Heroin screwed my life up - please help me

PendulumAM

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 27, 2009
Messages
265
Location
New England
Heroin has basically fucked my life up. I started doing it in January 2010 and have been addicted ever since. I am a 20 year old female and a college junior, but I am also having a crisis about college since I want to change my major to nursing but the nursing program in my college is extremely competitive and I have already taken out so many student loans for my education right now. I have no clue who to talk to about this, I was thinking I could transfer to one of those 2 year program schools for nursing from my 4 year university but I really don't know what to do.

Anyway, my boyfriend introduced me to heroin, and I have been using it throughout spring semester 2010, fall semster 2010 and the spring semester of 2011 now. When I went home for the summer and winter breaks in 2010 (home is in a state 1500 miles from my college) I kept withdrawals away with the suboxene my boyfriend is perscribed, so I have basically been hooked on that or dope since last January. We were both arrested for posession of heroin and drug paraphanelia in October 2010, which was how my family found out I was using. They got me a lawyer and I have just been sentenced to pre-trial diversion, which means the charges will be dropped as long as I complete the program with no problems, so that isn't my biggest problem right now. I lied to my family about not being that heavy of a user and they think I am clean right now. All my financial aid for school went to heroin this semester, and after that my boyfriend, me, and 2 of my boyfriends friends resorted to stealing things from peoples yards and pawning it for drug money. This went on for the past 2 months, and now both my boyfriends friends are in jail. One has 4 felony charges including burglary and selling a stolen item to a pawnbroker, and the other had a burglary charge in the beginning of March, got out of jail, and just got locked up again and had his bond revoked (we don't know why, we only know these things because we can look them up).

So right now I see that this lifestyle cant last forever, 2 of the people I have been hanging out with a lot are in jail for some serious charges, and I have no money and am having a crisis about my future. Right now I'm using my boyfriends suboxene to keep withdrawals away. I have a part time job at my college and the semester will be finished by the end of April. I will be a senior in the fall but I wont be able to graduate because I've only been taking 4 classes a semster, and even then I want to change majors and probably schools but have no idea what to do (and there is the problem of all my student loans). Plus, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years but the heroin has basically changed our relationship and we aren't the same. He is all I have down here in college, since I basically alienated all my old friends after I became an addict. I am confused and depressed and scared of the future. Please help.
 
I hate to say this but using with a significant other inevitably will tear your relationship apart. At this point I'd suggest you guys taking some time off - have u had spring break yet ? If not consider going to a detox and trying to get some time away from the chase lifetsyle.
Also - everytime i use i alienate myself also , but my OLD friends are surprisingly there (not all of them, some people I've just burned too much) when I get clean and start on a decent life again. Do you have friends you were close to n the past you could try to reconnect with , explain to them what is going on ? It's very important to have some clean friends around while you are trying to kick and start on recovery. GOod luck.
 
the best thing i can say to you is try to kick, either through a detox or cold turkey it at home. try and take xanax or something to calm you down while going through the withdrawals bc one of the worst side effects is the restlessness and anxiousness.. are you iv using?
 
I have suboxene (I'm not perscribed it, it's my boyfriends) so I'm not going through any withdrawals right now. I feel pretty depressed and really anxious because the end of the school semester is coming up and I have no clue what to do about my future. I haven't chosen any classes or filled out a FAFSA because I don't know what I want to do. Here in Florida, college classes end by the end of April.

My boyfriend and I both want to quit very much now, seeing both of his friends that we used to hang out with almost every day get locked up for serious felony charges this past week has been a huge slap in the face and motivator to quit. But I still feel like we just aren't the same anymore. I don't know what the future holds for us. I literally have no money right now, my parents don't give me money, my job pays shit and the only way I am able to pay for little things like food and gas is by asking strangers for money (which works easier for me than most because I look like an innocent 14 year old girl).
 
