Help.

[Smack Attack]

I am 18 and i have been hooked on heroin for 3 years. I haven't gone a week without w/d kicking in, for the whole time i've been chained to this terrible affliction. I had meth to guide me through my first few days back at work, but i am never going to make it tommorow. One more day off and i am fired. I can't bare this feeling, i am scared to fart. I feel dirty, im freezing cold and i am sweating like a beast. Your typical w/d made worse by the fact my mum has a week's script of meth in her hand bag, and a shit load of money. I ain't a bad guy but holy fuck i would be sorted for a week if i take that bag and just run....

Sorry this is the only way to keep me sane, somewhere to vent. Sometimes she will give me meth, but i have begged all week and i know i wont get any. Money is out of the question. I really do not know why i have decided to post after years of lurking, i just want to talk about it i guess. (my head is a mess, sorry if i didnt make much sense.)

Its like i have took a bad hit of acid, without ANY of the upsides. Totally wired into a horrific come down x1000. I JUST WANT ONE MORE CHARGE FUCK.

 

[Vaya]

It sounds to me like the first thing that you need to address is your environment. You have a mother who, aware of your struggles with heroin addiction, willfully dispenses methamphetamine to you and leaves a purse, loaded with money, unsupervised? The truth hurts, but you simply cannot swim in an environment as dysfunctional and enabling as that one. The opportunities for you to sink, however, seem overwhelmingly numerous.

I ain't a bad guy but holy fuck i would be sorted for a week if i take that bag and just run....

You don't sound like a "bad" guy to me. But that would be a BAD decision. You may be "set" for a week... but it's likely you'll be devastated for a lifetime. It's easy to stop caring about oneself in the throes of such a powerful addiction, but you appear to want to kick this. I'm glad venting here helped you, no matter how small a way. You might take that as a powerful and reinforcing sign that seeking a support network could be instrumental in helping you to change your life around - and there are plenty of options out there I and others here are absolutely willing to share with you! I'm making the assumption you want help based on the title you gave your thread. Please don't hesitate to seek it from as many sources as are necessary to prevent the disease from killing you, my friend.

Get back to us. We're here.

~ vaya

 

[NOLA]

Meth---methadone or methamphetamine?
OP used the term "mum" which leads me to believe he may be in England where methamphetamine isnt that commom

 

[Smack Attack]

It sounds to me like the first thing that you need to address is your environment. You have a mother who, aware of your struggles with heroin addiction, willfully dispenses methamphetamine to you and leaves a purse, loaded with money, unsupervised? The truth hurts, but you simply cannot swim in an environment as dysfunctional and enabling as that one. The opportunities for you to sink, however, seem overwhelmingly numerous.



You don't sound like a "bad" guy to me. But that would be a BAD decision. You may be "set" for a week... but it's likely you'll be devastated for a lifetime. It's easy to stop caring about oneself in the throes of such a powerful addiction, but you appear to want to kick this. I'm glad venting here helped you, no matter how small a way. You might take that as a powerful and reinforcing sign that seeking a support network could be instrumental in helping you to change your life around - and there are plenty of options out there I and others here are absolutely willing to share with you! I'm making the assumption you want help based on the title you gave your thread. Please don't hesitate to seek it from as many sources as are necessary to prevent the disease from killing you, my friend.

Get back to us. We're here.

~ vaya

I meant methadone, but you summed it up in a oner. I grew up around this shit, and my mum dealed so i always had some H. Everyday for atleast a year, then my mum left and got help. I was stuck in this flat at 15 all by myself and depression got a hold of me and never left which resulted in me being a rotten junky.

I found vodka in my cuboard today, drank the whole bottle to numb the pain and met a chick to chill with. She wanted me to get her weed so i took her money and got a hit. Now its wearing off, i realise i ahve done 3 days of my detox and just fucked everything up. Back to square one, only this time at work. I am so fucking depressed i just want off this shit, but i always convince myself it will be my last. One more to prepare for a detox. I was addicted before i hit fucking puberty, my mind has grown around heroin if you understand what i mean. It is a part of me. When i am off it for a week, even 2, i ain't a good person. I am a nervous freckin weirdo. A paranoid wreck.

