Hello again Ljr! We are happy to be here for you.
First of all, wow, give yourself a pat on the back. You've been through some tough shit! Having a parent who struggles with their own issues with substance use is hard enough, but couple that with everything you must have suffered having to go through with your mother trying to take her own life and now having her in the hospital in such a serious condition cannot be easy. Parents are supposed to be there to look after and care for their children, not the other way around! It must be so hard
I am so glad you are with your grandmother. It is so important to have family support in this kind of stuff, ESPECIALLY at your age. What is your relationship like with your nana? Does she know anything about what you have been struggling with?
I hear yeah on using DHC instead of dope because it's all you can get. At least DHC will be a bit safer for you than heroin. Does it have any Tylenol/APAP or anything other than DHC in the tablets, or is it just straight DHC? If it has other ingredients make sure you learn how to safely take it using a CWE method or by taking low enough amounts of it so as not to damage your liver.
I also here you on the anxiety front - that is how I fell in love with opioids myself. The first opioid I ever did was methadone. I had no idea what I was taking, I was just like, "Gimme the pills man!"
A bit later I was hallucinating my eyes and ears off I was so high from just like 5mg of methadone, raising my fists in the air of my college's quad screaming, "I love methadone!" What a fool... (and thank god no one was around to hear/see me
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
)
Opioids were awesome for me because they allowed me to function, particularly from the ages of 19-22, without having to deal with my challenges regarding anxiety. Like dirt swept under the rug, the anxiety was all still there though, merely masked. The opioids just held it down and made it manageable. The thing is, with something as demonized and criminalized as opioids in our cultures, sooner or later opioid use won't be manageable. Basically, if one keeps using heroin and opioids in a climate like the UK or US, at least (if not all) of the following will happen:
The stigma surrounding opioid use will cause you interpersonal or career problems;
There will be a very real possibility of getting involved with drug law enforcement, given the criminalized nature of what we choose to put in our bodies;
You will run into issues with biological health concerns, like assesses, HCV, vitamin deficiencies, and various other complications thanks to issues inherent using under the regime of drug prohibition;
You will develop mental health concerns, like PTSD, from the shit one must go through to be a part of that underground drug using scene;
And underlying mental health issues (such as your struggles with anxiety) will increase in severity if left unaddressed.
Basically, and I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you have a lot of hard work in front of you. I say this, because I can see something of myself in you. My 20's fucking sucked, but that is because they were entirely a struggle to get my head in the game of life after losing myself to the depravity of the war on drugs and substance use disorder. I didn't start working on myself until I was like 23, but it took a lot longer for me to really get my recovery under control - not until I was more like 27 or 28 - because I ended up seeking out help from people who had no business being allowed to help anyone.
I say this because you need to find yourself good, healthy supportive people to work with you. A mental health worker, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a general practitioner, all these types of people can help you do a whole lot of good for yourself. Developing productive, meaningful relationships with such folks isn't easy, but it can be done if you area careful and have other people helping to give you feedback (whether on BL or elsewhere) who have been through that kind of thing before.
At the end of the day, getting back into the things you love is what is going to help you create the kind of life you want for yourself. It's all about where we place our attention, how we spend out time, energy and resources. If we spend all our time, money and efforts on getting the drugs we need to get high, instead of challenging ourselves and putting our resources into healthier pursuits (like community groups, hobbies, dance, art, music, schools, anything related to what brings you joy), we are just going to end up better at using drugs.
But if we focus our energy on healthier things (and frankly, you already know what some of these are - anything that is not unhealthy is health!), doesn't matter what the fuck they are or what anyone else fucking says about them, as long as they are healthy for us, we will end up healthier, more fulfilled and happier ourselves.
Next time you notice yourself getting really anxious and feel that impulse to use opioids to deal with the difficulties of that kind of uncomfortable mood state, try and remember that the anxiety is only temporary. It will pass. It always will pass. The thing is, that is just like how drug use works - it will feel really good if we use to cope with our anxiety, but those blissed out feelings will also always pass - and then we will just be left with our anxiety again, plus whatever damage we caused ourselves and others along the way.
Now, the good news is that people tend to age our of harmful patterns of drug use. When one is young, it is really difficult to give up momentary bliss and instant gratification when we're stressed out. Growing up (particularly for folks like us who struggle with anxious feelings), becoming an adult, is very much the process of learn to let go of needing to change thing now, of needing to run away from our present just because it makes us feel uncomfortable. The thing is, we don't need to feel alright. We can be alright even when we don't feel good, we can be safe even when we are sad; sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all.
Have you ever heard of mindfulness? Or mindfulness based stress reduction? You would be an IDEAL candidate. I highly recommend you read Tara Broch's book
Radical Acceptance and check out my
MBHR thread.
Have you ever thought about getting on some kind of opioid replacement therapy outpatient program like buprenorphine or methadone? It could really benefit someone in your position, though it will still be a lot of work. Wishing you the best!
Today,
May you be safe and protected from harm,
May you be happy and content with what is,
May you be healthy and free from illness and disease,
May you be peaceful and live with ease;
May you love yourself,
Forever and always.
Keep your head up OP!
