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Heroin Is The Loneliest Drug

Yay! Thank you so much for coming back with the update. That's the problem with AA/Al-anon, etc--they can be so dogmatic. I'm sorry she got that advice and sorry she took it but I am very happy that you have restored the friendship. Congratulations on your 6 months!<3
 
Thank you, herbavore! It?s been a long, difficult six months, but once I pass the six-month mark, I?ll be in new territory! Never made it that far before!
 
Someone Who Is Me said:
Hi everyone! I hate to bump such an old thread, but just wanted to say thank you so much for all of you wonderful people who gave me encouraging, nonjudgmental advice when I posted this <3. I was in such a dark place back then and you guys really did make me feel less alone, which is just so invaluable in the throws of active addiction.

I actually ended up going to rehab again, back in August, which is why I haven?t logged on in such a long time. Six months clean on the 17th!! ?A? and I are friends again too. She apologized to me for this whole thing, said she just didn?t know how to handle it, talked about it at an Al Anon meeting and they advised her to cut contact with me. She regrets doing it, though, and says she really did mean well.

You guys are all awesome. And spacejunk, I?m sorry for being a stranger. I truly appreciate the reach out, then and now. Stay strong out there, errbody <3.
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Good for you :) That's fantastic work you've put in.

I think that people close to us who are not addicts find it really hard to relate to or feel comfortable around us addicts. There is such a stigma on addiction that people can genuinely alter their entire opinion of you based on it. Its really frustrating, but at the same time I understand it. Non-addicts are living lives where their focus is on earning money, working, doing 'normal' stuff, aiming for 'normal' things, but addicts have rerouted their focus onto drugs. Its very hard to relate to someone who has entirely different goals in life, even when those 'goals' are the artifice created by drug seeking. Personally, I've lost friends- a lot, tbh- because of my addiction, but I've also made some really interesting and crazy friends too, who can relate to me and I to them. But, my best mate has never had an addiction, though he is a pretty willing drug user. When I 'came out' to him about this, I was so nervous and assumed the worst, but I felt he needed to know the truth about me. I wasn't using at the time, so it felt easier to unload this, and he reacted in his typical flippant Italian way by scoffing with disdain and basically not giving a fuck. If anything, he was just interested in it all and not judgemental. It felt nice, and he has been very supportive of me during my relapses. He doesn't really understand but he also doesn't let his ignorance taint his view on me.

Opiates are so weirdly selfish. All they do is to the individual. There is no sharing the experience really. Its something personal, but it also isolates and ends up causing loneliness and depression and that weird unsatisfied state a human descends into when their social needs are not being met.

Again, well done. <3
 
Totally agree with you, swilow. I think the stigma of injecting heroin had a lot to do with her reaction, just based on the fact that she was so supportive during my previous relapse, when it was "just" booze and pills. That wasn't the sole reason, I'm sure, but once people know you've shot heroin, it definitely alters the way they see you.

I had a situation recently at work. A previously good friend of mine (We're not friends anymore for many reasons, this instance being one.) agreed to "use discretion" with regard to sharing my addiction with coworkers while I was in rehab this fall. I assumed he'd probably discuss it with some of our mutual friends because he was really stressed out about it and having a rough time. I returned to work after two months to find that ALL of my coworkers knew about my drug problem and multiple trips to rehab. He literally discussed it with everyone, including new hires who I'd never even met before and the baristas down at the cafe in our hospital. What the actual fuck? Needless to say, it has definitely affected my professional relationship with a good deal of my coworkers and my boss. Coworkers who used to be friendly and talkative with me now totally avoid me and don't speak to me at all. I had one new hire freak out at me over a minor miscommunication between us. Came out later that her son was in a serious car crash years ago caused by an opiate addict who was driving high. There's no doubt in my mind that this is why she irrationally hates me so much. So yeah. The heavy stigma that goes with addiction in the minds of most non-addicts is very real, and very visible to me in my day-to-day life.

Thank you for the response! Celebrating six months this Saturday! It's been a battle, to say the least. I would give pretty much anything just for one shot right now, not gonna lie.
 
Damn, what an idiot that guy was. Have you ever talked to him about the breach in loyalty and trust his blabbing was?

Well, it sounds like you are handling it well but I know that has to be difficult. The only way to fight ignorance is with education. We just need to keep demanding an end to the stigma however we can.<3

I'm so happy to hear the happiness in your tone of writing (I started to say tone of voice=D).
 
You should've seen this coming. She has a boyfriend. duhh, and you're an addict? Why would she want to take care of another grown man?

Get off the drugs
 
Hahaha, thanks, friend ?. I'm trying. Definitely not as miserable as I was seven months ago when I started this thread, that's at least for sure.

I confronted this guy one time about sharing my shit at work, and his response was, "Ugh, you're right, I really need to quit talking so much about my personal life so much at work." To which I laughed. MY personal life, you idiot! We don't talk anymore, though. It was a weird friendship that ended with a lot of drama. Stalking. Obsession. (On his part.) Shit went south real fast, right when I got back from rehab. I'm not sure if it was always that toxic of a friendship and I just didn't notice it because I was high all the time, or if he was even more codependent than he seemed and he didn't like me being clean and making connections with people other than him, but I lean toward a mix of both.

Totally agree about the stigma, though. I think it's very slowly getting better, but very slowly isn't good enough. Has anybody here ever read the comments under online articles about the current Narcan controversy? Search "narcan" on facebook and read the comments people post. The ignorance and judgment are both heartbreaking and infuriating ?.
 
