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Helping/comforting someone who's about to lose a child :(

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
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Nov 3, 1999
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it feels incredibly weird putting this up on an internet forum, but nowhere else to turn right now...

luckily, i've never had to deal with death much, and am almost 30. Unfortunately, i just found out that my best friend's child isn't going to make it much longer (seems this will happen in coming days :(

I was playing with his daughter last weekend and everything just seemed 100% (i knew she had this rare/aggressive cancer, but it just didn't seem real because she seemed so f'ing healthy, and this is last.fucking.saturday...)
I suck with children. I have zero experience with death. now my best friend is about to lose his child, and i am completely clueless on what i can/should do to help make this easier...

any and all replies are extremely appreciated
 
I'm sorry your friend is going through this. Maybe "The Dark Side" would give you better feedback than SLR? Anyways, there isn't really much you can do to comfort your friend, short of eradicating their child's illness. However, if you let them know that you are always available to listen to them, as a shoulder to cry on, I think that'll help them.
 
What a horrible, horrible situation - I'm very sorry to hear it :(

There will be nothing you can say or do to make the any situation better unfortunately, but I'm sure you know this already.

Just be supportive, and make sure he knows that you're there for him. People deal with such grief in so many different ways, and there are many different stages that one can go through. You just have to take it as it comes, and focus on being understanding and supportive throughout it all. Make sure you look after yourself too - this is very important. You will be no good to anyone if you neglect yourself and suffer for it.

I also agree that TDS would be able to give a lot of good advice in this instance. They have a bereavement thread over there I think, so it may be good to have a read through that to gain an understanding of some of the feelings people face when dealing with something as tragic as this.

Good luck, and I'm sorry to hear this once again :(
 
I'm so, so sorry :(

As Mel said, just be there for your friend and respect however ways he finds to deal with the grief. Let him know that you'll be there to support him through those horrible moments.

<3
 
I work with the terminally ill, but its a far different scene when its a personal loved one (not that I don't love my patients).

The best you can do is be there and supportive unconditionally. This means whatever she needs, whether it be constant attention or the adverse. Whatever her wish is.

If you're at all familiar with any other the eastern religions and how they handle death they're a comfort and a blessing to have by your side. Western culture kind of sweeps death under the rug, which is a shame because not only is it inevitable but its a necessary part of the whole existence process. Books on mindfulness and dealing with the terminally ill will be of much use, and I don't know how old the child is, but if you can keep them company perhaps read to them in their hours of need as much as you can, I'd do it. Animal therapy is great to, if you've a cat or were considering getting a kitten, nows the time. I've seen unresponsive people show unexpected and unthinkable emotion and response to puppies and kittens, its quite a miracle.

Anything they want, do it. I'd look into a book written after a maps.org study by a mother who's terminally ill daughter and her learned to cope with the dying process with use of LSD in psychiatric setting. I don't know the age of the child, so I thought I'd throw this out there just in case.
 
Thou absolutely hit the nail on the head regarding the ways the different cultures deal with death. I have had several loved ones very close to me die. I have also miscarried three times and have one living child.

In all cases, I was comforted the most by people who would acknowledge my loss, be there consistently when I wanted to talk about it and also when people would bring up stories or tell me ways that my dad for instance had changed their lives for the better.

What drove me freaking crazy was when people who I know knew about it would just pretend like it didn't happen, or would go out of their way not to mention it, almost like it was a taboo subject....I mean, they lived, they impacted this world....are we never to speak of them again?

I am so sorry you and your friend are having to go through this. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that comes with losing a child.
 
thank you so much guys, didn't know what i was hoping for but this is great :)))
thou- he's my age (almost 30), and his daughter is 2.

I'm gonna call him again right now, i don't know whether he wants me to come be there (hospital) or not and don't want to bother yknow? got an "emergency" call yesterday, but after calling/messaging back many times i never heard back. am trying to "be there" without being annoying, because i'm clueless how he's handling this- that's worrying me a lot.

thanks again everyone, weird talking about this online/with strangers but it's the only spot i have right now - for some reason it seems more appropriate than neighbors/drinking buddies..
 
I think you should just call and if he doesn't pick up, leave a message to let him know you're just a phone call away and ready to come over immediately if he needs you there. It's understandable he isnt answering your calls or texts but that way he will know just in case he needs a friendly shoulder.
 
for sure - just left another vmail :)
part of me just wants to go to the hospital, but don't know his family so may be inappropriate. will just keep my phone handy and hope he calls if he needs me
 
I lost a child, though he made it a lot longer than two years. I have good friends that lost their three year old and several other friends that lost teenagers and young adults. No matter what the age, the grief and loss are unimaginable. I was just writing on my son's shrine tonight how unexpected each stage of grief is. In our case we are a surviving family of three. We all grieve differently, heal differently and experience the loss differently.

