Heroin Will Eat Your Soul

[laughingdead]

So, I was on an old post of some website.. maybe this one and someone said "heroin will eat your soul." I don't know if I believe in the soul... but if I did I might believe that were true in many ways.

I got back on the stuff this past fall. I felt food because I hadn't used for the stuff for years. I was so totally in control. Half a bag was hitting me and I always said...I'll get my homework done before I do any. I'll only do it at night. Only every other day. Only these days etc. I bought a bun and it lasted me almost two weeks!

After that I bought 3 buns. They lasted me about a month. I felt good and in control with money to spend. Then one day I decided I'd take a break as I was doing a lot. I felt sick to my stomach, restless, nauseous, and all those other terrible things. I chalked it up to a fever. But I started to suspect and I did a line to see. All of the sudden I felt golden... beautiful... perfect and cured. I couldn't believe it... here as this fcking physical addiction coming to bite me in the face. My beautiful heroin was laughing at me.

I got my husband to try it. He liked it but didn't think it was anything special. I came clean about the physiological addiction avoiding mentioning how hopelessly psychological gone I was. I asked him to administer it slowly to me until I could get off of it. He would hide it. But I would go insane and find it consuming way more than I needed to in order to come down and needing to buy more. Suddenly I didn't have money anymore. I had to take money from places I would rather not... cash in things I'd rather not.

Now... I think... I should get off of the shit... but how do I explain it... I KNOW I need to leave it behind. At least for now. I'm only snorting at the moment and I say I won't go back to needles. The thing is... my brain is so mixed up from the stuff... less so than other things you could do... but I am messed up in the head. Each time I buy I say it will be my last. I can't ration. I'm up to about a bun a day even though I always say I'll take less.

What is my point to all this? A big rant... about how messed up my head is. I am a good student and I have standards. I can't make the jump to leave it. I've beaten for the most part the physical part. I can now go days without it.... but it's all I think about. All I think about is ways to find money to get more. My head is empty except when it's buried in a book. My husband resents my addiction. I resent it. I think it's stupid.

I never felt happiness, oneness, wholeness. When I have got it in my possession, I feel semblances of those things. That's my problem. I am supposed to replace the old vice with a new habit. Yet there is nothing that makes me feel whole. I could meditate... I could exercise... I could do so many things and yet I won't ever feel in the loving embrace of the universes grasp like I do with her.

So to everyone who asks... Isn't it just self-control? That addiction stuff is about will power or it's a myth when talking about opiates... I always thought the same. I don't think this post will deter anyone. If anything it might be triggering. I just needed to put it out there. There is still hope for me yet... I can still be redeemed.

 

[HdoubleODeezy]

I feel you on all that.
That was me in '07, now its '14 and only been clean a year.. all those years WASTED.

My life was never in my control, now it is but have forgot how to control it since it has been so long.

I struggle everyday (the cravings are gone, but the memories remain) my mind state has deteriorated but i will overcome these obstacles and grab the wheel and put my life back in my hands and re-learn the controls.

But for now, i have isolated myself from regular life until i can figure out my next move, but the question is.. what is my next move? and when do i make it?

I donno anymore.. in a way i appreciate the feelings it used to give me so i dont completely regret doing it, but in a way i wish i never put myself in the position to start it.

 

[herbavore]

So to everyone who asks... Isn't it just self-control? That addiction stuff is about will power or it's a myth when talking about opiates... I always thought the same. I don't think this post will deter anyone. If anything it might be triggering. I just needed to put it out there. There is still hope for me yet... I can still be redeemed.

Will power is certainly needed but it will not work over the long haul. There is so much to untangle--what does it give you and how can you get that from healthy sources? Some of it I think just comes down to pure choice. Maybe it makes you feel "whole" but at what expense? Lying to and hiding from those that love you and lying to yourself? Sacrificing control over your life? Sacrificing your health? Feeling owned? At some point the choice to feel whole and happy and content with life (for how long?) starts sounding like a pretty self destructive choice.

