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Here I go.....S**T

K

Kawboy

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 12, 2015
Messages
16
Location
upstate ny
Hello folks. I have been poking around this site for more than a year reading stories of recovery and support for fellow man. I was involved in a snowmobile accident 4 yrs ago and it resulted in many broken pieces and a great deal of rehab and pain. I was placed on oxycodone (roxicodone) perscribed 6-15mg pills per day to deal with the pain. Well, I was fine for 2-3 yrs taking my daily dose but not being controlled by them. About a year and a half ago I started to really be concerned with them, making sure I had them on me at all times and generally spending far more time thinking about them than ever before. It was around this time I would take them less for pain and more for recreation and habit. I often would take 10-11 per day instead of the 6 I was perscribed thus causing me to have to curb my dose by week 2 of the month down to 3-4 per day. I did this month after month until Oct 14 when I admitted to my wife I had a problem and handed the pills over to her. Well being an addict by this time, I would find them and take a few at a time until she would count them and find out. She was dissapointed of course and one night she broke down prompting me to reduce my script by 30 pills a month. This went fine for a few months until I reverted back to taking a few at a time until my wife stopped bringing the bottle home and only bringing my daily dose home.

I have decided I am done with it. I will run out of pills tomorow and I am not going to refill. I am scared S**tless because one, I am addicted and two because I can not remember how happy I used to be before the pills. It is very scary to me. I have a massive amount of support here at home. My wife of 16 yrs is right by my side and I have even called my mom to come stay with me through the detox period. I have never had any desire to take my addiction to other levels of abuse, like heroin etc but I am scared of the cravings and the courage I will have to have. I have always been a strong willed person and I am so sick and tired of being controlled by a stupid pill that I believe it should be a relief but I am scared.

I have always admired the support folks give on this site and I guess I just need some re-assurance from everyone that I am making a great decision for myself and my family. We have a teenage son who is aware of his dad's problem and he is a huge support as well. I just want to be free from the grasp and get over it. Thank you all beforehand!!
 
Congratulations on making this decision, I know you must be scared! But it sounds like you have a terrific support system. What is your plan to detox? Are you going to completely stop at once or taper down the oxys?
 
Good luck, kawboy. Opiate withdrawals can be a pain in the ass. I advise tapering at least a little bit, but it's completely up to you. Time is your best friend; the more time you accumulate off the drugs, the better you'll be for it. That's what I always told myself when H withdrawals were kicking my ass. Try to pick up some hobbies or activities again. Sounds cliche, but it does work.

If you feel like you need extra support, consider going to a meeting or maybe discussing the situation with your doctor. Some people find meetings helpful while others don't. Your method of recovery is up to you. Cold turkey or taper, pleasant or unpleasant, we're here for you through it all.
 
Thank you for the support. It will be my momentum. I wish a taper would work for me but unfortunately I can't handle the stress that comes with it. I am beyond that I believe. As long as I continue to take them I will just want more all the time. I am in a place in my head that has decided it is time. I have one more pill I will take when Im ready and then thats it.
 
You have made a great decision. It sounds like you have the determination to get you off to a good start. Be prepared in your head for those sneaky little voices of addiction that are sure to try to convince you, "just once won't hurt". Use your thread to get through cravings or to write through the inevitable difficult thoughts. I've seen lots of people use their threads as almost a daily check-in or journal. It can be a good way to start the day with intention.

Does anyone else get enraged when they hear stories of doctors prescribing these doses for months/years without any conversation about inevitable addiction?
 
Hi, Kawboy! Congratulations, man. I was in very much the same position as you--prescribed hydrocodone, ended up taking way too many each day, and finally stopped. I also couldn't taper--I could always convince myself that I needed to take more. My detox was pretty miserable. Having all that support is going to be really important for you. We're all here for you. Let us know how you're doing!
 
herbavore said:
Does anyone else get enraged when they hear stories of doctors prescribing these doses for months/years without any conversation about inevitable addiction?
Click to expand...

Hey, Herbavore! Yes. Absolutely. The worst part is that my doctor kept upping my prescribed dosage as it stopped working for me. Which seemed fine, until taking 140 mg/day didn't work either. It would have been much easier to withdraw from 40 mg. I just hit 8 months off the pills. It took a lot of willpower to stay off them at first, but now I can look back and realize that I would rather experience transient pain than to ever go through withdrawal again. I am angry, but it's equally split between me and my doctor. If you had talked to me while I was taking pills, I would have defended him. Now, I'm angry because I lost so much time. I feel like haven't been really alive for the past four years. I still have physical issues, but at least my brain is back to being me.
 
Thanks everyone. It is so very helpful knowing EVERYONE is on my side. I cant wait to be me again. I am 22hrs in and feeling rather fine. I know it is sure to change. My wife has been giving me random things to take that she found browsing this site that have helped people get through their detox. My momma is coming down today late am and staying until im good to go. She is going to help my wife handle everything and be here for me. Pretty cool. It has been 25yrs since I really felt like I was gonna need mom.
 