Thank you so much for checking in with us :)

I'm really pleased that you've made steps to improve your situation, and i wish you all the very best :) <3
 
Thank you, spacejunk! And I'm sorry again for never responding to your comment specifically. I read it again the other day when I was responding to the recent posts on here, and it really reached me, even now that this situation is over, just because of how genuine and heartfelt it was. I seriously wish you the very best as well <3. It's nice to be back on Bluelight again! The compassion and true support on here just amaze me. I actually discussed it at an NA meeting the other day, of all places, haha: How important genuine, nonjudgmental support is and how amazing it is to me that straight-up strangers can provide it to each other over the internet, even though it's sometimes so hard for people we know in our "real" nondigital lives to give. Especially when I factor in how cruel and heartless the internet can be sometimes, and yet on this website I've never encountered anything but true empathy and support. Just gives me a lot of hope for humanity... or at least the humans on Bluelight, haha :).
 
My girlfriend and I are alone together in our addiction. Both work full time and have been snorting heroin for the past 4 years. We live together but it's our secret no one would suspect. No one knows we use and sometimes we are alone together not having anyone else to use with. But we love drugs and each other :)
Sorry for rambling just snorted some. Love to you all. Good luck on your situation OP <3
 
Yes, I have definitely found opiate usage/addiction to be very isolating. Addiction by its very nature and the need to protect oneself from being "found out" makes it so. This is really the only place I have to talk about stuff like this. I do really hate all the secrecy but it is what it is. BTW, I'm a CPP but really never exceed what's prescribed too me daily. My secrecy comes from the fact that I snort rather than swallow my pills. Other than that, I'm by the books.
 
Ayebelton, I'm so sorry to hear you and your girlfriend are struggling so much :(. Glad you have each other, but so sorry you guys are living through the same hell I did. You too, BeachBum4u. Rout of administration is negligible, and drug of choice is negligible. Addiction is addiction, and it is one of the most lonely existences imaginable, regardless of whether you're a CPP snorting your daily prescribed amount, or a stereotypical "recreational" addict sticking a needle in your arm. It's all the same disease. The similarities vastly outnumber the surface-level differences. And the reason I say it's the most lonely existence imaginable is because I cannot fucking imagine that it is possible to feel more lonely than an addict in the depths of active use. If it were, humans simply would not have made it this far in the world. We wouldn't have wanted to.

It is such a difficult cycle to break. It's funny too, because when I read my original post on this thread, which I wrote like 8 months ago, I'm clearly unbearably unhappy and alone. I don't remember writing "I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life", but apparently I did. But it's weird, because 6 months clean, most of my clear memories of how I felt while I was using have faded. And I get cravings on a daily basis where I would give anything for just one hit, consequences be damned, and I seriously consider just saying "fuck it", texting my dealer and buying a gram. I have (clean) needles saved in my apartment in case that ever happens. I have thousands of dollars set aside, so that I'll be better able to fund my habit when I inevitably relapse. I am convinced I will not stay clean forever. But then I read things like this thread and what I wrote back in July, the responses from those of you in the middle of it right now, and it reminds me how truly fucking awful addiction is. My heart goes out to you, BeachBum, Ayebelton and your girlfriend, and everyone else who has commented on this thread from within active addiction. It's a horrible place to be and I have and still do feel your pain. PM me any time if any of you guys ever want to talk, even if you just need to vent <3. Having someone, anyone, to talk to is absolutely necessary to survival. Like I said before, this website is a wonderful source of support for those of us who don't have anything available in our "real" lives. We (random drug addicts on the internet, haha) at least have each others' backs, regardless of how alone we might feel!
 
It's crazy, isn't it - how our memories sugar-coat some of the darker aspects of reality?

I can understand your preparedness to "lapse" from your recovery/sobriety - but most people find such lapses deeply unfulfilling....which sometimes leads thwn to full-blown relapse.

The other thing you need to consider is that if you do use again, you'll not have any of the tolerance that you used to have before...and then there's the prospect of fentanyl.

But hey - i'm so happy for you.
You were one bluelighter i was really worried about - and now look at you! So good :) <3
 
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Thanks, spacejunk :). Although I'm sorry to have been a source of concern in the past. Apparently I was freaking all kinds of people out, I've since been told :(.

Devious money-saving aside, I am genuinely worried about the prospect of relapsing for so many reasons. I know so many people who can "lapse" and then get back on track right away. Not that lapses are safe by any means, but generally less destructive overall than full relapses. I've never had a lapse and managed to pull myself out of it. I've always just gone all the way. At this point, I at least recognize that, if I were to use again, it would be a full relapse. It would not be one bender and then back to recovery. If I thought I could use tonight and then get back on track by tomorrow, I'd do it in a heartbeat. At this point, with all the damage I did to my job while I was using, I'd be fired within weeks of picking up again, I'm sure. My supervisor freaks out on me if I so much as yawn or blink too slowly. Losing my job would mean losing my apartment right away, because I pay rent paycheck-to-paycheck. I'd be homeless by the end of the month if I were lucky.

Incidentally, I was very worried about fentanyl the whole time I was using and always prided myself on getting "good dope" that wasn't shady or cut with anything bad. Turns out, I was getting fentanyl probably the whole time I was using. They informed me of this in detox, because my withdrawal symptoms had all these weird abnormal features. My doctor said I was probably withdrawing from fentanyl and heroin at the same time. So yeah, shows how much I fucking know.

Good to remember during cravings! I wish I'd journaled more, or even posted more online, during the peak of my using so the agony of my life would be easier to remember, haha.

<3
 
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