of set the "friends with benefits/bootycall" precedent, but is there anything I can do to change that?
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"I'm looking for a relationship, not casual sex. Which dwarf are you?"

maybe I'm only into him because I'm on the rebound?
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Let's take a look at the evidence:

I at least want to feel wanted. I just got out of a 4 year relationship so I'm used to having someone around, calling/texting/loving on me.
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It can be hard to be single! Obviously you miss the lifestyle you had, I would too.

The thing is, selfishness is usually the result of an unconscious, easy, passive "choice". It's the non-choosing option. Selfish is usually a long list of things you don't do. So it's not mutually exclusive with "just stupid", in a way stupid and selfish are the same thing, and there's no telling what precisely is going on here. You try for a little while, if it doesn't go anywhere, you move on. You are afraid you've "given him what he wants", but nobody actually wants to be lazy, they just don't have the gumption to live some other way.

You can try to tell him that, but it never works, believe me.

It's possible he's not looking to be in a relationship. If so, that's basically that, you either move on or don't. It's also possible he's afraid of being in a relationship, which, hint: "guys are stupid" doesn't make you seem less intimidating. ^,~
 
Go about your day to day stuff, if you need to get laid -phone him. Or phone him and ask him if he fancies doing something that doesn't end up with you having sex, try it again a few days later (so that he isn't automatically expecting sex afterwards). Rinse and repeat and see if he is still keen on meeting you, see if he becomes closer to you asks you stuff about you etc.

He could just be really lazy / stupid (hence the longest relationship was 1 year) - sounds like if you want (need atm) more from this guy than sex your going to have to train him or work for it.
 
It's also possible he's afraid of being in a relationship, which, hint: "guys are stupid" doesn't make you seem less intimidating. ^,~
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Okay, I meant this more as "guys are clueless", not necessarily stupid. If he really has never been in a serious relationship then I'm hoping that's the reason for his lack of initiative.
 
He sounds like a Pisces or Cancer guy. Is he?

Anyway, I've found that when you fuck a guy right after you meet him, that's it. :(
 
He didn't call you most likely because he wasn't interested in you. You called him and threw sex at him. He's a guy, and most will not turn down sex especially if they don't have to put effort in to get it. If he wanted a relationship it would have happened. You have two choices settle for just sex or move on to someone who you don't have to second guess. Do you really want to start a relationship with insecurities?
 
imo he is NOT interested in anything except sexual encounters...if anything. Please forget about this guy!!!
 
Bearlove said:
Go about your day to day stuff, if you need to get laid -phone him. Or phone him and ask him if he fancies doing something that doesn't end up with you having sex, try it again a few days later (so that he isn't automatically expecting sex afterwards). Rinse and repeat and see if he is still keen on meeting you, see if he becomes closer to you asks you stuff about you etc.

He could just be really lazy / stupid (hence the longest relationship was 1 year) - sounds like if you want (need atm) more from this guy than sex your going to have to train him or work for it.
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Agreed.

If you want something more - text/call him to see if he wants to go out and do something - dinner, movies, etc. Keep in mind that this sounds like a guy who is never going to be the one to initiate anything. If this continues, you're going to have to make the first move for everything.
You could also just use him for sex as it seems like it has been. Go out, meet new guys, and then stop seeing him once you find a guy who is interested in more than that.
 
So you have to call him, he never initiates anything? Maybe if you quit calling him he might just call you. I'm old-school though, I would feel awkward if I had to call first all the time. You are just getting to know him so slow it down a bit. Having sex every time you see him could be sending him the wrong signals.

If you want to change the booty-call status, you'll have to find a way to talk to him about it. It seems like you're getting feelings for this guy and it's inevitable in fwb situations. If he's not open to it, listen to your friends who say it's time to back off. You may find you want completely different things.
 
Really hard to really hard to make any conclusions with this information. Couple of questions so could understand the guy better:)

Does he seem like a passive in other ways and with other things in his life or just with contacting you? If he seems like a passive/'lazy', he might have some personal issues ranging from depression to being shy or having low self esteem and that's why having hard time contacting/meeting you. Some guys are shy inside even they've learned to be around people comfortably or even seem easily be center of attention, but when it comes to really meeting someone just two of you they'll have awkward/insecure feelings which makes contacting someone feel uncomfortable. But when contacted feel encouraged to say yes.

And of course, it's possible he is just not into you, but what you have told I don't feel like that. Like you say, having 1 year as longest relationship sounds interesting. He seems happy being without girlfriend? How he feels when you spend time together? What he talks about? Does he ask about you and your life? If you ask personal questions, how he reacts? Does he like to talk about himself and his life?

Is he good looking? Sexy? Decent sized dick? Sorry about these, if too personal just ignore.

When you wake up, what kind 'energy' he has? Joking/Laughing when you wake up? Serious/quiet? Really close physically? After sex/when not having sex, does he touch you actively or just hold you? Is he more close or more distant after sex? Does he seem relaxed when you together? Does he have a lot of male friends? How he is seen within his social circles?

Hopefully you can answer some of these and I'll try to give you as accurate opinion I can :)
 
YaBa said:
Really hard to really hard to make any conclusions with this information. Couple of questions so could understand the guy better:)

Does he seem like a passive in other ways and with other things in his life or just with contacting you?
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Kind of, he just seems to be a go with the flow kind of guy. But we have talked about how we're both the oldest child in our families and how we both exhibit those typical qualities, but I don't see them in him that much. I, on the other hand, am a complete first born down to a T.

