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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

heroin problem escalating

Eating disorders can help -- short-term, in an exceptionally harmful way -- with self-worth issues by giving you something it feels like you're good at.

I feel like you're using drugs primarily as a method of forgetting yourself and how much you despise yourself as well. Even as it's producing other reasons to make you loathe yourself. And that's problematic because genuine addiction can and likely will come along in addition. That's even harder to beat when you loathed yourself to begin with.

It's always going to be something until you realize that your thoughts aren't accurate, that other people don't see the terrible human being you see.

Did they ever put you through cognitive behavioral therapy?
 
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^ being taken in by your lies set me on the path that got me to here, unless you can change the past, i don't want your help.

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ok, its been a while... basically, things escalated again in september due to work related stress- had to give presentations. before that, i'd been relatively ok since getting back from visiting my friends, did not whore myself out again anyway. i had to kick it CT at the conference I was presenting at (cause of the stress) then went away the following weekend too to try and consolidate not being physically addicted again but it didn't work, i was so sick on the train back i scored immediately.

been managing to keep on top of use- one bag a day most days, til just over a week ago. i was facing CT again, going on a very long journey, so instead of being sensible and continuing to keep on top of things, it escalated to 3 per day. this got bad enough that by the end of work, i'd feel ill.

now i am away and withdrawing. i have some 30mg DHC tablets, which I could not have got through the 25 hours in transit without. the last time I took one was midafternoon yesterday. the night was restless and sweaty but i resisted DHC. i have read that the sweats can last months, years, but i have only been seriously using since april, with some 2-3 day breaks in that time, so I hope thats not the case for me. any ideas how long they may last?

i've had two very uncomfotable and sleepless nights due to trying to keep DHC use to a minimum, but cannot enjoy my holiday if i continue like that, and must enjoy my holiday to have a chance of recovery.

if anyone has tips on how to reduce the negative effects, but ideally avoiding prolonging the addiction (i.e. DHC), i'd be very interested. I also brought neurofen plus- so much lower does of codeine, and loperamide, and loratidine. If anything else useful is available OTC in Argentina, I am up for trying it. I am not back for two weeks, so really want to kick opiates and have a decent length of time to get used to not being on them. If anybody could suggest the best course of action, that would be really helpful.

i plan to completely stop when i get back. i know its unwise, but i will use one last time, then delete my contacts. unfortunately, re making those contacts will be easy, but i am so fed up of this now, over £3000 pissed away, that i am pretty sure, especially after an awesome holiday and two weeks with no opiates, that i have a decent chance of keeping my resolve. only sad thing is the person who'se helped me th most IRL has left my home town, they're coming back in Dec for a visit and I want to make them proud by being clean, but without their support it will be harder.
 
wasn't sure where to post of about resurrecting an old thread, thought it might be worth it for context if anyone's interested.

since i last posted i have been through withdrawals many many times.i ended up in an awful situation. my dealer called and asked if i was at home, then if i was alone. when i said i was he said he was coming over and i was going to do him a favour and he'd give me some gear for it. i said no. he implied things would go much worse for me if i didn't do what he said and i believed him. this turned into a regular occurrence and i was subjected to utterly degrading sexual exploitation and made to do a lot of horrible stuff. so i had to leave.

i moved away and haven't touched gear for 3 months, and only used a couple of times in the month before my last use. i want some so badly. it has taken so much from me not to score tonight and i can't imagine keeping this up.

i was fine at the start, so relieved to stop damaging my health and have my life back. but i am so depressed and can't get over what happened to me. i guess this must happen to a lot of female heroin addicts. i don't know how to cope. i feel disgusting. its been building up and up and now all i can think about is gear.

i have so many reasons not to- still have debt to pay off, i'd be thrown out of my house if i did, f i started using regulaly again i'd be at risk of ending up in another repeated rape scenario. i don't care, i just want some gear.

i don't know why i'm posting, i don't know what i want, just to get this off my chest. i don't know how to manage cravings this intense. i'm desperate.

does this bit ever get better, or is this it, forever?
 
It does get better. Please, please, please do not view your life or base your your self esteem through the eyes of those who exploited you. You can lift yourself out of victim mode-resuming heroin (not "gear") use can put you right back in the path of these predators.

Remove them from your life. Block the phone calls. Be good to yourself. You are in dark place but try and love yourself a little more.
 
thanks. argh its hard not to base my self esteem on those experiences. i can't get them out of my head. i know usinig again would set me up for a similar situation to happen again but 'm just not thinking straight.

i mentally bribed myself yesterday that somehow if i got through it, today would be better. that was a lie. its horrible, i still want it and can''t bring myself to care about what i have to lose but i've made it nearly to another bed time so will get through today too. i'm glad to know it does get better.
 
Aww when l saw your thread was ond and you were the last one who posted l was hoping you had some good news! Unfortunately from personal experience l know how hard it is. Please don't lose hope in yourself. It sounds like you have an education and some really cool jobs/experiences as a result of that. You will get to the point where it's just not going to be worth it anymore, you will just be done. I don't know what advice to offer you on behalf of the drug dealer. Do you have anywhere else you could stay?
 
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