heroin. newbie to this site, but could really use some help, someone to talk too :)

[shia.]

ok i am going to try and make this as short n sweet as possible...please be patient with me, i just joined this site, hoping to find someone to talk too, even if it's just to bs to help me get through this...been struggling with heroin for about 2 years now, started with pills for around a year prior...and i guess you can say a new relationship that quickly turned into us doing pills, into the h...live in a city i am starting to really dislike thats 5 hours away from where i am from(friends & family) moved here for school about four years ago, recent art grad. and again quickly after i moved here met someone we were in a relationship up until about 5 months ago...thought as soon as i kicked him out the habit would go along with him. i was wrong. i know every day i am making a huge mistake...im terrified. i have no one to talk to. i have completely isolated myself...i need to stop. i want to..i just want to get somewhere near my old self if thats even possible...i miss myself...and living alone & single + my pitt for the 1st time in 4 years, i cannot even stand to be alone with myself...and i am alone basically all the time. i feel really strange typing all of this and a lil pathetic, none of you know me..i dont even know me anymore...but i read a lot about this site and just hope theres someone out there who could just talk to me. ...im sorry if this is the wrong place to post this ..i just joined this site today. if it is please feel free to tell me i always thought of myself as this strong person who could handle anything, and have been though a lot in my life where i came out on top...this is so different, i feel so terrible about myself. im finally back to a point where my life can take go a good way,new place, ok job, slowly getting back to caring about myself, got out of a very toxic relationship, kinda doing art again...but its dragging me further away from myself every day...if someone could just offer some advice, help, just talk,..anything...i would be very grateful. im also just super lonely...sorry if this sounds really lame to anyone, i just feel like i am in a very dark place atm and am trying to get back to the light...feel free to pm me..thank everyone if you took the time to read

have a great day :D

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

I'm gonna shoot this over to TDS as it's where threads like this, about general support topics go. OD is for specific HR questions relating to drug use.

Hang in there.. it gets easier. One day at a time, right?

OD---->TDS

 

[Allein]

Hi shia,

Welcome to Bluelight and also The Dark Side which isnt nearly as scarey as it sounds :D

i always thought of myself as this strong person

And from what you just posted you clearly are, just that. It sounds like you've already started to make great progress on getting back on track, the breaking of bonds with those that are part of things you want to leave behind isnt at all easy.

Feeling lonely is something I can relate to very much (hence the tenuously related user name) even with people around us the isolation can be hard to bear, but drugs are not great company and only fill the void for a while and then leave you more empty than before.....and so the cycle continues IMHO.

You don't mention if you are now clean of H or on a program of somekind ?

There is a great deal of support, advice and just plain friendship to be found in our Recovery forums, you are welcome to PM me or any of the team with any questions.

Best Wishes

 

[herbavore]

shia, welcome to Bluelight! Bluelight is a great community for finding support to quit. You will find so many people that, like you, found themselves trapped by something they felt they could control and the collective experiences of all those people can really be beneficial to your own strategies. Don't be scared of posting in the Sober Living Forum. Everyone there is trying to quit or maintain their sobriety from either one drug, some drugs or all drugs so wherever you are in that process is fine.

I am wondering about what kind of support you have IRL. Does anyone in your family know about your struggle? If so, are they supportive? How about friends? One thing that I have seen many times with people whose addiction has kind of sneaked up on them is the desire to try to deal with it in secret. This is really, really difficult.

Keep us posted. Find support here and IRL and don't waste a minute feeling ashamed of anything. You are on the right track and posting here was a very positive step.

P.S. as a fellow artist, I'll put a plug in for doing your art. Art has saved me many times. Once you get out of the wonderful community that art school provides it can be a lonely pursuit. Depending on what kind of art you do, is there any way that you could form a group around it? Over the years, I have been in critique groups, plein-air painting groups, life drawing groups etc and they can be a real antidote to the isolation inherent in the path of artmaking.

 

[annachronism]

For me getting in the mindset to quit is everything. And those keywords "I miss myself" indicate a mindset to quit. Loneliness and boredom are also major triggers for me. I'm struggling through my first couple days of opiate withdrawals ATM too so you're welcome to PM me to shoot the shit or just for someone to update progress with. Seems like there's alot of good advice and advisable methods on here for kicking opiates but it all comes down to that mindset and strength of will I imagine.

 

[shia.]

hey! thank you Mr.Scagnattie , ..so does that mean this thread is under TDS now? should i find it there? thanks again, sorry this is all just soo confusing a tad..im sure i'll catch on soon (hopefully) also do i reply to you all at once, i hit reply under your 1st comment and it just shot me down under everyone at #6?

 

[Allein]

Hi shia,

Yes this thread is now in The Dark Side (TDS) forum, if you click on the big BlueLight logo thing at the top left of the page you will get to a page that shows all our individual forums. Sometimes threads get moved to where they are best placed, as with yours.