He seems happy being without girlfriend? How he feels when you spend time together? What he talks about? Does he ask about you and your life? If you ask personal questions, how he reacts? Does he like to talk about himself and his life?
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When I asked him about his longest relationship, he didn't really elaborate on why, and I didn't push. He did mention that he should "probably grow up" with his relationships though. He's old enough that his friends are getting married, and his roommate has a serious girlfriend, so i just wonder why the girlfriend thing hasn't clicked with him. If I ask him questions, he answers and asks me the same (he asked me how long my longest relationship was and I don't know how he felt when I said 4 years), but he doesn't really talk about himself all that much.

Is he good looking? Sexy? Decent sized dick?
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Yes, yes, and yes. I definitely enjoy having sex with him.

When you wake up, what kind 'energy' he has? Joking/Laughing when you wake up? Serious/quiet? Really close physically? After sex/when not having sex, does he touch you actively or just hold you? Is he more close or more distant after sex? Does he seem relaxed when you together? Does he have a lot of male friends? How he is seen within his social circles?
Click to expand...

Every time that we have spent the night together, we kind of spoon and cuddle and have morning sex, and then lay together some more and fall back asleep, rinse and repeat - it's not like either of us wakes up and leaves right away. He will rub my back and touch me all over and say how soft my skin is. I don't really know if he's more close or distant. He seems relaxed, definitely not uptight or anything. He has a lot of friends, he has been in several of his friends weddings recently, and has several friends from childhood that he's still close with. I don't know how he's seen by them - I'm assuming favorably if he's in their weddings- but we don't really hang out with each others friends, we meet up after being out with our respective friends and then go home together.
 
queenbee1127 said:
I'm going to attempt to summarize this as succinctly as possible....but it's a dating story so who knows :\

I was introduced to this guy at a bar by a mutual friend. He buys me a few drinks, chit chat etc.. I mention something about wanting to go get high, and he mentions he has some bud at his place down the street. We leave, he holds my hand the whole way. Before I leave alone with him, I confirm with my (male) friend that he's a good guy. He is. We get to his place, make a drink, smoke a j and watch a movie. What do you know we end up sleeping together and the next morning when I leave he asks me for my number. I didn't get his.

All week - don't hear from him. Now I'm going nuts so I get his number from our friend. He's excited to hear from me and wants to meet up that night when I head downtown. When I saw him, I asked him why he didn't call and he said he had no good reason he's just an idiot. Go back to his place, bang it out, leave the next morning. He does end up calling me that week, and we make plans for him to come over to my place. It's a weeknight but he ends up spending the night - neither of us talked about it, he just never left.

This pattern carries on for 6 weeks now, meeting up about once a week. Sometimes we get drinks first, sometimes we go to his place, sometimes we go to mine. However, I'm usually the one who initiates it, because I want to get laid. I won't say anything all week, but as soon as 11 o'clock Friday night comes and I've had a few drinks, I want to fuck.

Now I'm just annoyed. I'm fine not being in a relationship with this guy, but I at least want to feel wanted. I just got out of a 4 year relationship so I'm used to having someone around, calling/texting/loving on me.

Everything is telling me to let it go, don't waste my time but I want insight on a few points (and the situation in general):
- when we are together he's all about holding my hand, telling me how sexy I am, spooning in bed and morning sex.
- I asked him how long his longest relationship was, and he goes "uh like a year". He's about to be 28, so to me that's just weird. Is it possible he's just never had a girlfriend and has no idea how to go about it?
- he never initiates anything, but is always responsive and into it when I want to meet up.
- I know I've kind of set the "friends with benefits/bootycall" precedent, but is there anything I can do to change that?
- maybe I'm only into him because I'm on the rebound?

I think it's entirely possible that I've kind of screwed myself and given him what he wants, but a part of me (maybe the naive part?) wants to believe that maybe this guy is just stupid. Guys are stupid, right?

Help me BL <3
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This made me laugh. You are very honest with yourself. I think he's just looking for sex and hugs, it's hard to reset the fwb situation and I don't see any effort from him which makes me think if he wanted a relationship he would be on it more often and put more time and emotion into it
 
I dunno. I've had bootycalls turn into relationships. There was a guy I was seeing for a long time, and he worked 100+ hours a week. I'd send him a text, "Joshua, wanna get drunk and fuck?" "Well, yea." "Be right over!"

Fell in love eventually, and was invited to move to Chicago with him but I waited sooo long because I wasn't sure if he wanted me with him because he was lonely, or if he wanted me to move with him because he LOVED me. He did. I fucked it up...

So.... just saying, it's possible.
 
Haha, all answers were 'normal' without really hinting too much to either direction. So at least I can't really tell what's the problem.

Maybe it sounds bit like he might not be that into you, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he couldn't be. I mean that if guy really is into someone, you would think that at least sometimes he makes initiative. It sounds also that he might not be easiest guy to deal with since he's not giving up too much about himself. I mean if he don't really talk about himself, but gives conflicting signals by not contacting but still being willingly spend time together. Also having 1 year as longest relationship, especially when being good looking sounds bit unusual.

But well, hard to say. If I were you, I probably wouldn't put all my eggs in this basket. Hopefully you can figure it out:)
 
I saw him this weekend; included him on a snap chat at the club and immediately get a text, "where are you?"....asks me over and over to come down to where he is, says he will pay for my cab, but I ended up making him take a cab to me. Boy wanted to get laid. (Weird side note: I asked him a few weeks ago if he was sleeping with anyone else, and he said no).

Okay, so if I'm going to talk to him and try to feel it out, what do I say that gets the message across but doesn't sound crazy?

What have you said, or what would make the situation clear to you?
 
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