Reading some other posts on here "inspired" me to make my own thread. Alot of the shit i'm going to post about on here is shit that either a) people know about and never speak of or b) things I haven't told anyone. People wonder why I get high constantly, well, sometimes I feel like maybe i'm subconsciously doing it because of all the crazy shit i've had go on in my life. I don't think about the things that SHOULD have a great impact on me, maybe I just don't noticeably think about them.
I'll start in 9th grade, first year in 9th grade when I smoked weed the first time. I hated it and didn't smoke again for a loooong time, but I smoked again and didn't even really like it but every single one of my friends did it, so what did my dumbass do? Kept smoking weed. Eventually I graduated, as well as my friends to cocaine, X, Oxy and other drugs. We had our periods with each 'popular drug'. 6 months or so with X, 6 months with coke, you get the idea. So, we're in this experimental phase, and it's the first time I experience becoming more & more dependent on just drugs in general to get by, not a particular drug, just the need to be fucked up. I wish I would've realized what was happening. During this period, alot of old wounds were opened up, like the wound of my cousin who molested me & my sisters, more so me though, from the time I was 6-7 until the time I was like 13-14, old enough to know what the fuck was happening and could fight back. I don't know how long it lasted for my sisters, but they stopped going around, but as my family didn't have a huge idea of what the picture was, I was constantly brought around there, since they moved alot closer. I don't blame my family or anything like that, I do think his mother could've done more to prevent it, as she caught him 'getting changed' with me in the room, but anyways. So, they move closer and i'm more and more interested in being high than anything else, I had already dropped out of High School and just got high all day every day. I still wasn't PHYSICALLY dependent on anything, but looking back, definitely mentally.
So, I enroll to get my GED and of course I drop out there, then re-enroll, then drop out again, take the placement test one more time, that time scoring high enough to not have to take classes and take the test or i'd probably not have it today, it's not that I couldn't score high enough, every other time I was fucked up and just didn't care. Also, around that time, I caught my first charge(s) with one of my ex-girlfriends. She was kind of on the more crazy side, she had this $2,500 ring I worked all summer to pay for and we split up and I wanted it back, she ends up letting me in but not telling me she called the cops and they were on the way. Got arrested, drug paraphenalia, communicating threats and trespassing, all misdemeanors, but still. Plead guilty, unsupervised probation, Around this time I get MRSA in my foot, don't know how I got it, the only way I can figure out is since my mom is a nurse, she may have brought it home. Enter the Percocet/Opiate phase.
I go to one doctor, they tell me it's a bone spur, just to soak it in hot water, and that it'll go away. A month later, I go to a different doctor, they say it's some kind of insect bite, finally I get so fed up with the constant pain and the swollen foot, I cut that shit open myself. This entire 2 months, I was being prescribed percocet and getting them from family & friends because they all felt bad for me. Go to a foot specialist who does a swab inside my foot, like stuck a q-tip UP inside the hole I had cut open in my foot. Came back MRSA, so 60 more percocet 7.5's and anti-biotics, well finally it goes away but then i'm left with no percocet's. No refill, no weening down, nothing. So instead of dealing with the MILD withdrawal, I start buying them from friends, then I start meeting friends of friends who quickly become good 'friends' because they had constant sources for pills. I end up meeting a girl who is really, really addicted, compared to the state I was in. She was doing 80mg's of OC a day, at least, compared to the few vics and percs I did. Well, needless to say I end up becoming way worse off than before. We find a heroin connection and start IVing heroin together. We spend around $80-$160 if possible. We finally break up and I keep on shooting heroin, I seen her occasionally in the 6 months after that and she denied she was doing it but I have my doubts. Anyway, i'm getting worse & worse and then meet my friend's girlfriend's sister. She's pretty hot too, looking back I feel bad since she was a heroin addict in recovery. We start dating (or fucking, whatever) and before long she's relapsed and out escorting dudes or whatever, and I feel bad I even let her do that shit. But, she ends up almost dying on me in my bathroom right after a shot and I get my mom and I tell her what's happening, she calls the EMT's, who bring a cop and they're required to show up for a OD, she had warrants and ends up going to jail for like 6 months, which probably saved her from me.
