THE_REAL_OBLIVION
Bluelight Crew
Alright here goes,
The last 3 benzo pill fill I have done were disastrous. I get my valiums every 2 weeks, I asked for this when seeing my psychiatrist so I wouldn't end up 5-6 days without benzos when I'd have panic attacks. So he did that, and scripted me 15 .5mg xanax for the panic attacks, continuing to use valium (20mg a day, nothing noteworthy) as a background GAD medicine. I went through my last refill of 30 valiums 10mg in 4 days, trying to catch a high from suboxone, same when I got the 15 xanax, those were gone in 2 days. Then I saw my suboxone doctor, and thankfully they had records from my pharmacy showing my neurologist was also scripting me topamax (lol) and rivotril (clonaz) .5mg bid. When I started methadone last year, I was left with the choice of keeping one benzo out of two even if I "need" both. I gotta say the reason why I'm scripted clonazepam is a lot more sound and helpful for me. I'll get to that soon. Last detail, seeing that I had an appointment with my neurologist (who always renews me my scripts no question, I might be asking him for a rise to 1mg bid of clonazepam and get rid of the valium, keep in mind I haven't used clonaz as the background benzo since over a year). So she scripted me 15 .5mg clonaz and surprise surprise, 2 days later I was out of them. The mg dosage of each pill just isn't cutting it, I only feel it when I take 1.5mg minimum (I used to take 3mg a day until mid 2010 when I got sick of it and did a valium taper, but got stuck at 20mg).
I had forgotten how clonazepam was efficient for several of my health issues : clonazepam is used in neurology for seizures but also nerve pain and migraines, which I do get plenty since a decade, hence me getting to know the wonderful world of benzos 8) through a neurologist, not a shrink, that came later. It is very efficient at making the practical daily head pain go away and lift my mood magnitudes. I'm now on suboxone since a couple months and it finally stabilized my body...by that I mean...I'm now feeling normal again, no more opiate high and I've come to term with the fact that as long as I am on 10mg of suboxone a day and even if I was on less...I'll never be able to be high again. So here comes the real gist of the post, the first paragraph was background preemptive info.
When I get into one of those in-between-refills shit out of luck days my main symptoms are mild, because I've been in tolerance withdrawal for a long time now, getting into a lack of benzo for 5-6 days isn't as dramatic as it used to be for me. The worst symptoms are still nightmares and waking up feeling distressed for an hour at least, and if I have cigarettes I get my cool back. But I still am lacking sleep and getting terrible headaches again. But other than that, I don't feel constantly on the edge of losing my mind, which is WONDERFUL, I thought I'd never get out of that, it would drag on and on until I had my refill, but I imagine I have endured tolerance withdrawal (due to the methadone clinic cutting one of my 2 benzos back then), that I am now past that, is that possible even if I continue to use ?
About telling myself no, I have very reasonable reasons other than the beneficial neurological benefits benzo give me, to be using benzos, my life situation, mostly because of somebody else, is not awesome, I am in constant worrying, which is normal for me, I feel it is warranted. Which is why I eat them pills so fast, not only am I under-dosed, my life situation is incomprehensibly shitty (by lower middle-class standards ¬_¬).
I tried giving my pills to someone who will dispense them to me everyday at the correct dosage before, it worked, but then I felt like I didn't want to be on benzos everyday, I want benzos, and as many as possible/needed when panicking/waking up from a nightmare and going right back to sleep peacefully (those are my best moments in all honesty, waking up only to take 15-20mg of valium and go back to that hypnotic sleep while I am still feeling hypnopompia).
I just don't see how I can optimize my situation regarding my "minor" tranquilizers. Sometimes I think I should have NEVER told my psychiatrist I was sick of being on that much clonazepam (the 3mg a day I was on from 2007 to 2010), well no, I was on 2.5mg a day for a long time and it wasn't cutting it, 3mg was. And it did for several months then I remember watching some terrible news on tv and not giving a shit, thinking about my life and not giving a shit, and thinking how I was sick of feeling like a zombie. All of this might resolve itself when I'll visit my neurologist next month, who'll happily renew my scripts for a year and send me on my way, I feel like I'll have to force his hand to get more, but even then, it's been so long I've been taking .5mg bid (as far as he knows), a dosage increase is warranted.
I really missed clonazepam, it's massive muscle relaxant effect it has on me and slight drunkenness feeling...it's the only thing that eats away my constant background mini panic attack of a life.