I don't think you can escape the spiritual component of "never feeling whole" or connected or happy; and by spiritual I do not mean religious or even believing in a deity (I don't). I mean being connected to a larger world outside of your own feeling of happiness or unhappiness. For me it is a connection to nature and my sense of time here on the planet. I work with kids and I see when they stop feeling that easy to come by joy in just being--it happens around first grade when they start realizing that other people have opinions about them. Acceptance becomes everything and the most sensitive suffer the most. But if you can remember your way back to that place where you were a little explorer, a natural artist and every day you felt at home in your body, you can begin to see how we are all giving this away over our lifetimes. We don't have to.

Learning to live a balanced life inside is really the human struggle. It isn't one that you beat and poof! you are balanced. It is a steady, slow learning. Unhappiness and disconnection and uncertainty are really just moments along the way as are the moments of joy.

I think that it is very powerful that you have written what you wrote. You wanted to tell yourself the truth and you wanted to say it in a safe place. I applaud your honesty and your will to confront this. There is always hope until the day you die and even then, who knows--maybe the path continues?.

 

[thedawn]

i have also been where you are right now and it's painful.
there are ways to get free from heroin and make your mind stop telling u to use it.

you did the right thing by reaching out on blue light.
posters like the above one and others are very good and experienced and have helped
me fight suicidal thoughts.

they say in,i think it was AA,that heroin is just a symptom.
that it's not really the drug itself that it's about but rather a deeper,more complex problem.

self-medicating depression with heroin in example i think illustrates the above.

my experience tells me that there really is nothing to gain from using heroin.
it will fuck you up beyond the thinkable and make your life difficult.
in all sorts of ways.

it might be a good idea to really look at your FEELINGS.
examine them with a therapist or something like that.

like,what started this mess?
why am i really using?
am i masking despair with drugs?
things like that.

i don't think it's wise for me personally to give any advice anymore.
recent experience has shown that my words don't mean shit when it counts.
yeah,i will continue on here,but this is just the internet.

good luck.

 

[laughingdead]

I feel you on all that.
That was me in '07, now its '14 and only been clean a year.. all those years WASTED.

My life was never in my control, now it is but have forgot how to control it since it has been so long.

I struggle everyday (the cravings are gone, but the memories remain) my mind state has deteriorated but i will overcome these obstacles and grab the wheel and put my life back in my hands and re-learn the controls.

But for now, i have isolated myself from regular life until i can figure out my next move, but the question is.. what is my next move? and when do i make it?

I donno anymore.. in a way i appreciate the feelings it used to give me so i dont completely regret doing it, but in a way i wish i never put myself in the position to start it.

The memories remain... I know about that. That's what made me fall again after five years off of it. I mean I did other stuff but I was off of the H. That and I ran into an old buddy who hooked me up with this guy. I even remember when I was working at the doctors office that I had put on Whitney Houston and this patient came in and said "Turn that shit off. Whitney Houston is a no good drug addict" I felt so far-removed from addiction when he said that... That was last year maybe?

If you need someone to talk to, I wouldn't mind having a friend.

I appreciate the feelings of creativity and peace that it gives me. Growing up the way I did I never had peace. I was always scared and I knew I couldn't turn to anyone. It's hard to shake those feelings even as an adult.

Anyways... I'd like to know more about you and I'd like to know when that next move comes what will it be.

Feel free to PM me.

 

[laughingdead]

Will power is certainly needed but it will not work over the long haul. There is so much to untangle--what does it give you and how can you get that from healthy sources? Some of it I think just comes down to pure choice. Maybe it makes you feel "whole" but at what expense? Lying to and hiding from those that love you and lying to yourself? Sacrificing control over your life? Sacrificing your health? Feeling owned? At some point the choice to feel whole and happy and content with life (for how long?) starts sounding like a pretty self destructive choice.

I don't think you can escape the spiritual component of "never feeling whole" or connected or happy; and by spiritual I do not mean religious or even believing in a deity (I don't). I mean being connected to a larger world outside of your own feeling of happiness or unhappiness. For me it is a connection to nature and my sense of time here on the planet. I work with kids and I see when they stop feeling that easy to come by joy in just being--it happens around first grade when they start realizing that other people have opinions about them. Acceptance becomes everything and the most sensitive suffer the most. But if you can remember your way back to that place where you were a little explorer, a natural artist and every day you felt at home in your body, you can begin to see how we are all giving this away over our lifetimes. We don't have to.

Learning to live a balanced life inside is really the human struggle. It isn't one that you beat and poof! you are balanced. It is a steady, slow learning. Unhappiness and disconnection and uncertainty are really just moments along the way as are the moments of joy.

