• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Here comes the rain - Opiate w/d again

RobotRipping

RobotRipping

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2011
Messages
4,000
Location
NS, Canada
Well this morning, i took the very last dose of my poppy seed tea. I am all out, supplier is gone (terrible company) and it is unfeasible and uneconomical to buy more seeds. So i guess it's time. PST got me through a lot of tough times and helped me improve my life. Lately though the side effects have been getting to me and i eventually wanted to come off of it anyway but it's now been forced on me.

I feel okay right now, even positive, optimistic and somewhat happy but i know the horror that i will experience in the next 72-96 hours and likely even longer. I have plenty of kratom, going to get some loperamide and will have ativan/valium and etizolam to rely on. This will be my third opiate withdrawal and likely the worst one as i have been on opiates every hour of every single day for almost 6 months now.

I have a lot of stress right now, emotional issues, going to school soon and i need to get all my shit together and stay functional. School is my plan to save myself, i came up with it in therapy and it has been the positive force that has kept me from massive depression and suicidal ideation. I have unbearable anxiety issues still though, despite therapy, medication, challenging my anxiety and improving my life. It gets bad enough that i get DP/DR quite often.

The reason i mention this is that i cannot deal with the anxiety and stay functional so that i can go to school. I'm more than likely going to end up on daily benzos and probably kratom as well. It's not ideal but i have 2 years of school left and i just have to get through it and can fix myself after that. This does sound like a terrible idea, especially since i've been massively addicted to benzos in the past but i know i can't deal with the underlying issues right now.

so wish me luck. This is probably better as a blog post but if anyone has some motivational stories about how they quit opiates and things became better and stayed better i'd be happy to hear :) I know the benzo idea is bad but i will actually end up in a psych ward without something as my agoraphobia and DP/DR get out of control. Maybe i'll just use etizolam as needed at first instead of just jumping head on into benzo dependence. Any support, tips are greatly appreciated. I'll probably also use this thread as a place for me to completely flip out in the coming days, the shift in personality, perspective and consciousness will be pretty drastic.
 
Do not get hooked on benozos you will regret it. Just.. jesus man.. benzo wd is horrible on a level OP wd isn't... its a harsh wd not unlike booze..

anyways .... you can do it lots of people do... but don't switch one drug for another please
 
yeah i know it's a bad idea. I've been through terrible benzo withdrawals twice. I was flipping out this morning about having to go through withdrawal again and ordered a bunch of etizolam. I'll take it as needed and avoid addiction as best i can. I wish my doc would just put me on 10mg valium/day then i'd be satisfied.

ah it's going to be hell tomorrow morning, hopefully kratom and immodium will hold me, good thing i have nothing to do for the next couple of months. I wish i could go on sub but doubt my dr would be cool with that.
 
a couple upsides to your situation are that you seem to understand and respect the situation you are in, and have made preparations, but i dont feel they are unnecessary/ over the top preparations like some seem to make which is just setting yourself up for a relapse IMO. the other is that you seem to legitimately want out of the addiction. im pretty sure you could find a way to get more opiates in some capacity if you were to try hard enough, but you are choosing to change, which is huge. good luck, and you'll make it :)
 
The kratom should hold you decently so don't get too anxious. (easier said then done, I know. I hate opiate wd more than anything in life. And facing it leaves me crumpled up in a ball.)

I started with pst, progressed to ppt, had a hefty habbit and was able to jump off with kratom. I'm not a kratom fan however and I had to redose constantly. I did feel minor wd through the whole thing. I still felt body aches, restless legs and some diarrea. But I was able to work. Lasted a month before I got on suboxone.

Good luck!!
 
Good luck, RR. I'm really happy that you are doing this. The pain and suffering is temporary--remember that when it seems interminable. ((<3))
 
AA and NA saved my life. The 12 steps aren't for getting sober. They are for getting happy with being sober. Therapy is good, but IMHO, it will avail you nothing.

Lack of power was my dilemma. Couldn't stay quit. Powerless (step1). So what do I need? A power, greater than myself, that could restore me to sanity (step2). Now I know my problem and solution. OK, better make a decision to do something about it (step3). Made that decision, now I gotta follow through. Action. Steps 4-5 with myself. Steps 6-7 with my higher power. Steps 8-9 with all of you in the world. Now, my side of the street is clean, and 10-12 keep me happy in the world, and maintain my spiritual condition. I'm HAPPY sober. Never thought that could happen. And for me, never coulda without AA/NA.

just my .02. Somebody else's 2 cents save my life once.
RobotRipping said:
Well this morning, i took the very last dose of my poppy seed tea. I am all out, supplier is gone (terrible company) and it is unfeasible and uneconomical to buy more seeds. So i guess it's time. PST got me through a lot of tough times and helped me improve my life. Lately though the side effects have been getting to me and i eventually wanted to come off of it anyway but it's now been forced on me.