Thanks herbavore. Yeah I feel so good about what/why I am doing this. Getting some restless arm thing in my right arm. Feel like punching a bag about 2,000 times. Weird.
 
Yeah the restless limbs for me end up being the worst part of withdrawal because I can't sleep. There are a few things that help with that.. magnesium is the most benign. If you can get it, lyrica (pregabalin) or neurontin (gabapentin) can help a whole lot with the restlessness, and they're not opiates. Lyrica gives a great high though so it can become pretty addictive itself for some. Neurontin is more benign, also not as good. Loperamide (it's the ingredient in Immodium but you can get generic brand for much cheaper) in relatively high doses can also help a lot with the symptoms but it's an opiate (that doesn't get you high) so it can set you back also, but if you're really struggling one day it can be a real help.

I was addicted to opiates for 10 years, but not for pain reason, I just started doing them because they were fun. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I've been free for almost exactly a year now and I can tell you that although it was difficult to get past it, it was easily worth every bit of the pain.
 
Clonidine might be helpful for the restless muscles you're having. I used to get that in my legs and it drove me crazy at night. I'm glad you have your mom and wife helping you out. Hopefully the comfort meds will ease your withdrawals, take care!
 
Brother, this is awesome!!!!
I am on day 5 cold turkey but I did taper down rapidly the last 3 days...dont think it mattered anyways.

Like you I also felt like I have been dead for years....had back surgery and n the beginning I didnt even wanted
the Oxys...I had fun and got high every now and then...soon enough I got more prescriptions, got my doses raised
over and over, started adding muscle relaxers and in the end my wife was miserable, I was miserable, she kept crying
and saying I wasnt "there" stopped having sexual desire and of course like you I suddenly saw how I was thinking about
the pills non stop...I hated it, made a choice and stopped.

I still feel it, its kicking my A#$ and yet I am ok. Now here is why I am writing to you:
Clonidine!!!!!

Get it, asap....it takes away the high blood pressure, the sweats, and the restless leg and arm symptoms
which is the worst for me......look at some reviews google clonidine for opiate wd.

http://www.drugs.com/comments/clonidine/for-opiate-withdrawal.html

Dont know if this forum allows links or not, and if not I apologize to the moderators.

Be strong, drink tons of water, surround yourself with distractions galore....
time used to be your enemy......now its your friend......this shall pass too......

I have had so many nightmarish dreams through my CT....last night I was trapped in a black box,
that was filling with water.......I remember thinking, nah I wont drown, theres gotta be a way to get air.
The box filled and.....no air.........I knew at that moment that it was do or die with these horrible pills.

My heart and Spirit is with you, keep checking in here let us know how you are doing!!!!
 
Thanks for the write up returntolife. I am feeling shitty but am just so content with it. I will take your advise on the meds for sure. My wife ran me a bath tonight and sat to talk. It has been so long for me that I can't remember if I was struggling or not. I was upset about that and then remembered that 2 yrs ago when the pills didn't have total control I built a motorcycle to my specs with the best of everything. That is still what I want to do. Would love to have more interest in it. I just got a harley that I want to do work to and realized why the interest was gone. Just like that I felt better about things. The damn pills.
 
Its been 48 hrs. Doing pretty good. Gonna get out and get something put together. Lawnmower, harley, who knows. Going fishing at my favorite most secluded serene small trout creek in the Adirondaks just up the road. That will be tomorows adventure.
 
Kawboy said:
Its been 48 hrs. Doing pretty good. Gonna get out and get something put together. Lawnmower, harley, who knows. Going fishing at my favorite most secluded serene small trout creek in the Adirondaks just up the road. That will be tomorows adventure.
Click to expand...

Now that is what I call good strategy. :)
 
Well I could have chosen to sit around the house and feel horrible inside and out but instead got out and put my new clutch on my harley. I have it in my familys shop about 8 miles up the road so my mom drove me and at 60 helped me get it all back together. Felt great to do it. One less thing hanging there. Doing well on the comfort meds. Glad I can accomplish something during this time.
 
Hey Kawboy hows it going?

I love bikes but I had this awful habit of always pushing the edge a little more every time....so I sold them
and let go of it...for now :)

Almost better than sex I swear.

Today was a good day, was busy all day, nothing heavy, but still....I found out about iodine.
Holy shit that stuff works so well on me, I didnt feel any WDs at all today, just a little this evening.

Clonodine took it down maybe 40% and Iodine did the rest. Research it and you will know why :)
 
I am checking on the iodine. Good call. It is so close to 72 hrs clean. I feel great this am.Going to the dr's now . Gonna talk about comfort drugs i'm taking and giving him the finger for letting me go for 4ys with no maint.
 
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