So, in between all this shit going on in my personal life, my legal troubles keep adding up. I catch a Obtaining Prop. False Pretense, felony. Poss of Stolen Goods, misd. Possession of Heroin/Schedule I, felony. Larceny, felony. I end up doing 9 months in prison and even in there I wasn't sober, I had a guard who sold me 75 Perc 7.5's for $5 a piece, which isn't bad at all, each month. Anyway, I get out, and goto the methadone clinic, and this helped my opiate addiction, but I ended up starting to smoke crack ALOT, like anytime I had an extra $20. Then I started to shoot it and it got to the point where I was just shooting crack and then being mad as fuck at myself because it was like 5 minutes of a high 25 minute comedowns. I had around 3 or 4 friends who died either directly from drugs or indirectly from drugs (suicide, shot himself in the chest) and it just pushed me further into depression. One day after being awake for like 3 or 4 days binging on crack and Opana's and Soma's and Fentanyl and Adderall, I OD. My mom had a vial of Narcan she'd had just in case I od'd, I woke up in the ambulance to them asking my birthday. I tell them to fuck off and take me back home, I get to the hospital and can barely stand, all the while I STILL have a 50mcg fentanyl patch on my gums (not the jelly kind, the clear ones) and I pass out and wake up 9-10 hours later with an IV in my hand, STILL chewing on the fentanyl patch. I wanted to quit then, but couldn't or wouldn't whatever you want to say. I slow down alot though after this, at least for a while. I pick speed up again and now i'm skipping methadone doses just so I can feel opiates again. Finally, after all the shit I sold and all the money I spent of my parents and all the bullshit they put em through, they foreclosed on my mom's house. Can't help but to think alot if my fault because she'd get paid and i'd basically TELL her she was giving me $60-$100 on payday, $60 everyday after that until her entire check was spent. Not even ask, just be like "let me get $100".
So, they foreclose on the house, but not before I catch a Possession of Firearm by Felon, Resisting Public Officer and Poss Stolen Property. Someone brought some stolen gun to my house, which just so happened to be a cops gun. He shot it there before I woke up and I had picked up the shell casing, that's the stolen property charge. Well, they offered me a plea of 19-24 months and I turned it down, this has no outcome yet as it's still in the court system I didn't even touch the fucking gun, I guess my reputation. But, i'm staying with my aunt and there's alot of meth where i'm at now, and i've been on meth every day since the week of Christmas. So like a month, I eat, I sleep, I do everything i'm supposed to, but I know I shouldn't be doing this shit, i'm not IVing and haven't even really thought about it, I have too much to risk right now, my family thinking i'm completely sober, etc. But I definitely would if I knew for a fact I wouldn't get caught. I'm in college now, a year or so from getting my Bachelor's in Science (Computer Science) and I can't help but think "What happens when I get done with school or quit?" I can't seem to take advantage of the opportunities i've had. I just piss them away, my family is by no means wealthy, but upper middle class and I could and for the most part, do have everything I need and alot of the shit I want. But yet, I continue to get high daily and not caring about what could and will happen if they find out i'm getting high.
Sorry about this being so long, I just needed a place to rant. If you read all this shit, thank you. There's alot more crazy fucking shit that's happened in my 23 years of being alive but this is already WAY too long.
tl;dr: Crazy ass fucking life, no idea why I don't try and quit getting high. I know I should and it's stupid i'm getting high, but I don't have the want to stop.
I'll start in 9th grade, first year in 9th grade when I smoked weed the first time. I hated it and didn't smoke again for a loooong time, but I smoked again and didn't even really like it but every single one of my friends did it, so what did my dumbass do? Kept smoking weed. Eventually I graduated, as well as my friends to cocaine, X, Oxy and other drugs. We had our periods with each 'popular drug'. 6 months or so with X, 6 months with coke, you get the idea. So, we're in this experimental phase, and it's the first time I experience becoming more & more dependent on just drugs in general to get by, not a particular drug, just the need to be fucked up. I wish I would've realized what was happening. During this period, alot of old wounds were opened up, like the wound of my cousin who molested me & my sisters, more so me though, from the time I was 6-7 until the time I was like 13-14, old enough to know what the fuck was happening and could fight back. I don't know how long it lasted for my sisters, but they stopped going around, but as my family didn't have a huge idea of what the picture was, I was constantly brought around there, since they moved alot closer. I don't blame my family or anything like that, I do think his mother could've done more to prevent it, as she caught him 'getting changed' with me in the room, but anyways. So, they move closer and i'm more and more interested in being high than anything else, I had already dropped out of High School and just got high all day every day. I still wasn't PHYSICALLY dependent on anything, but looking back, definitely mentally.
So, I enroll to get my GED and of course I drop out there, then re-enroll, then drop out again, take the placement test one more time, that time scoring high enough to not have to take classes and take the test or i'd probably not have it today, it's not that I couldn't score high enough, every other time I was fucked up and just didn't care. Also, around that time, I caught my first charge(s) with one of my ex-girlfriends. She was kind of on the more crazy side, she had this $2,500 ring I worked all summer to pay for and we split up and I wanted it back, she ends up letting me in but not telling me she called the cops and they were on the way. Got arrested, drug paraphenalia, communicating threats and trespassing, all misdemeanors, but still. Plead guilty, unsupervised probation, Around this time I get MRSA in my foot, don't know how I got it, the only way I can figure out is since my mom is a nurse, she may have brought it home. Enter the Percocet/Opiate phase.
