Mental Health HELP with cravings and need to go to ER

[sniper5252]

Not sure if this is in the right area but I seem to be having a weird and annoying problem. I have been opiate free for 15 days but over the past 4 days have been getting really bad cravings. I have also been looking for reasons to go to the emergency room. I have gone to extreme lengths including hitting myself with a hammer and repeatedly punching myself to cause injuries. I really don't want to use opiates but subconsciously I am trying to injure myself and go to the ER for opiates. I feel like I also like the attention at the hospital. I do have a legit injury and can easily get opiates from my doctor whenever I want, but I do not have that desire. I only want to go to the ER and I know this is bad since I have been 29 times in the last 2 years, all for legit reasons that either resulted in admittance or surgery. I feel like I am going through Er "withdrawal" also.

I feel like an idiot for this but don't know what to do. I really want to stay off opiates but like I said, have this deep seated desire to go to the ER for opiates and attention. I know she will never say anything but I know that this is all taking a toll on my wife. She always goes with me too the ER and doctor's visits and all. She knows I want to stay off opiates and she is very reluctant to ask me if I want to go to the ER anymore, since I always get pain meds there. Even over the past week, when I have shown her the bruises i caused over my body, that I blammed on falls, she never asked if I wanted to go to the ER. She just said it will get better, it just takes time to heal. I really wanted her to say lets go to the ER, but I know why she didn't. I know all of this rambling probably doesn't make sense to anyone, but if it does and you can give me your thoughts on what I should do, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks in advance.

 

[Pagey]

I'm sorry but I don't really know what to say other than you just have to force yourself to stop hurting yourself and trying to find excuses to go to the ER...there isn't really anything else to do. It would probably be good if you had someone you could talk to about this since I guess you haven't been able to with your wife - do you see a therapist? Maybe that would help? Going through psychological withdrawals alone is a massive task and there isn't much point trying to undertake it. Try to get as much help and support as you can

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Sniper, if you are going to continue to use opiates then you need to find a sane way to get them. Your statement that said something like I really do want to stay off opiates, but i have a desire (another conflicting want) to go to the er to get opiates and attention.. says to me that you are now a real addict and will have to find your way out of that jungle you wandered into. If I were you I would do this in order, admit I'm an addict, find a sane means of obtaining your needs until you are able to lay down a map of working your way out of the undeniable situation that you now find yourself... If you have any doubt as to this being fact, A NORMAL drug user doesn't injure himself on purpose (or really ever or at least when there is any other option out there, and there usually are many) to get medication (IMO I think you are kidding yourself about the attention seeing how your wife accompanies you to the ER on your self inflicted surgery dope seeking trips).

Sniper let me be frank, as a fellow addict I understand and hope you find the strength and perseverance to figure this out.. But as a fellow junkie, really snips, if you are going to continue this lifestyle then its more than high time you pulled your head out from in between the E and the R and found a better way of getn this done. Active addicts get it done no matter what, every single day, In more crazy ways than there are numbers, but there is no doubt in my mind that there is a better way out there for you. realizing your an addict and witnessing what it has pushed you to do should start you thinking of planning your first escape out of the active part of this insane life. My very best wishes.. Oh, and please remember to try and pull the rip cord on a parachute out of this crazy life while you still can float down to something pretty safe and nice

Edit: Are you physically dependent at this point as well as addicted. physically dependent is the need to use opiates all the time or go into withdraws while addicted is the overwhelming compulsion to use opiates but need not include physical withdraw at this point? You need to research addiction so you know what you are facing.. addiction only gets way worse never better until you make the effort.. and it is a considerable effort in most cases but fully possible and definitely worth it.. You can do this, the first and hardest step to anything is starting

 

[RedLeader]

My medical records talk most doctors out of giving me benzos, and given that it was never easy for me to find them on the black market, I have fantasized about ER visits to try and obtain them. So I can sort-of relate.

Then again, way back when I was street-copping heroin, often the thrill of the chase driving down to the inner-city pushed me past the point of deliberation and into my car. I think we all have an attraction to the events that lead up to scoring. And you are so used to getting opiates this way that it is now what excites you.

The harsh reality is that getting clean is really, really hard no matter how you do it. I have a good amount of professional and academic achievements that impress people a lot, but I know deep down that everything. Else I have worked for in life has been a Cakewalk compared to getting off of heroin. And it isn't really any different for prescription painkillers. It is so hard to take each step forward and yet so easy to take a dozen back.

When was the last time you had 90 days clean? For me, it gets significantly easier after 30 or so. When the PAWS really starts to fade. By 90 I feel totally reborn. Yes, I still have always failed, but after a few months my relapses feel like conscious decisions and not the spontaneous antics of an addict, like hitting oneself with a hammer to go to the ER.

 

[T. Calderone]

Sniper you should see a psych doctor and try to work out a plan and be honest. You say that you don't want to be on opiates, yet can't control your urges to hurt yourself in order to get them. This is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. I knew a woman who slammed her hand in the car door on purpose so she could get pain meds. Another time she faked a urinary infection at the ER, they had her urinate in a cup and she pricked her finger so there would be blood in the sample. Crazy things people do when they are desperate for drugs. You gotta get help for this problem. This has gotten out of control and where I live (south florida) they would have pegged you as drug seeking long ago. Sooner or later it will catch up to you and the hospital staff will never take you seriously.