Northern LIGHTS
Bluelighter
Hey, decided to join bluelight since i unfortunately have anxiety from making too many stupid decisions over the last year and a half. I'm pretty sure that my issues are largely due to using too much MDMA over this time. I know there are plenty of these threads around, but i really don't care as it doesn't hurt asking.
Now for a little personal history. sorry if it is long, confusing, and exhausting, as i only want to be as accurate as possible so people have accurate ideas of me.
To start off, I am now 20 years old (as of january 26) and am 5'11, weigh 170. i smoked weed and drank first at 12, and did it regularly after 15. I also tried coke first at 15-16, but didn't do it again until december of 2011. I also smoked cigarettes starting september of 2011.
i first took molly around late september/early october 2011 during ACL in austin, only a point. Started out by spacing my rolls a good couple months apart, and used only 3 times between then and february of 2012. during this time, i also took LSD twice (candy flipped the first), got a bad batch of LSD (suspected DOB?) in december, and did coke several times. This is where i started to get really stupid with it. I never did research on the long term affects and just believed that i was fine so long as i didn't OD. So i went to a rave and dropped a half gram in a night, along with some coke as well. In 3 weeks later during an excision show, I took tabs for the first time, (took 2 of them) and they were probably dirty as i had crazy insomnia for about 3 days. did coke that day too. Also had two days somewhere in there (a week or two apart) where i dropped a ten strip and half a strip of pure LSD.
The next experience (probably my biggest binger) was at Nocturnal Wonderland music festival, and during the first day, i did a gram of blow, took a tab of E (felt pretty clean, kinda speedy), smoked DMT, drank, and smoked weed. The second day i took a point of molly, smoked synthetic and real weed, drank more, took about 5 hits of LSD, and finished the night off with 2mg of xanax.
following that weekend, i had a several experiences with coke. Only a few with rolls, some with shrooms and other psychedelics, which all were slow until the summer. Everything picked back up mid summer, as i rolled many times after quitting blow. first roll after a long break was 2 tabs which made roll WAYYY too hard at a show. then, I took .3 one day about a month later (with about a gram of blow), .25 the next weekend at a show, .2 at two instances during parties (had a small 5 second seizure episode at one of them). Also had a bad trip (25-I suspected) where I blacked out and looped, and to this day me nor my trip buddies knew where i was for about 6 hours.
The worst day of them all was a follow up to a .2 roll the night before back in early september of 2012. My buddies and I found an "acid" connect, and well, it wasn't acid at all. I never followed the "bitter-spitter" rule before, and this time made me aware of that. I took 5 hits (suspected DOB by me. told by an experienced person that it could have been that special dragonfly we all have heard of, but i probably wouldn't be here if it was), and then took another .2 of molly. I had mild serotonin syndrome or hyperthermia, as i was throwing up and uncontrollably shaking. These were like conscious seizures i was having, and was aware of it all. Later that night, i had to help a suicidal friend back to senses so they wouldn't jump off a 8 story garage, then went on to trip for another 1-2 days (about 55 hours total for the trip) before going to ICU, where they gave me xanax, ativan, valium, ambien, and some other random shit. i was prescribed ambien and xanax afterwards, and everything (besides weed and drink) slowed to an eventual halt. I rolled twice since (once on tabs, once on pure MDMA) and realized I lost the magic. tripped once at a bassnectar show on 2 hits of suspected DOB (on sugar cubes so couldn't taste any bitter), and did coke once. Took xanax and ambien only a couple times, tried fentanyl once, and smoked weed regularly. stopped ALL hard drugs after my last roll in november (1 point of pure and i freaked out) except for my prescriptions of xanax and ambien ONLY WHEN NECESSARY. I occasionally smoke weed and drink, and have almost successfully quit smoking cigarettes after a year and a half of use.
So, to conclude i rolled about 20 times (including samples and key bump days). In those twenty rolls, I took tabs 4 times (estimated 6.5 tabs), and got pure stuff 20 times (my connects always tested for purity before selling, and would be honest if it wasn't). I tripped LSD about 10 times, got fake acid 3 times, and did shrooms only 2-3 times. I did coke about 30 times, and was never big into abusing pills as that is how my best buddy back home fucked his life up as it led him to heroin. I was however prescribed xanax and ambien (as stated above) took celexa for one day (which stopped due to a bad reaction the first day) and now am on buspar(?) for the anxiety starting today. All of this was during the last year and a half.
The odd thing is that the anxiety/depression came in around christmas (about a month after my last roll) and has worsened ever since. There definitely are contributing factors, as my mom had open heart surgery which bothered me a lot, and several other instances like my suicidal friend that 5 hits of what the fuck night, and a night my mom called me during a rolling/coke binge to tell me she is killing herself and just took a bunch of sleeping pills). Now, about 2-3 months after any rolls, I have episodes of crazy anxiety and mild depression, and the old me that loved and enjoyed so many of the simple things in life is almost gone. It sucks.
So I wrote this long winded speech to ask for some advice from those who were in the same position I am (or still are) and to see how and when i will be back to normal. I also wanted to warn people that by being an idiot like I was, you are messing with your brain and even worse, your life. Please be responsible with your drug use. I am grateful to be here to tell my story, as plenty of us are much less fortunate. IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU. DID TO ME AND I HAD THAT SAME MENTALITY. IT CAME VERY QUICK WITHOUT WARNING. You only get one body, one mind, and one life. Care for it.