I feel okay right now, even positive, optimistic and somewhat happy but i know the horror that i will experience in the next 72-96 hours and likely even longer. I have plenty of kratom, going to get some loperamide and will have ativan/valium and etizolam to rely on. This will be my third opiate withdrawal and likely the worst one as i have been on opiates every hour of every single day for almost 6 months now.

I have a lot of stress right now, emotional issues, going to school soon and i need to get all my shit together and stay functional. School is my plan to save myself, i came up with it in therapy and it has been the positive force that has kept me from massive depression and suicidal ideation. I have unbearable anxiety issues still though, despite therapy, medication, challenging my anxiety and improving my life. It gets bad enough that i get DP/DR quite often.

The reason i mention this is that i cannot deal with the anxiety and stay functional so that i can go to school. I'm more than likely going to end up on daily benzos and probably kratom as well. It's not ideal but i have 2 years of school left and i just have to get through it and can fix myself after that. This does sound like a terrible idea, especially since i've been massively addicted to benzos in the past but i know i can't deal with the underlying issues right now.

so wish me luck. This is probably better as a blog post but if anyone has some motivational stories about how they quit opiates and things became better and stayed better i'd be happy to hear :) I know the benzo idea is bad but i will actually end up in a psych ward without something as my agoraphobia and DP/DR get out of control. Maybe i'll just use etizolam as needed at first instead of just jumping head on into benzo dependence. Any support, tips are greatly appreciated. I'll probably also use this thread as a place for me to completely flip out in the coming days, the shift in personality, perspective and consciousness will be pretty drastic.
Click to expand...
 
i don't think NA or AA are for me. It would be cool to hear about how other people deal with addiction. I am generally a lone drug user, i don't interact with other addicts ever. It might be useful to try a meeting out but i don't really think it's necessary in my case.

I am such a cheap addict that if i can't afford my drug then i quit lol. Everything has to be economically sustainable or it's a no go. SO here I am. 1st day of withdrawal (29 hours since last dose) and i don't feel anything yet. Restless legs were bothering me pretty badly but i took .5 mg ativan and 12 mg loperamide and i slept 13 hours. This is really weird.

I feel very strange as well, like i haven't felt in a long time. It seems like i've been in slow motion for years. I just woke up so it's probably going to hit me but i usually feel much worse by now. I think the loperamide is holding me, maybe it's because i take omeprazole for acid reflux and it's potentiating the loperamide.

@gay.in.texas: thx for looking at the positives :) i could easily relapse but it will cost much more than its worth. The high sucks anyway and the side effects are just not worth it. If there were heroin on my local street corner i'd have a serious issue. Then again i'm too cheap to buy heroin anyway.

@art: i bought the kratom to detox, i don't like it either, it's not bad but really doesn't affect me much. I haven't used any yet, just going with loperamide for now. I don't get opiate cravings much anymore but when i do i just take kratom. This is how i plan to manage my cravings in the future. I wish i could get on suboxone but probably a bad idea at this point.

@herb: thanks for the support, you are always so helpful and always come up with something i didn't think of

@podsnomo: thanks as well, i appreciate the help. I'm not even sure there are NA meetings around where i live but i have never checked into any of it. My biggest issue is coping with reality. My dad has bipolar and to this day it really messes me up. I've learned many tools in therapy to cope and deal with things but it's still hard.

i'll probably post an update at 72 hours and see how well the lope is holding me by then :) unfortunately PST has such a long half live that it's probably still leaving my body. The withdrawal lasts much too long.
 
Hey Robot, I was a loner when it came to drugs also. I had one druggie friend who would hook me up, but I mostly just re-uped from him and used on my own. That's part of why I got so into poppy pod tea. I could just buy my shit online, get it in the mail, grind it up when no one was around and make my tea throughout each day. Just a lone wolf, feeling like I had the key to happiness and kept it to myself.

Part of recovery was having to own up to my problem to others. It's a tough road.

NA/AA is not for everyone. I go off and on but am not super turbo NA. I don't have a sponsor. Sometimes it's good to feel apart of a community and not feel so alone in it. Other times it feels like people talking just to hear the sound of their own voice, and some people get on my nerves. But it doesn't hurt to check it out.
 
I am so interested to see how this is working out for you RobotRipping. We have some similar issues with opiates. Bipolar anxiety depression- etc. I was in pain management and have been cut off and put on subs. I am also keeping a post similar to yours where I check in. Although you are getting feedback and I'm just keep talking to myself- I'm new here. I'm not totally ready to quit. I've gone to AA meetings and I just can't seem to belong. I've gone to NA meetings and eh- people are better but idk? I am also very private and discrete in my use. It's personal. It's self medication. It's bad but it's all I can do that works better that 80 mgs of Prozac and 20 mgs of Valium and 100 mgs of topamax and 100 mgs of Lamictal. Take all that away and give me 40 mg Opana a day and I'm a okay! But no. It's not right.
Whatever. Love peace and happiness to u robot :-)
 
@art: i used poppy seed tea for the same reasons. Just order it, comes to my door, not even illegal and it was cheap. Similarly i find RCs useful in the same way. If i had to buy off the street i would never have an addiction to anything. I find support groups focus too much on drugs. Like a group of people sitting around obsessed with sobriety, basically making recovery and sobriety their new addiction. I don't really care either way about being 'clean' or whatever, my goal is to live the most functional life possible and if drugs don't allow me to do that then it's time to quit. That's my only critique and if it works for others that's fine.

