WayFarLost
Bluelighter
A few years ago I was happy. I had a good job an amazing girlfriend. I made a mistake and she left me, she knew I had tried to kill myself a month before meeting her. A few weeks past and all the stress and anxiety started to make me lose my mind. So they took me to a psychiatrist who said I was Bi-Polar and sent me home with some medication. Something didn't work, I lost my mind so completely I lost any chance of ever getting her back. Then I lost the job, and was forced to wait around doing nothing in my dads house for a long time.
I tried my 3rd suicide attempt after a few months. A massive overdose of lamictal, the medication they had been giving me. All it did was send my central nervous system into shock. After an hour of writhing in pain on my bed I somehow knew it wasnt going to kill me, just be incredibly annoying. I couldnt walk at his time, couldn't even get myself standing upright I was so fucked up. I would try to stand but just end up falling face first on all the sharp corners of furniture in my room. I remembered that my cellphone was on my desk, that was made of glass. After a few hours of trying to get my cellphone, which literally was just sitting there on my desk, the desk shattered and now I'm rolling around in broken glass unable to stand. Before this happened my face was already a bloody bruised mess from landing against my other furniture, a bookshelf two speakers and the desk all with sharp edges and corners. I crawled to the bathroom to try and throw up, didnt work. Just laid there with my face in a dirty toilet bowl for a few more hours. Then I somehow managed to crawl up into my bed to try and sleep. I started twitching every few seconds, each twitch was extremely painful. I started hallucinating from the drugs. The worst I remember was a circle of goblins, where everytime my body twitched uncontrolably one of the goblins would run past me and kill me. A few more ours of this and I decide to crawl out into the living room and start screaming for help, no one was home, and I barely was able to form speech at the time. I crawled up onto the couch and finally fell asleep, thinking I was finally going to die. I woke up the next morning, still super fucked from all the drugs, to my dad standing over me asking what happened. I tried to tell him but he couldnt understand a word I was saying. He saw I was covered in blood so he called an ambulance. They never pumped my stomach, they never did anything. My body just took all the drugs and the blood loss and I lived. I laid in bed sleeping for a few days, then I had to teach myself how to walk again. Only took a few hours of trying, fucking doctors kept telling me to just lay down. After I had shown them I could walk again they moved me to an institute for mental health. I received no help there, no one did. We saw a psychiatrist for five minutes a day. Had bullshit group sessions and did arts and crafts. After a week there they let me out.
Alot of the stuff in my room had been destroyed. My family said it took two days to clean up all the blood. A week later I get a call from the girl saying she wants to see me, and I'm fucking stupid so I went to see her. She had a decent job a nice apartment (and no offense to her roommate, honestly I liked her, but she was the UGLIEST human being I have ever seen). Me and my girl hook up, have sex, things seem nice. She says she still doesnt want me back and that we should just be friends. Great. So we're friends, I see her like once a week. I had no relationships, no sex and no fun for the whole time we were apart due to heartbreak. She didnt care. She told me about her boyfriends shes had since we broke up, I was just so happy to be seeing her again I never told her to shutup. One time she told me about her bf with the huge dick, even felt it necessary to show me a picture of it. That felt great, my stupid actions led to the greatest sex of her life. I just kept taking the pain of seeing her because I wanted so desperately to have her back. Few months past, she gets another bf without telling me anything. He gets her hooked on drugs again. She gets so smashed one day she forgot she had invited me over for dinner. I walk in, all the doors unlocked, and there she is lying in bed with some loser. I later find out she intends to marry this guy. A week later he beat her unconscious, and I'm there to make her feel better. I didn't care about anything, I just wanted her back. She still refused to have me back, because that wasnt her first bf after me that had beat her. She claimed she had no interest in dating guys anymore. I havnt spoken with her in months, to the extent of my knowledge shes still atleast acting like a lesbian.
So great, I suffered through far more pain, and got nothing out of it. Im off of all medication at this point, and still extremely bi-polar with severe anxiety issues, amongst many other issues. I tried getting jobs, but I couldnt hold any for long. I'd freak out or have an anxiety attack or just randomly start crying while working. I just couldnt get on my feet again. I tried dating, but just couldnt. I couldnt feel anything towards another human being anymore, couldnt even get an erection in front of another girl. So I gave up on that huge part of life. To this day I swear I'll never be in another relationship.
A month ago my truck blew a head gasket, its totalled. We're far too poor to afford another one. Now I have no means of transportation, no way of getting a job, no way of finding friends. The only source of entertainment I have is this computer, which is so old it makes an unbeleivably loud whirring sound whenever its on. So loud you can hear it throughout the house. Im good with computers, did everything your supposed to do. But the sound still drives me fucking insane, to the point where I dont use it much. Theres a set of hanging hammock chairs in the backyard now, essentially its a set of gallows. I sit back there most of my day, hoping something good will happen. But I know my 4th suicide attempt isnt too far away. I'm psychologically damaged, and I see no hope anymore. Help me.