Thanks to those for any advice given, and I will give a updates to try to give a timeline for my recovery in order to help people have a sense of scale for the recovery process.
Jason
Now for a little personal history. sorry if it is long, confusing, and exhausting, as i only want to be as accurate as possible so people have accurate ideas of me.
To start off, I am now 20 years old (as of january 26) and am 5'11, weigh 170. i smoked weed and drank first at 12, and did it regularly after 15. I also tried coke first at 15-16, but didn't do it again until december of 2011. I also smoked cigarettes starting september of 2011.
i first took molly around late september/early october 2011 during ACL in austin, only a point. Started out by spacing my rolls a good couple months apart, and used only 3 times between then and february of 2012. during this time, i also took LSD twice (candy flipped the first), got a bad batch of LSD (suspected DOB?) in december, and did coke several times. This is where i started to get really stupid with it. I never did research on the long term affects and just believed that i was fine so long as i didn't OD. So i went to a rave and dropped a half gram in a night, along with some coke as well. In 3 weeks later during an excision show, I took tabs for the first time, (took 2 of them) and they were probably dirty as i had crazy insomnia for about 3 days. did coke that day too. Also had two days somewhere in there (a week or two apart) where i dropped a ten strip and half a strip of pure LSD.
The next experience (probably my biggest binger) was at Nocturnal Wonderland music festival, and during the first day, i did a gram of blow, took a tab of E (felt pretty clean, kinda speedy), smoked DMT, drank, and smoked weed. The second day i took a point of molly, smoked synthetic and real weed, drank more, took about 5 hits of LSD, and finished the night off with 2mg of xanax.
following that weekend, i had a several experiences with coke. Only a few with rolls, some with shrooms and other psychedelics, which all were slow until the summer. Everything picked back up mid summer, as i rolled many times after quitting blow. first roll after a long break was 2 tabs which made roll WAYYY too hard at a show. then, I took .3 one day about a month later (with about a gram of blow), .25 the next weekend at a show, .2 at two instances during parties (had a small 5 second seizure episode at one of them). Also had a bad trip (25-I suspected) where I blacked out and looped, and to this day me nor my trip buddies knew where i was for about 6 hours.
The worst day of them all was a follow up to a .2 roll the night before back in early september of 2012. My buddies and I found an "acid" connect, and well, it wasn't acid at all. I never followed the "bitter-spitter" rule before, and this time made me aware of that. I took 5 hits (suspected DOB by me. told by an experienced person that it could have been that special dragonfly we all have heard of, but i probably wouldn't be here if it was), and then took another .2 of molly. I had mild serotonin syndrome or hyperthermia, as i was throwing up and uncontrollably shaking. These were like conscious seizures i was having, and was aware of it all. Later that night, i had to help a suicidal friend back to senses so they wouldn't jump off a 8 story garage, then went on to trip for another 1-2 days (about 55 hours total for the trip) before going to ICU, where they gave me xanax, ativan, valium, ambien, and some other random shit. i was prescribed ambien and xanax afterwards, and everything (besides weed and drink) slowed to an eventual halt. I rolled twice since (once on tabs, once on pure MDMA) and realized I lost the magic. tripped once at a bassnectar show on 2 hits of suspected DOB (on sugar cubes so couldn't taste any bitter), and did coke once. Took xanax and ambien only a couple times, tried fentanyl once, and smoked weed regularly. stopped ALL hard drugs after my last roll in november (1 point of pure and i freaked out) except for my prescriptions of xanax and ambien ONLY WHEN NECESSARY. I occasionally smoke weed and drink, and have almost successfully quit smoking cigarettes after a year and a half of use.
So, to conclude i rolled about 20 times (including samples and key bump days). In those twenty rolls, I took tabs 4 times (estimated 6.5 tabs), and got pure stuff 20 times (my connects always tested for purity before selling, and would be honest if it wasn't). I tripped LSD about 10 times, got fake acid 3 times, and did shrooms only 2-3 times. I did coke about 30 times, and was never big into abusing pills as that is how my best buddy back home fucked his life up as it led him to heroin. I was however prescribed xanax and ambien (as stated above) took celexa for one day (which stopped due to a bad reaction the first day) and now am on buspar(?) for the anxiety starting today. All of this was during the last year and a half.
The odd thing is that the anxiety/depression came in around christmas (about a month after my last roll) and has worsened ever since. There definitely are contributing factors, as my mom had open heart surgery which bothered me a lot, and several other instances like my suicidal friend that 5 hits of what the fuck night, and a night my mom called me during a rolling/coke binge to tell me she is killing herself and just took a bunch of sleeping pills). Now, about 2-3 months after any rolls, I have episodes of crazy anxiety and mild depression, and the old me that loved and enjoyed so many of the simple things in life is almost gone. It sucks.
So I wrote this long winded speech to ask for some advice from those who were in the same position I am (or still are) and to see how and when i will be back to normal. I also wanted to warn people that by being an idiot like I was, you are messing with your brain and even worse, your life. Please be responsible with your drug use. I am grateful to be here to tell my story, as plenty of us are much less fortunate. IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU. DID TO ME AND I HAD THAT SAME MENTALITY. IT CAME VERY QUICK WITHOUT WARNING. You only get one body, one mind, and one life. Care for it.
Thanks to those for any advice given, and I will give a updates to try to give a timeline for my recovery in order to help people have a sense of scale for the recovery process.
Jason
Last edited:
