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Heroin/Opioid MEGA-Thread: Junkies check-in here!

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Well I've been on suboxone about 3 weeks , and I haven't done any dope or pills since then so it's working. I went to the required group meeting for the program and was actually surprised - the others in the group were way more positive than I expected , way more positive than me. I can't believe I ended up like this, I had years clean - til I smoked some weed and in about 6 months I was doing my DOC again. Now I have a drinking problem too, gotta have it . I was never a drinker before and now I'm drunk almost every night , smoking weed and on the suboxone. I took a big step to get off the dope but I'm still pretty fucked. Everything I've heard about the progression of addiction is true to my life and I hate that I can't do what I want and stay in control.
 
xxkcxx said:
IDK if this is true, but I've read that if your parent was an addict, you are not only more likely to become addicted, but are also more likely to become addicted to their opposite DOC. Like, my biological father (who I never knew was an addict until after I went to rehab twice since I never ever met him) was a coke-head, but I chose junk.

Anyone else hear this?
Click to expand...
Its weird that u said that cause my real mom was on coke eventually died from a od and I hate any type of speed, I use to do coke when I first started the clinic but it was the only thing that I could still shoot and feel.
 
I was out for abit last night and after dropping my friend off i thought i'd take a cruise past the old scoring grounds for old times sake. And no one was about as you'd expect for 8pmish. My dad called so i parked up, then after i saw a possible contact and waited, needless to say she knocked on my windowe and went to score. So all went well then i got home tasted a wee bit and wa slike, "that isnt dope man, maybe its just different and i had sticking my fingers in my ex-gfs lady bits for a hile before so maybe thats it" had a line and it tasted a bit well.....beefy. ITS WAS FUCKING GRAVY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And i'm so so pissed off not just at being burned but it was my 2 week anniversary of sobriety and i cracked and even if i didnt get gear i still wasted a good bit of money on fuck all. If i'd got proper gear it wouldnt be too bad, now i have extra money guilt on top of nearly breaking my streak and worst of all i'm fucking dying to get wasted.

Fuck. Ing. Hell.
 
I'm tired of getting high all the time. I just want to feel normal. I'm tired of hurting the people around me by making them worry. I been getting fucked on scag for so long I forgot how long I been using... My mom reminded me today. I thought it was 4 years.... its been 6...

I know its sad but I could really give a shit about myself, the only thing that makes me happy is making others smile and making them happy. I want to get sober and make everyone in my life happy. I got a girl in my life that has gotten me to open up and has me feeling things I never felt before, I refuse to put heroin before her. I love her so much. I don't want to end up with her looking down at me while I'm laying in a casket because I overdosed. Tomorrow I am making some calls and I am going to try to get on Suboxone. I got some information from some friends today that are on it.
 
Thank. I'm tire of being the gentleman junkie. There are surprisingly a lot of doctors in my area that do the suboxone thing.

My battle with dope is more mental than physical... I don't know which is worse sometime. I only got an hour left before I slip back into that junkie mindset.
 
^ IMO, it's always more mental. I mean, really, the worst of the physical is over in a weeks time or so even for the most monster habit. The mental though...well I've been clean as long as 4 months at one point and relapsed because the mental desire never went away.

If it gives you any hope, the few times I've done well in sobriety have been when I am on Suboxone (8mg). Again, it's usually the mental desires that make me stop taking it for whatever reason (usually a desire to get high that I won't let myself acknowledge) and then I relapse. The fact I can't trust myself to actually take my medicine is why I wanted to go on the 'done cause then I'd be held responsible on a daily basis, but there are just too many negatives to go along with it, not to mention how much more expensive it is here than suboxone (when you have insurance).
 
I'm back like I forgot something, I'm something.


The high isn't that good. I was diggin' sobriety.

I liked how I wasn't stuffed up as much and my lungs were almost clear.

I liked how I wasn't spending a lot of money and was feelin' pretty optimistic and upbeat.


I can't stay away from BL, I can't get stop buying dope. I can't do it for myself. I'm so over-the-top, want-her-forever, let's have kids and grow old together, in love with my girlfriend and I can't stop for her. What if I lost her cause of dope? What kind of life is this?
 