I put a noose from my loft down to the first floor, place my neck in it ready to jump. Even though i am high, i still hate myself for what i have become. But i did not have the balls to jump, i just broke down once again like a little bitch about how pathetic i have become.

A little story for y'all.

I had the best gear in the city, never blocked in the pin or nothing. It was straight legit, never any problem befores. I laoded up a gram hit and planned killing myself there and then and it stopped half way, and i couldnt phsyicaly push the plunger any deeper, untill i konked out and woke up 8 hours later with the needle still in my arm.

The next day i bought another half gram, but took it senseably and it never fucked up once. I tried to OD again with a large amount and i couldnt push it any further again. Til i knocked myself out.

This was a sign, now correct me if i am mad. But i ain't religious at all. I do not belive in any of that shit, but after fate saving my life TWICE. I am ready to learn. This post prolly' sounds more looney than me in the flesh, like i said i have to vent.

INB4 TL:DR
I am stuck in a heavy heavy heavy depression and i am too pussy to kill myself. I dunno what to do anymore, being a addict sounds the only way. What else choice do i have? I am a fucking freak without it.

 

[itglowsblue]

Holy crap... as Vaya stated you need to get the f**** out of there. As far away from your current environment as possible, trying to shake off your demons.
Dude, your life is just about to start. Be strong and don't touch that sh*t anymore, even if it hurts like hell.
You said it became a part of you. It's not. It's parasite sucking the life out of you. Shake it off.

 

[maxalfie]

I take it that your mum knows you are addicted then. If so she must realise what the withdrawals are like. If taking another day off work would result in you getting the sack then surely yr mum would help you out with some meth to make sure you can go to work and keep your job.
I know what its like to go to work while you are clucking and its nigh on impossible to get anything done let alone make it through the whole day.
So cant you ask your mum for some meth and then next step would be to get your own script sorted out.

 

[Opiates4lyfe]

A bad situation, at least you're asking for help. It would seem as though your mom wouldn't be much help, Sadly it sounds like this situation whether you want it to be or not lies in your hands. Your w/d is going to be hell, try maybe staying with a friend for a week to help you get through it and to help you be away from the drugs in your house. I understand it's a situation where you could not fully control, didn't know better growing up but obviously you're old enough now that you recognize this can't go on. It's up to you my friend be strong and get through this!

 

[herbavore]

You are an unbelievably strong person. You were handed a script to play out long before you were old enough to write your own. You are not a freak without your drug, you are only inexperienced with that kind of life. Give yourself compassion for where you have come from and where you are now. You have chosen to walk right up to the edge of annihilation and then pulled yourself back. This was not only NOT cowardice, it was courage. Learn to see the difference.

Something deep inside you knows that there is another possible life outside of the one you are in now. As others have said, changing your physical circumstances is very important. I know this is often easier said than done. Important changes can be accomplished only one way: by making them priorities. If you make it a priority to get out of your current living situation and into one that does not tempt you like this, you will not only accomplish that goal but you will experience the success of taking control of your own life. You are young and everything can feel like it is set in stone. But everything is changeable if you learn how to push. Baby steps in the right direction are way more effective than dramatic lurches without a plan. So make some plans and then identify how you could go about achieving them step by step.

Once again, please try to remember how strong and full of courage you really are. You can not only beat an addiction, you can create whatever life you want. It all comes down to intention and patience. Acceptance and compassion for yourself can be a daily practice. You have all my admiration already. Much love to you, too.

 

[flyonth3wall]

I am terribly worried about this guy... Are you okay man? Please let us know. And please do not do anything stupid The best thing you could do right now is go to your local Dr's surgery and explain the situation, and they will put you on methadone maintenance. I know this because I live in the UK as well. Please go see them. Much love, and stay safe If you need someone to talk to, message me k?