What got me through the really intense shock in the beginning were supportive friends. My friends organized meals, cleaned my house, paid my bills, washed my hair even. The people that gave me the most comfort were the ones that didn't try to cheer me up, didn't try to say wise things or give me their own comforting beliefs but could simply sit with me in all my desperation and hear it unfold. Your friend is in for a long, long journey with this hole in his life. Assuring him that you will be there with him and then not being afraid or uncomfortable with how long it may take for him to regain any sense of joy or balance is invaluable.

There is an international organization called Compassionate Friends. They were started by parents that lost children and are a support group for parents who have lost children. They have many regional groups as well as an on-line forum. I'm sure they would be a great resource for you, too, as they probably have advice about supporting friends/family members.

Good luck to you and to your friend and his wife. <3

P. S. Your friend will never be able to ask for anything most likely even though that is our natural inclination to say," If there is anything you need, just ask". He won't be able to. So if you see something--something that you know he used to care about that he can't keep up with, just jump in and do it. I love my garden and I didn't even think about it after my son died. A friend that knew we were having people over after the memorial hired a gardener to come and just spend a day there. I ended up going out and working with the gardener which got me outside for the first time in days.
 
^herbavore is a woman with the experience to help you, bmx. Listen to her, heed any advice she gives, and be thankful you did come to BL with this issue because I don't think there is anywhere on this earth where you can access people who have had their hearts just shattered...

and survived it.

My own kids are grown and I have grandbabies. How are your friend's parents taking this? How many grandbabies do they have? The pain of loosing the grandbaby, plus the pain of watching the adult child suffer such a loss, must be painful. It hurts me just to think...

I'm really, truly sorry for the loss of this little one.
 
invaluable guys, i'm beside myself here this is way more than i'd have hoped for.

herbavore- thank you that was great- and i can see how the 'let me know if i can do anything' is kinda a weak approach (and that's what i'd been doing, lots of "i'm here if you need me let me know anything" type of texts). also there's no wife, afaik she's basically super-estranged. it's him / his ex-gf / his daughter as the focal of his life, with me having recently slid in there (i've only known him several months, but he kinda turned me bi so things are far more intense than any typical 'new friendship' - therein lies my complete inability to gauge him in such a situation :/ )

thanks again everyone; i don't know what i was hoping for, but this far exceeds it :)
 
concentrate on your friend put all the effort in to him/her know one else,its such a shame,i couldnt deal with anything happening to my kid,the poor,poor,poor people i just blessed myself for them. rip little one.
 
i'm hoping he swings through so i can be with him, am waiting to hear back. his ex (the mother) and him are together right now but she goes home (wherever that is) today, am imagining i'll be with him most of the coming days.
 
I'm late to tshe threadbmxxx, sorry I missed replying sooner and just now see your update yesterday now I've almost finisshed this reply. So sad, but she advice I was getting to posting still stands. There's very little you can say that will make this all that much easier to bear, so don't beat yourself up too much thinking you gotta try like crazy to do that. What's more important is that you're just there for your friend, whether she wants to talk, just sit, go do stuff while trying to make some kinda sense out of it with or without needing you to be around. Just be there if she decides she might want you around, bounce ideas back to her, be a sounding board she can play out her emotions on if she needs to. Just be you, same old you, same as ever was old friend to her, ready to help as quick with practicalities as with intangibles like emotions. That's what will be remembered in the end, that you were simply there, not the amazingly poignant insights made the angels smile to see them you might feel you should at least try to make. It's a natural process with its own pattern taking its own sweet time about it without there being all that much you can do about it so nothing really to be done but be natural yourself with it. If your history / involvement makes for some tricky navigating a little bit of simple empathy with what's common sense appropriate to her other relationships and commitments will usually show you what to do that's most needed any given moment pretty instinctively.

Sorry it's been rough for you, and of course for your friend. My condolences to those family and friends lost a loved one.
 
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Oh, my heart breaks for all of them--the parents, the grandparents, the aunts and uncles. I am so glad that they did not have to witness pain. One thing I know about the coming days is that they are sacred in the same way that birth is sacred. When a life comes to the light, or when a life leaves, everything is altered. Every other thing just drops away and there is this reality, and only this one for a while. That is why I say it is sacred. Let this pain and loss and gratitude for the brief time they had her be as huge as it really is. Soon enough life will assert other demands. Right now is the purest form of grief and I think it is so touching that you are in this to the extent that you can be with your friend. He will never forget it, I guarantee that.<3
 
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