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Heroin Forever

T

thuglife111

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 14, 2012
Messages
47
Hi everyone, I'm a 22 yr old male and a recovering oxycodone & heroin addict and I am on Suboxone and Gabapentin (Neurontin) and Hydroxyzine (Vistaril) for anxiety. My doctor won't prescribe me Xanax which I think would help enormously with the bone-crushing anxiety heroin left me with, and not to mention I had bad anxiety my whole life, which is what led me to the heroin in the first place, to find anxiety relief. It was a god-send in my eyes. I finally got to feel how I always wanted to feel my entire life. Anxiety-free, less worries, calmness, and relaxation. I love how opiates make me feel because they are a legitimate relief for me.
Anyways, I'm so annoyed at my doc for not prescribing what I know will help me... Xanax. Yet, he says he will NEVER prescribe me that. I know why. I know that in the end it will make my anxiety worse without it. But i honestly feel as though I need to have anxiety relief forever. And that i should just take the Xanax forever. Who cares!? It's MY body and mind! If I need anxiety relief after a full blown heroin habit, I should be able to get it!
Instead he gave me shitty Gabapentin and Hydroxyzine... which barely do anything... if anything at all. I want a NOTICEABLE change in my mood... I am also severely depressed and although I have a job, It is all meaningless in my eyes. Heroin was the only thing that made life worth living.
So my question is, why isn't it allowed to prescribe heroin for heroin addicts? Like, if they just monitored it like they do the suboxone, my life would be perfect. If they just gave me the same dose over-time and monitored it properly, I could have the ultimate relief I've always wanted. Tolerance would rise, yes, but it does with suboxone as well... that's what i'm saying, they could adjust it every time and properly administer it so i couldn't abuse or do too much. Eventually they would taper me off so my tolerance could go down, then start it up again . Why not? It's the same thing as using suboxone for any amount of time.

My brain is already fucked up from the drugs. It's going to take so long and such a battle to overcome this... it's almost not worth it. I NEED to have anxiety relief... no one understands. I need opiates to keep me sane!! Or Xanax! I can't just live like this... i need something in me! I feel like there is a void in my heart that only heroin filled. And the suboxone isn't enough... neither is the shitty meds he gave me. I need better relief... why is that such an issue?
 
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Using xanax for life is not really going to help you. It can help in the short run but in time will actually increase your anxiety while still on it, not to mention the increased need for higher and higher doses with horrible side effects. Longterm use changes the receptors in your brain. Surely that is not a road you want to go down when you are already suffering so much. I understand the need and desire for relief, but there are many, many non-drug ways to improve the thought patterns that contribute to anxiety. The problem is that these are not instant and drugs have conditioned you to expect an instant result.

As far as maintenance heroin, that is an idea that I am also intrigued by. I don't know enough to have a definite opinion but I think it is a very valid question at least.
 
gabapentin and hydroxyzine are actually pretty good anxiolytics. You don't necessarily need Xanax, those two would do fine. I wish my Dr was open to prescribing them for anxiety but he prefers the route of SSRI-buspar-antipsychotics for some reason.
 
herbavore said:
Using xanax for life is not really going to help you. It can help in the short run but in time will actually increase your anxiety while still on it, not to mention the increased need for higher and higher doses with horrible side effects. Longterm use changes the receptors in your brain. Surely that is not a road you want to go down when you are already suffering so much. I understand the need and desire for relief, but there are many, many non-drug ways to improve the thought patterns that contribute to anxiety. The problem is that these are not instant and drugs have conditioned you to expect an instant result.

As far as maintenance heroin, that is an idea that I am also intrigued by. I don't know enough to have a definite opinion but I think it is a very valid question at least.
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I see. So I'm basically screwed. I think I'm going to find a doctor who will give me what I want on my own, as this doctor is working with me and my parents. So I also have the issue of my parents' control over what I'm taking. This all sucks so bad to have my freedom stripped away and being treated like I'm a child again. I'm on such strict watch, I fuckin' hate it. I hate everything. All I want is maintenance heroin. I don't see the issue. But there's such a bad stigma around it already that there's no way it will ever be a possibility. So now what? I have to suffer my whole life? This is all so fucked up I hate everything.
 
