Hey there CrowetheCat! I am also 20 years old and have been struggling with heroin addiction for almost the exact amount of time as you.....I am a male though! You are NOT alone nor are you a "bad" person.....You would be surprised how many other addicts have done the same as you! I spent OVER $70,000 on dope over a 2 year period.....Lost a 70K salary a year job.....fucking through it away because of withdrawals (Bad Attendance)....lost pretty much ALL my friends because without doing it on purpose I fucked them over some way or another to support my heroine habit... I went from being the most caring, loving, outgoing and loyal friend to a "scumbag" (In others eyes)...in a matter of months...
The reason these "negative" things are happening in our lives is because heroine is a painkiller.....that in my experience "numbed" emotional pain far more then psychical...I would KNOW I was doing the wrong thing but so caught up in my addiction I could NOT help myself from doing the right action....quitting...paying people back....paying my bills...paying my car insurance....stop stealing from family...STOP selling my own belongings I so desperately wanted to keep....and excelling at my work place.....You and I sound very alike ....I saw myself in you when I read your post....The only difference is the abuse in your relationship....I was in a 5 year relationship...engage to a girl....hiding my addiction...sneaking around....lying....and she was abusing me verbally not psychically..... Abuse is abuse.....No matter how much you love your boyfriend....The man you would allow into your heart and life should NEVER lay a hand on you....or support your heroine addiction....If this man really loved you....wouldn't he want to HELP you....not feed your addiction? Wouldn't he want to hold and caress you not HIT you.....think about it.....the heroine literally MESSES with ALL the chemicals in our brain....the longer I used the further I drifted from reality....I LOST EVERYTHING....
From an outside perspective it seems that you LOVE Heroine more then this guy.....You LOVE that he supports your habit...because you are an addict! Who WOULDN"T LOVE a significant other contributing to our addiction! That sounds like a dream come true to us addicts...a Lover who buys us drugs! But your situation is different....he HITS you.....I don't know where you live but in Los Angeles any man that beats on a woman like that is almost always met with a swift beat down...as long as the woman stands up for herself....that is one of the lowest things any guy can do is lay a hand on a woman....Especially the girl he is supposed to love and cuddle with?! I am very happy you reached out SOMEWHERE to SOMEONE!....You have to stand up for yourself!.....who knows one day it could be more then a slap or punch....One day it could be something that you can never recover from again....You have probably dealt with abuse most of your life or relationship like most of us addicts.....but the psychical abuse damages us more emotionally then psychically....The longer you take this abuse...the harder it will be to leave him and definitely the harder it will be to quit heroin.....You are halfway there! STAY AWAY FROM HIM!
Find the strength to block his number! PLEASE
Someday when you find the man who treats you like a princess...the way you deserve....You will look back and wonder why you didn't leave sooner! I love my ex girlfriend of 5 years sooo much.....But she is verbally abusive....as much as I would JUMP at the chance to get back with her....I have to look at the BIGGER PICTURE!!!..... Is 1-2 "Happy" Days worth 3-4 "Depressed Days!".....It didn't even matter that my girlfriend cheating on me multiple times....didn't matter she was a liar and abuser...it didn't matter that she loved stepping on me when I was down....the only thing that matters is I felt MORE PAIN then Happiness....We have been broken up since August...with a few random hook-ups in between...And New Years was our LAST hook-up.....I have been sober since New Years......
And you know what it is fucking ROUGH.....quitting Heroin is the hardest thing to quit in my opinion.....I HIGHLY 100% Suggest you go into in-patient....a 30 Day Detox Rehab....I fucking laughed at that idea when it was brought up to me....but quitting heroin will be nearly impossible to do on your own...Stuck in your own thoughts....Money available....connect available....I would NOT of been able to quit if I wasn't taken out of my comfort zone and given WITHDRAWAL MEDICATION!! You are going to feel 10/10 intense pain when quitting heroin.....the duration of the pain differs on the person and the amount/time you used.....Still to this day with 45+ Days sober I do NOT feel 100%....I still have urges to use.....I still am depressed....I still just want ONE...or two...hits off foil to calm my nerves and let me sleep.....but there is no such thing as one...or two...or three...or even 100 hits for US ADDICTS....there will NEVER be enough "hits" for us....the longer you use the deeper you will fall....the harder it will become....Deciding to quit is the easy part...being able to maintain sobriety during withdrawals that can last for months is the fucking challenge....Don't be discouraged about the withdrawals there is medication to help you slowly feel back to normal known as Suboxone...Subutex...or Methadone......these 3 medication can all help you quit and obtain sober time....You have damage your body for SO long that it needs time to heal.....You most likely know what dope-sick is.....that is the withdrawals I am mentioning....without ONE of the Three Medications I listed above I would OF RELASPED 100% of the time because the psychical and Emotionally Pain from withdrawal is way too intense...
