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Help me settle a debate with my boyfriend!

somebody who over-analyzes every comment made about them by other people would be problematic IMO

or awkward, whichever stings less
 
Z-girl said:
After some prodding and dancing around the subject, he says that difficult means problematic and awkward. Call me difficult, but I definitely don't like it now!

Would you all be happy bring called difficult with that meaning attached?
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I wouldn't be happy about it, but atleast he's honest, i'd ask him why he thinks your problematic/awkward and talk it over with him.
 
"Problematic" is one of those academic words used by douchey know-it-all grad students.....Is this guy like some sort of super-anal intellectual type?

"Difficult" isn't really a big deal....I've been called much worse than that, but this "problematic and awkward" thing would piss me off....I would use all kind of vulgar names before I'd say something like that....

I'm a guy though and I have pretty thick-skin most of the time
 
I'm pretty easy-going and don't usually like to make decisions... just more of the go with the flow, whatever- type.
And I've been called difficult for this.
I dislike that.
 
I don't know, I haven't been called difficult often, probably because I'm not that difficult :p lol.
That being said - it isn't really an insult. BUT if you don't like being called it, then your bf probably shouldn't be calling you it!! One of my friends hates being called "cute". I don't know why, she just hates it. She's okay with "hot" or "pretty" or whatever but hates "cute". Even though cute is obviously a positive term, her boyfriend still shouldn't be calling her cute because she doesn't like it.
Difficult isn't really a compliment, but it's not really an insult either, I guess it's kinda in between?
 
alasdairm said:
'problematic' and 'awkward' are both essentially, in this context, synonyms of 'difficult' so i don't feel any more informed. perhaps you could ask him to illustrate his feelings with some examples?

alasdair
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you are probably the most analytical and logical person I have seen here in BL (that's a compliment). I kinda wish I could think like you when I'm in my logic class. plus I admire your grammar :D

back on topic. whatever alasdair has said, is pretty much spot on to what I would ask about the situation.
 
BlueHues said:
"Problematic" is one of those academic words used by douchey know-it-all grad students.....Is this guy like some sort of super-anal intellectual type?

"Difficult" isn't really a big deal....I've been called much worse than that, but this "problematic and awkward" thing would piss me off....I would use all kind of vulgar names before I'd say something like that....

I'm a guy though and I have pretty thick-skin most of the time
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Yep, I'm thinking the same thing. I would probably blow off "difficult" with a "fuck yeah I am asshole," but awkward and problematic would throw me. We have to know the context like Ali said, but the first thing that popped into my mind was social issues.
 
Maybe he just means difficult like somebody said u can never make your mind up bout anything from what to wear to where to eat. I used to date this real pain in the ass wed literally get into arguments over where the fuck we were going to eat. I'd be like where do u want to go shed be like anywhere pick a place so I'd say OK let's go here shed be like no I don't like that place then I'd say OK let's go here then shed be like no I'm not in the mood for that kind of food so then I'd be like OK then let's go fucking HERE then shed be like no we ate there 2 weeks ago GRRRRR and this would go on for a good 20 minutes till I got so fed up I'd pull into the diner at 50 miles an hour and say good were eating at the damn diner now and wouldn't say a word to each other the whole meal. She was also very awkward. Shit maybe your her! Wouldn't that be funny as hell! Lol
 
Honestly you kinda sound a little difficult. Its not an insult, but just a characteristic of your personality. Of course it can be negative, but it also can be neutral with some positives associated with it. I def could be considered a difficult person at times, and I don't get insulted when people confirm this. He should probably be a little more respective of your feelings, but you should also not let it be such a thing. Its not like hes calling you a cunt, whore, or anything that really would be a purely negative thing.
 
I know I'm a difficult guy to be with in a relationship. I had a conversation with my kinda s/o last night about this. its hard for me to find someone who accepts all of me: the scholar, the future soldier, the romantic, the flirt, the sociopath, the addict. makes for interesting facades I gotta put on. its mainly the sociopath/addict that drives people away. but when I find a person who accepts those aspects, I give myself 100% to them. then I find out they're like me and end up with my heart broken. so I put the sociopath skill set into play by default now... I'm a bad person but frankly I don't care anymore.
 
yanker said:
Maybe he just means difficult like somebody said u can never make your mind up bout anything from what to wear to where to eat. I used to date this real pain in the ass wed literally get into arguments over where the fuck we were going to eat. I'd be like where do u want to go shed be like anywhere pick a place so I'd say OK let's go here shed be like no I don't like that place then I'd say OK let's go here then shed be like no I'm not in the mood for that kind of food so then I'd be like OK then let's go fucking HERE then shed be like no we ate there 2 weeks ago GRRRRR and this would go on for a good 20 minutes till I got so fed up I'd pull into the diner at 50 miles an hour and say good were eating at the damn diner now and wouldn't say a word to each other the whole meal. She was also very awkward. Shit maybe your her! Wouldn't that be funny as hell! Lol
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Yeah, after asking about it again, I think this is pretty much what the problem is. I am verrrrry indecisive! Ironically, the fact that I've now brought it up with him like three times has made me seem difficult. Ah, life :)

Well this all really helped me, I must say. It's very interesting to hear people's takes on it! I honestly thought everyone would think that being called difficult was a bad thing, but it's not half as clear-cut as I anticipated.
 