Sorry if this was too wordy for you guys.
The last 3 benzo pill fill I have done were disastrous. I get my valiums every 2 weeks, I asked for this when seeing my psychiatrist so I wouldn't end up 5-6 days without benzos when I'd have panic attacks. So he did that, and scripted me 15 .5mg xanax for the panic attacks, continuing to use valium (20mg a day, nothing noteworthy) as a background GAD medicine. I went through my last refill of 30 valiums 10mg in 4 days, trying to catch a high from suboxone, same when I got the 15 xanax, those were gone in 2 days. Then I saw my suboxone doctor, and thankfully they had records from my pharmacy showing my neurologist was also scripting me topamax (lol) and rivotril (clonaz) .5mg bid. When I started methadone last year, I was left with the choice of keeping one benzo out of two even if I "need" both. I gotta say the reason why I'm scripted clonazepam is a lot more sound and helpful for me. I'll get to that soon. Last detail, seeing that I had an appointment with my neurologist (who always renews me my scripts no question, I might be asking him for a rise to 1mg bid of clonazepam and get rid of the valium, keep in mind I haven't used clonaz as the background benzo since over a year). So she scripted me 15 .5mg clonaz and surprise surprise, 2 days later I was out of them. The mg dosage of each pill just isn't cutting it, I only feel it when I take 1.5mg minimum (I used to take 3mg a day until mid 2010 when I got sick of it and did a valium taper, but got stuck at 20mg).
I had forgotten how clonazepam was efficient for several of my health issues : clonazepam is used in neurology for seizures but also nerve pain and migraines, which I do get plenty since a decade, hence me getting to know the wonderful world of benzos 8) through a neurologist, not a shrink, that came later. It is very efficient at making the practical daily head pain go away and lift my mood magnitudes. I'm now on suboxone since a couple months and it finally stabilized my body...by that I mean...I'm now feeling normal again, no more opiate high and I've come to term with the fact that as long as I am on 10mg of suboxone a day and even if I was on less...I'll never be able to be high again. So here comes the real gist of the post, the first paragraph was background preemptive info.
When I get into one of those in-between-refills shit out of luck days my main symptoms are mild, because I've been in tolerance withdrawal for a long time now, getting into a lack of benzo for 5-6 days isn't as dramatic as it used to be for me. The worst symptoms are still nightmares and waking up feeling distressed for an hour at least, and if I have cigarettes I get my cool back. But I still am lacking sleep and getting terrible headaches again. But other than that, I don't feel constantly on the edge of losing my mind, which is WONDERFUL, I thought I'd never get out of that, it would drag on and on until I had my refill, but I imagine I have endured tolerance withdrawal (due to the methadone clinic cutting one of my 2 benzos back then), that I am now past that, is that possible even if I continue to use ?
About telling myself no, I have very reasonable reasons other than the beneficial neurological benefits benzo give me, to be using benzos, my life situation, mostly because of somebody else, is not awesome, I am in constant worrying, which is normal for me, I feel it is warranted. Which is why I eat them pills so fast, not only am I under-dosed, my life situation is incomprehensibly shitty (by lower middle-class standards ¬_¬).
I tried giving my pills to someone who will dispense them to me everyday at the correct dosage before, it worked, but then I felt like I didn't want to be on benzos everyday, I want benzos, and as many as possible/needed when panicking/waking up from a nightmare and going right back to sleep peacefully (those are my best moments in all honesty, waking up only to take 15-20mg of valium and go back to that hypnotic sleep while I am still feeling hypnopompia).
I just don't see how I can optimize my situation regarding my "minor" tranquilizers. Sometimes I think I should have NEVER told my psychiatrist I was sick of being on that much clonazepam (the 3mg a day I was on from 2007 to 2010), well no, I was on 2.5mg a day for a long time and it wasn't cutting it, 3mg was. And it did for several months then I remember watching some terrible news on tv and not giving a shit, thinking about my life and not giving a shit, and thinking how I was sick of feeling like a zombie. All of this might resolve itself when I'll visit my neurologist next month, who'll happily renew my scripts for a year and send me on my way, I feel like I'll have to force his hand to get more, but even then, it's been so long I've been taking .5mg bid (as far as he knows), a dosage increase is warranted.
I really missed clonazepam, it's massive muscle relaxant effect it has on me and slight drunkenness feeling...it's the only thing that eats away my constant background mini panic attack of a life.
Sorry if this was too wordy for you guys.