I tried my 3rd suicide attempt after a few months. A massive overdose of lamictal, the medication they had been giving me. All it did was send my central nervous system into shock. After an hour of writhing in pain on my bed I somehow knew it wasnt going to kill me, just be incredibly annoying. I couldnt walk at his time, couldn't even get myself standing upright I was so fucked up. I would try to stand but just end up falling face first on all the sharp corners of furniture in my room. I remembered that my cellphone was on my desk, that was made of glass. After a few hours of trying to get my cellphone, which literally was just sitting there on my desk, the desk shattered and now I'm rolling around in broken glass unable to stand. Before this happened my face was already a bloody bruised mess from landing against my other furniture, a bookshelf two speakers and the desk all with sharp edges and corners. I crawled to the bathroom to try and throw up, didnt work. Just laid there with my face in a dirty toilet bowl for a few more hours. Then I somehow managed to crawl up into my bed to try and sleep. I started twitching every few seconds, each twitch was extremely painful. I started hallucinating from the drugs. The worst I remember was a circle of goblins, where everytime my body twitched uncontrolably one of the goblins would run past me and kill me. A few more ours of this and I decide to crawl out into the living room and start screaming for help, no one was home, and I barely was able to form speech at the time. I crawled up onto the couch and finally fell asleep, thinking I was finally going to die. I woke up the next morning, still super fucked from all the drugs, to my dad standing over me asking what happened. I tried to tell him but he couldnt understand a word I was saying. He saw I was covered in blood so he called an ambulance. They never pumped my stomach, they never did anything. My body just took all the drugs and the blood loss and I lived. I laid in bed sleeping for a few days, then I had to teach myself how to walk again. Only took a few hours of trying, fucking doctors kept telling me to just lay down. After I had shown them I could walk again they moved me to an institute for mental health. I received no help there, no one did. We saw a psychiatrist for five minutes a day. Had bullshit group sessions and did arts and crafts. After a week there they let me out.
Alot of the stuff in my room had been destroyed. My family said it took two days to clean up all the blood. A week later I get a call from the girl saying she wants to see me, and I'm fucking stupid so I went to see her. She had a decent job a nice apartment (and no offense to her roommate, honestly I liked her, but she was the UGLIEST human being I have ever seen). Me and my girl hook up, have sex, things seem nice. She says she still doesnt want me back and that we should just be friends. Great. So we're friends, I see her like once a week. I had no relationships, no sex and no fun for the whole time we were apart due to heartbreak. She didnt care. She told me about her boyfriends shes had since we broke up, I was just so happy to be seeing her again I never told her to shutup. One time she told me about her bf with the huge dick, even felt it necessary to show me a picture of it. That felt great, my stupid actions led to the greatest sex of her life. I just kept taking the pain of seeing her because I wanted so desperately to have her back. Few months past, she gets another bf without telling me anything. He gets her hooked on drugs again. She gets so smashed one day she forgot she had invited me over for dinner. I walk in, all the doors unlocked, and there she is lying in bed with some loser. I later find out she intends to marry this guy. A week later he beat her unconscious, and I'm there to make her feel better. I didn't care about anything, I just wanted her back. She still refused to have me back, because that wasnt her first bf after me that had beat her. She claimed she had no interest in dating guys anymore. I havnt spoken with her in months, to the extent of my knowledge shes still atleast acting like a lesbian.
So great, I suffered through far more pain, and got nothing out of it. Im off of all medication at this point, and still extremely bi-polar with severe anxiety issues, amongst many other issues. I tried getting jobs, but I couldnt hold any for long. I'd freak out or have an anxiety attack or just randomly start crying while working. I just couldnt get on my feet again. I tried dating, but just couldnt. I couldnt feel anything towards another human being anymore, couldnt even get an erection in front of another girl. So I gave up on that huge part of life. To this day I swear I'll never be in another relationship.
A month ago my truck blew a head gasket, its totalled. We're far too poor to afford another one. Now I have no means of transportation, no way of getting a job, no way of finding friends. The only source of entertainment I have is this computer, which is so old it makes an unbeleivably loud whirring sound whenever its on. So loud you can hear it throughout the house. Im good with computers, did everything your supposed to do. But the sound still drives me fucking insane, to the point where I dont use it much. Theres a set of hanging hammock chairs in the backyard now, essentially its a set of gallows. I sit back there most of my day, hoping something good will happen. But I know my 4th suicide attempt isnt too far away. I'm psychologically damaged, and I see no hope anymore. Help me.
I'm still alive, like you said you had a pretty good go at killing yourself and your body was just tougher than you thought and refused to let go of life, who knows what amazing things are gonna happen to you next, it's all a fucking grand adventure and there are NO wrong choices.