The longer you stay the sober the sooner you can "start" your life again and move it in a "positive" direction....I started using drugs at 9 years old regularly by 15 I was insanely addicted to opiate pills and by 18 I was hooked on heroin...(Only because it was cheaper then 100$ a day for painkillers....but it was only a matter of time when I was spending 100$ a day on heroin...) Using drugs and alchohol has been such a common and present thing in my life that it feels SO weird being 100% sober....but the longer you stay sober the better you feel.....
I have already felt intense natural highs from LIFE! The way life is supposed to be lived! Heroin numbed my emotions so bad that I had forgot how to "Feel". And I believe the same has happened to you. If you were sober and healthy you would "FEEL" the pain from being abused and wouldn't think twice about leaving him instantly! Sorry about the super long message. I have been in your shoes and I know what it feels like to be a slave to heroin.....I am only talking about myself so much because I am HOPING by sharing my experience with you it helps you in some way...On Jan 2nd of 2015 I admitted to my parents I had a HUGE problem...(they knew for years but couldn't pin-point the result they just thought weed, beer, and too much partying) But on the 2nd of January...I had NOTHING to show for myself...I had SOLD EVERYTHING for Heroin....Lost my career....lost my friends...lost my fiancé...lost my hope...lost "MYSELF"....lost my "Happiness"...I was suicidal to say at the very least....I told them as much as I could changing the heroin out with Vicodin and Norco so they wouldn't overreact....They will always look at me differently from what I told them but they will LOVE ME MORE because of it....Anyways they were pissed as shit....ridiculed me for days but decided to send me to a 30 Day In-Patient Program to Detox and be kept in a "bubble" away from real life and ALL it's TEMPTATIONS for at least a month....it sounds like a long time...a fucking month! But what is a 30 days compared to the REST of your life? 30 days to SAVE your life...or at least point you in a positive direction...the in-patients are designed for you to look at YOURSELF and to help you build a foundation and "tools" necessary with facing Life....You NEED to be in a hospitalized situation during the first 2 weeks of withdrawal....it will be the most "rough" days of your life...and when I say hospitalized I just mean around people and counselors who CARE about you....who help you get through it....and provide you with medication to ease the pain....
If you are against going to in-patient then you definitely at least go to your doctor or a doctor in your area to get either Suboxone...Subutex or Methadone.....In my opinion Suboxone works the BEST.....it has an opiate blocker that essentially blocks the "High" created by heroin...keeping you clean one more day! THESE 3 MEDICATION ARE NOT!!!! Meant for Long term use....the withdrawals off these medications can be WORSE then heroin...ONLY IF used for months-years...or not "winged off" correctly....And as stupid, cliché and cheesy as this sounds....Narcotics Anonymous can shed tons of light on you and help you understand why you acted that way when using....why you used to long....how you are an addict....how to LOVE yourself again....how to live a life without HEROIN....If you would of told me to go to rehab or Narcotics Anonymous a few months ago while I was still using I would of laughed in your face....today I am SO thankful I walked into both of there doors...Narcotics Anonymous is only filled with.....People who have BEEN through what you are going through today! They have found a way to stop smoking heroin, meth or coke.....even when they used for longer then we have been alive...when they lost kids....lost SO much more then us...and STILL had the strength to RISE ABOVE there ADDICTION and become the person they were MEANT TO BE! "Higher Power" plays a big role in Narcotics Anonymous... but don't let that push you away...it's not ANY religion....it's whatever you feel like is YOUR higher power or your understanding of one...could be the Sun, The Ocean!, Jesus, Buddah..or anything you can imagine! I was atheist for 70% of my life....and even today do not have a strong connection with ANY "Higher Power"....but I am fighting this DISEASE everyday that is ADDICTION.....what we have....YOU and ME....is a DISEASE.....Addiction is classified as a REAL Disease.....a chemical imbalance in the brain.....a normal person can have 10 hits and not ruin there life trying to get more...or a normal person can quit when things get tough...us addicts CAN"T QUIT! No matter how much we try we can't quit...but there is ways that can help us quit! You are NOT Alone CrowetheCat! There are thousands of people who have been right where you are in life.....I am sorry if I came off "Ranting".....my mind was all over the place just trying to say something or anything that could give you hope in some way!
