TDS here I am. again.

[Cartesia]

Had almost completely tapered off opiates... like to the point where I probably could have stopped completely without any harsh WDs. was down to 10% of what had become my daily dose after 8 years. that's not a daily dose that got me high, just what i could afford and would stave off WDs. mild buzz occasionally

Life was going so well after tapering. Didn't have any urge to get high really. Healthy, confident, sociable, motivated, HAPPY. It was literally the best 3ish month period of my life to date.

Work's been stressing me. Now I've gone right up to what my daily dose of opiates was at the peak of my 8 years addicted over the past couple weeks. Started putting on weight again after losing soooo much over the previous ~year-ish. I can feel my muscles shrivelling away too, haven't worked out since then either. Now the past 2 days I just couldn't deal with shit from the idiots at work so I switched my phone off. That's bad. I can't afford to not have a job.

Yesterday was payday.
Blew all my cash on ridiculous irresponsible reckless shit. Not all of it, but, I sure don't have anywhere near enough for my weekly expenses now. Factor out drugs for the rest of the week and there's probably nothing left. I can't actually bring myself to check what's in my wallet...

This is a new one to me. I've relapsed many times, but I've never lost it like this before - the last few times I relapsed were not major failures.. rather just speedbumps.. I never felt like I was back in a bad place. The recklessness is new to me too... All through my addiction, I always paid my way. Always just shut up and worked regardless how pissed off I was or how shit things were.. In part I think that was my lack of confidence then, lately I've been much more capable of standing up for myself.

On the one hand, I feel so much more confident than I ever did with dealing with shit.. but on the other hand, I feel like just curling up into a shell and hoping everything will just sort itself out without me looking. and that's the feeling that's winning out. Somehow despite knowing that's never going to happen, I'm perfectly convinced that everything will work out just fine if I bury myself for the rest of today (it's 5:30am, been up all night..)

I don't really know what I'm doing here or need help with. Anyone got any jedi mind tricks? some mild reassurance that everything will be OK?

Fuck. in it deeper than ever. 8(

 

[bennyZA]

First, I think it's a really good step to get your feelings out there. Writing down how you feel is a great way to put things into perspective. People here will support you so posting to TDS is a jedi mind trick in a way.

 

[Mysterie]

you're in a better position to get clean this time than you were the first time

every time you find yourself in a relapse you can learn from the experience and see what triggered you into using, then use that information to help you avoid these situations in the future

i kno what it feels like to wanna crawl up into a ball and disappear, but once you start tapering again you will get your life together one day at a time

 

[Cartesia]

Thanks.. you guys are right of course. and I guess that is why I came here. Bluelight is always a help. Although sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I'd never found it.. I guess that could go either way and given the people i was around it's probably for the best.

I think I was catastrophising a bit before. But at the same time, I may just be high again now and so not bothered by it all... probably both. hahaha. life is cruel sometimes. I'm going to hate myself tomorrow. Or whenever the drugs last until.