Heroin has ruined my life - Please help

[J.Wallace]

Heroin has ruined my life.

A few years ago I was a prominent member on this site. I was just a kid still, experimenting. Going from being an alcoholic teenager to a pothead teen, to a pill popping user to a psychedelic explorer, to an rc guinea pig to a heroin junkie. I've lost the plot and I never thought I'd be so far gone.

I started using heroin at the very end of 2012. I was addicted to MXE at the time, so I didn't develop a habit till the beginning of 2014. May 2014 I fell in love and became a junkie with my then-girlfriend, who introduced me to IVing.

Fast forward to Febuary 2015, my relationship with my father is shot and I moved to Jersey with my girlfriend hoping to start over. Our addiction followed and we ended up using all our money on dope. She stole checks and cashed em, got caught and sent to rehab. I had no choice but to go to, so I could live with my father again. March 27th I come out clean for 1 month, on suboxone, I relapse the first day out. I've been spiraling back out of control since.

While in Jersey, I stole $200 from my employer and got caught. Now I got a bench warrant and $556 in fees due. I'm terrified of whats to come. I just want to get my life back on track.

What do I do? I need some support and advice. I want to get back on suboxone, I even called the program I was in and they said they can't do anything till tomorrow on monday morning.

I've got 8mg suboxone and facing withdrawals. I took 2mg already, hoping it'll kick in soon. Any advice on a quick taper? Any kind words of advice are appreciated. I see so many peop,e getting clean and staying cleah, that I feel horrible I haven't gotten my life on track.

 

[cj]

Hey man I remember you from a while back. Good to see you back! Though I wish you where doing better. First of all forget about the past. That shit is over and done with let's focus on today and the near future. I think getting back on suboxone is a really good idea for at least the short term. That will give you the stability of mind to further work on the rest of your problems. Addiction is a tough beast don't get down on yourself.

 

[herbavore]

Hey J. Wallace! Welcome back. I wish it were at a different part in your story, just popping in to say hi. Whenever people disappear from here I hope for the best but I always fear the worst in one small corner of my mind. The worst is death. So, take heart because you are alive and you want change and those are two things never to be taken for granted. I'm with cj on the subs. You are going to bu under a lot of stress because of the criminal charges, you are probably at your lowest point of self-esteem and now is not the time to be dealing with WD and PAWS. Remember that beating yourself up is one of addiction's all time favorite weapons. Turn the table on it. You can do it because its all coming from your own mind. You don't have to excuse what you did--just understand why, what got you there, forgive yourself and start taking baby steps in the right direction. Check out Sober Living for a lot of threads that can help with the day to day staying on track.

 

[J.Wallace]

Hey Herbavore, I thought of you when I came back. I remember you advising me against heroin. I wish I listened, believe me.

I've kicked my horrible addiction to MXE, as some of you might remember, I was doing it basically daily for two years, up to grams a day at one point.

Heroin has destroyed everything though. I've lost myself to it. I just want to be free once again.

I've got a bench warrant out for a month now. I need to go to court and get this sorted out asap. I'm scared to go, I'm scared I'm going to go to jail. I stole money from my employer and agreed to pay it back but haven't paid anything yet. What can happen when I go to court? Could I be put in jail? Its for missing a payment.

I'm considering going back in to treatment but I need to get this court issue resolved first. I never thought heroin would lead me on this path. I'm so ashamed of who I've become, I hate myself for it.

 

[camjua]

If you cannot get suboxone, try getting some potent kratom. I usually go for extracts. Nice thing is, it's legal so you don't need a script or to further risk issues with the police. Kratom is only going to lessen the WDs, use ibuprofen or tylenol for the pain... it won't help much but it may help a little. Ginger, hydroxyzine(if you have a script) help a lot with nausea (or zofran), with anxiety and depression.. weed, kratom, valerian, kava etc. can all help.

I'm glad you're trying to get clean though man. Heroin is a beast but you can beat it just be strong and try to think about how much better life will be without needing to poison your body with heroin. Remember that you didn't need drugs before you became a drug addict. You don't need them now either, it just feels that way.

Also try your very best to avoid people/places/things that trigger wanting to relapse or use. This is a big one. Lots of studies show environment plays a key roll in addiction.

Hope this helps, keep us updated c:

 

[F1n1shed]

I've seen your name around J Wallace, if it makes you feel better i am kicking heroin and meth right now. I posted about it on another section, you can do this. I had almost a whole year of sobriety till someone texted me saying they have a connect nearby my rehab. My relapse lasted 3 months or so and i'm ready to get back on track, sobriety is definitely worth it. It is going to suck for the first few days - weeks but it pays off always!

Things will fall into place if you stay sober do not worry about the court issues and jail i am sure someone can help you out.

 

[Mysterie]

hi j.wallace.

i remember your name from posts in the past. just wanted to pop in and say i'm rooting for you to be able to put this addiction behind you. if you can try to see what you did in the past, as if you saw a child messing up somehow, then it could help you look at it less seriously. i think you are probably very intelligent and that is how some people can get caught in these self-destructive patterns, because if you have a great ability at thoughts then you can think yourself into doom pretty fast. i agree with herby that now is a great time to try and practice some self-compassion, also to connect with the feeling of all the other people who are in similar spots to you, its good to remember you aren't alone in your experience, lots of people share it.