I think that it is very powerful that you have written what you wrote. You wanted to tell yourself the truth and you wanted to say it in a safe place. I applaud your honesty and your will to confront this. There is always hope until the day you die and even then, who knows--maybe the path continues?.

I see a psychologist which is free with my tuition which is also free because of financial aid. Yes! If I were to get arrested (actually convicted) I would have to forfeit my financial aid and even pay it back. Anyways... For me it is definitely spiritual. I have spent my whole life searching for magic and enchantment. I am obsessed with different cultures and their connections to nature. I consider myself a good person who got caught in a shitty circumstance and couldn't rise above it ...at least not yet.

" I had a conception of life that no experience would ever erase, a predilection for what was real that no argument could ever gainsay, a sense of the world that was mine and mine alone, a notion as to what life meant that no education could ever alter, a conviction that the meaning of living came only when one was struggling to wring a meaning out of meaningless suffering." <--- I have loved this quote since I was about twelve. Richard Wright wrote the book Black Boy which I identified with on a very personal level even though our stories are totally different.

I agree with your post. One of the few things that used to make me feel normal was when I was doing martial arts. I went for three hours a day and went to the gym for another hour or so. I was tired afterwards and somewhat at peace. Maybe I could try that again... although it's A LOT of time. Unfortunately in this country martial arts schools require contracts and are so damn expensive.

Sorry if my post is all over the place. My head is still not exactly together

 

[laughingdead]

I know the problem has more to do with my anger issues and my own sense of self-worth. I KNOW that I am the way I am in a big way because it was hard for me growing up... not to say that my life was so bad but I spent a big portion of it in a sort of dark isolation.

I just don't know how to fix those things even seeing a psychologist.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it.

 

[RedLeader]

Heroin is paradoxical in that it's rather benign and yet extremely terrible at the same time. And you don't really understand this paradox until you've been through war with it. And I think for a lot of people, myself included, it was the first one to truly destroy our lives (functioning drug user/addict to rock-bottom). So it eats your soul in the sense that it completely dominates you in a way that no other drug has, makes you question your self-worth and values, and so on. Part of the pain comes from the way that society treats it, yes, but it's also extremely addictive on its own and it's very hard to stop even in the best of settings.

You can stop and never use again. It's absolutely possible. It's just extremely difficult and requires tons and tons of hard work, discipline and soul-searching.

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

gota hit a bottom imo,or something has to click,ive been a boozer junkie since 06 .homless,hep c ,dropped out of college you n ame t,felonies. and im still fucking around...and im only 26 ..its just goes to show you the insanity of what we are dealing , its a scary scary thing

 

[megawoof]

I feel your pain despite losing all most everything to heroin I still cant stop gravitating to this substance myself the mere fact you now are reaching out is important and wish you all the best

 

[laughingdead]

I just want to say that I am not anti-drugs. I am not anti-heroin. In fact I feel the drug has many benefits. My problem is not really drugs... because I can go time without it. It is the empty feeling... the lack of connectedness... the awkwardness that drives me to mask them.

I first tried opiates at age 11 around the time that I developed a debilitating depression that lasted for a very long time. I loved them more than anything. It's been an on and off relationship that I never expect to end. I would just like to find a way to feel connected and inspired... content... that doesn't require a substance. I'd like to find it within myself.

That is what I mean by redeeming.

gota hit a bottom imo,or something has to click,ive been a boozer junkie since 06 .homless,hep c ,dropped out of college you n ame t,felonies. and im still fucking around...and im only 26 ..its just goes to show you the insanity of what we are dealing , its a scary scary thing

What's your bottom?

Do you believe that drugs are inherently bad or that you yourself haven't been able to control your life? Hence the problems you named?

I am genuinely curious.

Heroin is paradoxical in that it's rather benign and yet extremely terrible at the same time. And you don't really understand this paradox until you've been through war with it. And I think for a lot of people, myself included, it was the first one to truly destroy our lives (functioning drug user/addict to rock-bottom). So it eats your soul in the sense that it completely dominates you in a way that no other drug has, makes you question your self-worth and values, and so on. Part of the pain comes from the way that society treats it, yes, but it's also extremely addictive on its own and it's very hard to stop even in the best of settings.

