SelectionIll
Bluelighter
I am not even sure where to start anymore, all the memories roll In one huge swell back from today, back from now, sitting in front of this screen, smoke swimming up from the ash tray. One thing I remember to be true. Family Affair (family affair was a rave). All night I spent fighting against a spreading darkness, all night I spent standing firm against the lonely night that waits for those of us that don’t know enough to stay away from perforated sheets and boys named Shy. It was a beautiful morning, covered in dust and stretched out in long acid trails.
I sat and focused on a girl.
She was magnificent.
All the things I had wished for the night before, she moved like water, swimming to the music.
I wish I could explain her arms.
She was young and her ethnicity made her mysterious. She flowed in the way that made all girls mysterious and I sat and watched her pulse and sway, desire pulled my muscles taunt. Her eyes tightly closed, she was wearing a powder blue tank top and beige pants that flared out and covered her shoes. Her legs maintained a singular rhythm while her arms swayed and bubbled up from her sides. I lost myself in her motion, so easy to lose myself in her motion. Even as I write this I can see her in the harsh morning glare, the demanding light of day, but she persisted.
From my right, I saw him walking toward her.
I knew he was going to her. Everything about him made me scream against it. Every cell, even the ones full of acid, screamed.
He had his hat cocked at a ¾ turn. A white baseball cap. His flared pants were ringed with dirt at the bottom, I was sick for him. Tight t-shirt and the limp, the limp that betrayed his insecurity, that desire to be someone else, the voice that embarrassed all the other people on the bus he rode to work, he had a pacifier in his mouth, chewing it, his jaws working side to side in extacy frenzy, The rim of his nostrils glistening with vicks vapo rub. He was walking right toward her.
I couldn’t stop him if I tried.
He tapped her on the shoulder, her eyes slowly opened.
They were crossed.
She threw her arms around him, leaned in close as he whispered something in her ear. She nodded absently. He called something to her. She nodded, his hands hustling, clicking, popping under her nose and I was embarrassed for both of them. She said something to him and he pulled a small white cylander from his pocket and handed it to her. She took it and stuck the rounded end in to her nose breathing deeply. I wanted to look away but couldn’t. Not for any reason, I just couldn’t look away. I wanted to see her. I remembered the way she danced, like I used to dance, the beautiful eyes closed, you forget everyone around you and believe you are dancing in your bedroom.
She handed the inhaler back to the boy and smiled, hugged him like she loved him, he turned and walked away. I didn’t watch where.
She closed her eyes and started dancing.
I watched her until Jimmy G came up and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk.
I should have talked to her, but what would I have said?
I hated the guy she just held.
I sat and focused on a girl.
She was magnificent.
All the things I had wished for the night before, she moved like water, swimming to the music.
I wish I could explain her arms.
She was young and her ethnicity made her mysterious. She flowed in the way that made all girls mysterious and I sat and watched her pulse and sway, desire pulled my muscles taunt. Her eyes tightly closed, she was wearing a powder blue tank top and beige pants that flared out and covered her shoes. Her legs maintained a singular rhythm while her arms swayed and bubbled up from her sides. I lost myself in her motion, so easy to lose myself in her motion. Even as I write this I can see her in the harsh morning glare, the demanding light of day, but she persisted.
From my right, I saw him walking toward her.
I knew he was going to her. Everything about him made me scream against it. Every cell, even the ones full of acid, screamed.
He had his hat cocked at a ¾ turn. A white baseball cap. His flared pants were ringed with dirt at the bottom, I was sick for him. Tight t-shirt and the limp, the limp that betrayed his insecurity, that desire to be someone else, the voice that embarrassed all the other people on the bus he rode to work, he had a pacifier in his mouth, chewing it, his jaws working side to side in extacy frenzy, The rim of his nostrils glistening with vicks vapo rub. He was walking right toward her.
I couldn’t stop him if I tried.
He tapped her on the shoulder, her eyes slowly opened.
They were crossed.
She threw her arms around him, leaned in close as he whispered something in her ear. She nodded absently. He called something to her. She nodded, his hands hustling, clicking, popping under her nose and I was embarrassed for both of them. She said something to him and he pulled a small white cylander from his pocket and handed it to her. She took it and stuck the rounded end in to her nose breathing deeply. I wanted to look away but couldn’t. Not for any reason, I just couldn’t look away. I wanted to see her. I remembered the way she danced, like I used to dance, the beautiful eyes closed, you forget everyone around you and believe you are dancing in your bedroom.
She handed the inhaler back to the boy and smiled, hugged him like she loved him, he turned and walked away. I didn’t watch where.
She closed her eyes and started dancing.
I watched her until Jimmy G came up and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk.
I should have talked to her, but what would I have said?
I hated the guy she just held.
