Help

[w0w0mg]

I want to stop this insanity.
I sit here going thru heroin withdrawals, wanting to die.
The only fix for me seems to get more drugs.
I don't want to anymore.. I just want everything to be better and it wont.
I lack support - My anxiety takes over when I go to meetings and I end up relapsing.
I trust no one. I want to die. I can't take this anymore.
I just want to be normal again, but even normal is not normal, if that makes sense.
I have been fighting with opiate addiction for over 8 years now and there is only so much more I can take of this.
My family doesn't care anymore, they think I can just quit.
Please tell me it's going to be okay, tell me I'm not losing my mind.
I know people here know what am I going thru, but honestly, I'm not totally sure.
Even when I get sober, all I think about is killing people or myself. I day dream about it.
Opiates numb this. It is my oblivion.
I sold my soul to the devil, and now I pay the piper every morning until I get my fix - Then back to oblivion.
I have this check - I'm willing to walk 6 miles to cash it so I can get more heroin.
Should I off myself?? I know I'm just ranting. Venting indeed. I am doing this to keep my sanity.
I'm trying to tell myself it will be okay.
Why the fuck did I do this to myself? Nobody in my family has been to prison like me or has done these drugs.
What makes me so different? Why won't my mother talk to me? I just want support, without it I'm forever stuck
in the insanity of my own addiction. As I hold this gun to my head - I salute the ones that defeated addiction.
For me - I am just not strong enough.

 

[manboychef]

you are among friends that understand you. I have been in your exact position......and to answer your last question...yes you are strong enough, you just don't know it yet.

Everything will get better. In active use our minds are whirlwinds of chaos that can only be quelled with a simple drug...a fix if you must. They call it a fix because it fixes you. It makes you right with the world...but from your post I can tell you have been on the otherside of that and you are reaching out for help. Maybe your family will never understand. My family couldn't get why I couldn't just quit either.

It took detox, rehab, and therapy coupled with medication and meditation to help me.

I just wanted to post a quick note to you and let you know you are not alone!

 

[Sapphiresun]

You are def not alone.... Addiction is not prejudice. It doesn't care where u come from. It doesn't care about gender, age, race .... But it certainly does consume us in every way possible. Sometimes just quitting is a far cry to stop any habits. I suggest to really dig within yourself... And it can be painful. Rip down the walls and find out why. Why did we become an addict? I've found myself sitting on the floor naked hugging myself crying trying to let myself know and comfort myself. We didn't become addicts over night and it doesn't go away over night. I wish u wellness clarity and probably some much need quality rest. Be safe out there.

 

[manboychef]

remember....easy does it. Start slow with just detoxing...and as soon as you are out of detox...in fact while you are in detox start planning your recovery.

Babysteps:
step 1: detox from drugs (hopefully medically assisted in a facility....this does make it easier, even though you will hate being in there at the time)
step 2: While you are detoxing, talk to a case worker on placement in a sober living facility or long term rehab....this will give you enough time to separate yourself from those that only wish you harm (dealers, using buddies etc) It will also give you enough time to start working on the emotions and uncovering what causes you to "not just be able to quit". I associated my rehab stay with pealing a rotten onion. Yeah you gotta peal each layer and each layer may leave you disgusted...but there is a core of goodness in there for you to build your best self upon.
step 3. While you are in detox or rehab or sober living, get a doctor to psychoanalyze you to find medications to help fix the problems you have internally that cause you to self medicate.
step 4: sober network...do this while in rehab. Reach out to people you meet that have the sobriety you want. Give your family the ultimatum....you are getting help, and they are going to need to get help to be able to help you (ie alanon, family counseling)
step 5: this is by far the easiest step...just don't use everyday. Think to yourself "I feel like I want it, but today I am not going to use, I will put it off till tomorrow," when tomorrow comes do the same things. You would be surprised how many days will go by without you using if you don't use the absolute "I will never use again."
step 6: figure out who the hell you are without drugs...get involved in working, the community, charity...whatever helps you come down with an acute case of the warm and fuzzies.
step 7: This is paramount...if you slip, get right back on the wagon. Don't ever feel ashamed of using. It is a part of recovery. Rome wasn't demolished and the empire destroyed in one day....so why should rebuilding it only take one?

Remember, I am here for you...PM for any help, or if you just want to talk.

 

[jlm86]

Good luck to you.. Ask God for help even if you don't believe it.. On the knees..
Yes it's a bitch.. But you as you know are sick mind body spirit...

 

[What was it?]

remember....easy does it. Start slow with just detoxing...and as soon as you are out of detox...in fact while you are in detox start planning your recovery.

Babysteps:
step 1: detox from drugs (hopefully medically assisted in a facility....this does make it easier, even though you will hate being in there at the time)
step 2: While you are detoxing, talk to a case worker on placement in a sober living facility or long term rehab....this will give you enough time to separate yourself from those that only wish you harm (dealers, using buddies etc) It will also give you enough time to start working on the emotions and uncovering what causes you to "not just be able to quit". I associated my rehab stay with pealing a rotten onion. Yeah you gotta peal each layer and each layer may leave you disgusted...but there is a core of goodness in there for you to build your best self upon.
step 3. While you are in detox or rehab or sober living, get a doctor to psychoanalyze you to find medications to help fix the problems you have internally that cause you to self medicate.
step 4: sober network...do this while in rehab. Reach out to people you meet that have the sobriety you want. Give your family the ultimatum....you are getting help, and they are going to need to get help to be able to help you (ie alanon, family counseling)
step 5: this is by far the easiest step...just don't use everyday. Think to yourself "I feel like I want it, but today I am not going to use, I will put it off till tomorrow," when tomorrow comes do the same things. You would be surprised how many days will go by without you using if you don't use the absolute "I will never use again."
step 6: figure out who the hell you are without drugs...get involved in working, the community, charity...whatever helps you come down with an acute case of the warm and fuzzies.
step 7: This is paramount...if you slip, get right back on the wagon. Don't ever feel ashamed of using. It is a part of recovery. Rome wasn't demolished and the empire destroyed in one day....so why should rebuilding it only take one?

Remember, I am here for you...PM for any help, or if you just want to talk.

This is true and awesome advice. Fundamentally, after you have detoxed (and even now) you have to associate opiates with PAIN. They cause PAIN and AGONY. There is no real high in addiction as you know, just relief from withdrawals. When you are getting clean focus your mind on the pain that opiates have inflicted on your life. Don't think...oohhh, I want high, high....it's an illusion. think PAIN PAIN PAIN. It's a way of rewiring your brain and it empowers you. Also, don't fall into the trap of shame and guilt. We have all done bad things here. We are human. It's ok to make mistakes. You are surely a good person. And something deep down inside you is saying you are worthy of not inflicting this pain on you anymore. Go for it bro, you can do it!!! And all of us on this forum are here to support you.