Tryptamite
Bluelighter
I had a heroin habit for about 4 years. I was on methadone maintenence for about 3 years about 60mg a day with h and c speedblls on top of that as much as money allowed.
I went into detox at the start of Febuary for 4 weeks. Still thought about the speedball rush and crved it but i hd a lot of motivation to get clean. I was tired of life going by and never seeming to get anywhere. I dropped out of college when i was 20 im 24 now. I have no trade. I found it very hard to hold down the only types of low pay hard work jobs i could get. I couldnt even travel (if i had the money) because of the methadone handcuffs.
Fast forward 4 months. Nothing has changed. I no longer am dependent on opiates but i am still very much a drug addict. I spent a month after rehab on 5 to 6 mg xanax a day which didnt help my situation when i decided to stop.
I have insomnia, severe anxiety like a constant feeling of dread, no energy or motivation, no desire to communicate with people. I am cold all the time and have no sex drive. I feel very much apathetic and soulless.
I have recently spent a lot of money on cocaine which seems to be the only non opiate or gabaergic drug that gives me lift and does not increase my anxiety too much.
Most days I force myself out of the house or to do chores or push ups. I genuinely feel unable to work as I feel my anxiety prevents me from looking people in the eyes and speaking in interviews. I have a good cv ready to go and everything.
I am on social welfare and owe small amounts of money to local dealers. I also need to get my gold chain out of the pawn shop.
The chain was a present from a problematic relationship and this girl is starting to force her way back into my life. She is lonely. I dont have the heart to tell her where to go, which seems to be necessary. Fuck knows what she sees in me, im good looking but im an unsociable drug hound.
If I had the money I would buy a one way ticket to somewhere sunny and see how my luck fares there. I have basic spanish and portuguese. I have even found myself fantasizing about robbing a shop (totally not in my nature even when i was using) and just getting out of here.
I am definately stuck in a rut and maybe a change of scenery and lifestyle would help.
I feel once I pay off my debts (no more coke its not helping) my choice will be either move (and do what to survive?) or go back to heroin. I dont feel strong enough to face months more of PAWS. I know moving wont fix my problems and I know heroin addiction is no cure either but this misery is seriously taking its toll on me. I do crave the rush and the high but what I am craving the most is the relief from this state of mind i am stuck in.
I went into detox at the start of Febuary for 4 weeks. Still thought about the speedball rush and crved it but i hd a lot of motivation to get clean. I was tired of life going by and never seeming to get anywhere. I dropped out of college when i was 20 im 24 now. I have no trade. I found it very hard to hold down the only types of low pay hard work jobs i could get. I couldnt even travel (if i had the money) because of the methadone handcuffs.
Fast forward 4 months. Nothing has changed. I no longer am dependent on opiates but i am still very much a drug addict. I spent a month after rehab on 5 to 6 mg xanax a day which didnt help my situation when i decided to stop.
I have insomnia, severe anxiety like a constant feeling of dread, no energy or motivation, no desire to communicate with people. I am cold all the time and have no sex drive. I feel very much apathetic and soulless.
I have recently spent a lot of money on cocaine which seems to be the only non opiate or gabaergic drug that gives me lift and does not increase my anxiety too much.
Most days I force myself out of the house or to do chores or push ups. I genuinely feel unable to work as I feel my anxiety prevents me from looking people in the eyes and speaking in interviews. I have a good cv ready to go and everything.
I am on social welfare and owe small amounts of money to local dealers. I also need to get my gold chain out of the pawn shop.
The chain was a present from a problematic relationship and this girl is starting to force her way back into my life. She is lonely. I dont have the heart to tell her where to go, which seems to be necessary. Fuck knows what she sees in me, im good looking but im an unsociable drug hound.
If I had the money I would buy a one way ticket to somewhere sunny and see how my luck fares there. I have basic spanish and portuguese. I have even found myself fantasizing about robbing a shop (totally not in my nature even when i was using) and just getting out of here.
I am definately stuck in a rut and maybe a change of scenery and lifestyle would help.
I feel once I pay off my debts (no more coke its not helping) my choice will be either move (and do what to survive?) or go back to heroin. I dont feel strong enough to face months more of PAWS. I know moving wont fix my problems and I know heroin addiction is no cure either but this misery is seriously taking its toll on me. I do crave the rush and the high but what I am craving the most is the relief from this state of mind i am stuck in.
... sorry you are down
In order to get out of your funk you will have to change your life.. There must have been a reason you looked for happiness in drugs, the thing with drugs is that they don't change our lives, they just change how we view them.. problem is that when used for this reason they cause problem upon problem because although they present themselves as a solution, no solution is ever achieved so in other words we log in a problem, potentially deadly, as a solution.. then as the temporary solution is taken way by tolerance we start to experience the same problems we never dealt with as well as the new problems we continue to temporarily skirt with the drugs.. if we continue to try and use drugs to "escape or problems, because of tolerance we will need to use increasing amounts until we reach the point where the amount to escape our problems is to much for the other systems that don't have the luxury of tolerance to handle and that is one wau we OD. If you want to escape the paws then stop doing all drugs for awhile, this will allow the addiction to cool down and the paws will subside, though addiction is a cycle and you will have to find your way out of the cycle. "if nothing changes then nothing changes." just buy getting off your DOC will not automatically change your life, you will just return to all the problems you sought to escape with the drugs.. you have an opportunity at a whole new life here, you weren't satisfied with the old life so when you returned to ir it is not surprising that you still don't like it. I think your thoughts of making a whole new start somewhere else are great, but please consider that moving to a new place and doing the same thing there will have the same results with a different view out the window. the old "the more things change the more they stay the same.' Its like you are planning a regional and hopping it will make all the difference.. the thing is that if the same person that left is the same person that arrives then it will be the same thing with a different view. If you want the change you seem to want so truly you need to change you, otherwise it will still be the old you in a different place and it will be the same. A new place is a great idea but a new you is key. drugs are for fun and rarely if ever solve ones problems.. Identify whats important to you, listen to your heart, and have the courage and drive to follow it