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PendulumAM : I hear you on the depressed side - without opiates I have felt so miserable and depressed also. I don't know how long it will take to change this , honestly I am not expecting it any time soon. I guess the only real redeeming thing for me is that I am able to have peace with the fact I won't wake up sick , I dunno about you guys but nothing really stops me from wanting to use , i don't care about overdosing or dieing - we all die - but I hate being physically dependent. It makes me feel so weak. I think that's why i get so depressed @ OP - I hate to say it but I doubt i'll last long w / out opiates - that reality makes me real sad and depresed. Before I tried getting clean I was never this depressed , it's only since I've tried to stay clean that I realize the reality of it and it kicks me in the ass.
I dunno dude , hang in there , you certainly are not alone , it's a tough fucking road.
 
I think it's tempting to look for a magical key that will make you 'click' into recovery, that thought that makes you 'get it' and be able to get clean, or the correct level of motivation or unhappiness with your current life that makes you finally decide to go straight. In reality, I don't think that ever really happens, or at least it never lasts. The unfortunate truth is that quitting plain fucking sucks, and if you want to get clean you'll have to realise that some days will be ratshit, and a lot of the time you wont want to stay off anymore. Some days you wont even be able to get in touch with why you ever wanted to quit in the first place. That's why I find the important thing is to decide to quit, and then that's it. No eneterting into dialogue with yourself about why you decided that, no trying to persuade yourself that your life will be better without drugs. When you start thinking about it, just tell yourself no, because it never leads anywhere productive. I don't think any addict is ever 100% sure that they want to quit. You do have the ability to though. A part of your brain will often want to get high but I find that cravings are born from possibilities, and when you know there's no possibility you're going to get high, an important aspect of the craving is killed.

It might take a few goes and that's cool. It's easy to despair that you've tried so many times and never been succesful, and in that way almost convince yourself that being a druggie is just the way you are, you might as well just go use and deal with it. It's not true though and the 101st time you try and stop may just be the time you stayed stopped forever.
 
Firstly I think you either need to breakup with your boyfriend or take a long break from seeing him.

Because he is doing it that will probably keep pulling you into it.

Also maybe going back home and being totally honest to your family would help alot aswell, sure the withdrawls are going to be a bitch but it will be worth it once your clean and your out of this nightmare.

The effort you put in is rewarded by the result you get out.
 
Now hold on. just because they are both using doesnt mean they cant get clean together. just because your relationship is weird because of the heroin, doesnt mean you cant get to know each other sober. my boyfriend and i interact very differently when were high, but we got clean together and you can learn how to be together without drugs. if he has suboxone, that shows he is trying to stop using dope (if he hasnt already). and you said you both wanna get clean so atleast your on the same page.

back home, we were in the same situation. we got caught using by our families, got "clean" from our DOC (mine was speed, his was dope) managed to somehow do the school thing for a year before it all fell apart and we started stealing from friends and family. we were using the whole time our families thought we were clean. surprisingly it wasnt our DOC that fucked us, it was IV coke. Finally after using together for 2 years, seeing how drugs had changed us, almost getting arrested in the hood, seeing my boyfriend OD, and watching all our friends get arrested made us open our eyes. we had been in the game so long, that the next step was to OD or get arrested.

we decided to take things into our own hands. we told our families that we were fucking up, told them we wanted to go to rehab, and got the fuck out of town. yes your family will be disappointed but they will be proud you came out for help. really, telling your family makes things better. they give you support that you and your boyfriend cant give yourselves. all in all it was the best decision i ever made, telling them. we went to rehab (outpatient too so we could have semi normal lives while going) moved to another town across the country, and got our shit together. we still use occasionally but no more needles and no more coke. the one thing i DO regret is screwing school up, so now instead of being sophomores in college, we have to start all over again because who wants to transfer D's and F's? but now i can start over at least. pick something i really wanna do.