RobotRipping said:
gabapentin and hydroxyzine are actually pretty good anxiolytics. You don't necessarily need Xanax, those two would do fine. I wish my Dr was open to prescribing them for anxiety but he prefers the route of SSRI-buspar-antipsychotics for some reason.
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Yea I feel a slight change in my mood and anxiety with them. But nothing like what I know is out there. I feel so hopeless. Even with enough time passage, I still think I'm always going to think about heroin and how much relief it really gave me. I really feel like no one understands or cares. It's really either heroin or xanax... because this shit isn't working. I'm so fed up with not feeling how I want already. I'm so sad and depressed. And I've always been. Like I said, once i found opiates it was like a cure-all for my brain. Why don't people understand this!?!?
 
I would avoid the benzos since they are highly addictive. I know people who took them as prescribed daily for anxiety/panic attacks and got addicted to them.

It sounds corny but get into meditation, eating right, avoiding large amounts of caffeine, exercise (cardio works well IME), and meditation these will take time but your anxiety will diminish if you do them.
 
youre only 22. instead of living the rest of your life in a medicated haze, wouldnt you rather be healthy and not dependent on a drug? make a commitment, stay on what youre at now and taper down. you wont regret it.
 
Thanks for the advice and help everyone. I really appreciate it... I guess i just gotta give it more time. It's just so exhausting feeling this way 24/7
 
See I used to work out religiously though... and i still had unbearable anxiety and depression. It made me feel better at first, but once i was alone in my room i was still sad and biting my nails. I always ate right. Even on the opiates. I always watch what i eat. I make music which is still my passion and it's always been my passion, even on the opiates. Nothing could ever take that away. And music still gives me a high like it always did even when i was on the opiates.

So i still feel like anything i do is useless because i'm not truly going to be relieved. I'm just tired of hearing "its going to take time" and "be strong." I'm tired of putting up a fight and i'm tired of waiting!
 
But back to the main point, i heard that in England they do maintenance heroin. Is this true? Because honestly maintenance suboxone is the same thing! If someone who never used opiates took a film of suboxone they would be throwing up all over the place and high as fuck. So it's basically the same thing as heroin for non-opiate addicts. I've read people being on subs for years... so if that's the case, why can't it be the same for heroin? If that's what gives me the best relief, then why can't i take it through a doctor? It makes no sense. It's just the goddamn stigma surrounding it... thats all it is
 
And if i overdose and die on the maintenance dope, then that's my fault! You can overdose and die on any drug except weed. So why not just prescribe it and if the person chooses to use it responsibly then that's up to them. At least it would be clean and not cut with junk
 
From what I understand actually getting on heroin maintenance is probably a pipe dream even in the more liberal European countries. The most relistic option I have ever seen is morphine maintenance in the philipines. From what I have read it seemed like if you had the money it was possible. To me that would be paradise. But back in reality your only real option to relieve the heroin craving is methadone or suboxone. Both of those have drawbacks that make them less than ideal IMO. I can totally relate to what your saying about the relief opiates give you. My life has felt pretty empty since I tarted back on the suboxone.
 
crimsonjunk said:
From what I understand actually getting on heroin maintenance is probably a pipe dream even in the more liberal European countries. The most relistic option I have ever seen is morphine maintenance in the philipines. From what I have read it seemed like if you had the money it was possible. To me that would be paradise. But back in reality your only real option to relieve the heroin craving is methadone or suboxone. Both of those have drawbacks that make them less than ideal IMO. I can totally relate to what your saying about the relief opiates give you. My life has felt pretty empty since I tarted back on the suboxone.
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diamorphine maintenance is reserved for those who repeatedly fail treatment over a course of many years. they are usually the old cats who've been using heroin for longer than you been alive. it is a pipe dream though for the most part. stay off heroin, xanax is a crutch (increases overdose risk with subs aswell), and stick to the neurontin and vistaril. saying you're gonna go to a doc who gives what you ask is a junkie move and sounds like you're not ready to change your ways. most people don't need benzos for anxiety. I have anxiety and used therapy, support groups, and occasional antihistamine use.
 
