Hello all. I am in the most miserable and desperate part of my life i hope to ever reach, I am for my second time, attempting to kick heroin.
This time i am 100x more prepared to kick than i was the first time, where i simply flew out of state cold turkey for 5 days, then scored the second i got home.
This time i have a two week taper plan, and medicine, and the support of my parents. when last time i just went cold off of a gram with no help from medicine or people.
So I am going to skip the story of my first attempt to kick, but i will tell you my use stems from a hate of myself and my life, very much confusion about events growing up, and most of all, intense and unbearable, extreme sleeping problems, that started before drug use. opiates are the only thing that ahve helped me get to sleep that i have tried so far, and i am prescribed ambien.
So as of now, i need a minimum of half a gram to sustain myself for a day and its going up instead of down...
I came clean to my parents a few days ago, i stopped using very shortly actualy i didnt even really stop using. But i came clean to them, and when my WD symptoms started showing, we went to the hospital. There i was given valium and clonodiene and was allowed to call many detox centers.
Very unfortunatly, no heroin showed up in my system, and the doctors told me that most likely means i have been given fentanyl. Due to the lack of opiates showing in my system, i was denied at every detox i called. I couldent stay at the hospital, and i was devastated.
i got home immediatly knowing i couldent do it cold turkey, and the valium would wear off and ide begin to feel like shit.
so i started buying small bags to hold me over, and then i bought a bunch of shit, and i weighed it out into preweighed bags.
i have 7 pre weighed bags, im going to force them to last me two days each, making for a two week taper.
it starts at 0.75, then 0.65, then 0.60, then 0.55, then 0,40, 0.30, then 0.20. so i weighed thsoe up and plan to begin tomorow, and bought a street sac to get me thru tonight.
i feel like the biggest failure in the world. i do hate myself, but i can see that i can make it better, and i dont want to die using heroin.
so after my taper is complete, i have 12 300mg gabapentin i stole from somewhere i can use. can anyone direct me on how i should do that?
i also have a script for ambien, which i plan on taking any time after the last bag is finished, to help with anxiety and sleep and what not.
i have 5htp suppliments. and i have mirtazapine that is prescribed to me.
during this taper i plan on excersizing, no matter how shitty i feel atleast get some in there. those bags starting at 0.75 are bags ide normally do in one day, but i can make them last two with all my will power. (ive never injected)
i was wondering if anyone thinks i should take the mirtazapine starting with the first day of the taper, because it takes about two weeks for it to start working, but i also dont want to combine drugs, so if no one has an answer i will wait until after the last bag to use the mirt.
sorry about the grammar and spelling i am not in a happy place right now, and this is the second time ive had to type this.
i am on D right now, but it doesent make me happy anymore, it makes me feel like a failure. i truly do hate my life right now.
guidance, stories, and plain conversation are appreciated.
also i am gonn hit metings with my dad, but i dont want to start yet because i dont want to collect a chip when im not clean, and they do not know of my start to taper, they think i havnt used since the hospital visit.
i am almost sure if i cant get out of the cycle this attempt, i will end up killing myself at some point. oh what have i done
This time i am 100x more prepared to kick than i was the first time, where i simply flew out of state cold turkey for 5 days, then scored the second i got home.
This time i have a two week taper plan, and medicine, and the support of my parents. when last time i just went cold off of a gram with no help from medicine or people.
So I am going to skip the story of my first attempt to kick, but i will tell you my use stems from a hate of myself and my life, very much confusion about events growing up, and most of all, intense and unbearable, extreme sleeping problems, that started before drug use. opiates are the only thing that ahve helped me get to sleep that i have tried so far, and i am prescribed ambien.
So as of now, i need a minimum of half a gram to sustain myself for a day and its going up instead of down...
I came clean to my parents a few days ago, i stopped using very shortly actualy i didnt even really stop using. But i came clean to them, and when my WD symptoms started showing, we went to the hospital. There i was given valium and clonodiene and was allowed to call many detox centers.
Very unfortunatly, no heroin showed up in my system, and the doctors told me that most likely means i have been given fentanyl. Due to the lack of opiates showing in my system, i was denied at every detox i called. I couldent stay at the hospital, and i was devastated.
i got home immediatly knowing i couldent do it cold turkey, and the valium would wear off and ide begin to feel like shit.
so i started buying small bags to hold me over, and then i bought a bunch of shit, and i weighed it out into preweighed bags.
i have 7 pre weighed bags, im going to force them to last me two days each, making for a two week taper.
it starts at 0.75, then 0.65, then 0.60, then 0.55, then 0,40, 0.30, then 0.20. so i weighed thsoe up and plan to begin tomorow, and bought a street sac to get me thru tonight.
i feel like the biggest failure in the world. i do hate myself, but i can see that i can make it better, and i dont want to die using heroin.
so after my taper is complete, i have 12 300mg gabapentin i stole from somewhere i can use. can anyone direct me on how i should do that?
i also have a script for ambien, which i plan on taking any time after the last bag is finished, to help with anxiety and sleep and what not.
i have 5htp suppliments. and i have mirtazapine that is prescribed to me.
during this taper i plan on excersizing, no matter how shitty i feel atleast get some in there. those bags starting at 0.75 are bags ide normally do in one day, but i can make them last two with all my will power. (ive never injected)
i was wondering if anyone thinks i should take the mirtazapine starting with the first day of the taper, because it takes about two weeks for it to start working, but i also dont want to combine drugs, so if no one has an answer i will wait until after the last bag to use the mirt.
sorry about the grammar and spelling i am not in a happy place right now, and this is the second time ive had to type this.
i am on D right now, but it doesent make me happy anymore, it makes me feel like a failure. i truly do hate my life right now.
guidance, stories, and plain conversation are appreciated.
also i am gonn hit metings with my dad, but i dont want to start yet because i dont want to collect a chip when im not clean, and they do not know of my start to taper, they think i havnt used since the hospital visit.
i am almost sure if i cant get out of the cycle this attempt, i will end up killing myself at some point. oh what have i done