:\

Well, it's nice to see you bro, even if it's not under the happiest circumstances.

Just keep trying...you WILL get it eventually. I gots the faith in yous.
 
Whats so fucked up about my use, whats so fucked up about it is that I'm not the stereotypical junkie, I'm the fucking gentleman junkie, the fucking hero, the lover, the brother, the best friend, the great boyfriend. It drives me fucking nuts sometimes. I'm this wonderful person, people love me, people respect me, but for some reason I don't love myself, and there's something inside of me, something I cant grasp, that I just need to numb with dope.
 
I thought of this last night and I'm going to semi-hijack this thread to see how long I can think of different positives about staying away from H or other opiates/opioids.

At the start January, I began keeping track of everything I spend money on. So far I've spent $420 on heroin (77% of total) and $121.59 on anything else (gas/groceries/food out/misc). So to start this running list off:

1) Not spending [wasting] insane amounts of money
 
do any of you believe that admitting you relapsed is a sign you want help?

See, I was clean around 90 days cause of a court case. They told me I was gonna have to go to treatment, so I started, then they never actually sentenced me to it so I stopped going and instead went on a month long bender and sobered up in time for the probation meeting. At said meeting, my P.O. said I HAD to go to treatment, so I went back today.

We were only 30 minutes from being done, I hadn't been dropped yet and it didn't look like I would be, so I would have been free and clear since by the next meeting (Tuesday) I'd be clean.

But the lady asks me how long I've been clean and for some god forsaken reason I admit "not that long, I relapsed." WTF??? Why did I say that? I mean, I'm not really in trouble or anything, but why would I do that?
 
Its just sad when i think what i used to be and do and what i am now. Opiates(mainly oxycodone, morphin, poppy tee) destroyed everything where i was talented(too busy chasing drugs/money rather than train more). Years have passed so fucking fast. Sometimes im like "Fuck, is this even real, how could i ever have done this to myself". 5 years been addicted now. I was on buprenorphine for like 6 months at one point but the doctor who helped me had to stop the threatment for certain reasons witch i cant tell here.

Finnish drug threatments are an embarrasement, i had to find this doctor who threated me, but i had to get the pills from the streets(!!!). There was a queue to "real" threatment for up to 1 year at that time. One fucking year is way way too long time for hardcore junkie to wait and get hes urine tested weekly.

Now im waiting to get to methadone threatment(just had my first visit a week ago). Il go first into normal rehab where i get buprenorphine for ~1week and then stay there some weeks eating benzos. If that dosent work(like it havent worked before) im on queue to methadone. I would rather take buprenorphine, but they dont even give buprenorphine anymore for long time threatments.

People used to fly to france and then to to baltic countryes to get help cause finnish drug threatments are on the same level with fucking burma. Now some visit UK.

Tomorrow again to the drug clinic, lets see if i learn something new.
 
I'm back on suboxone, after my 3 week binge. i think wednesday 3 am was my last dose. the transition from heroin to suboxone is always rough for me. some people seem to get away with it, but if i use, i'm gonna pay for it. i guess it doesn't help that it was great dope, and i was dosing every 4-8 hours.

now i'm going to try to taper relatively quickly. though, i don't seem to have a whole lot of motivation. usually after feeling how nasty withdrawal is, it makes me want to get off of this shit. i do want to get off, but that surge of confidence just isn't there. i'll give the suboxone a few days at the dose i'm at, somewhere around 4mg, before i start tapering.

i might have to make an appointment with my sub doc, which i hate doing. i feel like a piece of shit when i come crawling back to them.
 
3 weeks completely clean (except for Imodium for obvious reasons).

I have to say, I hate it. I thought I was apathetic on opiates...it was nothing compared to how I feel now. Actually, I don't feel now. I'm completely devoid of any emotion what-so-ever. It'd be depressing if I could even care, but I can't.

I miss Suboxone.
 
Not at the moment, no. I'd have to pull of a massive relapse to convince anyone to allow it, but that would just backfire and I'd be worse off.
 
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