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Her past is destroying us! HELP!!!

I would approach her with the concept of going to counseling during a time when you aren't fighting or arguing about problems.
For whatever reason, when people try to tell other people (with problems) they should seek help- they tend to look at it as an attack.
People really have the wrong interpretation on who and what counseling is for. It has such a bad rep.

If you really want to give this one more go- I would sit down with her and calmly explain that the relationship isn't working for you anymore, and that you want to do whatever it takes to make it work for the kids sake, and her sake as well. I would tell her that you believe that she is a beautiful person in and out and that it kills you inside that she's hurting. I would tell her that as hard as it would be to leave her- something has to be done because you can't keep living and watching this cycle repeat. Tell her that she's a grown adult and it's fine if she wants to be stubborn- but if not get help for her sake- the at LEAST do it for the kids. Tell her that you would go with her if she wants. Ask her to think about what's really important to her... and if saving her family is worth it.
 
Telling her that the relationship isn't working for you anymore will immediately make her feel under threat and is not likely to have any therapeutic effect.
The only thing you have going for you is your love and appreciation of each other and your desire to give the kids a good start in life.
There is a way through this, but you are going to have to be strong for both of you to lead her out of this.
If you can't face it anymore, you should tell her in the nicest way possible that the relationship is at an end.
 
Let me clarify a few things real quick...I am not claiming 2 b innocent in this whole situation...I have several issues myself,my brother and dad died when I was five and I was also n a wreck with my grandma at 13 (she was killed in it)...these issues effected me greatly,however,for the larger part I have dealt with them and used it 2 make myself a better person.

She knows what pushes my buttons though,and at times she will do just that. Anytime she insults my dad I flip on her,even having grabbed her up by the throat against a wall yelling n her face 2 never insult my dad again(this not in front of the kids of course). Also when she starts spitting these insults toward me, I cannot help but say just as mean things back.How can I help with this? Cause I realize this to only perpetuates the cycle.I try 2 walk away and ask her 2 quit arguing b4 we both say mean things,but she still continues,knowing harsh words will b said. Its almost like she wants me 2 say them.

I truly am a gentle person and would help anyone anyway I could. But she brings out the absolute worst in me(but best as well). As she once told me herself " I am as sweet as I am mean"...

Pariahprose
 
breath control.

Breath controls anger.

You have an anger problem - I know, I used to have one too.

Chant "OM", haha. :)

It works! Just in case you scoff...from your PM I reckon you won't scoff.

It takes a few gos before it stops feeling ridiculous when you walk away, with your fingers in your ears, going "OOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM"...but it works.

Watch your physical behaviour, and when you are calm, and she is relatively bright, sit her down/hug close and talk to her about her button pushing drama queen personification -adjust her body language to being receptive - if she crosses her arms, purposefully and gently uncross them, then hold her hands gently so you can calmly control her behaviour. Tell her why you are doing this. Make her understand you are doing your best to help her help herself, as she has made it clear she is not ready for therapy yet.

WHen it comes to controlling the angry outbursts - you need to take control, you sound more together than she does in some ways, and therefore you NEED to take it upon yourself to stop the angry fire - she will follow suit.
 
I have tried breathing(but not with the mantra) and it never works until I can get alone and sort things out...seems like leaving for a little while is the only solution,but she always coaxes me back,most of the time 2 apologize but also 2 keep fighting some of the times. I have stayed completly calm b4 n our fights and told her we do not need 2 fight,that there is no reason.

Maybe I should tell her that from now on when we fight I am going 2 go for a walk everytime instead of some of the time like I currently do and cut my phone off(like I also do when I go walking usually for at least 30min-1hr)...maybe she will get the point that if I stand by doing this that I am not going 2 fight with her? She usually tries 2 throw up that the kids are whining for me(which my two yr old does do when he even sees me walk outside without him sometimes) or some other kid related reason...what do I do about this? Ignore it bc I know its just one of her games 2 get me 2 come back(unless it is a true emergency involving blood,broken bones,etc)? I always prefer 2 walk away n a fight and wud much rather use my mind 2 find a solution 2 it...

Pariahprose
 
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