it was hard at first, learning how to function together sober. you have to make some changes and learn how to adjust to new things, but imo it was a HUGE help having my boyfriend there with me. in the end it comes down to how much you really want help, and how much you actually wanna live. having an addiction is no way to live, and if you keep going down this path you know where its going to lead you - jail, homeless, or dead. the hardest thing to remember is where i was headed, because once i got clean i sometimes think "oh once wouldnt hurt" but if i did coke just once, who knows i might go for a needle, and then end up exactly where i was. i miss using alot, and i go through times when i wish i hadnt stopped, where my depression seems to engulf me and just one hit would make it all go away, but you just have to ride it out, let the emotions wash over you because if you dont use it will be over soon. nothing bad will happen if you dont take that hit, but who knows where that one hit could bring you. just try and remember how bad it was, because it wont seem so bad once things are stable.

seriously just tell your family you need help and pray for the best. good luck man. asking for help is the best bet you have. hope all goes well and let us know what you decide. maybe get yourself on a suboxone prescription <3
 
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PendulumAM,
i believe that you know the answer to your predicament. in my estimation the recovery rackets are without any redeeming value . they are just money pits .

cold turkey method works just fine . done it 3 x and managed to not miss a day of work . knocked the stuffing out of me but the third was the charm.

i would have been long dead if i continued to give in to the desire for instant gratification . i did loose most of one lung because of heroin . tried to kill myself with huge ODs and just hit the floor with the rig still in my mainline - too miserable to die !

give the shmutz up girl .
 
GO TO REHAB.

I was in a similar crisis in college and changed from chemistry to psychology. I had to do a year and a half in state as well as rehab and afterwards was able to get 6 years sober. Just skip prison and go directly to rehab, do not pass go, do not collect $200.. because you will only spend it on dope. Do you have health insurance? Just get up and go.
 
^^Agreed with Bojangles

Heroin screwed up 10000000's of peoples lives, including mine. It can be temporarily though. If you do something about it sooner rather than later. It gets harder the longer you leave it!

Wishing you all the best! :)
 
PendulumAm, your still young and have a future, it's not advisable to rely on a partner to keep you fixed up. Possibly your best option is to seek help from whatever agency is local and appropriate then maybe you can at least become stable on whatever substitute that works for you.
Believe me before you know it a decade will fly by and you could be left with just regrets and bad memories.
 
I didnt have time to read everything, but I do have one thing to say right now very quickly mid pizza. Some advice:

Please go get prescribed suboxone immediately. If you are thinking about going into healthcare you will most likely be drug tested, around drugs (and irresponsible regarding them) and have peoples lives potentially in your hands. But the 2nd and 3rd things aside: you will probably be drug tested.

If you come up positive for any jams, whether its sub, oxy, heroin, etc, you will be in quite the precarious position career wise. You may lose your job, short term or long term, and then those student loans you have taken out will be a much more difficult task to attack. And shit if your life is in the balance of being a bad bad junkie or possibly getting clean, well losing your job is most likely not going to push the scales towards the clean side....nor will it financially help you get clean either, or social support. Or just plain ol' somethin to do (job) to occupy your mind during that.

So, if you are at least legally prescribed the suboxone, your career is not at risk.

This isn't even delving into any other aspects or issues that opiates present to your life. There are hundreds of them and I dont need to list them; everyone knows what they are. But this is an issue that is specific to you right now, and I hope that it hits home with you a little bit; bit of extra kick for ya, extra incentive.
 
I am in a very similar situation as you. I also am a junior in college, I am just now getting clean. I used for the past two years, like you did the suboxone thing for a good 4 or 5 months then started using again. There is not simple fix to this, but I can tell you what I am doing and I believe that I might be someone that you can talk to if needed. #1 You need a major lifestyle change, you need to get some kind of help. This is the most important thing, because with using three things happen, you get locked up, buried up, or get clean. Now if you feel that you simply cannot handle getting clean and school then you might need to take a semester off to focus on your mental and physical health, because without this you dont have much of a future anyway. If you have any questions about methadone, suboxone, or cold turkey ask me because I have been through all three and depending or your situation I can advise you which one would be right for you. #2 Loose that boyfriend. I know it's hard, you may or may not love him but he sounds like he will not have positive anything for your future. I know you said that you are along down there so it is easy to turn to him, but maybe you should learn to be okay with yourself before you are okay with someone else. You can make new friends, ones that don't have a negative past. Meetings are a good way to meet people that are going through similar problems as you, and can besomeone to call when your having a rough time.#3 the school thing. It sounds like you are a productive person with a good positive drive that fell on hard times. Giving up is an option, but you have gone this far, and you really will benifit with a college education in these times. Whether you want to continue your major, thats something you need to think about and do some serious soul searching. But to me it sounds like the most important thing is getting clean right not, then sort out the other things when your in a better place. #4 The money, this can be a tricky one but you did say you had a job. Once you stop using it can be quite shocking how much money you start to actually save once it isn't going to a $xx.xx amount a day habit, most places also have payment plans with their programs. Im sorry, there is alot to cover here and I hope that some of what I said helped. Like I said I am going through alot of the same things you are so PM me if you wanna talk, or have questions. Take it one day at a time hun.
 
You two cannot be together. Go to detox and/or see a doctor for your own suboxene. Good luck, please keep your head up girl!
 
Right now I am also completely broke. My bank account is in the negative, I have to pay rent soon and my electricity has already been shut off because $200 is owed to the company, and I cant even return the rental car I got (paid for by the insurance of the woman who hit me in an accident) because I don't have enough money to fill the gas tank. I am depressed and fucked and still have no clue what to do about college. Taking a semester to figure out everything would be nice but then my student loans would probably be fucked.
 
Honestly I think college is the least of your concerns with now. I would focus on getting off the dope cause if you dont everrything is gonna crumble right underneath your feet.

It actually sounds as though it already is. Its time to save your life.
 
I got addicted in my last year of college...that was 13 years ago. So I got my bachelor degree but didn't sort out my addiction. I'm still with my college boyfriend and heroin is still an issue in our lives.

Please learn from my mistakes- college can wait. THE most important thing you need to do right now is work out how to quit.

BTW a college degree is useless if you're also addicted.
 
Heroin has basically fucked my life up. I started doing it in January 2010 and have been addicted ever since. I am a 20 year old male and a college junior.

^this is me. We have the same exact story, minus some of the arrests and boyfriend. But everything else is the same; I definitely feel your pain.

I kept withdrawals away with the suboxene my boyfriend is perscribed, so I have basically been hooked on that or dope since last January. I lied to my family about not being that heavy of a user and they think I am clean right now.

I'm stuck on this circular cycle of using, then staying well on suboxone. In the beginning, well, there wasn't much of one because my addiction Skyrocketed off the bat. Now, I use maybe every other weekend, but I just cannot cannot cannot for the life of me get opiates out of my mind and body. I have no choice but to buy my subs off the street (no medical insurance, never had any). It's not expensive for me as I take a pretty low dosage every day, 2-3mg, but it's still not cheap per-say.

Oh, and the lying hurts the worst. Maybe if you ask them, tell them your story from the bottom of your heart and ask them to help you get clean, I'm sured they would have the sympathy to help you. They are your parents; no matter how much pain they go through because of their child's addiction, they well always still have that love and sympathy for you. They would much rather see you happy and healthy and clean than how you look now.

I apologize for the irony in my message, as I myself lack the courage to tell my loved ones that I need help - and bad - with my secret drug problems. I've put them through hell too many times already, and the guilt is unbearable. The worst part of it all is that, even after all of this, I still 'enjoy' getting high :\

All in all, I wish you good luck. Just think, there is someone like yourself out there. I'm always open to chat, even though I'm the greenest of greenlighters (: Stay strong! thats my 2cents
 
Honestly I think college is the least of your concerns with now. I would focus on getting off the dope cause if you dont everrything is gonna crumble right underneath your feet.

It actually sounds as though it already is. Its time to save your life.

I got addicted in my last year of college...that was 13 years ago. So I got my bachelor degree but didn't sort out my addiction. I'm still with my college boyfriend and heroin is still an issue in our lives.

Please learn from my mistakes- college can wait. THE most important thing you need to do right now is work out how to quit.

BTW a college degree is useless if you're also addicted.

^^^This!!! :)
 
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