Z-girl said:
Yeah, after asking about it again, I think this is pretty much what the problem is. I am verrrrry indecisive! Ironically, the fact that I've now brought it up with him like three times has made me seem difficult. Ah, life :)

Well this all really helped me, I must say. It's very interesting to hear people's takes on it! I honestly thought everyone would think that being called difficult was a bad thing, but it's not half as clear-cut as I anticipated.
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He probably wants to please you but doesnt know how. If you are indecisive, perhaps no matter what he does or suggests, its never quite right. No matter how hard he tries to make you happy, he never quite hits the mark.

And if you are indecisive, perhaps problems can drag on. If you are never quite sure how you feel or what you want, it might be very hard to reach a comprimise or make an accomodation. Or even understand what the issue is.

All that would probably feel difficult after a while.

Re being indecisive, not everyone can make the right choice every time. Its ok to make decisions and its acceptable that some will be inevitably wrong. It can be much easier to make a mistake and correct it later, than agonise over every little thing in the hope of making less wrong decisions. Go with your gut and trust yourself to be able to make adjustments along the way.
 
morpher001 said:
He probably wants to please you but doesnt know how. If you are indecisive, perhaps no matter what he does or suggests, its never quite right. No matter how hard he tries to make you happy, he never quite hits the mark.

And if you are indecisive, perhaps problems can drag on. If you are never quite sure how you feel or what you want, it might be very hard to reach a comprimise or make an accomodation. Or even understand what the issue is.

All that would probably feel difficult after a while.

Re being indecisive, not everyone can make the right choice every time. Its ok to make decisions and its acceptable that some will be inevitably wrong. It can be much easier to make a mistake and correct it later, than agonise over every little thing in the hope of making less wrong decisions. Go with your gut and trust yourself to be able to make adjustments along the way.
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I think this is all pretty accurate. I'm a good person at heart, I'll give myself that at least, but I know I'm not perfect and one of the things that I need to try to improve upon is making a decision and being comfortable with it, even if the decision turns out to be wrong. I definitely have trouble with worrying about the consequences of the decisions I make. Of course we all have to consider the consequences of our actions, but when the issue is what restaurant we should eat in, it's probably not something that warrants too much anxiety.

As for how my boyfriend feels in relation to this indecision, I think you are also right. I'm probably hard to please and, honestly, I would like to be more easy-going in that respect. He usually ends up making most of the decisions in our relationship, because I push him to do so, and I know he doesn't always like that.

Thanks morpher001 for your feedback, that was very helpful for me.
 
Hmm, it's difficult to say without knowing anymore about where you're coming from, like how things are between you and how he treats you, and especially how he said it or his attitude. That's what makes all the difference as it's a truer and more real expression of their feeling than mere words and also has a much stronger impact on you. Like, if he was saying it to hurt and disrespect you, and was even deriving enjoyment from it, that is very disgusting and someone I'd want out of my life as soon as possible.

I'd never treat anyone like that, much less someone I loved, and would never want to be in a situation where I needed someone like that for anything, much less in a male-female love-relationship which is still challenging at the best of times. Not that I've ever been with anyone who treated me deliberately like that, but I've been with some who did it without meaning to because they were upset, we were arguing, or they were just being themselves. Although that can still make you feel like shit for many reasons. Like, if it makes you feel as if you're not compatible, they don't really return your feelings, or they can't take care of your needs.

But someone doing it on purpose because they want to hurt you is pretty much abuse and makes it many times worse. Male-female relationships are diffcult for many reasons, we're just not fully compatible and work as opposites in many ways, and are just unable to always make eachother feel great or take care of eachother's needs. If more would just accept this and found some way to live with it, minimise the difficulties, and show consideration for each other it would help a lot as opposed to just fighting it and trying to change the opposite sex like most seem to.

Men/women are who we are and you can't turn a typical man into a female version of yourself with all the same feelings and relationship-needs. We were just made differently than that and a big part of relationships is learning to deal with that challenge rather than expecting them to be ideal and freaking out when they're not. I've also learned a hard way that taking that attitude can help a LOT as opposed to holding onto these unrealistic ideals and expectations that ware put into out heads from our culture and your own egoistic ego-needs that make you only care about your own side of things.

That attitude can be very destructive and besides there are so many things in our culture that are very destructive to male-female relationships. Like women watching romantic movies and men watching porn and how it gives us a different perspective on each other and how our relationships are meant to be. Or the way sex is something that elevates a man's ego and status while it lowers a woman's. How men are in return being taken advantage off for their money, etc. (All in all the score is pretty even). For one thing we're different in our nature to begin with, while these habits and standards put ideals and expectations into our minds that are both unrealistic and destructive and also gives us some very good weapons we know how to use against each other.

And, mostly in a subconscious way, like to get revenge for something or control someone so they will give us what we need (how it's mostly subconscious is another problem). Gaining awareness of these things and learning to reduce the harm they can make us do to each other and the relationship is a great step and two intelligent, well-meaning people can achieve a lot with that and really change things for the better. Of course, many simply don't want to, many LIKE these negative interactions.

Well, this was today's psychology lesson, for those who really love and desire happiness with the opposite sex.
 
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