 

[mareseatoats]

Smack..you are being so flipping hard on yourself! We all do stuff that sucks and we regret constantly, but don't be so down and hard on yourself. If you really want to stop this horrible cycle of use and withdrawal, and you say your mom had once left to go get help for herself- do you think she would help you check out a place to help you recover, some sort of rehab(if that's something you would want to do of course). Or if you don't feel comfortable with having mom involved, is there somewhere you could go and ask questions; find out if you can get help, some sort of detox, and maybe even financial help with it? Sometimes there is assistance for rehab that you might not know about until you ask the right person...

If you do get some help, recovery can mean a world of difference when it comes to the way you feel about yourself; about your life. When you don't have the pain of addiction and withdrawals hanging on your back constantly any longer, then life doesn't feel as much like a hell, where the only escape us to end it all.

If there is a chance that you can find a little help quitting, then you could feel and live life with less agony, and experience/enjoy things that make you happier; help you forget that you had ever contemplated giving up.

I'm going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers; don't let this thing get the best of you--it's your life; don't let these lame drugs that tear us down and take everything from us, get the final say on YOUR LIFE.

 

[Smack Attack]

Thank you all for the support, wow! Too many posts to quote every one as an individual, but i am alive. Which is the main thing i suppose, i ain't going to lie i have been back on it again for the last few days...I really do want clean, i never take it to get a gouch although that is always a bonus. Only to take w/d away. I have always refused methadone as it is one thing for another, but i am going to go for it. At least i will be steady, and not chasing tenners.

Some V serious shit IRL has caught up with me, i haven't been questioned yet but i know they wanna talk with me. I am totally innocent but would be looking at like 4 if found guilty so to be fair i have been numbing the pain of that as much as possible. Bad luck follows me around like a plague! I can't kick the depression. I debate ODing everytime i have enough as i know my life isn't worth living anymore. My arms are a mess, and i am only young lad. I never wear t shirts. I barely have any veins left in my whole body and i have only just turned 19 today.

Yeah thats right my shitty existence has lasted 19 years thus far. I appreciate all the support, it does give me a real boost. But thats only for a few minutes. What if i get jailed for this thing, im so scared. The pappers said the investigation was closed, but they were asking if i bought the chap who died alcohol that night...My heads a mess, i can't wait for anothere 3 hours til my dealers open to spend my remaining funds yet again. I am so sorry for letting you all down, i wish you could walk in my shoes for a day, shit gets harder and harder.

I feel extremely ignorant not replying to each post, but I can assure you I read every word. Too see that you all genuinly give a toss is amazing. I don't mean to sound corny but i've never had people treat me like this. I am defo going to start my meth script, but they will want me to go in everyday to start me on 30ml only..I can't do that i work, how would they work around that? -S

 

[Smack Attack]

I mean really though, who the fuck worrys more about people seeing the state of there arms because jail t shirts more so than the actual time? Bleh..Only me i guess!

 

[hgwells]

Damn dude! You can fucking do it! I don't know what the comedown off of Heroin is, but I have see it happen to someone firsthand, and I can tell everyone who is reading this that it harrowing- only the closest of friends should be around, and they need to be strong.

Do you have a strong friend base?

I fell in love with a guy who was an addict of All opiates-
he wasn't gay like me, so I didn't tell him how I REALLY felt (I couldn't help it) But I didn't want to loose him a s a closed friend- and he was just an amazing, funny guy.

ANYWAYS
hahah
sorry, didn't mean to go on some silly rant-

Good luck! honestly, you don't have to steal to gain-
you have to suffer


Anyways, this friend of mine, we had been together for about 3 years, finally did himself in.
he didn't think he was very important.

 

[Smack Attack]

I wish it was a 23 hour comedown i really do. I thinkt he longest i was off it was a week and a bit, i don't care what anyone says the easy bit is the first week ("easy" is a major understatement)its once you get fit enougth to function again, the battle is all in your head. Dunno if anyone else agrees?