The only reason a problem ever presented itself was because i had to pay for drugs and blow my paycheck, and then when i ran out, i had to steal. So those two things were the downfall. If i had an endless stream of drugs from the doctor for virtually nothing, then i would never experience withdrawal and never have to spend hundreds of dollars on drugs. Therefore i'd never have to lie and steal. And i wouldn't overdose because i know when doing too much is too much. But even if i did, then that's my fault. Who cares?! My family and friends. That's it. But i wouldn't overdose. Cuz i never have. Even at the worst of my addiction i never overdosed. And i was doing opiates including heroin everyday for years. And i never injected cuz i know that's the barrier i never wanted to cross.

Why should i have to battle this the rest of my life? It's fuckin stupid. Just gimme drugs lol. The fact that i have to live with the reality that i can never use drugs again is dreadful. I want relief for god's sake.

I would be able to lead a very normal and happy life if i knew i could get heroin guilt-free and not at the cost of a lot of money and lying to everyone.
 
Unless you were already prescribed a benzo before you went on suboxone, it's pretty much standard protocol to not prescribe you a benzo....

I've never been able to get scripted benzos either, I don't know why! I definitely qualify! But if you had an opiate problem, you'll probably have a benzo problem too....you're better off with something else, even weed....but it sounds like theyre hookin you up with some pretty decent shit! It seems like you're fixated on the xanax because you know you'll probably catch a buzz! I understand it, but I can see where it could really fuck you up in the longterm...
 
If i just got a bottle of roxis every month i'd be fine. Because i know people who do, and they're fine. They have homes and jobs and families and money, and they're fine. If people understood why i did them, there would be a lot more openness to it. Opiates have no long-term repercussion besides addiction.

And someone even said it, there's people who have been doing heroin longer than i've been alive. So what the fuck!?
 
BlueHues said:
Unless you were already prescribed a benzo before you went on suboxone, it's pretty much standard protocol to not prescribe you a benzo....

I've never been able to get scripted benzos either, I don't know why! I definitely qualify! But if you had an opiate problem, you'll probably have a benzo problem too....you're better off with something else, even weed....but it sounds like theyre hookin you up with some pretty decent shit! It seems like you're fixated on the xanax because you know you'll probably catch a buzz! I understand it, but I can see where it could really fuck you up in the longterm...
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Thank you! this is exactly how i feel! lol. I guess but this stuff i'm on is nothing compared to the xanax. Cuz i know i'll catch a buzz off that shit lol. ur right
 
I've been doin heroin on and off for 16 years...I tried it at sixteen...that's 20 years, have you been alive that long?!

Dude, I'm 36 and I have about damn near 20 years I just can't really account for!!

I mean, the way you;re talking...you're just sayin fuck it, "I wanna be a drug addict"...Sounds like methadone might work for you....You'll get hooked as shit on it and be in a constant daze, but I just have a gut feelin with you, you have a good chance of incarceration....Not to be mean, its just a vibe!
 
I wanna be clean, i wanna have a normal life... but i feel like it's already fucked me up to the point of no return... that's why i'm talking like this.

Cuz there's really nothin like being high on heroin. It's like i never experienced anything like the orgasmic euphoria and just overall contentedness and satisfaction that it induces.
 
BlueHues said:
I've been doin heroin on and off for 16 years...I tried it at sixteen...that's 20 years, have you been alive that long?!

Dude, I'm 36 and I have about damn near 20 years I just can't really account for!!

I mean, the way you;re talking...you're just sayin fuck it, "I wanna be a drug addict"...Sounds like methadone might work for you....You'll get hooked as shit on it and be in a constant daze, but I just have a gut feelin with you, you have a good chance of incarceration....Not to be mean, its just a vibe!
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And i understand your gut feeling. I sure as hell hope i don't end up in a cell. That scares the shit outta me.
 
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