@aeros18: i'll have to look around for your thread. I self medicate more than anything else, i rarely even get high unless i'm combining different substances, which is a rare treat. Thanks for the kind words, it's good to know there are other lone junkies out there :)

well pretty easy day so far, i don't know what it is but i'm not feeling withdrawals. I did start sweating really bad earlier and thought, 'here it comes' but i took some kratom, more immodium, laid down for a while and i was okay. Ended up having hypnogogia like i was nodding or something, very strange. I kind of feel like i drank a bunch of cough medicine or something but better than full blown withdrawals like i was expecting. I'm sure it will hit me sometime soon and if not i may be the luckiest person around. I have absolutely 0 energy though and can't stop sleeping which is the complete opposite of my previous withdrawals. My last withdrawal i ended up in the ER sweating like nuts and having a massive panic attack.
 
When I'm withdrawing I sleep all the time. I'm the opposite of most people I guess. I feel so fatigued and just sleep, sleep, sleep.
 
yeah i seem to be that way this time around. I'm now at about 53 hours since last dose, no symptoms still, kind of messed up. Slept 12 hours straight. I feel better than normal if anything.

poppy tea used to give me this terrible bloated feeling all the time and now it's gone. It's weird getting up to start my day and not preparing my tea, it was a ritual, a shitty one but still. This is kind of like getting prepared for a huge hurricane to come and rip your house apart and then nothing shows up.
 
That's how I feel this time around. I'm starting to wonder how much of my a withdrawals were emotional/psychological ? This time I knew I would be given methadone and then suboxone and that I had a safety net. Not like when I'd run out because dealer was unavailable and rx ran short. If start to panic, sweat, racing heart, throwing up, nightmare! Pretty much a panic attack with a reason and a quick cure.

I feel sooo lazy. Unmotivated. Tired. Apathetic. I'm hating myself. I really see no point in quitting right now. But I will. It makes my husband happy and in the long run it will be good for us all.
 
yeah i think your psychological state plays a big part in withdrawal but i didn't want to quit really. I also expected the worst and still nothing happened. I feel less depressed and more hopeful about everything. The nagging anxiety i usually feel is gone as well. I kind of wonder if i was even getting high, i feel normal like i would if i were on my regular dose. It's probably the combination of loperamide and 1x/day kratom as well as having tapered down to about 1/4 my regular dose over a few months prior. I'm just about out of the woods, if i can keep feeling this way for a few more days then i am completely through withdrawal with no pain, at all.

I don't even think PAWS will be an issue this time because i don't really crave that badly and if i do kratom solves it. I was on different opiates for about 1.5-2 years daily, from codeine, kratom, hydromorphone to poppy seed tea.

ultimately you have to quit for yourself, because you are tired of the life or tired of the side effects. What really hit me was when DoomMood (bl member) told me that my emotional state was out of whack from being on opiates. I couldn't really understand it at first but he was right. It was making me slow, depressed, tired all the time, sleeping most of the days away and stuck in cycle of feeling euphoric and feeling dysphoric. That was the biggest reason i just decided i'd had enough.
 
I totally get it. When your DOC stops working for you and you start working for your drug. Not a food place to be. And how quickly some of us end up there. Some worse than others.
 
well it's day 4 now, still no real symptoms, had a few panic attacks and that's it.

so looks like i'm going to make it, now to get my benzo use down and i'll be free. I feel normal now too, it's weird. Thanks to everyone for their support.
 
That's awesome!! Sounds like the kratom is helping quite a bit. I bet if you stopped, the wd and paws would hit. Keep on keeping on robot!
 
All the responsibilities get to me too. The school , finding another job, social life etc. Except it would be much easier for me if i had all that stockpile of drugs lol. It fucking sucks i wish i had etizolam atleast. I slipped up on H and its a full 24 hours gone without some now and i had to take loperamide which i hate taking because it feels so fucking dirty with many side effects.

Be careful with the Benzos like everyone already said. Maybe use thekratom to taper and then use the benzos to taper off the kratom

Good luck, its unreal how a feeling like withdrawal exists and even more unreal how it never gets easier.

Damn just noticed your doing better already that's great. Its hard to see everything on a phone lol
 
Tarnum said:
Good luck, its unreal how a feeling like withdrawal exists and even more unreal how it never gets easier.

Damn just noticed your doing better already that's great. Its hard to see everything on a phone lol
Click to expand...

LOL, the phone for internet is a great metaphor for how we see--or don't see--the bigger picture in life, right? That gave me a chuckle, Tarnum. "...unreal how it never gets easier"..oh, wait! It did get easier? ;)

I think sometimes the anticipation of something horrible is worse than the actuality when it finally arrives. Being a worrier myself, I know this one inside and out!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top