I go to one doctor, they tell me it's a bone spur, just to soak it in hot water, and that it'll go away. A month later, I go to a different doctor, they say it's some kind of insect bite, finally I get so fed up with the constant pain and the swollen foot, I cut that shit open myself. This entire 2 months, I was being prescribed percocet and getting them from family & friends because they all felt bad for me. Go to a foot specialist who does a swab inside my foot, like stuck a q-tip UP inside the hole I had cut open in my foot. Came back MRSA, so 60 more percocet 7.5's and anti-biotics, well finally it goes away but then i'm left with no percocet's. No refill, no weening down, nothing. So instead of dealing with the MILD withdrawal, I start buying them from friends, then I start meeting friends of friends who quickly become good 'friends' because they had constant sources for pills. I end up meeting a girl who is really, really addicted, compared to the state I was in. She was doing 80mg's of OC a day, at least, compared to the few vics and percs I did. Well, needless to say I end up becoming way worse off than before. We find a heroin connection and start IVing heroin together. We spend around $80-$160 if possible. We finally break up and I keep on shooting heroin, I seen her occasionally in the 6 months after that and she denied she was doing it but I have my doubts. Anyway, i'm getting worse & worse and then meet my friend's girlfriend's sister. She's pretty hot too, looking back I feel bad since she was a heroin addict in recovery. We start dating (or fucking, whatever) and before long she's relapsed and out escorting dudes or whatever, and I feel bad I even let her do that shit. But, she ends up almost dying on me in my bathroom right after a shot and I get my mom and I tell her what's happening, she calls the EMT's, who bring a cop and they're required to show up for a OD, she had warrants and ends up going to jail for like 6 months, which probably saved her from me.
So, in between all this shit going on in my personal life, my legal troubles keep adding up. I catch a Obtaining Prop. False Pretense, felony. Poss of Stolen Goods, misd. Possession of Heroin/Schedule I, felony. Larceny, felony. I end up doing 9 months in prison and even in there I wasn't sober, I had a guard who sold me 75 Perc 7.5's for $5 a piece, which isn't bad at all, each month. Anyway, I get out, and goto the methadone clinic, and this helped my opiate addiction, but I ended up starting to smoke crack ALOT, like anytime I had an extra $20. Then I started to shoot it and it got to the point where I was just shooting crack and then being mad as fuck at myself because it was like 5 minutes of a high 25 minute comedowns. I had around 3 or 4 friends who died either directly from drugs or indirectly from drugs (suicide, shot himself in the chest) and it just pushed me further into depression. One day after being awake for like 3 or 4 days binging on crack and Opana's and Soma's and Fentanyl and Adderall, I OD. My mom had a vial of Narcan she'd had just in case I od'd, I woke up in the ambulance to them asking my birthday. I tell them to fuck off and take me back home, I get to the hospital and can barely stand, all the while I STILL have a 50mcg fentanyl patch on my gums (not the jelly kind, the clear ones) and I pass out and wake up 9-10 hours later with an IV in my hand, STILL chewing on the fentanyl patch. I wanted to quit then, but couldn't or wouldn't whatever you want to say. I slow down alot though after this, at least for a while. I pick speed up again and now i'm skipping methadone doses just so I can feel opiates again. Finally, after all the shit I sold and all the money I spent of my parents and all the bullshit they put em through, they foreclosed on my mom's house. Can't help but to think alot if my fault because she'd get paid and i'd basically TELL her she was giving me $60-$100 on payday, $60 everyday after that until her entire check was spent. Not even ask, just be like "let me get $100".
So, they foreclose on the house, but not before I catch a Possession of Firearm by Felon, Resisting Public Officer and Poss Stolen Property. Someone brought some stolen gun to my house, which just so happened to be a cops gun. He shot it there before I woke up and I had picked up the shell casing, that's the stolen property charge. Well, they offered me a plea of 19-24 months and I turned it down, this has no outcome yet as it's still in the court system I didn't even touch the fucking gun, I guess my reputation. But, i'm staying with my aunt and there's alot of meth where i'm at now, and i've been on meth every day since the week of Christmas. So like a month, I eat, I sleep, I do everything i'm supposed to, but I know I shouldn't be doing this shit, i'm not IVing and haven't even really thought about it, I have too much to risk right now, my family thinking i'm completely sober, etc. But I definitely would if I knew for a fact I wouldn't get caught. I'm in college now, a year or so from getting my Bachelor's in Science (Computer Science) and I can't help but think "What happens when I get done with school or quit?" I can't seem to take advantage of the opportunities i've had. I just piss them away, my family is by no means wealthy, but upper middle class and I could and for the most part, do have everything I need and alot of the shit I want. But yet, I continue to get high daily and not caring about what could and will happen if they find out i'm getting high.
Sorry about this being so long, I just needed a place to rant. If you read all this shit, thank you. There's alot more crazy fucking shit that's happened in my 23 years of being alive but this is already WAY too long.
tl;dr: Crazy ass fucking life, no idea why I don't try and quit getting high. I know I should and it's stupid i'm getting high, but I don't have the want to stop.