You can stop and never use again. It's absolutely possible. It's just extremely difficult and requires tons and tons of hard work, discipline and soul-searching.

I am a person who believes in science to a large extent... and I have my beliefs about the interconnectedness of all things... also related to science. I only mentioned the soul because I have been thinking about it lately.

Also, the obsessive thoughts that heroin brings on feel as if they are consuming you. All you can think about is where to get more. Although they have been getting better in the last couple of days. I am still using. I want to space it out more. It seems to funny that I am such an advocate for drugs. I believe they are a wonderful thing that has helped society in many ways, and help us to gain an understanding of topics that may be out of our comfort zone.

But every once in a while I cross over to addict land. It seems to be when I'm feeling restless, and unsure of what will come next.

I don't actually want to stop. At least not now. I want to find balance in my life, and light within myself.

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

i dont even know wat my bnootom is, you would think ending up living with your mom at age 26,no schooling or job experience ,hepc,felon,and not having a girlfriend in 2+ years,and waking up with DTs everyday would be enough....maybe it will take the dr telling me your going to die in 6 months, or rob a pharmacy and go to prison. or ill die. i dont blame drugs,i blame myself for being such a pussy cuzi cant man up and get my shit straight..i think im almost ready thouhg

walking around in hawaii everyday you see alot of beautiful women, thats motivaton enough

 

[laughingdead]

i dont even know wat my bnootom is, you would think ending up living with your mom at age 26,no schooling or job experience ,hepc,felon,and not having a girlfriend in 2+ years,and waking up with DTs everyday would be enough....maybe it will take the dr telling me your going to die in 6 months, or rob a pharmacy and go to prison. or ill die. i dont blame drugs,i blame myself for being such a pussy cuzi cant man up and get my shit straight..i think im almost ready thouhg

walking around in hawaii everyday you see alot of beautiful women, thats motivaton enough

I am 23 and live with my parents. I don't think living with your parents is a big deal. Maybe the first thing you could work on would be job experience. Obviously in your situation holding down a job will be hard. Why don't you try volunteer work a few times a week. You'll feel better about yourself... you won't be expected to show up at a certain hour all the time and you'll get references to get a job.

I think it's worth a try.

 

[Kbaka187]

Werewolf barmitzva! Spooky scary. Boys becoming men.... Men becoming wolves!

 

[Kbaka187]

Anyway... I find ppl get so wrapped up in comparing themselves to others. Being 26 and living at home sucks and I know bc I'm in that situation and all the other stuff sounds pretty gnarly but ur so young and have your whole life ahead of you if you really want to get your shit together and live. If you haven't learned your lesson after all that idk what it will take but you can't ever give up dude. Seek out new ways to get help. Fuck it, contact Tham Krobak or whatever that Thai Buddhist Monastary is that takes ppl I'm free and supposedly has the highest success rate in the world.

 

[burn out]

I first tried opiates at age 11 around the time that I developed a debilitating depression that lasted for a very long time. I loved them more than anything. It's been an on and off relationship that I never expect to end. I would just like to find a way to feel connected and inspired... content... that doesn't require a substance. I'd like to find it within myself.

Yeah who wouldn't? Happiness, wholeness, contentment, heaven. That is pretty much the holy grail of human existence. WHo doesn't want that? I believe there is a way to get there, it is called the spiritual path. St. Augustine said that our hearts were restless and would not feel restful until they came to rest in God. That is how it is in my experience. Only the problem is that becoming enlightened or one with God is the challenge of a lifetime. It's not just something you do in a weekend retreat or something. Because of that, it is very tempting to take a short cut like heroin where all you need to do is put the drug in your body and you're there, but only for a few hours. I am a heroin addict myself, I am just posting this because I feel it is my obligation to let you know that what you really desire is not impossible, it is just not as quick or easy as dope.

 

[Kbaka187]

Lol I never posted that quote above

 

[Oxy_Ghost]

I started on oxycodone and for the whole month of February(of this year) I started bangin H. It was the best highs I've ever had and yeah I believe it will eat your soul. It sucks you in hard and fast. I was only doing half a point a day, some times a whole point but I'm glad I got out before it got too bad even though my oxy use was already bad. I'm currently going on 5 days clean! And I'm proud of myself