Apologies for my original rambling response to your post, I must have been in an odd mood I see others have responded with more useful advice and support.

I hope today finds you a little better

 

[shia.]

hello again Allein oh its completely fine! honestly rambling is great, any response is greatly appreciated...very!!! and to everyone else herbavore ..i am trying to actually do this on my own...im going on about 8 months of using since i was last 4 months clean...previous relationship ect ect relapsed..i really think i am more than ready this time...if i can be completely honest, i have been waiting to put aside a couple days to start a detox with suboxone...i am SOOO scared of doing it cold turkey which i did last time, i cannot make it through that again, i was able to get enough subs to do a taper about 14 days or so i think, which has worked amazing for me before...BUT the reason i have been waiting and am so sooo scared is the whole pre-anticipated withdrawal..i kinda understand it...and have been planning for this past week to take my last dose today sometime...wait 24 hours AT LEAST and start with 8mg tom of sub..if i can make it through the 1st day/night i think i will be ok and have been preparing for this day for about a month, to just bite the bullet and do it...any one who can help em out at all that would be great...i do work today but will be checking in all day...also annachronism you said you were going through your 1st few days of being off? i would LOVE to talk, even if just to chat, ..so what i am going to do basically is try the sub tom after at least 24 hours...i have enough to last about 12-14 days if i taper correctly...i have never had to start at more than 8mg for my 1st dose before but idk this time...im not sure if the drugs i am doing atm are horrible since i have to do more than i am used to, which i think may be the case that i am just using crappy stuff with very low potency, which may help em in the long run...idk im just so scatterbrained and confused today...i have a time set to last use and am just ganna go through my day/night then wake up tom...fight for the 1st couple hours of the day to that 24 hour mark then take a sub and start this finally... soo i feel like i am rambling right now and making no sense...anyone at all who wants to pm me..to talk, has any sub advice...anything. illl be off and on all day...ok guys hope to hear form someone hope your all having a great day

 

[RedLeader]

The first thing you should think about is what exactly you mean when you keep talking about your "old self." Life is fluid and dynamic, and we are always growing and changing as people (for better or for worse). I think what you mean is that you miss the stability you once had. Perhaps you also have a longing for a time of innocence too, before you feel like your mind got corrupted by heroin and all of the darkness that is in the surrounding lifestyle. As an artist, I'm sure that your moods and emotions affect your output, and perhaps you don' feel like your emotions are in line with the art you've brainstormed about making in the past. And you wish you could get back into that mentality. But ya, the tough news that is that after a heroin addiction, life isn't ever really the same. Unlike other drugs or mistakes made, this actually is a life-changing thing. It's a big deal, and lying to yourself about its magnitude will only make it worse. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, as you can find new things to help you move forward and help yourself that you may have never otherwise gotten into (for me, I got really into Eastern spirituality recently, and it helps me stay clean). But you need to just try and focus on the present and making each day/week/month slightly better than the last one. The past is over, we cannot ever reclaim it. I'm guilty of the same thing...I've had money, cars, city apartments, living abroad, scholarships, etc, and lost it all to heroin. When I think too much about it, I want to cry and shake, so I just hide the photos, don't talk to people from that era, and so on. I just try and be happy that I have a job and a roof over my head at all today. I knot that this kind of advice can come off as annoying, so I hope it doesn't that much to you!

If you're a girl by yourself in a new city and you're struggling with heroin, it can turn really bad really quickly in a couple different ways. I won't spell them out here for you, but basically the physical dependency never stops, and sometimes streams of money do. People scramble impulsively, vultures watch people like you within the game, etc. As herbivore said, you need something of an escape plan put into place right now, today, in case you find yourself falling very fast. You need a place to go outside of the city with people who won't judge you and where you can detox.

You can try out NA meetings if you want to. Personally, I want to stay as far away from them as possible, but I did at least try them out. A lot of people will tell you that you have a disease, that you are weak and cannot do this alone, and so on. They'll also tell you that it's not about will-power. I actually think that we as "addicts" completely and totally have the power to do it from the inside-out, and that it actually is completely about will-power. You know yourself best and you want the better life. Don't sell yourself short, go get it! I'd see you as an artist with an imagination who wants to explore her senses and try out new things. You got curious about drugs and how they'd affect how you felt and your creative output, and you continued on into heroin and it turned out to be absolutely relentless. If you want to call yourself an "addict" and whatnot, and you don't find that patronizing, then go for it. But I'd instead continue to look at yourself as an artist. You'll need the art to propel yourself forward from here. Check this artist out for some inspiration!

 

[thedawn]

I would strongly recommend real life support on top of the subs.
someone who's not judging and will understand.
if u don't have anyone(like me),call some kind of line,i think theres a list on top of this page.

I was/am a musician and lost all my creativity to drugs,both legal and illegal.
it's a way back for sure but it will take time.

you can also pm me whenever if u feel like shooting the shit or feel like screaming to someone who's been there.

all the best.